"Did you notice anything distinctive about Josh, days leading to his death?" Casting my memory back to the dreadful day. He was bit testy, nothing stands out, where is she running with this? “I can’t say anything stands out.” What is she holding back?
"What's going on?" I ask keeping my voice even. Waiting for her to proceed, she takes a full breath before pulling something from her pocket. "I discovered this in Josh's room. It's addressed to you." I reach and take the envelope from her hand, "before you open it, I wanted to let you know I received a letter too. I'm sorry, I let him down." Her voice breaks, tears stream down her cheeks, in a try to comfort her I wrap my hands around her. "It's not your fault if anybody’s to blame, I am."
"Your wrong dear." she discreetly mumbles "you aren't to blame, I never want to hear you say that again, do you hear me?" raising her voice marginally.
Agreeing I would never voice the words again. I delicately break the news I have been fearing to say, not knowing what her response will be. Mrs. Anderson gazes at me with a look of skepticism, "You're Pregnant." Nodding my head feeling solemn. "Yes, you're going to be a grandmother."
We sit in an uncomfortable silence for what appears like forever. Yet in all actuality is most likely just minutes. Exaggerated muteness, frazzles my nerves. Why isn't she saying anything? "I think you should read the letter, dear. Congratulations on your pregnancy." Astonished with her peculiar behavior, What the fuck is going on?! Rage surges its way through my body, not willing to take my pent up anger out on her, I need to leave. She remains standing before me, staring at me with concerned eyes. Respectful as I can summon, I thank her for supper. I turn my back on her and advance to the car. Resting my head against the side of the car, needing to calm myself down. With the letter solidly gripped in my grasp, I climb into the car. Debating whether now is the time to read it or until I'm alone with no peeping eyes. Does she truly think I can't see her, looking through the blinds.
Choosing the ideal situation is to read it when I'm alone. I text Kyle letting him know everything's alright and I will be home soon.
Looking at the horizon before me takes my breath away, a flood of memories leaves me gasping for breath. A place Josh and I were guaranteed to be alone.
I love hearing the ocean, smashing against the cliffs, the cool breeze tangling with my hair. I take a breath of fresh air, wishing it would evaporate the dread of opening the letter.
There’s no point in delaying the inevitable. Tearing the envelope my eyes scan the written words.
Izzy.
If you’re reading this, I’m no longer walking alongside you. My death isn’t your fault. You see there are things I kept hidden from you.
Since an early age, I suffered from depression. I always felt like I was walking on eggshells, scared of my own shadow. With the need to always be perfect but in reality, nobody is.
Three years ago, my life was headed in the wrong direction. I got in with the wrong crowd always getting into trouble and causing problems for my mother. Drinking every night to erase the darkness within me.
But when I met you, I knew we were meant for each other. You’re gorgeous. You could’ve had any boy, but you chose me. How could you want plain old geeky me? But to my surprise you did. You weren't playing a joke like so many before had, you wanted me. You made me the happiest I've ever been. Helped me concentrate on something other than the darkness trying to suffocate me. The light at the end of my tunnel. The reason to live life on the straight and narrow.
But overhearing your parents, discuss we should be apart. You needed to concentrate on your studies. Which I agreed with, you do but I couldn’t bare thinking of a life without you beside me. I know I’m being selfish, but you are my life, Izzy.
I’m sorry for the hurt my death will cause but please know I love you with all my heart. I know I have no right to ask, but I have one request, please will you do this for me, sweetheart.
Live your life to the full. Find your prince and hold on tight, never let go.
You were my one Izzy, my soul mate. I will always love you, never forget that. When you're lonely or sad just look up at the sky, I will be there looking down on you.
I will always be yours.
Sorry.
Josh
Angry, I'm so fucking angry. How could he keep something like this to himself? Was I not worthy enough? Did he think I would leave him if I found out? I'm angry at myself, angry at my parents but most of all angry at Josh. The three years of our relationship were built on dishonest trust.
How could he believe I would let him go for the rest of my life? That was never my intention. It was only meant to be for a few months, to keep my parents happy.
I look up at the stars, feeling confused. You’ll never get a chance to meet your child, all because you didn’t come to me. I would've helped you, been there for you. Whatever you needed, why did you have to go and do something like this.
Furiously swiping at the unwanted tears, I don’t want to cry anymore. I’m pissed off at crying.
Chapter Eight
Isabelle
Plastering a smile on my face, to give the illusion everything’s fine. When in reality, it’s anything but fine. On the inside my heart is screaming at me, I’m broken, He killed himself, Josh Killed himself. Not ready to grasp, the why’s and how’s. I hold my chin up, ready to slip into my happy facade.
I push the door open, entering the living room. Everyone’s sat around the television, as usual, one by one everybody turn’s and focuses on me.
Kyle gives a slight nod as a way of asking if I am okay. I answer with a small smile which seems to please him. His attention is pulled back to the game, just as James shoots him. Caleb and James holler Kyle’s a loser while Kyle flips them off, I can't help laughing.
