“With her, Jay, or with me? I don’t think I need an answer, so plea…please, get up.”
Jay hesitated for a second, and then he got up. He couldn’t say anything else to me, and I was so damn tired of the bullshit with men. I was starting to hate them. Why was it so damn hard for me to find a decent man? More so, where was the man who was capable of bringing out the best in me! I was proud of myself for not cussing, fighting, screaming…basically, acting a fool because someone had done me wrong. Walking away made me feel good, and I wasted no time going upstairs, putting on my clothes and getting the hell out of there. Jay knew not to say one word to me, but when I got home, there was a message from him on my voicemail.
“I’m so sorry,” he said, pitifully.
I was sorry, too. Sorry for having to hear those words over and over again. Sorry that I couldn’t figure out why men did the shit they did, and sorry that my experience with Jay would go down as another gotdamn lesson learned. Not only that, but I was going to have to immediately dismiss the next man who told me he was fucking sorry!
That night, I got busy. What had happened with Jay hurt me, but it also inspired me, like I had never been inspired to write before. So much for the red carpet treatment! Respect the pussy, fine, but respect the woman too. Was that so hard to do? I guess so, and for that I take back my A, triple plus and give Jay a big fat B! No, okay…an A, single plus. Double?
This time while writing, I laughed, instead of crying. My pen was moving fast and I was definitely getting it in. My character’s name in my story was Daisha—a name that I thought was pretty cute. I hadn’t written to this extent in a long time, but my enthusiasm was back! A sense of true joy came over me and I vowed to never depart with my notebook again—no matter what!
Chapter Thirty
Over the course of one year, so many things had transpired. Many things were good: I moved into my first home, was saving for the twins’ college education, was close to completing a whole novel and I had a job that I loved. But life brought about the unexpected too. My cousin, Josh, had died in his sleep and the news devastated me. I was saddened that I hadn’t made peace with him, and I vowed to never, again, let another person that I loved leave this earth with bitterness between us.
I had also remained friends with Jay, but eventually, intimacy was left completely off the table. What I appreciated about him the most was he gave me the truth about his relationships with other women, allowing me to decide if I wanted to continue on with a man that I knew would never fully commit to no one. I needed more than a man like Jay in my life, and great sex and being able to grant me multiple orgasms wasn’t enough. I realized that every man who crossed paths with me wasn’t destined to become my husband. Even Dwayne had taught me some valuable lessons; lessons that made me wiser and unable to let a man ever take me to that level again. I needed peace, and my platonic relationship with Jay enabled me to develop a solid and respectful connection with a man I truly considered my first love. At times, he was my inspiration to keep my eyes on the prize, pertaining to business, and he was doing his best to show me the ropes on how I, too, could make money. His confidence and perspective about so many things had rubbed off on me and my vision about what life could be had grown beyond my expectations.
For him, I was the friend to lend an ear to, when he needed someone to talk to. That was quite often, because even though Jay had it together financially, and could offer some of the best advice to benefit others, his life was filled with everlasting drama. Drama, that when combined with mine, could make one hell of a good story. I couldn’t help but think of him, and his business advice, when I received Health Partners of the Midwest Most Valuable Person Award that totally shocked me. Mr. Schnieder watched as they presented the award to me that day, and smiled as I gave my speech commending him for believing in me to begin with and for giving me an opportunity.
Then, less than three months after that, news broke fast: Health Partners was being sold to another insurance company and downsizing happened again! Mr. Schnieder said the final payout would carry us through for about six to eight months and that would be it. I had just about had it with Corporate America, but I’d already had my foot in the door at Cutter & Company in Chesterfield, so I wasn’t too worried. The salary that was offered to me was unbelievable and it didn’t include the commissions or ongoing residual income I’d receive. I had damn sure made a way out of no way, but in no way had I done it alone. So many things had to fall into place, and timing was everything. Only by my Saviors design did He line up the individuals in my life to help me pull this off.
