Jason sputtered on the last bit and then fell on Kale. The sobbing resumed, but it was less volatile. A few minutes later, he slept.
John rose from his seat and moved to leave. “John, can you check on Thomas for me?”
“No need to. Some of the cows are separated from the herd. He rode out with some of the boys to go search. Is there anything else I can get you?”
“No, thanks. You’ve been plenty of help. Now we just have to see if it worked.” Kale focused all of his attention on Jason. The muscles of his face were relaxing. The shuddering subsided. Ten minutes later, a soft snore escaped Jason’s mouth. Kale had never been so grateful to hear the nasally sound. He reached behind him and grabbed the cup of tea John had left for him. Its tepid sweetness tasted better than Kale would have thought possible.
Thirty minutes later, Kale was confident Jason would sleep for at least a couple of hours. He slid out of bed and grabbed the teacups to take with him down to the kitchen. It was still early evening, but the air in the house was dark and still, as if it was far later. Or maybe it was just Kale.
“How’s the master doing?” Darlene took the teacups from Kale and steered him into a chair.
“I don’t know. He’s sleeping now, but I don’t know how long it will last. I’ve never seen him like this.”
“It’ll pass. Just give it time.”
“I hope so, Darlene.”
“Let me fix you something to eat. I can have it taken to your room.”
“I’d rather eat down here, if you don’t mind. I need a break.”
“Of course you do. It’ll take just a few minutes.”
Kale nodded and stood. It took more effort than it should have. He’d hardly been on his feet all day. There was no reason for the difficulty. “I need to make a phone call. When I’m done, I’ll come back. I don’t want to bother with the dining room tonight.”
Kale needed Martin. He didn’t know how Jason would feel about him coming, but Kale didn’t care. They needed all the help they could get.
“Martin?”
“Kale, what’s wrong?”
“Robert passed today.”
“Oh, dear saints. How is Jason handling it?”
“Not well.”
“How are you?”
“Drowning. All my time is spent taking care of Jason. I’m sure there’s plenty that I should be doing, but I can’t even think clearly enough to know what needs done.”
“You’re doing exactly what you need to. Don’t worry about anything. I will be on the next train, and I’ll take care of everything. You just focus on taking care of Jason and yourself.”
“Thanks, Martin. I knew he’d take it hard—you know how Jason is—but this is beyond anything I’d anticipated.”
“You can never tell how people will react to this sort of thing. I’d love to chat, but I’ve got to go if I’m going to get the train tonight. I’ll get a cabbie from the station to bring me. It’ll probably be early morning when I get there.”
Kale was halfway up the stairs before his growling stomach reminded him he had a date with Darlene. It almost wasn’t worth the effort to turn around. When he reached the kitchen, the smell of fresh cornbread permeated the air, and he was glad he had decided to come back. When he sat at the plain kitchen table, Darlene served him a bowl of thick beef stew, a plate of cornbread with slabs of butter, and a tall glass of milk. It was the perfect meal that Kale hadn’t even known he wanted.
“Thanks, Darlene. This smells wonderful.”
“It tastes even better. You’re not leaving this kitchen until it’s all gone. I know how Master Jason gets. He hasn’t changed that much since he was a boy. When he’s distraught, he’ll tire out those who care about him. You’ve got to tread a careful line between helping him and wearing yourself out.”
“I can handle it.”
“Not looking like the living dead, you can’t.”
Kale answered by shoving a heaping spoonful of stew into his mouth. It was thick and warm and filled his insides with a comfort only food could provide. It wasn’t a struggle to finish every bite.
“You want more?”
“No, thanks.”
Darlene cleared away his bowl and plate. Kale needed to get back upstairs to check on Jason, but he had no idea what he should do when he got there. “He survived his mama dying. He’ll survive this.” Darlene patted his shoulder and sat next to him.
“How did he get through it last time?”
