by Maya Rodale
Where is Christian Grey?
Women are well aware that Christian Grey and other heroes like him are fantasy. We know this because we live in the world.
“It’s no coincidence that Christian Grey, billionaire, arrived in the midst of a recession that was often referred to as a ‘he-cession’ because men were losing their jobs, leaving a growing number of women as primary breadwinners,” bestselling romance author and advocate for the genre Sarah MacLean tells the New York Times.[133] “All this, and women are still doing the lion’s share of household work, child rearing, cooking, etc. Essentially, we live in a time when women aren’t only feeling responsible for making a home, they’re feeling responsible for keeping the house standing.”
In her book The End of Men: And the Rise of Women, Hanna Rosin, a writer for The Atlantic and Slate.com who frequently focuses on women’s issues, details how middle-class women are going to college in record numbers, entering the workforce in droves, and focusing more on advancing their careers than maintaining a relationship while the men in their life...don’t.
As the economy shifts from one that values brain over brawn, many men, particularly without college degrees, are left out of work as traditional jobs that would have supported a middle-class lifestyle, such as a factory worker, disappear. And sadly, some of these guys are not qualified—or willing to become qualified—for the new jobs emerging.
“Probably no one has had their wife move up the ladder as far as I’ve moved down,” one man tells Rosin. His wife’s philosophy to setbacks is to “build a bridge and get over it.” Moving forward seems to be easier for many of the women in the couples Rosin shadows who are doing whatever it takes to advance their careers and support their families than it is for the men who seem more content to get by than get ahead.
One of the main tips Sandberg provides in Lean In is to make your partner a true partner. “I don’t know of one woman in a leadership position whose life partner is not fully—and I mean fully—supportive of her career. No exceptions.” Sandberg encourages women to date all kinds of men, but to marry only someone “who thinks women should be smart, opinionated, and ambitious. Someone who values fairness and expects or even better wants to do his share in the home.”
To be fair, men haven’t necessarily been set up to succeed at this. “Unfortunately, traditional gender roles are reinforced not just by individuals, but also by employment policies,” Sandberg writes. Things like a lack of paternity leave policies make it hard for men to participate at home even if they want to. But it’s something that’s changing. “Men in younger generations appear more eager to be real partners than men in previous generations.”[134]
Until then, it’s easy to see how a confident, capable man who carries his own weight is appealing to women balancing some combination of job, kids, and husband. It’s even easier to see how it appeals to women who are getting by on their own. For many women today, there just aren’t men at the same level of education. “As the women of this second group slowly improve their lot, they raise the bar for what they want out of a marriage...but the men of their class are failing to meet their standards,” Rosin writes.
Guess who doesn’t lag behind?
“Christian takes control of everything for Ana: finances, career, food, sexual pleasure,” author MacLean says. “Anyone who can’t see the value in that fantasy is deliberately looking the other way.”
Lie back and don’t think at all
It is impossible to have a conversation about 50 Shades of Grey without talking about sex.
Beyond the shock and horror that women are interested in sex, especially women of a certain age (that is, not nubile teens, hence the squicky phrases “mommy porn” and “mommy’s naughty e-reader”), everyone became shocked and horrified by the kind of sex women were apparently interested in.
Though E. L. James has drawn criticism for her inaccurate portrayal of the BDSM lifestyle, her series did bring the idea of being tied up, spanked, and dominated into the mainstream. Sales of sex toys have skyrocketed.[135] It also made people wonder if feminism had died and if women truly wanted to be bossed around and dominated.
To the contrary, the fantasy of submission can be directly related to having power. “Many people in positions of authority and power are drawn to BDSM, often as subs,” write the authors of the book A Billion Wicked Thoughts: What the Internet Tells Us About Sexual Relationships, which draws on the unbiased data provided by Internet searches on pornography and romance novels to paint a picture of what turns people on. In fact, when inquiring about the paying members to a website devoted to BDSM, the owner says, “We’ve got bankers, stockbrokers, Ivy League deans, CEOs. People who have a lot of responsibility in real life, and who want to get away from the burden of being in charge.”[136]
It’s also interesting to consider this in light of the long history of sex advice for women.
In the Victorian era, proper women were told to “close their eyes and think of England” when they heard their husband’s steps outside their door (or so the story goes). This sex was purely for procreation—female consent or pleasure wasn’t considered. Talk about being submissive.
But as Western culture became increasingly permissive with regard to having and discussing sex, the advice began to change and the majority of it often focused on how to please a man in bed. For example, in the 1970s, Cosmopolitan magazine ran articles on “Things to do with your hands that men like,” or “How to turn a man on when he’s having problems in bed” and quizzes asking “Are you a good lover?” In 2003, they ran a story “99 Ways to Touch Him: These Fresh, Frisky Tips Will Thrill Every Inch of Your Guy.” The focus wasn’t so much on her pleasure, unless it pleased her to get him off. And thus pleasing a man in bed became another skill women had to develop and add to her resume.