If I planned everything accordingly, within the next year or so, my own business could be well on its way. I worked countless hours, trying to prepare myself for a rewarding life. Even while I was on welfare and would sell stolen clothes for money, I’d visualized what my current life would look like. I was lazy at times, but deep down, I wanted more. It wasn’t until I started trusting and believing that all things were possible that my life took a turn for the better.
As I worked hard on reforming myself, I surrounded myself with people I could learn something from. I was hungry for knowledge, starving for it would be more like it. Many people were encouraging me to someday start my own insurance business, and since I was growing and maintaining Cutter & Company’s million-dollar-plus book of business, starting my own business made sense.
My family, however, wanted me to stay committed to writing! Mama had asked to read some of my writings, but they were so salacious that I didn’t want her to read them.
“It’s too much, Mama. I really don’t know how you’re going to feel about what I be writing.”
“What do you mean by too much?”
“I mean, I kind of talk about sexual stuff and use profanities sometimes. My stories have good messages, though, and I hope people get it.”
“I hope so too, but your stories couldn’t be any worse than those notebooks you used to keep in that closet. I started to throw those damn things away, and you thought you were so slick, trying to hide them from me.”
“Mama!” I shouted. “You read my notebooks? Why didn’t you ever say anything?”
Mama laughed. “There are a lot of things I know, that you don’t think I know, but remember this. I’m your mother. I know you like the back of my hand. You’re very gifted, Brenda, and I’m so glad that you’re on a path to finding out who you really are and what you’re capable of doing.”
Mama always knew the right things to say and when to say them.
As for Jesse, she couldn’t get enough of what I had written and was calling me on a daily basis, asking if I had written more so she could read it.
“This shit is the bomb!” she shouted. “I’ll be over after work to get the rest of those pages. Have them ready!”
My smile was wide, and she could count on it, as I definitely had more pages ready for her to read. Rita hadn’t read any of my writings, but from speaking to Jesse, Rita knew I was on to something.
“My little sister, a writer?” Rita questioned. “Or, are you going to start your own insurance business?”
“I’m going to do both,” I replied with confidence. “The sky is the limit.”
“I heard that. Do your thing, girl. Hampton Insurance Agency does have a ring to it.”
No doubt, it did. Then, there was Jay who I’d let read the first five chapters of my manuscript. I was waiting patiently for his feedback. I had called him several times that day to see what he’d thought, but he promised to get back to me within the hour.
I was in the kitchen washing dishes, while listening to the radio. I snapped my fingers to the beat of Janet Jackson’s music, and after the song ended, the radio host chimed in.…The forecast calls for sunshine in the Show-Me-State and rain, again, for the weekend. So, keep your umbrellas handy, as it looks to be a wet one. In other news, Dwayne Montgomery of the 1100 block of Johanna was arrested this morning for shooting at two police officers…
My heart dropp
ed to my stomach. I turned up the radio to hear what Dwayne had gotten himself into. I sadly shook my head, and all I could do was say another prayer for the man who had taught me one of my biggest lessons about life, as well as relationships. For that, I had no regrets, because I now knew why Dwayne and I had crossed paths. He was an obstacle…one that I had to overcome. I jumped when the phone rang, startled as the blaring sound knocked me out of my thoughts. When I answered, it was Jay.
“I don’t like this,” he said straight to the point and referring to the numerous chapters I’d written about him. “Start over.”
My heart dropped, again, and my feelings were hurt because he didn’t enjoy my story like I thought he would. The only reason his opinion mattered was because I had used him as my main character. My face fell flat and I stuttered, defending my writing. “I…I regret that you didn’t like it, but—”
“I said I didn’t like it. I loved it!” he shouted. “Damn, Brenda, you did your thing, but the reason why I want you to start over is because you…you got me being a little too weak and…nice. That’s not me all the time and I think you know that.”
I laughed. A huge smile was plastered on my face. “I know it’s not, but I tried to be as gentle as possible with your character, because I didn’t want to hurt your feelings.”
“You only hurt my feelings when you don’t tell that shit like it is! I’m a hundred percent satisfied with who I am, and I want my personality to shine on these pages. Put that shit out there, baby. Bring out the real me and don’t hold back. You won’t regret it, and the women will love me, or hate to love me. Trust me on this.”
