by Gay Gaddis
Here’s the bottom line. Be bold. Get out there. Kick some ass. And, as you do it, build buckets and buckets of goodwill as you go. Treat people well, do favors, and help their kids. Do the right thing and it all comes around. You make your own luck. Give a helping hand to good people who need it. Cowgirls have faith in the way things turn out if they approach life with a big heart. And cowgirls are usually right.
And go to gaygaddis.com and tell me about how you did it so I can share with my readers what we all can learn. Oh, and please share your tamale stories!
Climb on, cowgirl, and ride.
Mamie Francis Hafley with Napoleon
(Accession Number RC2006.076.228 © Dickinson Research Center, National Cowboy & Western Heritage Museum, Oklahoma City, Oklahoma)
Cowgirl Power Toolkit
You can clearly see that Mamie Francis Hafley had a few tricks up her sleeve to help her power through life. Here she is hamming it up with her faithful friend and steed, Napoleon.
Mamie knew how to thrill audiences and had a horse diving act riding off a fifty-foot-high platform into a barrel of water just ten feet across! Between 1908 and 1914 she performed this stunt 628 times. The fact that she couldn’t swim never stopped her!
She also performed as a sharpshooter, and did her rifle shooting from horseback in Wild West shows. Francis was teamed with Princess Winona in a vaudeville-shooting act known as Winona and Francis. Always drawing on her toolkit of experience and lessons learned, she continued to re-create herself and her performances throughout her life.23
This is my “Cowgirl Power Toolkit.” It is based on my life experiences that I described throughout the book. The toolkit contains easy-to-read, quick summaries of all of the main ideas in the book for easy reference. These are some of the sources of positive personal power. They are limitless and are available to everyone. I’m sure there are many more than I describe here. We will each find our own unique sources. These sources of power are not bestowed on you. Some you earn, some you adopt because they speak to you, some are inspirational directions.
Read through the ideas and pick two or three that are interesting to you. Then begin to apply them and practice at purposefully getting better at them. Think about ways you can stand out, inspire people, and build your power. The good news is that you don’t have to attend a conference or go to a seminar or endure an in-house training session to learn these techniques.
Think about these different approaches from a long-term perspective. How could implementing a few of these impact your family and your career in five years? Or twenty? How could these ideas help your children have happy, successful lives?
How can you string some of these ideas together? If you want to be a better public speaker but you are not super confident, add a serving of self-deprecating humor to your opening remarks. You’ll be fine. You will see lots of opportunity to mix and match the recommendations.
Work with your confidants, the Rough Riders. Experiment with this in the safety of that close-knit group of trusted advisors. Talk to your friends and co-workers about these ideas over lunch. Share information about what works and does not work for each of you. The more you make this tangible, the more effective it will be for you. Practice, practice, practice.
I sincerely believe that if we all change the discourse and stop focusing on our lack of power and instead focus on building our own personal power, we can change the realities of our lives for the better. We can show our children pathways to success. We can live happier, more fulfilling lives.
The toolkit is a working, living document. It has more ideas than I was able to cover in the book.
Cowgirls Are Responsible for Themselves
Cowgirls are taught at an early age to be responsible for themselves. They are expected to have both good judgment and self-control. It is critical that you take full responsibility for yourself. Don’t blame someone else, that is not the cowgirl way.
Here are a few helpful ideas.
The Dreams and Reality Exercise
Let yourself go and write down your dreams. Who do you want to be? What do you want to accomplish? Who do you want to inspire? Where will you be happy? Where will you be satisfied with your life?
Then write down the reality of who and where you are today. Be completely honest. If it is good, face it head-on. If it is bad, face it head-on. The ability to see yourself from afar is profound and invaluable on the road to success.
Now begin to connect the dots that will take you from today’s reality to tomorrow’s dream. Don’t get too granular yet, look for directions and pathways. If a path is closed, find a way around. Work on it. Pathways will begin to emerge. They will require lots of work and effort, but they are there. Not all of them will take you to a good place. But each path you follow will help you grow.
Set Your Goals, Do It Again, and Again
After you identify pathways, focus on goals. Pathways are not prescriptive. They are directional, like compass settings. They are not a road map. Setting goals begins to build your road map. Goals are about what you are going to do to follow a pathway. Write them down. Make them tangible. Save them so you can measure your progress.
Supercharge your goals by sharing them. Talk about them. Be accountable for reaching them. Do not just write them down on a yellow pad and put them in a desk drawer. There is nothing more awesome than achieving a goal and checking it off your list.
Who has shared their goals with you? Why? Why not?