“Well, it’s tricky. When you’re young, your mama’s your whole world, but at the same time, you’re so full of life that eventually the urge to live just overwhelms everything else. Young’uns snap back. On the other hand, I’d wager he’s feeling his pa’s death deeper than he felt his ma’s. He knows what it means this time, but he’s a man. He’ll deal with it.”
Kale wasn’t so sure. No one felt things as deeply as Jason. His heart didn’t know the meaning of half-hearted. Jason’s grief could permanently change him. His grief when he’d lost Kale almost had. The only thing that had saved him was Kale’s return. There was no such hope in this situation.
“Thanks, Darlene.”
“Now you’d better go get yourself some sleep.”
“It’s still early.”
“I don’t care what the sun says. I say you need sleep.”
“Yes, ma’am.” Kale tried to smile but couldn’t quite manage it.
Jason was exactly as Kale had left him. The sight of the bed turned Kale’s muscles to mush. Darlene was right. He needed to sleep. Better to do it now while Jason was. Kale threw his clothes on the floor and climbed next to Jason. His bedfellow didn’t even stir. Whatever had been in his tea had done its job. Kale entwined his legs with Jason’s so he would be awakened as soon as Jason moved. Hopefully, Jason would be calm when he woke, but there was no guarantee. Once the sedative wore off, he could go right back to his hysterical sobbing. Medicine may have gotten him to sleep, but it couldn’t cure his grief.
Chapter Thirty-Eight
A dull throbbing was the only sensation that pierced the fog in Jason’s head. The fog obscured something, a different sensation he should be feeling. What had happened?
Kale was with him. He had been with him a lot. There were tears and a hollow feeling in his chest. His father. The nurse’s voice floated in the back of his mind. Robert was dead. Jason’s father was gone.
Jason’s limbs seemed heavy. He opened his eyes and saw the familiar expanse of Kale’s chest. Following the line of his body downward, he saw Kale’s legs wrapped around his own. That was part of the heaviness. He didn’t want to move. He didn’t want to think. All he wanted was to close his eyes and go back to sleep. The darkness of his unconscious mind was comforting, welcoming. The protective cocoon of Kale’s body didn’t allow for movement. Jason relished the restriction, the safety of it. There was nothing to worry about except the painful fullness of his bladder.
His arm moved first, breaking the comfortable stillness that had consumed him. He started to pull his legs from between Kale’s, expecting Kale to move and allow him to free himself. Instead, the legs only tightened on his own. He looked up to see Kale staring at him.
“How are you?”
“I didn’t mean to wake you.”
“You didn’t have a choice. How are you?”
Jason paused, considering the question. With anyone else, he would have said fine, but this was Kale. He needed Kale, which meant he had to be honest. It would only cause problems if he wasn’t. “I feel better, but I’m also waiting for it to wear off.”
Kale pursed his lips. “And what happens when it wears off?”
“I don’t know. I’m scared I’m going to fall apart.”
Kale pulled Jason’s torso to him, holding Jason tight. “Don’t be scared. You can be sad, angry, devastated, anything but scared. Every emotion makes sense except that one. You know why?”
Jason shook his head. Fear was so wrapped up inside him that he didn’t know how to separa
te it from all the other emotions.
“Because if you fall apart, I’m going to be here. And you can bet I’m too selfish to let you stay that way. I’ll piece you back together. I’m not going to let anything happen to you. Do you believe me?”
There wasn’t a good answer. Jason wanted to lie, but if he did, Kale might not be able to help him, and Jason needed someone he could trust. “I don’t think you’re lying.”
“That’s not the same thing.”
“No, it’s not. I want to believe you. I just don’t know if I can be helped.”
“And every time you’ve ever thought that before, you were wrong, weren’t you?”
Jason thought back through all the times in his life he had almost lost himself. “Yes. You’ve always made me better before.”
“Damn right, and I’ll do it again because you’re worth it, Jason. You’re worth everything I have to give and more. So don’t be scared. The only reason to be scared is if you don’t trust me. Do you trust me?”
