‘Fine. I was the one who asked for a divorce, so I can’t really complain.’
‘I know you can’t, but do you want to?’
I speared one of the little hearts on a chopstick. ‘I don’t know. Things are getting more and more difficult between us. I’m starting to wonder how we ever thought we’d get through a year of living together like this.’
‘And neither of you can move out? Definitely?’
‘We can’t afford it. And Jack’s so bloody-minded that he wouldn’t, even if he could.’
Liz nodded sagely. ‘Yes, he can be very bloody-minded, refusing to move out. Yes, that stubbornness … it’s almost like it’s familiar from somewhere, but I can’t … quite … place it …’
I ignored her, continuing, ‘We’re not talking at the moment, me and Jack. And we’re on rotas for everything like we’re living in a youth hostel, plus I’m terrified I’ll hear him and his new girlfriend at it one night.’
‘Ugh.’ Liz put her hand on mine. ‘Would it help if I had her killed?’
I closed my eyes, and nodded. ‘That would be awesome. You’re a pal.’
Benni caught me in morning break on the last day of term, asking if I was prepared for today’s meeting.
‘What … what meeting? What prepared? What have I done?’
‘You know it’s your cool head that really impresses me, darling.’
I looked at her over my glasses. ‘I’m in a fragile state. And I might be even more fragile if you’re suddenly telling me that I’m meant to be preparing for a meeting you’re announcing … what, five hours before? I’ve got all the excuses about why they haven’t done as well in their A Levels and GCSEs as we’d hoped, but that is all. Summer’s nearly here. Don’t make me call my union and have them man the barricades over unfair working conditions.’
‘Alright, Karl Marx, calm down. It’s just a certain young Mancunian Physics teacher has been looking for you all morning. Maybe he’s after some kind of meeting?’ I opened my mouth, but she said, ‘I’m saying nothing, there’s nothing to see, nothing’s going on. So shall we just carry on and pretend I never said anything?’
By the time George finally got to my cubby, I’d relaxed. And his face made me relax a little more.
‘Hey, Zoe!’ he smiled.
‘Hey, George. Benni said you were looking for me?’
‘Yeah.’ He blushed a little, and focused on the textbooks on the corner of my space. ‘I just wondered if anything had changed? If you’d fancy a drink again. Just you and me?’
I willed my face not to blush back in sympathy. ‘I’m back to back with plans at the moment …’
George smiled, backing away.
‘But I’ll be free after the summer holidays.’
His face lit up again.
‘Is that any good for you?’
‘Great! Do you want to let me know where you fancy? You know your way around better than me …’
We agreed that I’d suggest a venue closer to the time. That gave me six weeks to make my peace with a real date. If it’s good enough for the gander, I thought. What the hell was the point in holding back – I liked George. Or at least, all the parts of him I’d seen so far. Why would I turn that offer down again?
That evening I walked home smiling to myself, just a little, and wondering how I was going to tell Jack that I had my own romantic interest.
On Wednesday, Jack texted me to find out what time I was coming home, which I assumed meant he had Jessica over. In the end, I got back half an hour earlier than I’d planned – entirely not my fault, I swear – and when I put my key in the lock, Jack was right there. Before I even had a chance to step in the door, he said, ‘Can you close your eyes a sec, please?’ When I did he led me right into our bedroom, where he said I could open them again, before leaving the room and shutting the door behind him, with no further explanation. Was Jessica dressing in our living room? What was she – they – doing that I couldn’t see? Oh god, it didn’t pay to dwell on that thought. I had the bed that week, so I was tempted just to brush my teeth in the en-suite and go straight to sleep, bypassing whatever he and Jessica were up to. On the other hand, it wouldn’t hurt to give Jack a heads-up about George, if he was going to be bringing Jessica here more frequently. I called to Jack through the door, and tried not to think about what – or who – he might be doing in there.
‘Listen! Jack! Sorry to yell, but I just have to say something.’
‘Hang on a sec, Zo.’
‘I just wanted to let you know – about that guy I was seeing.’ Or not seeing at all, I thought, more accurately. There was a clanging in the kitchen. ‘God, something smells good! That guy – so I’m seeing him again. Properly.’
