by A. E. Wasp
“You’d love it. The ocean by Cancun is the most amazing shade of blue.”
“I’ve never seen the ocean,” Dakota said, his voice flat. “I’ve never been anywhere.”
Bryce scratched his fingers through Dakota curls, pulling them and letting them bounce back. “I’ve been to so many amazing places.”
“Yeah. I know.” Dakota yanked his head away with frown.
Bryce didn’t let him go, pulling him back against his side. “No, let me finish. All these places were amazing, but I was always kind of sad. I’ve never been with somebody I—someone who is special to me.”
“What about with Nikki?”
“Except for our honeymoon, I never went anyplace romantic alone with Nikki,” he confessed. “Even the honeymoon was awkward.”
Dakota turned on his side and slid his leg over Bryce’s leg.
Bryce liked that Dakota was tall enough to press against almost the whole length of his body. It felt safe.
“How? Were you a virgin?” Dakota asked lightly.
Bryce brushed off the joking tone in his voice and answered seriously. “No. Worse. All the things that were supposed to be romantic? I just wasn’t feeling it. I didn’t feel lost in her eyes in the candlelight or anything. I didn’t want to spend hours in bed.”
He ran his hand up and down Dakota’s arm, enjoying the soft tickle of his hair and the firmness of the muscle. “I convinced myself that nobody felt that way, that everyone was faking it because that’s how we were told it’s supposed to feel when you’re in love.”
“And now?” Dakota tensed in his arms.
Bryce pushed up and rolled until he hovered over Dakota, looking him right in his eyes. Dakota was going to listen to him whether he wanted to or not.
“Now, I want to take you down to Mexico and get a cabana on a private beach, one with a giant bed and an outdoor shower. Then I’d drag you inside and not come out for two weeks. I want people to bring us coconuts and fresh fish and tequila and leave it at our door.”
Dakota stared back at him, hands on Bryce’s hips. His fingers adding more bruises to the marks he’d already left on Bryce’s skin. “You could do that, couldn’t you?”
“In a heartbeat.” And he wanted to, so badly. Badly enough to give up hockey? If he only had himself to worry about? In a heartbeat.
Dakota put his hands on Bryce’s chest, not quite pushing him off, but keeping him away. “What’s it like having so much money you can do anything you want?”
“It doesn’t suck.” He couldn’t lie. Money couldn’t buy everything, but it gave you a lot more options in life.
Bryce crawled awkwardly off Dakota. Wrapping a blanket around himself, he sat against the wall of the van.
Dakota seemed lost in thought as he pulled his blankets up and punched his pillow. Bryce wished he could see Dakota’s face better, but the flickering shadows made it impossible to read his expression.
“Tell me your wildest dream. What would you do if money wasn’t an issue?” Bryce asked. “If you didn’t have to worry about the farm.”
Dakota was quiet for so long, Bryce assumed he had fallen asleep again. He was halfway to sleep sitting up when Dakota answered.
“I have no idea,” Dakota said softly.
Whatever is was, Bryce promised himself, he would do everything to make it happen. Sleep tugged him back down to the floor of the van. “You’ll think of something.”
He felt Dakota straighten the blankets and curl up behind him. “I will.” Dakota kissed the back of his neck. “How do you know I don’t like you just for your money?”
“You love me for my body,” Bryce replied. “And you can have that anytime.”
Dakota’s fingers running through his hair lulled Bryce back to sleep.
Chapter Thirty-Three
BRYCE
Friday morning was a drawn out, casual affair. People woke up and ate as they wished, digging through leftovers for breakfast. One brave soul stood at the stove for a half an hour making pancakes for whomever wanted them.
Dakota’s friends and Bryce’s family treated both houses as if they were one and the same, going back and forth between them in search of food or friends or a quiet space to sit.
Somehow, Dakota managed to avoid being alone with Bryce all day. Not that it had been difficult to do with them each playing host to their guests.
Bryce felt like he had at his wedding, when he’d spent more time chatting with near strangers than he had with his new bride.
