She pushed the pan of potatoes and bacon toward him, and August ate some even though Lisa had told him she would make him a sandwich when she got up from the barn. The potatoes were greasy and good, the bacon little pieces of semi-charred saltiness, the onions soft, translucent, and sweet. August ate, then wiped his hands on his jeans and put his wrench on the table for his mother to see.
“Dad gave me a job,” he said. “For money.”
“Oh, well, I’m proud to hear it. Did you negotiate a contract? Set a salary-review option pending exemplary performance?”
“No, I’m just killing the cats in the barn.”
“I see. And this is your Excalibur?” She tinked the chrome-handled wrench with her fingernail.
“Yeah. It’s a torque wrench.”
She made a low whistle and coughed softly into the back of her hand. “It’s a big job, Augie. Is he paying you upon completion or piecemeal?”
“I’m taking the tails. We’re going to settle up at the end of the week.”
“Grisly work, son. That’s the kind of work you stand a chance of bringing home with you, if you know what I mean.”
“The haymow smells like piss. It’s getting real bad.”
“This is gruesome, even for your father. Jesus.” She looked down blankly at the cards in front of her. “I keep forgetting where I’m at with this.” She gathered up her game, her nails scrabbling to pick the cards up off the Formica. “I can go only so far with solitaire before I get stumped. You ever win?”
“I never play.”
“I suppose it’s a game for old women.”
“You’re not old.”
“If I’m not, then I don’t want to feel what old is like.”
“Are you ever going to come back to the new house?”
“You can tell him no, if you want. About the cats—you don’t have to do it.”
“She’s been staying over.”
“I found all Grandma’s old quilts. They were in a trunk in the back closet. Beautiful things. She made them all; some of them took her months. All of them hand-stitched. I never had the patience. She used to make me sit there with her for hours, learning the stitches. I’ll show them to you if you want.”
“Sure. I should get to work now, though.”
“Next time, then.”
August ate a few more potatoes and stood up.
“I wish you Godspeed,” his mother said, coaxing another cigarillo from the pack with her lips. “May your arrows fly true.”
“I don’t have any arrows.”
“I know. It’s just an old Indian saying.” She blew smoke at him. “I don’t care about the cats,” she said, smiling in such a way that her mouth didn’t move and it was all in her eyes. “I look at you and it’s clear as day to me that he hasn’t won.”
The barn was empty. His dad and Lisa were out rounding up the cows for milking. August put on his gloves and wedged the wrench down under his belt and climbed the wooden ladder up to the haymow.
Half-blind in the murk, wrinkling his nose at the burning ammonia stench of cat piss, he crushed the skull of the first pale form that came sidling up to him. He got two more in quick succession, and then there was nothing but hissing from the rafters, green-gold eyes glowing and shifting among the hulking stacks of baled hay. August tried to give chase. He clambered over the bales, scratching his bare arms and filling his eyes and ears and nose with the dusty chaff of old hay. But the cats were always out of reach, darting and leaping from one stack to the next, climbing the joists to the rafters, where they faded into the gloom. August imagined them up there, a seething furry mass, a foul clan of fanged wingless bats clinging to a cave roof. This was going to be harder than he had thought.
August inspected his kills. A full-sized calico and two grays, thin and in bad shape, patches of bare skin showing through their matted fur. He pitched them down the hay chute and climbed after them. On ground level, he took a deep breath of the comparatively sweet manure-scented air and fished his knife from his pocket. He picked up the first cat by the tail and severed it at the base, dropping the carcass on the cement with a wet thud. He dealt similarly with the other two cats, pitched them all in the conveyor trough, and went looking for a hammer. By the time he returned to the barn, his father and Lisa had the cows driven in and stanchioned in their stalls. The radio was on, loud enough that Paul Harvey’s disembodied voice could be heard above the muttering of the cows and the drone of the compressor. I don’t know about you-all, but I have never seen a monument erected to a pessimist.