I hesitated going his route; after all, Jay could be something else! He was too much at times, and putting him out there “as is” would definitely infuriate some readers. Either way, I agreed to it. “I hope I won’t regret it, but I’m going all in. Wish me luck.”
“You got it. I don’t want to read anymore until you’re done. Get busy.”
Jay hung up and I did just that—got busy.
I was on a roll with writing and it was so funny how every person who had been a part of my life served a purpose for what I was creating. I spent the next several months reworking my story, trying to make sense of it. I laughed and cried with my characters. Each of them had traits of me or resembled someone I had met or known. So, hell, yes, I used my own experiences to write, as I believed most writers did. I added a touch of creativeness to the story, and most of all, made Jay out to be the man who he truly was.
As I neared the end, the first person I called was Jesse. She rushed over to get my manuscript and within a few hours she was done reading. I could hear her laughter over the phone.
“Girrrrrrl,” she shouted. “I don’t know how you do it, but you are on to something. What’s next? What are you going to do next?”
“I’m going to keep on writing, and then find me an editor. Then, I’ll do some research on how to publish a book, look for a literary agent and pretty much go from there. Are you sure you liked it, though? You aren’t just saying that because you’re my sister, are you?”
“I have always been honest with you about everything. I’m not lying when I say, This Is It!”
I was smiling so hard. “You think so, huh?”
“Yes! Did you hear what I said…This Is It!”
I nodded and Jesse was so very right. THIS WAS IT! Writing was my calling…
Epilogue
Now at the age of thirty-three, I was in my home office, reviewing insurance quotes and making cold calls to grow my insurance business even more. It was going well, and under my own company, Hampton Insurance Agency, I had brokered insurance deals for over fifty companies throughout the St. Louis Metro area. That didn’t include the hundreds of individual insurance policies I’d sold and I was on a roll! I had plenty of contacts, and during my spare time, I was preparing to write my next book, and then send it to my editor. Two’s Enough Three’s A Crowd (Naughty One) had been out there for three months. I self published it, because I had gotten numerous rejection letters from literary agents. My sales were nothing to brag about, so I started to put together a marketing plan. As I worked on it, I received an instant email on my computer.
Dear Ms. Hampton,
First, let me CONGRATULATE you on a wonderful well put together book, Two's Enough Three's a Crowd. I have recommended this book to over 10 PEOPLE at my job already and we are all loving it! Your characters are so lively and I read your book in a day and a half. I am trying to find out when will the sequel, My Way or No Way, be released? Can I order from you now? If so, is there a physical address so I can order two books and send your payment overnight? As you can see, I am anxious and you are such an inspiration!
P.S. Me and my girlfriends, especially Sabrina, are going crazy trying to find more copies of this book. We lucked up on your website and I hope you get this message! Please help us so we can help Jaylin and Nokea stay together!
Peace & Blessings
Merry Ann Murphy and Sabrina Hubbard
Los Angeles, CA
As I read the first email I’d gotten from a reader, my heart was overwhelmed with joy. I quickly responded and was surprised that my book had made it into the hands of someone all the way in California. Not only that, but I wondered how someone like me was considered an inspiration to others? I bounced my pen against the notepad in front of me, and couldn’t help but think about my past.
The past was exactly what it was—the past. At this point, I hadn’t regretted much about it, and whenever posed with the question about taking back anything that occurred in my life, my answer was absolutely not. My experiences, whether good or bad, I learned valuable lessons. My lessons gave me strength, and they provided me with the confidence I may have never had. Each and every person in my past was there to lift me to a higher calling.
I thought about even in my darkest moments, seconds, days and hours…I was being prepared. Prepared to one day stand before those who bullied me, who made fun of me because my family was poor, who said I wouldn’t amount to anything, who abused me, who had lost faith in me, and to those who claimed so dearly to love me but didn’t. Today, I was the PRODUCT of what many of those people made me. They turned me into a fighter, determined to achieve great things. I was truly grateful for crossing paths. Only by their design, could I provide my testimony through writing.
