She sat up straight. “I’m sorry. His parents divorced when we were in middle school, right?”
I nodded. “Yeah.”
After what seemed like an extended period of awkwardly fidgeting in my seat, she broke the silence.
“So what happened between you two?”
“I found out about it, you know, about his mom. And I couldn’t get over it,” I said. “All I could think about was that his mom abusing him made him the way he was. And it creeped me out to think about having sex with him. Like, if I was having sex with him, I was condoning or approving his mother’s behavior.”
She stared back at me as if I had three heads. “What?”
I shrugged. “What?”
She glared at me for a moment, leaned against the back of her seat, and slowly shook her head. “Let me get this straight. You find out Luke was abused as a child and instead of supporting him, you broke up with him. You decided if you supported him that you’re supporting his mother’s abuse? So you fucking walked away?”
It sounded bad the way she worded it, but I nodded my head nonetheless.
Her eyes narrowed to slits. “What the fuck is wrong with you?”
A few seconds later, and the crying began again.
“I don’t know,” I blubbered. “It’s just…his mom…his mom made him that way…it’s just…”
“It’s just what?” she snapped.
“Gross. It’s gross,” I cried.
“Really? The same guy you were bragging about a few months ago is gross now? Because his mother abused him?”
I nodded.
“You selfish bitch,” she hissed.
I had called Chloe in an act of desperation, hoping for sympathy and advice. It didn’t appear she was willing to give much of either. I was beginning to feel smaller and smaller.
“And I thought you went to school for graphic design.”
I wiped the tears from my eyes. “I did.”
“Oh,” she said. “There for a minute I was thinking maybe you went to medical school and I didn’t know about it.”
I stared back at her, confused. “Huh?”
“You’ve diagnosed Luke. You’ve decided that his mother made him the way he is. What if she didn’t? It’s common medical knowledge that a small percentage of people in the lifestyle are abused. So who’s to say his abuse caused his kink?” She crossed her arms in front of her chest. “You don’t have a medical degree, so it’s sure as fuck not you.”
I wiped my nose with the back of my hand. “So you think maybe he was just born like that?”
She leaned forward slightly. “You’re as dumb as a sack of sand.”
As I prepared to respond, she turned her palm up and held it between us. “You’re done thinking. Done. I’m doing the thinking for you from here on out.”
I chewed the inside of my lip and nodded my head.
“Okay,” she said. “You’re just freaking out. He was abused. It’s fucking sickening, especially when it’s a mother doing it. We think of our mom as someone who will always nurture us. And when one of them does that? It’s pretty hard to accept. I’m sure that’s part of what’s got you all fucked up. Personally, I’d like to tie his mom up and throw knives at her.”
“But. That’s no reason for you to abandon Luke. He needs your support, and you need to find a way to give it. Here’s my idea.” She extended her index finger. “You and Luke. Together. You confront her.”
“What? Confront her? I can’t do that,” I responded.
“Sure you can,” she said. “Confrontation is the quickest way for someone who was abused to start to recover. It allows the abused to feel empowered, finally be heard, and more than anything, it’s cleansing.”
I slumped in my seat and stared. “Says who?”
She cocked one eyebrow.
I covered my hand with my mouth.
She nodded. “You guessed it.”
I lowered my hand. “Oh my God, I…”
“Save it.” She chuckled. “I don’t need you tossing my ass to the curb.”
“So, Luke and me both? At the same time?” I asked.
“Yeah, if he’ll agree to it. if you’re both there, it’ll make it much easier on each of you. This might sound crazy to you, but basically you grew up with him. His family was your family. His mom abusing him probably makes you feel like she let you down. Almost like she abused you.”
What she was saying made perfect sense. As crazy as confronting Luke’s mother sounded, somehow as I considered it as being a viable solution, I began to fill with hope. Within a few minutes, I was convinced it just might work.
“I think it’s a good idea,” I said.
“It’s a great idea,” she said with a grin.
I pushed my cup of coffee to the side, realizing I hadn’t so much as taken a drink. “Thank you.”
“One more piece of advice?” she asked.
“Sure.”
“Take a shower,” she said. “And change clothes,”
I nodded my head and stood, eager to see if her idea would work.
She opened her arms. “If you do talk to her…”
Exhausted, I held her in my arms, appreciative to have her as a friend. “Yeah?”
“Be sure and let it all out. All the anger, all the feelings, everything. And tell Luke to make her apologize. If she will, it’ll make a big difference.”
“Okay,” I said.
“Good luck,” she said. “And let me know how it goes.”
“I will.”
As I released her I caught a whiff of myself. Chloe was right, I needed a shower. Maybe after a long bath, I thought, I would feel good enough to call Luke.
And I hoped he still loved me enough to answer.
CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE
LUKE
“I just need you to listen. Like, for maybe a few minutes without talking, okay?” Liv asked.
We had simultaneously sent each other text messages wanting to have a talk. After sitting on her porch waiting for her to get home for almost half of an hour, I was willing to listen to whatever she had to say.
