by Gay Gaddis
Once she wins its trust, girls and horses relate to each other in magical, mystical ways that men do not see and do not understand. Horses can be headstrong, stubborn, ill-tempered, and dangerous (like a lot of men), but they are usually complete pushovers when they encounter a young girl with a halter on her shoulder and a big grin on her face. We saw this every day with our daughter, Rebecca. Cowgirls earn a horse’s trust. By perfecting each technique, she becomes more competent. As she learns, she is more assured of her knowledge and skills, and that gradually builds confidence. It continues in a virtuous circle, building trust and competence at the same time. And as the months go by, that confidence emerges as assertiveness. I have watched a bond of trust develop between these young women and their animals. Hard work, learning the right way to do every little detail, and sitting high in the saddle steadily build inner strength and also physical stamina. I am always amazed at how these girls develop their own personal power.
As that power develops and skills are honed, many of these girls decide to compete. They compete in dressage, western riding, jumping, barrel racing, and more. They ride hard and they understand winning and losing. A select few end up decked out in glittery hats and tight pants, riding into a rodeo arena on their horse carrying the American flag while someone makes another brave attempt at “The Star-Spangled Banner.” All my life, I dreamed it would be me, but my mom wasn’t too keen on seeing all those pesky cowboys seeking my attention.
The Confidence Gap
I have read much of the literature and attended many conferences about women’s issues in business. One of the first things you always hear about is the confidence gap—that women don’t feel sure about their leadership abilities, that they are hesitant to take risks, that they are not outspoken and tend to stay back, don’t push, don’t challenge. They do not push for promotions or raises as effectively as men do. That does not sound like the cowgirl way!
Immediately, women are treated differently. Everyone is on high alert. Nostrils flare. When does a well-meant criticism cross the line and become harassment? I know that many men in business are less likely to correct women than they are men. Too often, men miss an opportunity to offer well-intended criticism, which means that women miss the opportunity to learn. If that happens over and over, it may not be such a surprise why women tend to lose confidence after their first year or two at work. They often get left off of the invitation list to activities their male counterparts participate in. If a woman is included, the men have to watch what they say. Fun over.
I have frequently put my male counterparts at ease by talking about the highlights of a football game, or using candor or homespun humor to make a point. If I describe something that is stronger than bear’s breath, then they know they don’t have to walk on eggshells around me. Don’t try this unless you can really be authentic, but if you can, it is pretty powerful.
So what’s the difference between these women and my cowgirls? No one worried about shouting at cowgirls when they made a mistake, because they would just grin and holler back. Many women today have not grown up in the rough-and-tumble world of cowgirls, are not used to well-meaning criticism, and as a result, they don’t handle it well. So women have a tendency to stay in safe places. That choice makes them seem unengaged and indecisive.
To compound the problem is the fact that some women’s use of language makes them seem tentative and uncertain. Phrases like “I think” or “I just” slip into the discourse.11 I recently did several focus groups at different universities, and many of the young women I spoke with used “I think” every few minutes. Stop it! Women tend to talk too fast and without enough emphasis on key points. And then there is that deadliest of all communications sins, up talking. You have all heard this. It is when a person’s voice pitch lilts up at the end of a sentence. It makes the statement seem indecisive and weak. I say no to this! Hire a speech therapist if you suffer from this debilitating affliction.
So women are often afraid to speak up, to take risks. Men are afraid to give them a hand and help them improve because it might come across as sexist and demeaning. What a mess! There is no single villain here. Most of the men I know are actually drawn to strong, powerful women, and champion them. And I don’t believe there are a lot of women out there who would not like to lead successful lives.
I have read articles about building confidence that suggest you can just decide to be confident, like it is a learned behavior. “Stand up straight, lower your voice, slow down,” I have heard them all. Sorry, it does not work that way. Authentic confidence means being true to yourself about what you have actually achieved, not how you are perceived. You have to believe that you have important ideas and perspectives. You have to believe that you have earned the right to express them. Your competence comes from your talent, education, and contributions to your team. Then confidence follows right along.
There is no way around this. If you want to be more powerful, you are going to have to know more than anyone else in the room. You have to do your research and think things through. You cannot fake it. You do not have to do it all yourself; build up your team to help you. But you must have vision, insight, and conviction in what you bring to the table. If you don’t, you will not be authentic. It simply does not work.
If you are not confident in your own competence, then focus all of your energy on yourself for a while. Learn new things. Become an expert. It takes time, hard work, and dedication. Then you will earn real respect and admiration. Your confidence will come, and when it does, you will become a powerful, assertive character who is authentic because she has done the work. There are many ways to build your confidence, but few shortcuts. Competence breeds confidence, which breeds assertiveness, which breeds more personal power, which breeds more flexibility for a successful life.