“You know I do.”
“Then everything’s going to be all right. You do whatever you need to. I’ll be here to clean it all up. I won’t let you hurt yourself.”
Jason noted the omission. “Don’t let me hurt you either.”
“I can handle it. Whatever you can dish out, I can take.”
“No. No deal. You don’t let me hurt you, if for no other reason than I could never forgive myself afterward.” Jason knew from experience that Kale would tolerate any abuse Jason hurled at him if he thought it would help. It was a part of Jason’s past he was unwilling to relive.
“Fine. I promise I won’t let you hurt me either.”
“Good.” Jason moved to get up, but Kale restrained him.
“Where are you going?”
“I need to pee, if that’s all right with you.” If he waited much longer, he’d have to walk to the toilet with his legs crossed.
Kale released Jason’s legs. “Yes, you have my permission.”
Jason smiled, but it went no further than his lips. It felt like a lie. Nothing inside of him—no emotion—supported the smile, but he wanted to at least pretend he could be normal again. In the bathroom, he didn’t have to feign his relief at relieving his bladder. It was the most positive thing he had felt since his father died.
“I called Martin. He’s on his way.”
Jason rummaged around the wardrobe for a change of clothes. The ones he had on were wrinkled beyond recognition. “You didn’t have to bother him.”
“He wasn’t bothered, Jason. We need him here, and he’s happy to help. He would have been offended if we hadn’t called him.”
“I suppose you’re right.” Martin would be invaluable. This was precisely the type of situation in which he shone. Jason’s only objection was that he didn’t want to make his problems someone else’s. Martin had shouldered enough of Jason’s problems over the years.
“What are you doing?”
Jason unbuttoned his shirt. “Are you monitoring my every movement now?”
“Yes. Get used to it.”
“I’m getting dressed so I can go downstairs.”
“And then?”
“Then I will eat, if it pleases you.”
“I can have a tray brought up. You don’t have to go anywhere.”
“I know.” Jason was about to say he wanted to, but it wasn’t true. “It seems like the prudent thing to do.”
“I don’t want you thinking you need to do anything for anybody. If you want to go downstairs, that’s great, but don’t do it because you think you owe it to anyone to make an appearance.”
Jason shrugged into his new shirt and began buttoning. “I just want a little normalcy before I break down again.” It was coming. Jason could sense it on the edges of his mind. Once the fog rolled away, there would be nothing numbing his grief, and it would assault him again. The only uncertainty was whether it would be as powerful as before.
Kale joined Jason in dressing. “Good. There’s a beef stew in the kitchen that’ll make you want to take Darlene home with us.”
Darlene. What would happen to her now that his father was dead? Jason supposed she belonged to him. He could take her home if he wanted, cart her off like a memento. It was impossible to imagine the ranch without her. She was as much a part of it in his mind as the house itself. There couldn’t be one without the other. “That sounds good.”
Jason went through the motions. He finished dressing, went downstairs, navigated to the dining room without thinking, and ate what was put before him. He wanted to taste it, but he couldn’t. The stew seeped warmth into his body, but little else. The meat and potatoes sat heavy in his stomach. The cornbread was sawdust in his mouth. Dutifully, he ate until there was nothing left. Stand, walk, climb stairs, open door. His body seemed to move without any input from him.
“What do you want to do now?” Kale was behind him with both hands on Jason’s shoulders.
The fog was almost gone. Grief and pain rushed in. Jason longed for a drink, for the respite of losing himself in the alcohol, for a bottle to carry him away from himself. Those were dangerous thoughts. A drink was out of the question while he was in this state. He wouldn’t put Kale through that again. But there was an alternative. “Sleep. I want whatever it is you gave me earlier.”
“I’ll have to see if there’s anymore. Get undressed and into bed. I’ll be back.” Kale started for the door, stopped, and came back to Jason, giving him a brief kiss. Without another word, he turned and left.
