Jo’s gone into labor!
We both looked up from our phones, eyes widened, and I knew Cole’s was the same message because he whispered, “Fuck.”
He flew into action. In less than a minute he’d thrown on his boots and coat, grabbed his keys, grabbed my hand, and hauled me out of his flat. We got into his little rust bucket of a Fiat, which was older than Beth, and hurtled toward the hospital.
Nine hours later, Jo gave birth to Annabelle Walker MacCabe, a gorgeous seven-pound baby girl. The entire time I sat in the waiting room with my family, my mind was on Jo and Cam and their new family. When I met Annabelle, or Belle, as we were already calling her, she was all I could think about, and when I kissed an exhausted Jo good night, hugged my family, and returned home to my flat to get some rest, my mind was still on them all.
There was a whisper in the back of my thoughts, a whisper too loud to ignore, that wished Marco had been there to enjoy the moment, to be a part of my family. He’d missed Ellie giving birth to Bray and now Jo to Belle.
There was a part of me that didn’t think that felt right.
That part scared the hell out of me.
CHAPTER 22
A
little under a week later I was heading out of my flat. It was a Saturday, the ground icy where the snowfall of the past few days had melted with the rain and then frozen over with the newly falling temperatures. I sidestepped a large patch of ice on my porch and started to make my way down the steps.
I was excited to be spending the day with Jo, Ellie, Belle, and Bray and had a bag filled with goodies for both children and mothers.
“Hannah Nichols?”
I glanced up at the question, stopping on the last step of the front stoop to stare at the pretty brunette who stood a few feet from me on the pavement.
My eyes washed over her, wondering why she looked so familiar. “Yes?”
The young woman took a few steps forward, seeming anxious, and that’s when I remembered where I’d seen her: the photograph of Marco and his son at the German Market. The pretty brunette at his side. Leah. The mother of his son.
My heart suddenly took off at a gallop.
“I’m Leah McKinley. I’m Dylan’s mum.”
Eyeing her warily, I replied, “I know who you are.”
She stared at me. “You’re just like he described.”
I frowned in response. “What are you doing here?”
Her expression tightened. “I’m here because I care about Marco. And Marco’s a mess right now.”
I couldn’t ignore the guilt and pain that knowledge caused me. Since we’d last spoken on the phone, Marco had given me time. But he’d been honest when he said he’d give me time but not a lot of it. When five days passed and I didn’t contact him, he called me. Having already told him I needed space, I didn’t answer.
I didn’t answer when he called me three times after that.
I couldn’t answer, because my fear had made up my mind for me about us, and I didn’t know how to tell him.
“Look, he didn’t go into the details, but he explained that something bad happened to you years ago when he left and now he’s blaming himself.” She crossed her arms over her chest, appearing annoyed. “I knew Marco at school. Not well. But I knew him. I knew he was quiet and seemed a bit pissed off with the world. I watched him change when he became a dad. He got, I don’t know, like, sure of himself. And happy. Yet, still, I’ve never seen him as happy as he was when he was seeing you.” She squinted against the winter sun. “He told me all about you, you know. Before. When I was pregnant with Dylan we became good friends and he talked about you. I was even a wee bit jealous of the way he saw you – like you were so much better than every other girl on the planet. I told him countless times that he was good enough for anyone, that he should try to get in touch with you again, but he wouldn’t do it. That really fucked me off – that he thought he wasn’t good enough. Now I’m even more pissed off because with you not forgiving him or giving him the time of day, it makes him think he is to blame for whatever shit went down with you. He’s back to thinking he’s not good enough. I know him. I know he would never hurt anyone deliberately, so I know whatever happened to you isn’t his fault. It would be nice if you’d let him know that, too.”
Feeling cornered, remorseful, and pissed off that I’d been made to feel guilty by someone I didn’t know, I gave her a look that told her I wouldn’t be cowed. “I’m not sure any of this is your business.”
Her face grew hard. “Marco isn’t just my son’s dad, he’s my friend. He’s a good guy and I don’t like anyone hurting him.”
“Does he know you’re here right now?”
“No.” She huffed. “And he’ll probably be really pissed off when I tell him I came to see you. But if it gives you a kick up the arse to do the right thing, then I’m okay with that.”
“You have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“Maybe not. But we both know Marco is a good person. He doesn’t deserve to be feeling the way he’s feeling.” She shrugged, shot me one last searching look, and said, “You think on that.”
My visit with Bray, Belle, and their mums was somewhat poisoned by Leah’s decision to try to force my hand in the situation with Marco.
I spent most of the day worrying about him, until I came to the conclusion I needed to stop being such a coward and call him.
There was no game playing on his part. He picked up on the second ring.
“You know how to keep a guy hanging,” he answered quietly.