Help Others While Growing Your Confidence
My company has always done a lot of pro bono work through the years—everything from supporting the local opera to helping with abused children to feeding the homeless. Early in T3’s history the Salvation Army had built a new facility in downtown Austin but because of the downturn in the economy, many people were not able to meet the financial pledges they had made during better times. A few people on the board of directors asked me if T3 would do an advertising campaign to help fill the contribution gap. This came at a time when I was just starting the business and, quite honestly, we didn’t have the time or resources to do it, but we did anyway.
For the print portion of our Salvation Army campaign, we came up with a brilliant idea. It would require a centerfold spread in the Austin American-Statesman, which was not cheap. I made an appointment with the editor in chief at the Statesman, walked into his office, and shared the concept about helping homeless people with him. The copy simply said: “To You It’s a Newspaper. To the Homeless It’s a Blanket.”
Wow.
The editor bought into the concept. In fact, he loved it. I asked him to donate the centerfold in the Sunday paper two weeks from then. He gulped, and sat there for a minute. Finally, he said, “OK. I will give you the tabloid section.” I looked back at him and said, “That is the size of a paper towel.” It was more like a rag than a blanket. I needed the centerfold to be in the main section of the newspaper, to almost be the size of a blanket. Again, we sat there. I practiced one of the most important rules of negotiations—he who speaks first, loses. I just shut up and looked at him. Finally, he said, “OK. You got it.”
When I walked out the door, I felt powerful. I had used just a few words and silence to accomplish my goal. It turned out to be one of the most impactful ads we ever did. We won a national ADDY for the campaign and also raised an amazing amount of money and saved the Salvation Army’s Austin building. And, of course, I ended up serving on the Salvation Army board of directors for many years.
I walked a little taller after this experience. For young people just starting out in life, nonprofit organizations represent wonderful opportunities to learn, grow, and he
lp you better understand what you are good at. And what makes you happy.
Helping with nonprofits is a way to build power that is accessible to everyone, regardless of your position in life, and it is a great way to expand your network. I volunteered extensively starting in high school well into my early career and met some wonderful characters and lifelong friends, like Dick Rathgeber, who I served with on the Salvation Army board. Dick once told me, “If ten percent of the people aren’t pissed off at you at any given time, then you ain’t really doin’ bizness!”
Learning how nonprofits work is an invaluable experience in motivating people, understanding governance, and doing good. You work with people who are volunteering, so you already have something in common—a unifying objective. Learn to lead people. These are relatively safe environments; your teammates are not going to let you fail. Spread your wings and see what you can make happen. Prove yourself here and you will be better prepared for what is next in your life. And you will have topped off those buckets of goodwill.
Another breakthrough think tank idea was born at the cross section of need and a new technology. In 2009, mobile texting was new and was foreign to the ad community as a way of funding or selling anything. We wanted to help our friend Alan Graham with his Mobile Loaves & Fishes nonprofit. He had been feeding the homeless on the streets of Austin but was ready to take his mission one step further by helping the homeless get housing and build a long-term community.
We had this wild idea of raising a homeless man hundreds of feet in the air, and standing him on an outdoor billboard that was on I-35, one of the busiest highways in the country. So for two days, Danny stood in front of that billboard that simply read, “I am Danny. I am homeless. I am HERE,” with an arrow pointing to Danny. It also said, “1,200 texts gets me a home,” and “Text ‘Danny’ to 20222 to donate $10.”
Danny got a home. He was reunited with his daughter, who had lost track of him and saw him on the national news. And the results for Mobile Loaves & Fishes were nothing short of staggering:
33 percent increase in total year-over-year donations
300 percent increase in online donors
575 percent increase in MLF.org site traffic
$12,000 in local mobile donations in forty-eight hours
$606,000 more MLF donations than the previous year
The campaign generated 333 news stories in thirty-two markets reaching nearly 13 million viewers thanks to CNN, Fox News, the Huffington Post, USA Today, MSN, and more.
And the best result of all? One reunited family.
Understanding Where People Are Coming From
I have written about my dad’s philosophy of meeting people where they are. Here is an example of how I used it:
Not long after I arrived at the advertising agency Fellers, Lacy & Gaddis, I had a very outspoken client who was producing an annual report. We assigned a copywriter to work with him on the project. The first time they met, he talked nearly nonstop for almost an hour. My copywriter took notes and said very little. After the meeting the client stopped me in the hall and said, “That woman is dull and maybe stupid. She did not react at all. I want another copywriter.” Later that afternoon, I ran into the copywriter, who said, “What a pompous bore he is.”
I knew I was in trouble. So at the next meeting I did a quick team-building exercise with MBTI personality assessment. The bottom line was that the client was a huge extrovert and the copywriter was a huge introvert. I suggested we let him talk and let her listen and process, and then give her a couple of days to collect her thoughts and give him a written response.
