I wasn’t most anyone.
In fact, most days I felt I was the only one of my kind on the entire planet.
I hadn’t been on a motorcycle, dirt bike, jet ski, hell, not even a moped since that day with Matt.
Basically, anything with a motor besides a car, anything that went fast, I disavowed.
How could I? How could I get on something like that and not be totally transported back to the day I’d lost Matt?
It seemed ironic I was still in the racing business. Especially given my aversion to speed and actual racing. But I didn’t race. Not anymore. I managed, I instructed, and I gave tips.
I tried to make my drivers safe and prepared so maybe, just maybe, something like what happened to Matt didn’t happen to anyone else.
Because honestly? I wouldn’t wish that shit on anyone. Not even my worst enemy.
Death is more than a punishment. It’s more than revenge.
It’s permanent.
It’s unforgiving.
It was now my fear.
I wasn’t afraid of dying. In fact, there were lots of times I sort of wished for it. Why wouldn’t I? I could be with Matt again. The fear I had about death was someone else close to me would be taken.
That’s why I was alone.
Death couldn’t rip my life apart again if there was no one I cared about to be taken from me.
Are you thinking, Well then, why would he be afraid to get on the snowmobile?
Two reasons:
1.) Those snowmobiles were a stark reminder of what I lost, something that cut me so deep I hadn’t been on anything like a Ducati since.
And
2.) Arrow was getting on one.
What was even worse?
The second reason was outweighing the first. My God, he wasn’t anything to me. He was an acquaintance. A work assignment.
He liked pancakes, drank his coffee the same way I did, and had never once looked at me with an ounce of pity or judgement in his eyes.
Arrow wasn’t anything to me—except the potential to be everything.
So here I stood in the center of a snowy driveway, in front of a machine I knew was powerful enough to steal everything away.
A cold sweat beaded between my shoulder blades and beneath the beanie I wore, right at my hairline. I was thankful for the sunglasses wrapped over my eyes because I was worried they would show my panic.
I couldn’t exactly get out of this. Not without looking like a giant pussy.
Yeah, sorry, I can’t ride this, uh, sweet snowmobile because, well, my boyfriend died in a crash. I gave up my entire life and basically became a hermit… And, well, if I drive this today, I may have a massive panic attack.
Dude, no.
Just no.
No one knew about my past. Except Joey and Gamble. I put it behind me because reminders made it worse. Because seeing the pity deep in someone’s eyes every single time they looked at me was unbearable.
“What’s better than freshly fallen snow? Tearing it up with a speed machine!” Drew said, gazing out over his toys.
“Hells yeah.” Trent agreed.
We were on their family compound, which consisted of a giant-ass house and then a more manageable-size house where they lived, along with their giant garage filled with toys. It was a sweet setup. Maybe something like I’d always wanted to have one day.
Until my life shattered into a million pieces.
“These are sweet,” Arrow said, stepping up to one and grabbing the handle. My stomach revolted, and I turned away, pretending I was checking out the view.
“We got four because we figured our brothers would want to tear it up with us sometimes, too. But they’re busy today.” Drew went on.
“Diaper duty, ya know.” Trent supplied.
“So we thought we’d come get you, A, because you know these beasts gotta be driven so the batteries don’t sit and die.” Drew finished.
“Thanks for thinking of me,” Arrow said. I didn’t know if anyone else heard it in his voice, the sincerity, the shy surprise someone thought of him.
Sweat ran down my spine. My knees felt like Jell-O.
“Lucky for us Hopper was there. Now we have a fourth driver.”
“Let me just grab all the keys and we’ll head out,” Drew announced. He and Trent went into the garage.
I took a deep breath of the crisp air, hoping it would shock my lungs into working properly again.
A hand settled on my shoulder, and I tensed, swinging sideways. Arrow’s hand slid off with my movement. His brown eyes studied me, looked into me. “This is no good for you.”
So perceptive. Almost scarily so.
It was proof—irrefutable proof—that he got me just like I did him.
I swallowed. “I’m not sure I can get on that.” I tossed a look toward the toy.
“Let’s go, then.”
I blinked. It took a second for my brain to process his offer. “You would do that?”
“Without a second thought,” he replied instantly. “I can feel how tense you are. How freaked out. We’ll leave, find something else to do.”
Oh shit. He was offering to give something up for me. Offering to be there for me.
“Why?” I said abruptly. So abrupt it sounded more like a barked demand.
He didn’t even flinch. “Because it’s what you need.”
I didn’t want to need him.
I didn’t say anything. I couldn’t. Words failed me.
Arrow shifted, uncomfortable, as if he thought what he said was somehow wrong instead of so incredibly right.
“I mean, it’s not trying to scale a giant fence or anything, but…”
He was joking. Trying to make light of what he just offered because he thought I was rejecting it. I couldn’t let that happen. “It’s better.” The words rushed out.
His lips pressed together. His stare asked if it was true.
“Yo!” Drew called out. “Let’s do this!”
Arrow swung to face the guys. “Actually, we—”
I grabbed his arm, speaking low. “No. Let’s do it.”
“I can feel your fingers shaking.” He glanced down to where I held him.
“I can do it.” I insisted. Maybe this was something I needed to do. For closure.
Or maybe I was afraid if we made an excuse and left, my time with Arrow would be over for the day. I guess the thought of that was worse than the thought of a fiery snowmobile crash.
I had more issues than the house of GearShark.
“Are you sure?” Arrow murmured, studying me, penetrating me with his eyes.
No. “Yes.”