When he did manage to catch Dakota’s eyes as their paths crossed throughout the day, Dakota stared at Bryce as if he might never get the chance again.
Bryce couldn’t put the night out of his mind. It had been everything he’d always thought love was supposed to be. If what he felt for Dakota wasn’t love, then nothing was.
So what did that mean for the future? His thoughts whirled around his brain, caught in a loop of options, each with its own unacceptable price. No matter what he chose from this point on, he was going to lose something important.
He’d promised Dakota a decision by Saturday. It wasn’t fair to either of them to put it off longer. It was no use, the decision was too big, and Bryce couldn’t make it by himself. He needed someone to talk to.
But who? He wasn’t used to talking to anyone about his personal problems. And as far as retiring was concerned, who could he trust to give him an unbiased opinion?
The guys needed him on the team. He’d been watching this season and supporting them as best he could over text and phone calls, but it wasn’t the same as being in the locker room, on the road, and on the ice with them. Their performance was lacking some spark.
Bryce couldn’t help but feel his indecision was part of the reason. Jake would be a great team captain, but with Bryce set to return at any time, he couldn’t fully settle into the role.
His brother and sisters had valid reasons for needing him to keep working.
Keith had an opportunity to get in on the ground floor of the expansion of the gym he worked at. The current owners wanted Keith to come on as a partner. Julie had given her stamp of approval on the business plan, but it involved a cash investment from Keith and some endorsements from Bryce, the details of which had yet to be worked out.
Amy had announced she was pregnant again, to everyone’s pleasure, especially Atticus, who was thrilled he wouldn’t be the youngest anymore.
It was obvious they were going to need a bigger house, and Amy was talking about finally quitting work, between the new baby, Atticus’ need for more attention, and Ophelia’s increasingly demanding soccer schedule.
Chewing thoughtfully on a turkey and cranberry sauce sandwich Dustin had handed him, unasked, as he’d passed through the kitchen, Bryce followed the sounds of televised cheering into the great room.
There was a videogame tournament happening in the room. Scarily-accurate animated versions of the Thunder faced off against the Penguins on the big TV. Their virtual bodies slammed into each other as Jake and Joshua battled Robbie and Ophelia for victory.
Jake played himself, as usual. Ophelia played as Bryce. The gesture was oddly touching, but watching his animated body on screen always felt weird to Bryce.
“Fuck yeah!” Ophelia yelled as her avatar slammed a puck past the Penguins’ Marc Fleury and deep in the back of the net.
“Ophelia!” Bryce said in mock astonishment.
“Shit.” She jumped up, dropping the remote, and on screen, Joshua took advantage of virtual Bryce’s inattention and took the face-off. “Don’t tell mom,” Ophelia begged.
“I would never,” Bryce promised. “But try not to encourage Jake, he already has a potty mouth.”
Jake reached over the back of the couch and quickly gave Bryce the finger.
“Oh, come on, Kessel!” Joshua yelled at the screen. “Stop passing the puck to Crosby. He’s got two guys on him!”
“As usual,” Robbie said, twisting his arms around with the remote as if he could make the
puck go where he wanted by force of will.
Nikki walked into the room, looking relaxed in casual clothes. “Hey guys, we don’t have to leave until tomorrow morning right?”
“Right,” Jake answered without taking his eyes off the screen. “It’s a fricken Thanksgiving miracle.”
“Anyone want to go to an ECHL hockey game tonight?”
Ophelia and Joshua shouted yes. “Why not?” Robbie asked. “Could be fun.”
“You and Dakota in?” Nikki asked Bryce with a soft smile.
“I can’t answer for Dakota, but I’m in.” Bryce realized as he spoke that Nikki would be the perfect person to talk to.
No one knew him better, and she had no financial investment in his career anymore. They’d settled everything amicably in the divorce, and she had her own career as a successful fundraiser for some of the larger non-profits.
“Hey, Nik. Can I talk to you about some things?”
“Of course.” She stepped in closer to him. “Is everything okay?” she asked quietly.