August nailed his three tails on a long pine board and propped it up in the corner of the barn, where it wouldn’t get knocked over by cows milling in and out. He could hear his father doing something in the milk room. He passed Lisa on his way out of the barn. She was leaning on a shovel and spitting sunflower seeds into the dirt. She had on blue overalls and muck boots, and her frizzy blond hair was tamed into a ponytail that burst through the hole in the rear of her seed co-op cap.
“Hi, August,” she said, scooping seeds out of her lower lip and thwacking them into the dirt at her feet. “You didn’t come up to the house for lunch.”
“Yeah. I ate at the old house with my mom.”
“Oh, okay. I’m going to stick around tonight. I think I’ll make some tacos for you guys for dinner. Sound good?”
August looked at her face, her round, constantly red cheeks. She called it rosacea, a skin condition. It made her seem to exist in a state of perpetual embarrassment. He wondered if she’d been teased about it at school.
She was only seven years older than he was and had graduated from the high school last year. August’s father had hired her in her senior year to help him with the milking. She’d worked before school and after school and on weekends. August’s father had said that she worked harder than any hired man he’d ever had. Now that she was done with school, she put in full days. She could drive a tractor with a harrow, she could muck out the barn, she could give antibiotic shots to the cows, and when the calving season came she could plunge her hands in up to her wrists to help a difficult calf come bawling into the world.
“Crunchy shells or soft shells?” August said, knocking at the toes of his boots with the wrench.
“Soft?”
“I like crunchy.”
“Well, I’ll see what you guys have in the cupboards, but I bought some soft ones already.”
“Flour or corn?”
“Flour, I think.”
“I like corn.” August spat at his feet, but his mouth was dry, so the spit trailed out on his chin and he wiped at it with the back of his sleeve.
“I asked your dad what kind he wanted and he said it didn’t matter.”
“He likes the crunchy shells too. Trust me. Do you make them with beans or without?”
Lisa hesitated for a moment and tugged at the brim of her cap. “Which do you prefer?” she said.
“Well, that depends.”
“I bought some black beans. I usually put some of those in. But I don’t have to.”
“I like beans. But I don’t eat black beans. I think they look like rabbit turds. My dad thinks that too.”
“Okay, I’ll leave those out, then. Sound good?” The red on Lisa’s cheeks had spread. A crimson blush was leaching down her neck all the way to the collar of her barn overalls.
“All right, August, see you at dinner. Your dad’s probably wondering where I got off to. We have to get these cows taken care of.” Lisa headed into the barn, and August wandered out to the back pasture, swinging his wrench at stalks of burdock and thistle, stepping around the thick plots of fresh manure.
He climbed the low hill before the tree line on the property’s boundary and sat next to the pile of rocks that marked Skyler’s grave. There was a slightly bent sassafras stick, with the bark whittled off, jutting up from the rocks. It was all that was left of a cross August had fashioned from two such sticks lashed together with a piece of old shoelace. This was a gesture August
had seen performed in all the old Westerns he watched with his father. Whenever a gunslinger went down, his buddies erected a cross just like that. During the course of the past year, the sun had rotted August’s old shoelace so that the crosspiece had fallen off, leaving just the vertical stick pointing up at the sky like a crooked, accusatory finger.
Skyler had been his birth dog. His father had brought the tiny six-week-old pup home when August had been out of the hospital less than a week. It was something that August’s father said his own father had done for him. He thought that it was good for a boy to have a dog to grow up with. And, against August’s mother’s objections, he’d put the soft, pug-faced shepherd mix in the crib with August—“to get acquainted,” he said. “A boy with a dog is healthier, more active.” And it seemed true. August had been a particularly sturdy baby, a bright, energetic boy who grew up with a shaggy, tongue-lolling, good-natured four-legged shadow.