I catch Xavier trying to gain my attention to which I tilt my head, letting a genuine smile grace my lips. Xavier patted the empty chair beside him, he shows for me to have a seat. I cross the living room until I’m standing before him. Reaching forward, he pulls me onto his lap, whispering in my ear I missed you today. Curling into his body as a way to gain comfort. He brings me peace.
He takes a deep breath, “I love having you in my arms.” reluctantly allowing a sigh to slip past her lips, “I like being in your arms.” A smile lights up his face, his dimple appears which I can’t help but to reach out and touch. Looking at Xavier you can see happiest radiating off him.
The rest of the evening is spent with me sat in his lap, munching my way through a bowl of chips. Watching the boys cursing and bantering with each other has me in fits of laughter.
He tenderly places his hand on my leg, soothingly rubbing along my thigh. He leans back into the chair, leaving me with no choice but to follow his movement. I curl my body into his, my heartbeat thrummed. “Can you feel the overwhelming chemistry between us?”
Blood rushes to my cheeks, leaving me flushed. What do I say? I mean, every time I’m near him, I want to jump his bones. I wonder if the pregnancy hormones are playing with my emotions, making me more aware of him.
Waiting for me to calmly to answer him, his eyebrows furrow. Instead of giving him a clear answer, I play it off with a shrug. My body trembles with the need to leave.
I palm my forehead, with my fingers splayed across my eyes, trying to convince myself to stay put. “Don’t hide from me Isabelle.” Cupping my chin with his hand, tilting my head until my eyes are level with his. In delicately spoken words, he says, “If you rather take it slow or be friends, I want you in any way I can.”
Both lost in each other, he lowers his head, eyes focused on my lips. Softly biting my lip, his thumb swipes across them, freeing them from their hold. Not realizing what’s happening, his lips touch mine. My body goes rigid. What is he thinking? He stays motionless, waiting for me to reassure him.
Scrambling off his lap, why the hell didn’t I realize he would kiss me. I’m somewhat pissed at myself. I shouldn’t have led him on, I’m not ready to get into anything
with anybody.
With a quick peek over my shoulder before leaving the room. Xavier’s forehead is creased. His arms crossed over his broad chest, looking at me sympathetically. Feeling self-conscious, I make my way to the stairs without saying a word.
~#~
Deciding on having a bath to try and get some semblance in my mind. How could I have not known, Josh suffered from depression. Was I that self-centered? I’m not sure how long I’ve been soaking, but the water is getting cold. Pulling a towel off the rack, wrapping it around myself, I make my way across the hall. Pushing the door to my room open, I gasp in surprise. Xavier’s led on my bed with his hands behind his head. His eyes are closed, stepping almost silently over to my closet. I find silk pyjamas, being quiet not to disturb him. I lower my towel whilst glancing over my shoulder to make sure he isn’t perving on me. Xavier scares the living shits out of me. “I’m wake Isabelle, there’s no need to be sneaking around.” Xavier chuckles. His eyes are still closed. Picking a cushion up off my chair, I launch it at him. Hitting him smack in the middle of his chest, “That’s what you get for scaring me, you dumbass.” He jumps up with a start, taking long strides towards me. He looks like a predator ready to catch his prey, it doesn’t take long before he’s stood in front of me. He twists his hand into my hair, pulling me towards him. A troubled expression gracing his gorgeous features. In a disheartening tone he says, “I’m sorry if I pushed you too far downstairs. I thought you felt the same way as I do about you.”
Swallowing, I nod my head in defeat. “It’s not that I don’t feel the attraction, my god I do, but I’m not ready for a relationship. I have a lot going on you know.” Masking my grief with a weak smile.
“I know,” he replies, “I shouldn't have kissed you.” with a sad smile, he hesitates before placing a kiss on my forehead, dropping his hands from my hair. He grips the door handle, his knuckles turning white from the pressure he’s applying. Without facing me, he murmurs in a quiet voice “I’m sorry Isabelle.” The door bangs behind him.
I’m left dumbfounded, and with a sudden urge to bawl my eyes out. I collapse to the floor. Would it be wrong to love twice? Is it too soon? Covering my face with the pillow I threw at Xavier, I let out an exasperated sigh. Knowing I’m not likely to gain any answers tonight, I reach for my iPod. Scrolling through the songs until I come across my favorite. I place the pillow under my head and close my eyes, focusing on the words in the song. My eyes are feeling heavy, I let the world slip by me and drift off to sleep.
~#~
Why can’t I turn over? Something heavy is pressing into my side. Inhaling through my nose, I’m graced with the most beautiful smell, clean but with a hint woodsy. Instantly becoming aware of who is lying beside to me. I take a few moments to relish being in Xavier’s arms, How did I get to bed? I remember lying on the floor listening to my iPod, but that’s where it ends. Surely I would’ve remembered getting undressed and climbing into bed.
My eyes open like flying saucers, wide and weary. Lifting the quilt up to peek underneath, Shit, did Xavier undress me?
“Stop over thinking things Isabelle and go back to sleep.” Startled, I fly out of bed. “What the hell Xavier, you can’t just go around undressing whomever you please.” Wiggling his eyebrows, and an enigmatic smile in place.