“Everything’s fine. I just need to figure some things out, and I’m having trouble doing it on my own.”
She crossed her arms and shook her head. “I never thought I’d hear those words coming from your mouth.”
“What do you mean?”
“Come on.” She led him out of the room with a hand on his arm.
Chapter Thirty-Four
BRYCE
They ended up sitting in a sunny corner of the porch. Lu saw him and ran up the stairs to lie next to him on the love seat.
“So what do you mean you never expected to hear me say that?” he asked, lifting his arm so Lu could lay her head in his lap.
“You have a habit of making all your decisions alone,” she answered. “Even ones that should have other people’s input.”
Like the move to Arizona that had precipitated the divorce, though Nikki was nice enough to not bring it up. That was an old fight.
“You’re right,” Bryce said. Her eyebrows rose up, and Bryce knew he’d surprised her again. “And I’m trying to change. I know I wasn’t always the best partner for you. And I’m sorry.”
He’d said it a thousand times before, but after having caught a glimpse of how a relationship could be, should be, he understood exactly what he had cheated Nikki out of.
“I know you are.” Her expression said she’d heard him the first thousand times.
He took her hand in both of his. “No. Nikki. I am really sorry. I didn’t know. Before. I didn’t know what you were talking about.”
“And now you do.” Her expression didn’t give anything away, but she kept her hand in his.
This wasn’t what he had planned on talking to her about, but it was never going to be easier to say. It’s funny, but he’d always thought of ‘coming out’ as something a person did once and it was over. He was beginning to see that he was going to have to it over and over again.
“Yeah. I think I do.” Why couldn’t he just say the words?
Nikki looked around the porch as she searched for the right question to ask. “And does this new knowledge have anything to do with a certain handsome farmer?”
Unexpected tears sprung to his eyes. He looked up at the ceiling in an attempt to keep them from falling.
“I thought it might.”
“I’m so sorry,” he said to the ceiling.
The vinyl chair cushion squeaked as Nikki leaned forward. She laid her hand over his and squeezed. “It’s okay.”
He couldn’t get any words past his suddenly tight throat, so he just shook his head. It wasn’t okay. He loved Nikki, and the thought that he had hurt her gutted him.
“Hey, Bryce. Look at me.” She leaned forward, resting her elbows on his knees. “Come on, big guy. It’s okay. Look at me.”
Closing his eyes, he tilted his head down. The tears he had been trying to hold back, slipped out from under his eyelids.
“Oh, baby,” Nikki said softly. “It’s okay. It’s going to be okay.”
To Bryce’s mortification, a sob broke free from his throat. Before he could stop himself, he was sobbing like his heart was breaking. He hadn’t cried this hard when his marriage ended.
“Oh, babe.” Nikki quickly stood up, pushed Lu off the loveseat, and sat down next to Bryce. She drew him down to her, and he shifted until he could bury his head against her shoulder.
She held him, making soothing sounds and rubbing his back as a lifetime of repressed emotions poured out of him. He hadn’t known he could feel anything this deeply.
It was as if he had lived his life up until that moment with a banked heart. Now Dakota had stirred the embers into life and, oh, how it burned.
He cried for himself, for the love he might have had if he’d only allowed himself to see the truth. He cried for Nikki and the tireless way she had worked to save a relationship that had been doomed from the start.
He cried for the newness of it all, and for the way fate had brought him to Dakota and things he hadn’t even known he wanted and now knew he couldn’t live without.
Eventually, he cried himself out until he felt hollow. He hugged Nikki tightly, then sat up, wiping his face with the hem of his shirt.
“Better?” Nikki asked.
Bryce gave a shaky laugh. “Yeah. Kind of. I’m sorry.”
“Stop apologizing.” She shoved him gently. “But just to be one hundred perfect clear, that was your drama queen way of telling me you’ve finally realized you’re gay and that you’re in love with Dakota?”
Bryce sighed. “Yes. I guess you were right.”
“I usually am.”