Even as magazines began to focus on women’s pleasure, the advice was stuff she should do: which sex positions to try (usually the ones that put her in control) or how to masturbate so she knows what to tell her man to do. This modern woman now has to be responsible for the presentation at work, getting the laundry done, and her own orgasm, too? Sorry, self, not tonight. I’m exhausted.
In 50 Shades of Grey, Anastasia needs only to lie back and enjoy it. And enjoy it she does. Christian spends more time focused on her experience and her pleasure than anything else. This is largely true of many sex scenes in romance novels that portray countless heroes “lavishing attention” on all parts of the heroine’s body. The intense focus on female pleasure is what sets them apart from other portrayals of sex.
Anastasia also doesn’t have to worry about touching him the right way or 99 different ways because she’s tied up. And what really gets him off is not some acrobatic kinky sex move on her part, but seeing her enjoyment and pleasure. She only needs to lie there and feel beautiful and cherished and know that every damn thing is taken care of, right down to her multiple orgasms. That is the fantasy.
Better together
Instead of being opposed to each other, Lean In and 50 Shades of Grey perfectly complement each other. “Sheryl Sandberg speaks to me as my public sphere persona and how I come into my own in the public sphere,” explains Maddie Caldwell, the leader of a romance book club. “And romance novels speak to my personal sphere and how I come into my own as a woman in my own mind.”
Somewhere, in the process of trying to have it all or at least holding all their shit together, women don’t want to lose themselves. There is a risk of doing just that, of burning out. In a New York Times article titled “Madame C.E.O., Get Me Coffee”, Sheryl Sandberg and Adam Grant wrote: “In their quest to care for others, women often sacrifice themselves. For every 1,000 people at work, 80 more women than men burn out—in large part because they fail to secure their own oxygen masks before assisting others.”[137]
And what do many women do when they’re emotionally exhausted? For many, the answer is to read a romance novel. In her book, Reading the Romance: Women, Patriarchy, and Popular
Romance, Janice Radway reports that “it is the constant impulse and duty to mother others that is responsible for the depletion that apparently sends some women to romantic fiction.” There is something relaxing about “identifying with a heroine whose principal accomplishment...is her success...at establishing herself as the object of his concern and the recipient of his care.” While I think that is a rather dim and narrow view on all the romance heroines, I think it does fit for Anastasia Steele. She may not be the role model of our day-to-day lives, but that’s not her job. She is the fantasy for the exhausted, empowered woman.
“We are never at fifty-fifty at any given moment,” Sandberg writes. “Perfect equality is hard to define or sustain—but we allow the pendulum to swing back and forth between us.” Likewise, for so many women, the pendulum shifts from Lean In during the day to the fantasy of 50 Shades of Grey at night.
BECAUSE SHE’S WORTH IT
HOW THE ROMANCE NOVEL HEROINE IS UNLIKE OTHER MASS-MEDIA PORTRAYALS OF WOMEN
Much has been said on the matter of how to be a girl and how to be a woman, from eighteenth century conduct books to glossy magazines today. Much of it has not been said by women. The exception is romance novels.
As much as romance novels are stories of two people overcoming obstacles and falling in love, they’re really about the heroine. Her thoughts. Her feelings. Her desires. Her experiences. They are also largely unmediated by men. There are no advertisers requesting editorial changes so the book can better sell deodorant. The female author is writing for a female audience; while there are male authors and readers, the genre isn’t trying to appeal to them.
These books are a conversation between women. And a different picture of femininity emerges than from what is traditionally portrayed in other mass media, such as magazines, movies, or television shows. The organization Miss Representation recently researched and discovered that only 29 percent of top speaking roles in Hollywood films are women.[138] Less than a quarter of films feature a female protagonist and even fewer feature leads that are women of color.[139] In television, women have 43 percent of speaking roles—but they were much younger than their male acting counterparts.[140]
If a woman wants to see a story about a woman—let alone nuanced portrayals of stories about women of different ages, skin colors, social classes, interests, etc.—she’d best stay home, turn off the TV, and pick up a romance novel.
What is especially powerful about the romance heroine is that there are so damn many of them—there is a trope or type for everyone. The genre still has a long way to go in featuring diverse characters in terms of race, culture, gender orientation, or sexual preferences, but it’s uniquely positioned to create and popularize different, nuanced, “risky,” and interesting portrayals of female characters.
Easy, breezy, beautiful
“Look at you. And look at me. We do not belong together.”
The thing was, he had looked at her and they saw vastly different things. He saw a pretty girl; she saw a plain one.