“I’m just calling to tell you I want you to stop blaming yourself. I don’t blame you for what happened to me.”
“Easier said than done, Hannah. There’s a reason you broke up with me when you found out about Dylan. You said yourself that at least a part of you blames me for leaving you to deal with all that shit by yourself.”
“Honestly,” I whispered, “I did. I know that it wasn’t right, though, and I’ve worked through that. I know that what happened to me wasn’t your fault. What happened to me wasn’t anyone’s fault. We were both at fault for being irresponsible and not using protection, that’s all.”
“No. That was my fault. I was the experienced one. But it was you… and in that moment I was too lost in you to think straight.”
“Was that the way it was with Leah?” I asked caustically.
“Hannah, it wasn’t like that with her. We were both shit-faced. It’s a miracle we had enough faculties about us to get undressed and have sex, if —”
“Okay, I don’t want to hear any more,” I interrupted.
He was silent for a while and then… “It’s about Leah, isn’t it?”
“No,” I answered, and then sighed. “I don’t know.”
“Hannah, I care about Leah. She’s my friend and she’s the mother of my kid. But I love you.”
“Should it be this hard, though, Marco?” I asked. “Should it hurt this much?”
“I don’t know. I don’t know what the rules are. All I know is that it means something pretty fucking important to feel this way about someone. I’d do anything for my son, Hannah. I’d do anything to protect him. To make sure he knows he’s loved. That he makes my universe turn. And I feel that way about you too. I want to protect you, I want you to know that for me there’s no one else like you. That you make my universe turn.”
My heart actually hurt in my chest.
“Hannah?”
“If it was up to how I feel when it’s just us and the world is quiet and everything seems so far away,” I told him softly, “we’d be together. I’d put it all behind me and we’d move on. But life isn’t like that. The rest of the world never goes away. Our mistakes are out there and we can’t hide from them. I don’t want to mess you around and it’s not my intention to hurt you” – my voice cracked – “but I just don’t think this is what I want anymore.”
“You don’t love me?” His voice was gruff, the way he sounded whenever he was feeling something
deeply.
I hated that I was hurting him. “Marco, I’ve been in love with you since I was fourteen. And it’s hurt for eight years. I’m just not sure that’s the right kind of love.”
“I didn’t know there was a right or a wrong kind,” he whispered hoarsely.
“Perhaps not. But maybe I need a shot at an easy kind.”
“Or maybe you just need to give us a shot with all this shit out in the open,” he argued. “Hannah, when we were kids I was messed up. I didn’t give us a chance. But those two months we had before Christmas were the best fucking weeks of my life, and they would have been perfect if we’d just been honest about everything. Now all that is out there, and we can start over. It can be great. It can be easy.”
I wanted to believe that, but I was too scared. I wasn’t even going to lie to myself about it. I was terrified.
Marco could hurt me like no one else could because I loved him with everything I had. I’d allowed his mistakes, our mistakes, to bend me. However, I couldn’t let us break me.
Wiping the tears from my face with trembling hands, I prepared myself to finally make a decision.
“Hannah?”
“Marco…” My voice came out as a whisper and I had to clear my throat to get the volume back. “Because of you I’ve never given anyone a chance. If you want the whole and absolute truth, there’s never been anyone since you. I lied when you asked me when the last time I had sex was. I’ve only ever been with one man and that man is you.”
“Hannah —”
“It’s time I gave myself a chance to fall in love with someone else.”
“You don’t mean that.”
“I do. We’re not good for each other. You need to move on.”
“No,” he growled down the phone in a surprising and yet not so surprising response. “You’re mine. I’m yours. Don’t you dare run from that.”
“I’m not running.” More lies. “I just need a fresh start.”
“Hannah, I love you.”
“Please don’t… don’t make this harder than it already is.”
“No. Don’t give me bullshit clichés. I need to see you. We can’t do this over the phone. We can talk and we can work it out.”
Terrified at that thought because I knew that just seeing him would weaken my resolve, I hurried to deny him. “I don’t want to see you. I’m moving on, Marco, and I need you to do the same for me. Do this for me.”
I could hear that his breathing had grown shallow. “I can’t. It might be the most selfish thing I’ll ever do, but I can’t give you up. I won’t. If I thought it was what you really wanted, really needed, I would. But it’s not. You’re scared. I know you’re scared. I’m going to do everything I can to take that fear away.”
“Stop being a stubborn idiot!” I snapped, feeling desperate.
“Pot, meet kettle,” he answered, his voice edged with determination. “We’ll see which one of us can be the most obstinate, Hannah, because, babe, I’m never giving up on us. If it takes a week, a month, a year, whatever, the future is us. I’m spending the rest of my life waking up in the morning with you beside me and getting through each day knowing that when the sky turns dark I’ll be spending the night inside you.”