“Okay,” I said.
She looked like hammered shit, and smelled like she hadn’t taken a bath in a week, but seeing her was comforting.
“So I’m going to be honest, like really honest. And it wasn’t that I lied when we talked before, but I didn’t tell you everything.”
I nodded. “I’m just going to listen.”
“Okay,” she said as she rubbed her hands together frantically.
Apparently, she was pretty excited about whatever she had to say.
I studied her as she gazed down at the floor. There were dark circles under her eyes, her face had absolutely no makeup on it whatsoever, and her hair was a matted mess. She was wearing an old tee shirt I had left at her house when I was a senior in high school, and although it was the middle of summer, she was dressed in jeans and combat boots. Despite her odd outward appearance, as she sat and mentally prepared for whatever it was she intended to say, she was beautiful.
She took a long deep breath.
“So when I found out about your mom it freaked me out I convinced myself that her abuse made you crave the things you crave sexually and I felt like if I enjoyed participating in those same things it somehow made me a part of all the abuse or that I condoned it or something I don’t know but the whole thing freaked me out and I didn’t want to lose you as a friend and I knew if we kept having sex it would freak me out so I broke up with you but it drove me crazy and I’ve been crying for a week and I haven’t slept or taken a bath in a week either but I talked to Chloe and she said if you and me together confronted your mother that it would be the first step in recovery and I really need you back so I was wondering if you’d consider that?” she blurted in one long breathless sentence.
I raised my index finger and inhaled a shallow breath. As I prepared to respond the best I felt I was able, she interrupted my thought process.
“Wait,” she snapped
. “I’m not done.”
“Okay.”
“So I want you and me to go talk to your mom. Will you do that?” She asked. “Okay, I’m done.”
“Wow.” I widened my eyes and shook my head.
“So you…” I paused and thought about everything she said, realizing I was speaking more out of excitement than preparedness.
“You want to confront my mother? About the abuse? You and me?”
She nodded her head eagerly.
My eyes fell to her feet and slowly raised to meet her gaze. “It’s something I’ve been wanting to do for a long time, but never thought I’d be able to without beating the shit out of her. If you’ll go with me, I think it’s a good idea.”
She clapped her hands together. “I hope this works.”
I chuckled. “But you’ll need to take a shower and change clothes first.”
She jumped from the couch. “I will. Get it set up. When do you think we can do it?”
I shrugged. “I’m guessing if we ask, it’ll never happen. If this is what’s between you and me being together, I say we just go to her office. Fuck it. She interfered with my life, I say it’s time we interfere with hers.”
“I’ll be ready in fifteen minutes.”
“Take your time.”
As she took a shower, I thought of what I wanted to say. It seemed odd that Liv’s resolution to our problem was the same resolution I had thought of for years, but never seemed to develop the courage to proceed with.
The more I thought about it, the more prepared I felt I became. I didn’t want to be my mother’s friend, her enemy, or her son, for that matter. As far as I was concerned, she forfeited her right to be my mother when she chose to do the things to me that she did.
I wanted to say what I felt I needed to, walk away, and hopefully live a less complicated life as a result.
One with Liv in it.
She stepped through her bedroom door and into the living room. She looked gorgeous. I wanted to get up, hold her in my arms, and give her a long passionate kiss. I wished things were the way they were before, but realized the healing process for both of us would take time.
“You look gorgeous,” I said.
“Thank you.” She tossed her hair. “Are you ready?”
I felt I’d never actually be ready.
It had been thirteen years.
Thirteen years of nightmares. Thirteen years of guilt. Thirteen years of feeling abandoned. Thirteen years of wanting answers. Thirteen years of wanting an apology. And, thirteen years of wanting closure.
“Yeah,” I said. “I am.”
It was time for me to get closure.
And to begin a new chapter in my life.
CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO
LIV
“I’m sorry, Eve isn’t taking visitors at the moment, if you’d like to leave your name and telephone number, I’ll see to it that she returns your call,” the receptionist said.
“Where’s her office,” Luke demanded.
“I’m sorry, Sir. She’s got a full schedule, and I’ll really need you to…”
“Come on, Liv,” Luke said as he reached for my hand.
“Sir, Ma’am...Sir…Sir…” she wailed as Luke began stomping down the long hallway, dragging me along with him.
It seemed like a great idea, but after we arrived, my stomach was doing flips. I felt there was no way I would be able to say everything I needed to if we actually got to talk to her, and I couldn’t help but wonder if my hope of repairing everything was going to remain just that – hope.
Luke glanced through the door of each office he angrily made his way toward the end of the hallway. After being met by three wide-eyed men who apparently didn’t want to argue, his mother stepped into the hallway.
“Come in,” she said as she turned toward her office.
With my heart beating so fast it felt like I was going to pass out, I followed Luke into the office. He pushed the door closed and inhaled a deep breath. His mother, dressed in a black business suit, looked remarkably normal.