—The Wicked Wallflower by Maya Rodale
One way that romance novels succeed in their varied portrayals of women is by allowing them to be complicated in a world that adores the Cool Girl. This archetype is best described by Amy Dunne, the main character in Gillian Flynn’s massive bestseller, Gone Girl:
Men always say that as the defining compliment, don’t they? She’s a cool girl. Being the Cool Girl means I am a hot, brilliant, funny woman who adores football, poker, dirty jokes, and burping, who plays video games, drinks cheap beer, loves threesomes and anal sex, and jams hot dogs and hamburgers into her mouth like she’s hosting the world’s biggest culinary gang bang while somehow maintaining a size 2, because Cool Girls are above all hot. Hot and understanding. Cool Girls never get angry; they only smile in a chagrined, loving manner and let their men do whatever they want. Go ahead, shit on me, I don’t mind, I’m the Cool Girl.[141]
It should be noted that Amy goes fucking crazy after trying to maintain the charade of Cool Girl, which entails subverting her own interests and desires to please a guy. In contrast, in Bridget Jones’ Diary, Mark Darcy famously declares, “I like you just the way you are.” Which is to say not a cool girl at all. The journey in a romance is often a heroine learning not to be the cool girl. It is a journey of self-acceptance, determining her likes and dislikes, vocalizing them, and finding someone who is okay with her, just as she is.
The romance novel heroine is allowed to be something other than “easy and breezy” or “the Cool Girl” or “the hot girlfriend.” But what does the genre have to say on female beauty?
It is fair to point out that romance heroines are held to unrealistic standards of perfection, especially in the Old Skool romances. For example: elegantly arched eyebrows created without tweezers; a waist so narrow the hero can wrap his hands around it; long, thick wavy hair that is never frizzy; violet eyes before the invention of contact lenses; and occasionally the friendship of talking woodland creatures.
But the genre has also seen the massive of success of the delightfully “imperfect” heroine who is not “conventionally” pretty or a size 2. Some examples might be Good in Bed by Jennifer Weiner, Bridget Jones Diary by Helen Fielding, or Romancing Mr. Bridgerton by Julia Quinn.
While survey respondents didn’t rank beauty as a very important quality in a heroine—only 6 percent said they preferred heroines to be beautiful—it does matter what the authors say about it.
In the documentary Love Between the Covers, bestselling author Beverly Jenkins notes that African American romance was the first time many black women were told they were beautiful. Mass media tends to have a very narrow portrayal of beauty, and it can leave many women feeling like they don’t measure up.
If beauty doesn’t matter to romance readers, what does? Intelligence. Ninety percent of respondents said a heroine should be intelligent—more than kindness (42 percent), and far more than beauty (6 percent). We’re more interested in how a heroine thinks.
“They don’t have to be educated but they have to be smart,” says reader Rita. Indeed, many readers agreed that it was more important that a heroine be intelligent than be educated (23 percent rated this as important). This could be a nod toward accuracy in historical romance, when most women didn’t have many opportunities (or any) for higher education and there were only so many enlightened male relatives who thought a woman should have a proper education (and almost all of them are found in romance novels). It could also be a nod to the diversity of character experiences that romance readers like to see—we may want to read about smart people, but we don’t necessarily want every character to be a college student or have a PhD.
While mass media can give the impression that women care only about finding a signature scent or deciphering what his text means, most women want a little more. Many readers wrote about their preferences for heroines that do something, other than wait around for the hero to show up and seduce her. “I also like heroines who are good at something, whether they are just smart or whether they are talented in some fashion,” says Kim, a reader. Another reader surveyed said she loved to read about heroines with a specific talent, like “writing, art, music, athletics, detective work, etc.” Some are more specific: “Geekiness! I love scientists and writers as heroines,” says a reader named Samantha.
It almost doesn’t even matter what the interest is, so long as it’s not just the hero or getting married. “I like to see a heroine who has a strong sense of who she is inside and outside of the relationship,” says Julia, a reader. “I want to believe that if something happened to the hero, the heroine would be able to handle herself.”
Even if she is not going to be a genius or highly educated or exceptionally talented, she should still be smart. In the reader survey, many wrote in a preference that a romance heroine ought to have common sense and be pragmatic, competent, perceptive, and understanding. Readers wanted to see that she could “think things through before acting” or that she was “someo
ne who can think on her feet.” Another added “someone who does not put herself in dangerous or ridiculous situations for the sake of plot points.”
Above all, she should not be afflicted with a condition known as Too Stupid to Live (TSTL), which is defined by the blog Heroes and Heartbreakers as “the unfortunate sort of hero or heroine who repeatedly makes irrational, inexplicable, and just plain dangerous decisions that invariably land them in trouble—a technique often used by substandard writers to create conflict or a romantic rescue situation.”
What do all these things have in common? They speak to a desire to read about heroines who have interests other than guys and getting married (making them multidimensional and like real women), which is notable considering that one of the main feminist critiques of the romance genre is that the books celebrate and encourage the pursuit of a man and happiness isn’t attained until the heroine has his ring on her finger and his baby in her belly. Readers also want their heroines to care about much more than their looks, which is remarkable in light of so many women’s magazines and TV shows that emphasize a woman’s appearance. If she’s going to play the role of Cool Girl, it will only be for a few chapters before she ditches it to redefine Cool Girl as one who feels good in her own skin.
This is not to say there aren’t a ton of conventionally beautiful heroines out there and readers that enjoy reading about them (we deal with frizzy hair and such enough in real life, thanks). But these readers’ preferences and the genre that delivers them in spades stands in stark contrast to a culture that puts such an emphasis on women’s looks that we discuss the attire and hairstyle of women running for president.