It was always the little gestures that reminded Jason how lucky he was to have Kale. Jason disposed of his clothes in an orderly fashion and took his spot on the bed. The emptiness of the room crowded in. Without Kale to talk to or hold, he was left with only his mind, and it was a place that scared him. He tried to concentrate on the clock on his bedside table. The steady movement of the second hand tormented him with how effortlessly it passed time while he struggled just to stay inside his own head.
He changed his mind. He didn’t want the sedative. He wanted Kale. If only he would come back. The pressure built. He didn’t want to break, not now, not without Kale. If he let enough of a crack form to let the tears flow, he would burrow inside the misery, wrap it around himself like a blanket, and get lost in it.
The door opened. Jason’s head whipped toward the sound, his eyes searching out Kale’s face. They frantically darted around, not able to focus on any one thing. Two hands on the sides of his face, forcing him still. Two pale green eyes locking on his, not letting him see anything else.
“Jason, it’s all right. I’m here.”
Shivers coursed through his body. Their source was a mystery. “Did you get the sedative?”
“Yes. It’s the last dose. Darlene’s going to send it up in a cup of tea like last time.” Kale toed off his shoes and lay with Jason, crushing their bodies together so close that Jason’s shivering ceased. “Try to relax. If you need to cry, do it. You’ll feel better afterward.”
Jason shook his head. “I won’t be able to stop.”
“I doubt that. Go ahead and try.”
Tears already fell from his eyes. Jason held his breath, attempting to constrain them. When the air finally forced its way from his lungs, he couldn’t hold back his cries any longer. He buried his face in Kale’s chest and let it all out.
His father was dead. His father, who had always loved him, who had given him Kale, who he had only just begun to know. He was gone. There would be no more opportunities, no more chances to talk. A lifetime of memories of Jason and his mother had died. There was so much still to learn from his father, so much to share with him.
Kale’s hand rubbed soothing circles on his back, but it felt so far away. “You’re all right, Jason. I’m here.”
Those simple words were more comforting than Jason would have thought possible. The mere notion that he wasn’t alone was enough to give him some measure of hope, however small. Kale pulled away, and Jason followed, tightening his
grip.
“Jason, the tea is here.” He hadn’t heard anyone enter the room—or exit for that matter. “Do you want it now, or do you want to cry some more?”
“Now.” Jason’s abdomen ached. Physically, he was exhausted, but he wouldn’t be able to quiet his mind long enough to sleep without help.
The tea was warm and sweet. The act of drinking it calmed him. Once it was gone, he settled against Kale, allowing the drug to do its work. There was no reason to cry. Soon he would be in a dreamless sleep. When he woke, he would be able to face the day. He had to be.
Chapter Thirty-Nine
Something niggled at Kale’s mind. It was too dark to see the clock, but he guessed, given the stillness of the house and how much sleep he felt he’d had, that it was three or four o’clock in the morning. He hadn’t wakened naturally. Something had pulled him from sleep. Jason appeared fine, snoring in Kale’s arms. His grip had relaxed around Kale, his posture no longer revealing deep desperation.
Not able to shake the feeling that something was amiss, Kale went downstairs. Everything appeared normal. In the kitchen, he found what he hadn’t even known he was looking for. Sitting at the table was Martin, eating biscuits and drinking a glass of milk with Darlene across from him.
“I found this one wandering around outside. Will you believe he tried to go to bed without eating anything first? I set him straight on how things work around here. City folk always underestimate the value of a full stomach before bed.”
“Martin! When did you get in?” Kale strode to the table, hand outstretched.
Martin stood to shake his hand, but as soon as Martin’s hand was in his, Kale pulled the man into a hug. After a pat on the back, he pulled away and sat, gesturing for Martin to do the same.
“Just a few minutes ago. I called and spoke to a man named John before I boarded the train to let him know when I would arrive. He said someone would be waiting for me.”
“I was going to be up soon to start cooking anyway, so I told John I’d get him settled.”
“Thanks, Darlene. Are you normally up this early?”
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