Rolling my eyes “You know what I meant jerk.” Letting out a booming laugh. He shakes with laughter “Okay, I’m sorry.” He holds his hands up in mock surrender. Joking put aside, the atmospheres fills with intense need. His eyes fixed on me, seeping along my body leaving goose bumps in their wake. He clears his throat. Stumbling to get the words he wants to say out, eventually in a hoarse voice. “I couldn’t let you sleep in your clothes. You would of been uncomfortable plus I was a gentleman, I didn’t even sneak a peak.”
My mouth drops open in shock, “I bloody well hope, you didn’t. You perv.” Holding his hand out indicating for me to join him again. I hesitate for a brief second but find myself climbing back under the covers into his waiting arms.
I lay facing him, happy to stare into his baby blues. Xavier reaches out pulling me against his chest. He lets out a content sigh, mumbling something under his breath. He said it so quiet that I didn’t catch what was said. He doesn’t make any attempts of doing anything except hold me. Which in place puts my mind at ease.
Shocking me once more, he asks me something I really wasn’t expecting. “Tell me about him, what was Josh like?” He strokes my back, in a reassuring manner, encouraging me to go ahead. Where do I start? Josh and I got together our first year of high school and were together for three years. He made me happy you know, there wasn’t a minute that went by without him smiling.” Realization dawns on me, how could I of known he was depressed. Every time we were together we were laughing and joking. He was always happy. “You okay Isabelle?” Xavier asks pulling me out of my reasoning. “Erm …. Yeah. Where was I. I recently found out, Josh suffered from depression and took his own life.” Having difficulty swallowing, I find myself in the midst of a panic attack. Xavier realizes what’s happening. He cups my face and hovers over me. Looking intently into my eyes, in a calm voice “It’s okay, look at me Isabelle, keep your eyes fixed on mine.” Grabbing my hand he places it against his chest, so I can feel the rhythm of his heart beating. “Slow down your breathing Isabelle, follows the beats of my heart. That’s it, good girl.” Taking his advice, the panic recedes leaving me trembling underneath him. He looks at me with such scrutiny, assessing I’m okay. Satisfied with what he sees, he lies back down. Pulling me to him, resting his head against mine.
We’re silent for a long time, both in our own worlds. The only word to describe being with Xavier is content. I feel content. “Let me be by your side, Isabelle.” Xavier asks in a weak voice, there’s a slight tinge of red appearing on his face. With a small smile, I reply “I will try.” No other words are spoken as I drift back to sleep.
Chapter Nine
Xavier
When Isabelle tells us her boyfriend recently passed away, my heart broke for her. I can't imagine how she must be feeling. I've not helped her case either, with my constant come-ons, Shit, I'm such a dumbass. I had a niggle she was hiding something. but my god, not for one second did not believe it could be something so terrible. To say it’s a shock is an understatement. How can I continue to pursue her knowing, what she's going through? What’s even worse, I'm a douche for jumping the gun. Accusing her EX of leaving her to face the pregnancy alone. I couldn't be any more wrong.
Covering my face within my hands, willing my emotions to subside. "You okay?" James inquires from the opposite side of the room. Determined to calm my breathing. James offers no opportunity for me to answer before Kyle puts in his two pennies "It wasn't my place to say." My hands turn white from the pressure I'm applying to the chair. "She will be alright, Xavier, she needs time." Pissed off listening to their excuses. I cross my hands over my chest, my eyes narrowing on Kyle. “What if she needs someone to be there for her, huh!” Kyle's head flips up, the veins in his neck throbbing, clearly angry. Guess I struck a nerve. His lips forced into a tight-lipped smile. "You mean to tell me, you know what's best for my sister. The girl you've just met." I see red, shaking with anger. There is no way I’m going to be on the receiving end of his boneheaded attitude. I step in his direction, we’re now chest to chest. With venom lacing from my voice, “Not one of you have taken any time for her. She isn't eating, I've seen her eat one meal. One meal in five fucking days. She wakes up every night screaming. You haven't by any means comforted her, not once since I’ve been here. It’s me who spends the night helping to keep the nightmares at bay. Don’t you fucking dare stand there and tell me I know nothing about her.” I argued.
Kyle steps back, his face crumbles. His eyes glistening with unshed tears, raising his hands, he holds them out in surrender. “Shit." Kyle rubs his hand roughly across his face. "I didn’t realize she wasn't coping. And what nightmares?” I shake my head in annoyance, “hearing her s
creaming, scares me.” Kyle glares at me expecting me to give him more information, “You need to talk to her man.” I slap him on the back and sit back down.
The rest of the night passes before my eyes. Eager to jump into the shower and forget the evening's turn of events. I wrap myself in a bathrobe and lay back on the bed. My eyes are heavy, If I give into temptation and shut my eyes for ten minutes, It won't hurt. Will it! Unable to fight any longer, I drift off to sleep.
~#~
I wake in a panic and search out the time. It’s nine o’clock, crap, I slept all night. I must've been exhausted, my only hope is Isabelle didn’t have a nightmare. I won’t forgive myself If I wasn’t there to hold her.
A Summer To Remember: Novella (Lost Love Book 1) Page 5