Or at least properly in the sense of finally saying yes after repeatedly turning him down. That kind of properly. But hell, telling Jack this was a lot easier when I couldn’t see or hear him. I hoped Jessica could hear too.
There was an even longer silence, with no more sounds from the kitchen, and no response from Jack. Were they going to have to eat in silence while I hid in here?
‘Jack? Did you hear that?’
There was a beat. ‘Sure, ok.’
‘So … Is it ok if I just go to bed now?’
‘Yeah … ok.’
‘You alright in there?’
‘Yeah. I’m just … clearing up. I had someone over and I just need to … tidy up.’
‘Ok. Night.’
The kitchen went quiet for a long time, while I got ready for bed. As I climbed under the duvet and started drifting off, I thought about George – about what might happen after the holidays. Hoping for something simple, fresh, unspoiled. It was a good feeling.
I fell asleep quickly, for the first time in ages.
Around 3 a.m., some drunk partiers stumbling home down the street woke me up. I had a sudden craving for a slug of ice-cold milk, so did my own stumble to the kitchen, past a sleeping Jack on the sofa. I took out the milk and stood glugging it for a while, pleased no one was awake to catch me swigging out of the bottle. I emptied the whole thing, and opened the bin to throw it away; on top of the rubbish was a pile of food, a huge mound of it, a meal at least. I used the milk bottle to lift up the layers. It looked like a complete beef wellington, sliced up then tossed away, scattered with green beans, and with a huge slug of – I sniffed – chocolate mousse on top. An empty bottle of Châteauneuf-du-Pape sat at the top of the recycling side. My fuggy 3 a.m. mind couldn’t work this out. Why was Jack making Jessica my favourite meal? And why had it all been thrown away?
Then something shifted in my brain.
He’d wanted me home at a specific time; he was doing something in here he didn’t want me to see immediately; and he’d reacted pretty oddly when I’d told him about George.
No.
If Jessica hadn’t been here, if the meal hadn’t been for her, if the whole thing was something else altogether – something romantic, something I definitely couldn’t think about, at 3 a.m. or 11 a.m. or 6 p.m. or ever – then I was going to have to go back to bed, fall asleep, and wake up pretending this had all just been a bad dream.
A few weeks later, when I was in full summer holidays mode, I sat with Esther in her back garden on one of her half days from work. In the August afternoon sun, I thought about how I’d be back to school again within a month, and I knew the momentum would carry me all the way to Christmas, to new flats and divorce filing.
‘So you’re trying again with him, then?’ Esther said, from her prone position on William’s Peppa Pig bath towel on the grass. Ava came out of the back door with a tray of tea for us all, on her own day off, her ears pricking up. ‘George, from school,’ Esther explained, and I saw Ava’s shoulders drop slightly.
‘It’s just a date. And officially, we’re still just friends.’
‘Is that what you want?’ Ava asked, handing out the teas.
‘Either. I don’t mind. I don’t want to be alone forever. I know, I know,’ I said, as Esther choked on h
er tea. ‘I’m just following Liz’s example: something unexciting, undramatic, something I don’t have to deal with, that I might actually just enjoy.’
Esther and Ava looked at each other.
‘I don’t know what I’m supposed to do here! If I go to a party with Jack, you guys are rolling your eyes and pulling faces; if I see someone else then it’s too soon and I need to be careful what I’m doing.’
‘Are you happy?’
‘I don’t know. Are you? Am I supposed to be?’
‘I miss Jack,’ said Esther, as Ava gasped. ‘What? You know you feel the same, Ave.’
‘Zoe, we trust you,’ Ava said, putting a hand on Esther’s arm to calm her. ‘We just don’t want you to get hurt.’
I drank my tea. We’d arranged this afternoon off together a while ago, but there was another reason I’d wanted to see them both. ‘Speaking of which – I really think we need to worry about Kat,’ I said. Ava looked slightly apologetic.
‘Zo, please,’ she said. ‘We understand that he’s your ex and you’re not fond of him, but what precisely are we supposed to be worrying about here?’
‘He’s creepy, we know that, but … is there something else going on?’ Esther asked.