Meet People Where They Are
Believe in your heart that each person you meet in life has a piece of your own life puzzle. Believe that you have a piece of that person’s puzzle to share with them. Approach them with that mind-set—with a sincere desire to put all the pieces together. It will profoundly change the way you relate to people and how they will relate to you.
When you meet people, invest a little time and energy so that both of you can understand which puzzle pieces may fit together.
Ride High in the Saddle
Don’t try to wear someone else’s hat. You will never be happy doing that. An attorney once told me, “I don’t feel confident when I go into a room in flats because I’m short. I always bring a pair of high heels to change into.” Put on those heels and stand tall. Do what works for you.
We all have different needs, uncertainties, and fears. Understand them, own them, and be in control of yourself. That is where you find your power.
Build Your Own Brand
Stand for something. Be interesting. Give people a reason to reach out to you, to connect to you. Find a style, a look that is uniquely yours. Find an interesting, engaging way to meet people. Be quirky and original.
I had a guy who worked for me who had a very dapper sense of style and usually wore a bow tie. He always told me, “You should dress like you give a shit.”
Build Your Rough Rider Team
Take responsibility to be sure you are getting feedback. Find a few teammates or friends who agree to give you candid feedback. Do the same for them. Feedback is invaluable because it is how we learn to perfect our skills. We all get too little of it.
Find people who will tell you the truth—who will tell you if you are “up talking” or using a singsong voice. Those who will tell you that you are on the wrong path.
Do the same for them. Be candid about both the good and bad. You will both grow more powerful together.
Try Saying Yes
Open your mind to opportunity. Say yes to the good things that come your way. How do you know which opportunities are the good ones? If they are a little scary or will make you stretch beyond what you are comfortable with today, then they are the good ones. Achieving success is never a straight line, it twists and turns and presents itself unclearly and unexpectedly.
Go say yes to the right things. Make your own luck. If you say yes to the wrong thing, fail fast and shut it down. That is a very powerful thing to do.
What Makes You Authentic?
The dreams and reality e
xercise asks you to be honest with yourself about your current reality. When you do that you quickly come to the question “Who am I?” When you answer that question, focus on what you do well because that is where your authenticity lives.
Focus on building on those truths about you that make you proud. Work on making those truths more accessible to you and your friends and family. This is not about building perception.
Deliver the truth about who you are every day.
Hang Out with People Who Pull You Forward
If you have ambition and want to succeed, spend your time with people who can and will pull you forward with them. Evaluate everyone you come into contact with against this measure. It works both ways, look for people who you can pull forward. If you have friends or family that do not measure up, be nice to them but don’t overinvest.
Think of all the people you know as a portfolio of access to success and personal power. Invest wisely.
Stop and Kiss the Clown
When you see someone who has excelled, made an extra effort, or who is an unsung hero, stand up and recognize them. Find the right moment to do it, but make a point of publicly saying thank you. You’ll make someone’s day. You’ll put some goodwill into those buckets of yours. And it will power you up because no one else thought to do it.
Cowgirls Build Their Own Competence
You have to do the work to build your competence. You have to build your skills and knowledge. Competence is not bestowed on you. You don’t wake up one day and decide you are competent. You earn it. If you want to be a respected team member, you have to earn that respect. Be curious, a self-learner, a self-starter.
Be All In at Work
The truth is that many people live in a fog at work. It is startling, but a fact. Too many people are simply not engaged with their work because they do not care. That is the saddest thing in the world.
People who love what they do are highly engaged. I call it “being all in.” These are the people who make magic. It is inspiring, highly contagious, and empowers us all.
Be all in and watch who follows you.
What Do You Do Better Than Anyone Else?
Think about it. Maybe you are not better than anyone else today. But where are you closest? Where are you competitive? Figure this out and put most of your energy there.
Women tend to have too much self-doubt. I know a young woman in high school who was struggling with physics and asked for help from a friend. She later learned that she got an A in the course and he got a B. She had actually mastered the coursework better than him. Her confidence had not caught up with her ability.
If you were to ask me what I do better than anyone else today, I would say that I am a Master Connector of People. Am I really the best? I’m not sure, but I believe I’m damn competitive at the game.
You are better than you think you are.
Where Do You Suck?
This is the flip side of the “what do you do better” question. Where do you suck? Understanding the answer to both of these questions is part of the reality exercise. And it is one of the most liberating things you can do for yourself.
I am not a detail person. I try to write down the details. I make all kinds of lists, but then I misplace them and feel guilty and ashamed. The good news is that I always remember the big issues. But I suck at even finding those lists, much less executing them. As my dad once said, “You can’t find your butt with both hands.” Whew!