I took a deep breath and rested back in my chair. More thoughts swam in my head, and I reminisced about the countless times I’d thought about taking my life. What a tragedy and waste of a good life that would have been. All the pain and suffering I’d endured could have ceased sooner, had I paid attention to what God had shown me and what He was trying to tell me. In not doing so, I paid the price. My aspirations were delayed, and two people claiming to love each other, with no direction in life, will make little or no progress. It had taken me a while to realize that, but thankfully, I did.
I sat thinking about how I’d made my transition from a struggling teenage mother, a welfare recipient, a troublemaker, a very confused young woman, and a criminal, to an outstanding mother who was proud of her daughters away at college, an entrepreneur with a sharp business mind, a woman who could afford to pay for what she wanted and a true believer in God. At least by the age of thirty, a broader vision of my life started to come together for me. I knew my purpose, and all I had to do was figure out how to drive it to the next level. The possibilities were endless, and whenever one door closed, I got hyped. Hyped because I knew another door would open soon.
For now, I thought, while clinching my hands in front of me, my storm had settled. I knew it would soon rage, again, because that’s just how life was. I wasn’t exempt from trials and tribulations. There would always be setbacks that were setups for changes to come. However, this time, I’d be ready, because, over the years, I was being prepared for this thing called life. Faith was my back-up plan, and with it I’d be promoted to what was to come next. I was glad that I hadn’t accepted what society h
ad said about me. And believe it or not, a teenage mother can amount to something. I was living proof that she could be whatever her heart desired, and a person without a college degree can be successful as well. Success wasn’t determined by the house I lived in, not by the amount of money I had, nor by the kind of car that I drove. For me, it was determined by the struggles and obstacles for which I’ve had to overcome to get to where I was today. I was successful even when I didn’t have a dime in my pocket, but I had the determination to put one there. My struggles continue, and for each and every time I overcome, I become more successful by the day. More than anything, I’ve put myself in a position to be a possible inspiration to others, and that defined true success for me.
As I continued to gather my thoughts, I’d have to admit that growing up was tougher than what I had revealed. Often, I was upset by the way my mother had raised me. Because of her upbringing, she rarely showed her emotions and had neglected to share important things with her children such as: periods, sex, education…and most importantly, love. It wasn’t until I became an adult that I realized she expressed her love by providing for her family, protecting her family and through exemplifying independence. My sisters and I took those values in which Mom taught us and applied them to our everyday lives. In addition, the things in which my mother failed to share, we broke the cycle and took the initiative to share the realities of life with our children. Because of our willingness to change the past, the bond in which we all share as a family can now be passed down to generations to come. Mama would want it to be that way and so would my father.
I lifted a picture of Mama and held it in my hand. I was visiting her one day at home with the twins and we’d finally had our discussion about men. She told me that men were always going to do the things that men do, and there was no need in me wasting my time trying to figure them out. “Continue to see about your children,” she said. “And God will take you a long, long way.” That was the best advice she could have given me. We continued to talk further and she said that my grandmother always told her, I’d be “the one.” Basically, being considered the Black Sheep of the family would turn in my favor. When I asked what she meant, all she would say was, “You’ll see. In due time, you will see.” Later on in life, I realized what Mama meant. She was called home, leaving behind a legacy to be proud of. I never did get her that car she wanted, but I knew she was riding high in heaven, especially after seeing her daughter become all that she hoped I would be. Mama fulfilled her purpose in life, and even though I used to ask the Lord…Why? Why did You take my mother? I now know why. I often see and speak to Mama in my dreams and her answer to me is always the same…For 65 years, I walked In My Shoes. There were good days, as well as bad days. Days that I’m proud of and some days that I’m not. Situations that I wish I could take back, but I’ve accepted with little or no regrets. Still, nobody has walked in my shoes better than me, and now, my dear Daughter, you must continue to hold your head up high and faithfully walk in yours.
In My Shoes Page 29