His sensual, beautiful words knocked me for six. “You are such a bastard,” I breathed.
Marco laughed shortly, harshly. “I see I’m winning already.”
CHAPTER 23
“S
o Beth is having a Daddy’s girl day?” Liv asked Joss, her tone telling us just how cute she thought that was.
Joss grinned, putting her cup of coffee down on the table. “After her excitement at the zoo last year, and her current obsession with all things animal, Braden decided to take her to that Safari Park in Stirling but discovered it was closed for the season, so he’s taking her to Deep Sea World. He wanted some daddy-daughter time.”
I smiled. “He’s a good egg, that one.”
Joss made a face. “That he is. Makes it really hard to be crabby at him.”
Liv, Joss, and I were at an activity center in Morningside that had a café just on the edges of the play area. Since it was in the same building as a full-time day care, there were a number of staff to watch the kids while their parents could have lunch and chat, but still keep an eye on their children. From our table we could see Lily and Luke in the soft play area supervised by a couple of nursery assistants. January was in her pram next to Liv, sleeping peacefully for once.
It had been a week since my conversation with Marco. I’d thrown myself into work and done what I could to distract myself from the wreckage of my love life. That wasn’t easy at first because Marco must have updated Nish a little and she came to me in the staff room to apologize. Since then she’d been watching me carefully, as if I were made of glass, and every day she’d ask me in this sweet but unintentionally annoying tone if I was all right.
I’d also had to update Michaela on everything. Suzanne had told Michaela her own version of events, and obviously her account had some inaccuracies. Poor Michaela now found herself in the awkward position of being friends with two people who no longer wanted anything to do with each other. I assured Michaela I wouldn’t make it difficult for her. I couldn’t assure her Suzanne would do the same.
All of this made it hard to put the wreckage out of my mind. Even worse was my flat and those damn bookshelves. This meant I jumped at any opportunity to get out of the flat. I’d babysat for Liv and Nate the night before, and now I found myself hanging out with Joss, Liv, and their kids to avoid my home. Not that it was a hardship to hang out with them.
I looked over at Lily to find her watching us. She waved when she caught me looking.
“I’ll be right back.” I hopped up out of my seat and grinned at Lily in a way I knew made her laugh.
“Lily Billy,” I called out to her as I approached.
I played with her and Luke, letting them crawl all over me before pretend-chasing them. I was probably making them hyper, and Joss and Liv wouldn’t thank me for it later, but it felt good to laugh hard with the kids.
“Oh, my gosh,” I panted, attempting to catch my breath as I lay on the floor with Lily trying to tickle me and Luke sprawled across my chest in an effort to use his weight to keep me there. They were giggling like crazy. “I can’t move, Luke Carmichael. You’re too strong!”
He giggled harder. “I’m goin’ keep you here, Nanna.”
“Forever?” I gasped.
“Uh-huh.”
“I think that might be Hannah Nichols buried under those kids, but I can’t be sure.” An amused voice spoke from somewhere above me.
I tensed at the voice and I knew the kids felt my sudden change in demeanor because they stopped giggling. Turning my head, I searched him out.
An upside-down Marco appeared in my line of sight.
Shit.
Breathe, Hannah.
“Uh, hullo,” I managed.
“Need a hand?”
“Come on, Luke,” I heard Joss say and then suddenly she was there, bending down to pick Luke up off my chest. I sat up and she shot me a questioning look as she grabbed Lily’s hand. She was asking me if I was okay to be alone with Marco.
Um… honestly, I didn’t know.
But I nodded as I got to my feet. I watched her walk Luke and Lily over to the table with Liv and January.
My eyes moved to Marco, who was standing at the edge of the soft play area. Clinging to his big hand was the most beautiful little boy I’d ever seen. My chest ached looking at him.
Dylan.
He had Marco’s coloring, down to the striking blue-green of his eyes, and he had cute, tight black curls. He was tall for three, which could mean he was going to be as tall as his dad one day, and he was wearing this serious, curious expression on his face that was so like one of Marco’s expressions that the ache in my chest intensified.
Feeling emotions I hadn’t expected to feel, I looked up from Dylan and into Marco’s eyes and choked
out, “He’s beautiful.”
Marco’s hand flexed in Dylan’s and he glanced down at his son with an adoring look of pride. “Yeah.”
Just like that, I remembered the awkwardness of being around him and I covered my uneasiness with a glare. “There are hundreds of day care centers in Edinburgh. This one? Really?”
Marco’s grin was slightly wicked. “Looks like the universe wants me to win as well.”
I would have responded with something cheeky or curt, except for the fact that Dylan was there. Not to mention that Marco couldn’t quite hide the sadness in the back of his eyes with those teasing smiles of his.
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