We all agreed. A few days later she walked into the meeting with the first draft of the entire annual report. He sat in silence and read it. He looked up at both of us and said, “Brilliant!” The two of them became fast friends and big collaborators. From that point forward, he would arrive at a meeting, pontificate, and then leave with no expectations of an immediate reaction from her. He was confident that when she absorbed his thoughts and had time to organize them, her response would be spot-on. They both learned that they actually worked better together because they were total opposites, and I hung on to the business.
People are different; we all know that. But why? Brothers and sisters who grow up in the same exact environment turn out to be totally different people. Some of us, like me, are big extroverts. Others prefer to think before they speak. We don’t know why this is true, but it is. One of the best ways to understand this fact is to take the MBTI assessment. I would suggest girls take it midway through high school and learn the principles. Then do it again midway through college and again when you are starting your career. I know from experience that young people’s type can shift in subtle ways, so doing it several times really helps. I promise it will be one of the most important things you can do to better understand yourself and how you instinctively deal with other people. And it’s a lot of fun. Go to www.myersbriggs.org for more information.
The MBTI will show you your preferred use of perception and judgment and will make you understand people who deal with information in different ways than you do. I have seen it open people’s eyes over and over. It gives you a mental framework to understand where people are coming from. Always remember, it is more of a ZIP code to your personality, not a street address.
If I am talking to an SJ (sensing-judging type, which makes up more than half of the population), I know I can’t be vague or esoteric. I have to show a clear path, timeline, and result. If I’m talking to an NT (intuitive-thinking type), I can be more metaphorical—present in a more complex, inventive way. I can talk about what the future could be.
This one skill makes you radically more powerful because you develop shortcuts for effectively communicating with different personality types.
What Do You Do Better Than Anyone Else?
Find your passion in life, embrace it, and become an expert at it. For cowgirls, this usually involves a horse! Becoming an expert at something you love may be a lifelong calling, or it may be an interest that you pursue for just a few months. In either case it means being curious, actively learning something that can make you smarter or simply more interesting. We have so much to learn and so little time.
Digging deep into something builds character and signals intelligence, grit, and self-reliance. At the University of Texas, I developed a passion for black-and-white photography after taking a class that Garry Winogrand taught. Winogrand was a street photographer in New York and had a dramatic, almost intrusive style that I loved. I learned to shoot close up, almost invading people’s space. I learned how to use light and exposure and how to dodge prints in the darkroom. I would find myself in the darkroom most of the night—getting back to my dorm at 3 a.m. Time flies when you are doing something you are passionate about.
Being inspired by Winogrand’s work and winning his praise for my photographs (which was no small task since he didn’t hand out compliments easily), I truly knew that, for the first time in college, I had excelled at something that I loved to do. My work was even shown around the University of Texas campus as examples of fine art.
The summer after one of his classes, I traveled to Europe and took wonderful black-and-white photographs that are still displayed in our home today. And visitors never fail to admire them. I look at those images that I took in Europe some forty years ago and am amazed at how much character and raw emotion I was able to capture at such a young age. That summer I was able to meet wonderful people on the streets of small towns all over Italy and become a powerful photographer.
A few years ago, the Metropolitan Museum of Art in New York created an exhibit of hundreds of Winogrand’s photographs, most that had never been seen by the public. As I took all of this in, tears welled up in my eyes. I realized that through my photography (which I have kept up with all of my life), I have learned to perfect something. It has revealed a lot about my tenacity, and being able to stick with something. It has made me a more fascinating person and has helped m
e make connections with interesting people and embrace new ideas in our ever-changing world.
Rub On Some Self-Deprecating Humor
Powerful people lift people’s spirits. They make it fun for people to work together. As a manager I could always sense the collective mood of T3. But as I matured as a manager I learned not only to sense it, but also to build on it. You crack a joke, tell a funny story, say thank you, ask about the old family dog. You engage and find a way to move the mood.
Years ago we had a telephone system with a paging feature, which we rarely used. But on Friday afternoons, when things started to wind down, I would hit the “Page” button and play recordings of famous movie lines, like “Sell crazy someplace else, we’re all stocked up here.” People howled with laughter. And soon others would chime in with ridiculous songs and sounds. They would all head home for the weekend with smiles on their faces, which I loved.
Not long after e-mail came on the scene, one of our technical guys sent one that said, “I lost my dongle. It is small and purple. Let me know if you find it.” A hush went through the building as people read that cryptic message, quickly followed by a big collective laugh. A sense of humor, especially self-deprecating, is just plain attractive. Life is tough enough, so why not inject a little humor and a smile in almost everything you do?
Our Double Heart Ranch foreman, Hardy Vaughn, is a master at this. Many times, if one of our Texas Longhorn cows is slightly overweight, he will say something like, “She is getting a belly on her about as big as mine.”
Today, we have replaced our telephone paging system with Slack, a messaging platform. Now we have video snippets from social media, TV shows, and movies flowing across our computers, making it hard not to laugh. We even have one team member who has set up her own advice channel, where she will answer people’s questions on virtually any subject. She’s a cowgirl.