‘I tried to see her at her office a few months ago. I know, I should have spoken to you guys, but I was caught up in all this stuff with Jack, and I didn’t know how to explain everything. To you two. Properly.’ I checked we still all had tea left, then brought out a Tupperware of Mum’s ginger biscuits from my bag. It was time to start talking.
‘Chuck … isn’t just an ex. Well, he is. But that’s not why I don’t like him.’ Ava looked anxious as I spoke. ‘He chose me as his girlfriend. I was sixteen, and he convinced me that we were supposed to be together. He was in his mid-twenties. Do you remember that time you saw us?’
Esther nodded and Ava’s eyes just grew wider.
‘He was furious with me. Wanted me to go straight home and find out whether you’d really seen him. He was so angry that I’d got my family involved in our relationship.’
‘Did he hit you?’ Esther’s voice was shaking.
I almost laughed. ‘No, hitting might leave marks. He’d punish me by not speaking to me – we’d go on a date, somewhere we wouldn’t run into anyone we knew, but he wouldn’t talk to me all night. He’d flirt with every other woman in there, and then at the end of the night, he’d say, “I hope you understand how lucky you are that I’ve forgiven you. I’ve got so many more options.” And he’d do that … a lot.’ I took a steadying breath. ‘If I went out, he’d say I’d probably been flirting with other boys. Then I’d probably been sleeping with them. So it was best if maybe I didn’t go to parties anymore. And maybe I shouldn’t keep my Saturday job, either, if it meant I’d be flirting with other boys. Didn’t I love only him? By this time, we’d got engaged.’
‘What the fuck?’ Esther yelled, shock screwing up her face.
‘Oh, yeah, I wasn’t allowed to tell you about that. I’d gone to his flat once and one of his friends was there, and Chuck introduced me as his fiancée. I didn’t know what to say. When the friend left, Chuck said he’d been thinking about it, and he’d decided it was best if we really committed to the relationship. And wasn’t that what I wanted too? He never actually proposed, not formally, but that meant I never had a chance to say no. Of course I loved him. How could I not love this charming, handsome man?’
‘Zo …’ Ava whispered, but I couldn’t stop.
‘And the fact that I kept talking about my schoolwork really bothered him: if I had so much work to do, why did I have to do it in the library? Why couldn’t I work at his house, and we could spend some time together? Only, when I got there, it was either to clean his house – he was sick, he couldn’t do it as well as me, no one cared about him – or to … you know. Sleep with him. The only time I was able to actually revise was when I got home in the evening.’
‘Me and Ave kept saying how knackered you looked. We were really worried you were working too hard on your A Levels.’
‘Is that why your grades weren’t as good as you’d been predicted?’
I did laugh, then. ‘Nope. I might have scraped through – I still went to class – but the night before my first exam, he texted me to come and meet him at our usual pub. I told Mum I was going to Liz’s and sneaked off. Turns out,’ I sighed, ‘he just wanted me to meet his new girlfriend. He was sitting on a bar stool facing the door and she was straddling him. They were all over each other. When he saw me come in, he just grinned, and said, “Hey Zo.” I ran out, ran all the way to Liz’s, who called Mum and asked if I could stay at hers as I was already asleep, tired from all my work. Liz always hated him, always knew he was a shit. She knew better than to say anything to me, though: I’d always defend him, the second she even looked sceptical about me not coming to a party, not coming to the library, quitting my job, missing out on trips and holidays. I was with him for a year and a half, altogether.’ I clapped my hands together. ‘So. That was it. I spent the entire morning of the exams throwing up. I don’t even remember writing anything. And that was pretty much my A Level hopes over.’
Ava was on the verge of tears and Esther looked murderous.
‘He did that shit to you? To our little sister?’ She gritted her teeth. ‘Why didn’t you tell any of us, Zo?’
‘Because you would literally have killed him, Es. And I – I thought that I loved him.’
‘Oh, Zo,’ Ava said, her voice catching. ‘And now he’s after Kat.’