At twelve, Skyler had been in remarkably good shape, a little stiff in the mornings but by noon harassing the barn cats like a dog half his age. But then, one day after school, August didn’t see him anywhere in the barn or the yard. He went to the equipment shed and found him stretched out on his side with a greenish-blue froth discoloring his grayed muzzle. He’d chewed through a gallon jug of antifreeze that August’s father kept under the workbench.
August and his father had carted the body up to the hill and taken turns with the pickax and shovel. When they’d finished they stood and regarded the cairn of rocks they’d stacked over the raw earth to keep the skunks out.
“I guess twelve is as good an age as any,” his father had said. At the time, August thought he was talking about the dog. Later, he thought maybe his father had meant that twelve was as good an age as any for a boy to lose a thing he loved for the first time.
August watched the sky in the west become washed in dusky, pink-tinged clouds. Unbidden came the thought of Lisa, the crimson in her cheeks that spread like a hot infection down her neck and shoulders and back and arms, all the way to her legs. That this was the case wasn’t mere supposition. He’d seen it.
It had been an early-dismissal day the previous fall. August, off the bus and out of his school clothes, eating a piece of cake from the new house, wandered down to the barn, the air sharp with the acrid tang of the oak leaves his father had been burning in the front yard. The pile smoldered; there was no one around. Skyler slept in the shade of a stock tank. The cows were yoked up in their stanchions. The whole barn was full of the low rumble of suction, the automatic milkers chugging away.
And then, through the open doorway of the grain room, there was his father, thrusting behind Lisa, who was bent over a hay bale, her cheek and forearms pressed down into the cut ends of the hay. Their overalls were around their legs like shed exoskeletons, as if they were insects emerging, their conjoined bodies larval, soft and mottled. August saw the flush of Lisa then, the creeping red that extended all the way down her back to her thick thighs and her spread calves. She had her underwear pulled down around her knees, and its brilliant lacy pinkness was a glaring insult to the honest, flyspecked gray and manure-brown of the barn.
On his way out, August turned the barn radio up as loud as it would go. Golf, Paul Harvey was saying, is a game in which you yell “Fore,” shoot six, and write down five.
At the dinner table, Lisa and August’s father each had a beer. Lisa cut a lime wedge and jammed it down the neck of her bottle, and August’s father said, what the hell, he might try it like that too. They smiled at each other and clinked their bottles together and drank, and August watched the lime wedges bobbing in the bottles like floats in a level held on a surface that was out of true. When they’d finished eating, August’s father leaned back in his chair and belched mightily, his rough, callused fingers shredding the paper napkin as he wiped taco juice from his hands.
“Best meal I’ve had in a while. Thanks, Lisa.”
Lisa smiled and said, “You’re welcome, Darwin. I’m glad you liked it.”
“I got three cats today,” August said to break up their stupid smiling competition. “I did it with a wrench. Right in the head. They never knew what happened.” Out of the corner of his eye he could see Lisa wrinkle her nose slightly.
His father finished his beer and piled his fork and knife and napkin on his plate. He was a large man; all his joints seemed too big—hard, knobby wrists and knuckles, his hands darkened from the sun up to the point where his shirt cuffs lay. He was forty-five years old and still had a full head of hair, dark brown, just starting to gray at the temples. In the cold months, he liked to wear a bright silk cowboy scarf knotted around his neck. He smiled at women often, and, August noticed, women often smiled back. His mother used to say that for a guy with manure on his boots he could be fairly charming.
“Come on, now, Augie. I gave you a job and I appreciate you getting right down to it. But there’s barn talk and there’s house talk. I’m sure Lisa wouldn’t mind a little house talk now. How about you clear the table and clean up the dishes. And why don’t you thank Lisa for making that delicious meal? She worked all day and then came up to do that for us.”
“Thanks,” August said, and scooted his chair back loudly. He stacked the dishes into a precarious pile and carried them off to the kitchen. He ran the water until steam rose and squirted in soap until the bubbles grew in great tumorous mounds, and then he did the dishes. Clanking plate against plate, banging pot against pot, running the water unnecessarily, making as much noise as possible to cover the low murmur of Lisa and his father talking in the next room.