When I finally realized that, I let it go. It was one of the happiest days of my life. I stopped pretending to even deal with the details. I felt powerful enough to start each meeting with a pronouncement about my weakness and ask who in the group would keep track of the details. And, who would promise to be able to find that list tomorrow?
I’m now working on my next biggest weakness. It has something to do with shoes.
Study Personality Type
Understand the basics of personality types. Learn to see introversion and extraversion. Learn the difference between thinking and judging. Just knowing that people can see the exact same thing in radically different ways is powerful. You do not need to be an expert, just be aware of its importance.
If it interests you, take one of the personality tests. It is more helpful and fun if you do it with your teammates, friends, or family so you can compare and talk about it. If you are still interested, read some books or take a class or two. If you are going to be dealing with people in your career, this is the secret sauce to your personal power.
Some people see trees. Some people see forests. Helping them see each other is powerful stuff.
Don’t Ask for Permission
Cowgirls don’t cotton too much to others lording authority over them. When the circus comes to town, they might just join the show and be gone the next day. A little town in Nebraska today, Madison Square Garden tomorrow. Cowgirls are bold. They can be impulsive. They have confidence in their gut and are not afraid to take a risk to be a star.
Ask for forgiveness later.
Charity Can Take You a Long Way
Do good things—for yourself and others. Working with nonprofits is good work that helps others. But as you build your competence, nonprofits give you a great place to exercise your growing cowgirl power in a safe, supportive environment. The people around you in these organizations share your values and goals. They will support you and not let you fail. Be bold here. Take risks. Then apply what you have learned to both your personal life and career.
Do good for others, and yourself.
Make Your Own Luck
Life is like a pinball machine. The more you play, the higher your score will be. You never know where things will go and how they will work out. But you should know with certainty that the harder you play at making connections, learning, and leading with your heart the luckier you will be.
Be curious. Ask questions. Look around the corners. It is OK to even be a little pesky. Go for it, all they can do is run you off.
Always Have a Point of View
Most women I know shy away from debates and confrontations. Debate class was one of the best life lessons I ever learned. You have to debate issues because if you don’t, you will never have a strong point of view. If you do not advocate for a position and allow yourself to be challenged, you will not have thought through all the implications. And you won’t be very interesting.
Get a nice bottle of wine and a good friend and respectfully go argue with each other.
Cowgirls Use Their Competence
to Find Assertiveness
I see women trying to become more assertive. They read articles that give them all kinds of advice, most of which is bullshit. The truth is you cannot be authentically assertive without having built your own competence. But when you have done the work, you have earned the right to be authentically assertive. You have the right to be heard, because you have something important and interesting to say.
Know How to Be Assertive and Win
Cowgirls know that on the ranch and in board of directors meetings that women can come across as being too aggressive. Cowgirls have earned the right to be heard, and when they want to make a point, they stand up and express themselves boldly, taking on a bit of masculine persona. They speak their mind without fear of being judged.
But they also know when to shut up. They follow up with a little humor. They ask questions. They are open-minded. And they listen carefully, now switching to a more feminine approach. This double whammy of boldness followed by an open and friendly demeanor eliminates the risk of being bitchy. Cowgirls know how to do it instinctively. They have been leading cowboys around by the nose since the beginning of time.
Women who learn how to do this with confidence and ease actually can come across as more powerful than most men. It is a wonderfully unfair advantage because men can’t do it.
Express yourself boldly, smile, and sit down.
Listen to Your Gut
Your gut is your guide to assertiveness. Your gut is
a combination of dreams, reality, experiences, fears, and doubts. Your gut is the summation of who you are. When you need to take a stand, be bold, and speak your mind, check your gut first. While it is usually a bit vague and rarely logical, listen carefully.
When your gut speaks to you, pay close attention. Even if your mind says it is a risky move, if your gut says go for it, be decisive, be bold, and go for it.
Your gut will rarely steer you wrong.
That Last Item on Your Checklist
There is power in that checklist. When it gets too long it can be daunting. But when you whittle it down and before you go to bed, check off the last item; there is a huge sense of accomplishment and power that keeps you warm and snuggly all night.
It is the things I have not resolved that keep me up all night. Some of those you have to let go. As Scarlett O’Hara said, “I can’t think about this now. I’ll go crazy if I do. I’ll think about it tomorrow.” Having a lot on your plate demonstrates your value and your personal power. Do what you can do today.
Then check that off of that list with joy and satisfaction. Sleep tight.