I guess I expected when we confronted her that there would be horns on the side of her head, even though I knew her to be an attractive woman. In my mind she had transformed into an evil monster, and regardless of how she appeared at that moment, she would always remain a demon.
“We’re going to talk,” Luke said. “And you’re going to listen.”
She sat down at her desk and gazed back at him with hollow eyes. She didn’t gaze past him, or even attempt to look away, which shocked me. Her eyes, however, conveyed absolutely no emotion. I glanced at Luke.
“Go ahead,” I said.
“I hate you for what you did to me. I’ll never stop hating you, and as much as I want to forgive you, I can’t. Don’t ask me to,” he said, shaking his finger in her direction as he spoke. “Ever.”
With an emotionless face, she stared back at him. Hearing Luke speak seemed to make me more comfortable. As he continued, I stayed focused on her, and the more I studied her, the less threatening she appeared to be. She wasn’t a demon or the devil, she was a coward.
“What you did? I thought it changed me forever. But it didn’t, and I won’t give you the fucking satisfaction of thinking you have that kind of power over me. You’re a heartless bitch that will one day have to meet your maker knowing what you did to Matt and me was so far beyond wrong that they’ll have to make a special place in hell for you to live in.”
She blinked. A tear rolled down her cheek. I found it odd that she didn’t even attempt to wipe it away. She simply sat and stared back at him as if she deserved to hear everything he was saying.
He turned toward me. “Liv?”
I inhaled a deep breath, gazed down at her desk, and raised my eyes to meet hers. The words came much easier than I thought, but in hindsight, it may have been that I desperately wanted to fix what was broken between Luke and me.
“When I found out what happened, I wanted you to die. Actually, I wanted to kill you. Now I don’t want that. I want you to suffer instead. That’s why I’m here. I want you to know what you did to Luke doesn’t only affect him, it affects me. And I want you to know how wrong it is, and I want you to drown in it. I want you to choke on it. And I want every day of your life to be filled with regret.”
Her lips parted.
“No!” I shouted. “I’m. Not. Done.”
“You’re supposed to love your kids. Protect, honor, support, and cherish them. You failed. You betrayed him. You are a nasty rotten bitch,” I half-shouted. “And you’re fucking sick.”
I didn’t need to go any further. I already knew what we had done somehow worked. I stood at the edge of her desk, shaking and filled with emotion, but I also stood knowing I loved Luke more than any other person on the earth.
“I guess that’s my job now. To love him, honor him, support and cherish him. I can tell you what I won’t do.” I raised my index finger in the air. “Betray him. That’ll never happen.”
Her eyes shifted to Luke. Another tear rolled down her cheek.
And another.
“I want an apology,” Luke said. “Not an explanation. An apology.”
She cleared her throat. “Luke. I’m so sorry. I’m sorry for what I did, I truly am. I wish I could make it all go away, but I can’t. there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t regret…”
Luke raised his hand. “Stop. Save it. I’ve heard all I need to hear.”
He turned to face me and sighed. “Anything else?”
I craned my neck toward her. I wasn’t afraid. She could hurt me, and she was done hurting my Luke.
“I hate you,” I fumed.
I thought the visit would be tiring, emotional, and exhausting. After telling her I hated her, I was full of energy and free of worry. But above all, I felt cleansed.
Luke cleared his throat, reached down, and gripped the edge of the desk in his hands. As her tear-filled gaze met his, he spoke. “I’ll pray for the ability to forgive you, but I’ll nev
er forget what you did.”
He turned to face me. “Ready?”
I held out my hand. He reached out and held my hand in his.
Together, hand-in-hand, we walked down the hall. Past the bitch receptionist, into the parking lot, and to my car.
I released his hand and fumbled in my purse for the keys.
“What now?” I asked.
He inhaled a deep breath, exhaled, and grinned. “Let’s start over.”
“What do you mean?”
“Ice cream. At Belmont Park. That’s what we were doing when everything went to shit. Let’s just forget any of this happened and start over.”
“Ice cream? Seriously?”
As he reached for the door handle, his hair fell into his face. He hadn’t shaved for a few days, and the beard I loved was returning. He raked his fingers through his hair and looked up. “Yeah. And maybe the rollercoaster again.”
“I love you. And I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be.” He grinned. “If it wasn’t for you freaking out, this would have never happened. I can’t even tell you how this made me feel.”
“You don’t have to,” I said. “I know.”
“Because there’s no contrast,” he said.
“Huh?”
He shook his head. “We’ll talk about it some other time.”
I smiled and opened the car door confident we’d have the rest of our lives to talk about it.
CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE
LUKE
I reached between her legs with my right hand as I fixed my eyes on hers. Her mouth opened slightly and her eyes widened as I slid my middle finger inside. She arched her back slightly and inhaled a shallow breath.
I added another finger.
She closed her eyes and chewed against her bottom lip.
Slowly, I began to slide my finger in and out of her. With each stroke, my fingers became more lubricated. After enough strokes to hear her breathing become slightly labored, I buried my fingers as deep as I could and curled the tips of them upward.
Her eyes opened.
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