‘I don’t know. I don’t know what he’s doing. Maybe he is just her boss. He made it clear that I’m not welcome at the office, and that I shouldn’t say anything to Kat, which he hardly needs to worry about since she won’t talk to me about him either. She might be older than I was, but she reminds me so much of me when I knew him – always knowing better, never willing to listen to anyone else. I can’t make her talk to me. And I didn’t know if I should come to you and tell you two all this – but she won’t talk to me, won’t tell me anything. I’m so worried.’
‘We might not know what he’s up to, but I bet he fucking does.’ Esther looked at her watch. ‘Will and Ethan won’t be home for a few hours yet. And when’s the next time we’re all going to be off together during the week?’
I gaped at her.
‘You might not be welcome at their office. But I think maybe we should go and visit our little sister – together. She needs to know what’s going on.’
My heart was pumping by the time we got there, not helped by Esther driving her Ford Fiesta into East London like we were in Le Mans. We parked with a handbrake crunch and strode into the office like a mile-high robot made of witches and fury.
Miranda was on reception. She gave me a pitying smile, recognising me immediately. ‘Here to see Mr Johnson again?’
Esther leant over her desk. ‘We’re here to see our sister. Kat Lewis. We can wait. And no, we don’t want any coffee.’
Ava smiled kindly at her. ‘Thanks, though.’ We took the same sofa I’d been sitting on before and waited for Kat.
‘One guess who actually comes out though,’ I murmured to my sisters.
Miranda picked up the phone and murmured into it. A moment later, the frosted glass door opened, but it wasn’t Kat. It wasn’t even Chuck. It was three security men, thick chunks of gristle wrestled into heavy-knit navy polyester jumpers, and they were coming our way.
‘Sorry, ladies,’ the shortest one said, not looking remotely sorry. ‘I’m afraid the management has asked that you vacate the premises.’
Ava sat forwards, tucking her knees together and smiling at them, happy to correct their error. ‘It’s ok,’ she said. ‘We’re just waiting for our sister, Kat Lewis? She works here. If you just give her a call, she can confirm we’re ok to be here.’
‘I’m sorry, ladies,’ Gristle repeated, his autocue stuck. ‘I’m afraid the management has asked that you vacate the premises.’
Esther stood up,
the top of her head reaching Gristle’s armpit. ‘I’m sorry,’ she said in a dangerous tone, ‘we’re here. To see. Our sister.’
‘I bet you are, love,’ said Gristle, and stepped forward again, so that his chest was nearly touching Esther’s nose.
I stood up too, half turning my back on the security guards. ‘Es. We need to go. Now. This isn’t going to help anything.’
She turned to me, shaking with anger, and said, ‘Let’s go.’ She helped Ava up and the guards stepped back. Esther and I walked through the exit and into the street, but Ava stopped and turned around to the watching guards.
‘I know you’re just doing your jobs,’ she said, in her soft voice, ‘but sometimes, you really need to a take a good long look at your life choices.’
I could see Main Gristle looked unperturbed at this, but the two guards behind him looked at each other, then down at the ground.
In the car, I was shaking almost as much as Esther. ‘Do you see what I mean? That is not normal behaviour, is it?’
‘What did he think we were going to do?’ Ava said.
‘That sick bastard is definitely up to something. And he’s not going to get away with it,’ Esther growled.
Ava reached forwards from the back seat and put her hand on my shoulder. ‘Again,’ she said. ‘He won’t get away with it again.’
I was beginning to realise that everything was slipping away from me, as I slouched at a child’s tiny desk on a child’s tiny seat at a new bar in East London. Photos were still popping up of Chuck and Kat at various office events and launch parties, and I’d not had a chance to speak to Kat alone – whenever I’d been at Mum and Dad’s, she’d been out. Working. And she wouldn’t answer my calls or my messages.
I looked at my surroundings then looked at Iffy. ‘This is not where teachers want to drink in their holidays, by the way.’
‘Listen, Zo.’ Iffy was pouring me a glass of something bright yellow from the jug we’d panic-ordered. ‘You know I love both you and Jack. And all I want is to see you both happy, either apart or—’
‘Don’t say it.’
‘Together. But I can’t help being glad that this ridiculous thing between Jack and that Jessica character is over.’
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