That was actually true. Nikki was scary smart and observant. She could size up most people at a glance. He should have trusted her judgment.
“I never meant to hurt you,” he said.
“I know.” She sighed and leaned her head back against the couch. “I could seriously use a drink right now though.”
“Me, too.” He pulled his phone from his pocket. “Hold on.” He texted Jake. I’ll buy you a pony if you bring Nikki and me out two of whatever alcohol you can get your hands on and don’t ask any questions.
More yelling and groaning came from inside the house. A few seconds later his phone vibrated.
Intriguing but you got a deal.
They sat in silence while they waited for Jake. Lu whined and, one paw at a time, snuck back onto the couch, wedging herself between Nikki and Bryce.
Nikki winced as Lu’s whip-thin tail smacked against her thigh. “This dog is madly in love with you.”
“And I love her, too. Isn’t that right, Lucy-girl?” he said in a high-pitched voice as he rubbed behind her ears.
“Get a room,” Jake said, rounding the corner. He carried three glasses of whiskey on the rocks.
“Eww,” Nikki exclaimed, slapping him on the leg when he got close enough to reach.
Jake settled himself on the edge of the chair Nikki had vacated and handed a glass to each of them.
Bryce took a long sip, the whiskey warming a path down his throat. Perfect.
“So what are you kids talking about?” he asked.
“How much your drop pass sucks,” Nikki said.
“No questions,” Bryce reminded him.
“Fine. I’m just your oldest friend. It’s okay.” He held up his glass. “To old friends.”
“To old friends.”
“So?” Jake asked.
Bryce knew Jake wouldn’t leave it alone. He probably looked like he’d been crying, and Jake had known Bryce and Nikki long enough to know all their history.
He might as well get Jake’s opinion on what he had intended to talk to Nikki about. Jake had been playing almost as long as Bryce. He must have thought about retirement at some point.
“Fine.” Bryce took another sip and stood up. Shoving his hands in his pocket, he leaned against a porch support beam. “I’m thinking of retiring.”
Neither one of them so much as blinked. The silence stretched as
they kept looking at him.
Finally, Jake said, “And?”
Bryce pushed himself off the post and paced in a small circle. “And it’s a big deal. They’re offering me a lot of money to stay with the Thunder for three more years.”
Jake and Nikki exchanged glances. “How long have you been thinking about it?” Jake asked. “Is this a recent thing?”
“No. I’ve been thinking about it for a while. The injury and all this, just adds to it. I’m tired, you know?”
Jake snorted a laugh. “I hear that. Sometimes the thought of getting checked into the boards one more time makes it hard to get out of bed.”
“And there are other considerations, now, too, right?” Nikki asked carefully.
Bryce waved at her, “You can say it. It’s okay.” No point in trying to hide it anymore.
Jake looked between them. “What’s he mean?”
Nikki smiled. “He means you owe me fifty bucks.”
Jake groan. “No way, man.” He dug his wallet out of his pocket, pulled out some bills, and handed them to Nikki. “You and the farmer?”
“Yeah.” Bryce tensed for Jake’s reaction. “You bet on me being gay?”
“No, Nikki and I had a bet on if you were sleeping with the guy already or not.” Jake grinned ear to ear. “I should have trusted her judgment that you were a horndog and wouldn’t be able to wait very long.”
Bryce blushed. What would they think if they knew how little time he actually had waited?
“Got to admit, I didn’t see this coming.” Jake shook his head. “I thought for sure the first guy you hooked up with would be that ref from Edmonton.”
Nikki nodded in agreement. “Me, too.”
“What?” Bryce was flabbergasted. It really was the only word that fit.
Jake rolled his eyes. “Come on, you couldn’t stop staring at him. I swear you started at least one fight just so he would pull you off.”
Nikki snorted into her whiskey and tried to cover it with a fake cough.
“You both suck, and I hate you.” Bryce sipped the rest of his drink and tried once again to make some sense out of his entire life. Apparently, the story he’d been telling himself about who he was and where he fit in the world had been limited, at best.