Through the kitchen window he could see the murky green cast of the yard light, the hulking form of the barn, and, farther out, the long, low shape of the old house, completely dark. When his father came in to get two more beers, August didn’t turn around to look at him. He stood next to August at the sink and took the tops off the bottles. He nudged August with an elbow, and August scrubbed at a pan, ignoring him.
“How’s your mother?”
August shrugged.
“I’m not going to run her down, Augie, but she’s not a woman that will ever give you her true mind. You know what I mean?”
August shrugged.
“She’s been disappointed her whole life, probably came out of the womb that way. You don’t disappoint her, I know that, but everything else does—me included, always have, always will. She never learned to hold herself accountable. That’s the way her parents allowed her to grow up. She’s very smart and she thinks she sees things I don’t see, but she’s wrong, I’ll tell you that. I see plenty. You hear me?”
August swirled a cup in the dishwater and didn’t say anything. His father slapped him on the back of the head.
“I said, you hear me?”
“Yeah. I hear you.” August looked straight ahead out the window.
“Okay, then.” He reached into the dishwater, came up with a handful of suds, and smeared them on August’s cheek. “You’re all right,” he said. “When you think it’s time, you let me know and we’ll go find you a pup.”
In the morning, the smells of toast and coffee and bacon pulled August from his bed before the sun had even hit the east-facing window. He clumped down the stairs into the kitchen and sat at the table, rubbing his eyes. Lisa stood at the stove, making eggs. Her feet were bare and she had on the gray long underwear she wore under her barn overalls. They were made for men and were tight around her hips, and when she bent over to get the butter out of the refrigerator August could see the faint lines of her panties curving across her full rear.
“Would you like coffee, August?” August nodded, and she put a steaming mug in front of him. “I figure you like it black, like your dad does?”
“Sure,” he said, taking a sip, trying not to grimace. “Black and strong.”
His mother mixed his coffee with hot whole milk, dumping in heaping spoonfuls of sugar. She told him that was how she’d learned to make coffee when she lived in New Orleans, in anothe
r lifetime, before she married his father. August knew that Lisa would never go to New Orleans in a million lifetimes.
His father came from the bedroom. He had a dab of shaving foam under one earlobe. He put his hand on Lisa’s waist as he got a coffee mug from the cupboard, and she turned and wiped off the shaving foam with her sleeve.
“How long before the eggs are done?” August asked, tapping his fingers on the tabletop.
“A few minutes. The bacon is almost ready.”
August sighed, downed his coffee, and took a piece of toast from the plate on the counter. “Well,” he said, “some of us can’t sit around. I have to get to work.”
He got his wrench from the mudroom and slid on his boots, leaving them unlaced, and walked across the lawn with his boot tongues flapping like dogs breathing in the heat. The cows were milling in the pasture, gathered up close to the gate. They rolled their dumb baleful eyes at him and lowed, their udders straining and heavy with milk.
“Shut up, you idiots,” August said. He picked a small handful of pebbles and continued to walk, pelting any cow within reach.
The trees that lined the back pasture were old oaks and maples and a few massive beech trees, the ground around them covered with the scattered, spiny shells of their nuts. There was a barbed-wire fence strung across the trees. It was rusted and had been mended many times, so old that it had become embedded in the trunks. August walked down the line and ran his fingers over the rough oaks and maples and the gray crêpe of the beeches, with their bark that looked like smooth, hairless hide stretched over muscle. He let his fingers linger on the places where the wire cut into the trunks, and then he knelt and sighted all the way down the fence, squinting into the strengthening light, and imagined that he was looking at a row of gnarled old people, the soft skin of their necks garroted by barbed wire, the twisted branches like arms raised, fingers splayed, trembling and clutching for air.
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