I glanced up at Trent and Drew. They were watching us with interest. Those two were way too perceptive. I’d noticed that since the moment we’d been introduced. Especially Trent. That guy was good at reading people.
“Take ‘em out. Let’s all try to stay in the same vicinity, but let’s stay away from the main house.” Drew pointed off in the direction of the giant house.
I nodded and moved toward the vehicle. Arrow wasn’t far behind. My legs were shaking when I straddled it. My breathing was shallow, and an image of the Ducati wreckage was stapled to my brain.
The sounds of engines starting up nearby made me want to flee. I told myself to shut the hell up, and I fired up mine. It was a smooth-running engine, loud but nothing over the top. The seat was comfortable, and I knew by looking at it and feeling it purr between my legs it was well taken care of.
This was just a friendly drive. Fun. No competition, no anger about who was getting what deal. It was going to be fun. No drama.
I glanced over at Arrow, wanting to reassure myself he was okay. He was scowling at the vehicle, and I noticed then the engine wouldn’t turn over.
All three of us watched him do everything he could to start it up. It was a no-go.
“Shit,” Drew swore over the engines. “That fucking sled.”
Arrow nodded like he was disgusted. “Battery’s dead.”
A sense of giddy glee overcame me. The urge to grin was shoved down, but I was relieved. So fucking relieved he wasn’t going to be driving that thing.
“You guys go without me,” Arrow said, climbing off the vehicle and tugging the edges of his black hat down over his ears.
“You can take mine,” Trent offered, moving like he might get up. “I can ride with Drew.”
All that glee inside me drained away. As if he knew it, Arrow glanced at me, then back at Trent. “Nah, these are your toys. You should enjoy them. Besides, you two are too big to fit on one.”
Drew spoke up, hitching a thumb in my direction. “Ride with Hopper.”
My belly dipped.
Trent agreed. “Yeah, good call, Forrester. They fit better on one sled.”
I felt Arrow’s stare.
If Drew and Trent picked up on any of the vibes between Arrow and me, they acted like they hadn’t a clue.
Fuckers.
“C’mon!” Drew yelled and took off. Snow flung up behind him, spraying in Trent’s direction, who took off behind him.
Arrow looked at me. I hitched my chin, gesturing for him to come on. His eyes widened with surprise. His boots crunched over the snow, a sound I probably shouldn’t have heard over the engine, but I did. I heard everything connected to him.
“You sure?” he asked.
I nodded. At least with him on the back, I had some control over our speed, over the route we traveled. I could protect him better. The thought made this a little more bearable.
Arrow straddled the sled. His body fit behind me, but not up against me. He held himself back a little, keeping some air between us.
I thought about the way he looked when I first saw him today. Bare chested and in those fucking emoji pants.
He wasn’t as skinny as he appeared in all those baggy clothes. He was lean for sure; the guy had almost no body fat. His skin clung expertly to all the sinewy muscle corded beneath the surface. He had solid, flat abs, smooth skin, and his nipples… They were erect.
My mouth ran dry when I noticed. My tongue practically scraped the roof of my mouth when I tried to swallow. And the pants? They were loose but showed off more of his ass than anything else I’d seen on him.
I resisted the urge to shove back just a little, to bring that upper body against my back to see if it felt as good as it looked.
I glanced over my shoulder. My chin brushed the leather collar on my coat I’d put over his hoodie. “You ready?”
“Whenever you are,” he answered, his knees brushing the outside of my hips.
I turned back around, glancing down at the machine.
It had been so long, yet it felt like yesterday.
The throttle on this sled was the same as a motorcycle. My right hand gripped the handle and twisted. The sled responded immediately, and we shot forward.
The sudden movement jerked us both, and Arrow’s hand shot out, steadying himself on my side. It was the ultimate distraction from the nerves suffusing my brain.
Cold wind whipped against my face, pushing at the layers of clothes I wore. Some of the cold cut through my pants, penetrating through to my legs. I ignored it as snow sprayed out around us and pointed the nose in the direction Drew and Trent had disappeared.
I wasn’t going terribly fast. In fact, back in the day, I’d have compared my speed to that of a turtle. Or a granny. But it was all I could manage right now. I was trying to push past the memories and feelings assaulting my chest.
It was the achingly familiar feelings that got me the most. How something so simple could remind me of so much was overwhelming. I could almost taste the memories that assaulted me. God, I used to love this so fucking much.
It was freedom.
The air. The speed. Being in control of the craft.
There was nothing quite like being on a motorcycle and flying over the ground.
The sound of crunching metal, shattering glass, ruined my reminiscing. My brain was intruded upon by flashes of Matt lying on the ground, unmoving and unresponsive.
I remembered the morgue, his dead body.
The sled jerked violently beneath my hands, swerving toward the right.
“Whoa.” Arrow’s voice rumbled against my ear.
His body surrounded mine. Long arms reached around, his hands covered mine, and smoothly he guided us back into a straight line.
“How about you stay here in the moment with me for a while?” His voice was low. It mixed in with the rumble of the engine. So I told myself my limbs vibrated because of the machine between my legs, not because of the whispered words over my shoulder.
I glanced back briefly, just long enough for our gazes to connect, before I turned back ahead. Beneath his hands, mine flexed. He gave them a gentle squeeze.
I wanted to. I wanted to stay in the moment with him.
“I got this,” I called back.
His hands lifted off mine. His body began to pull back. With my left hand, I caught his retreating arm, tucking it around my middle. He paused briefly. I felt the stiff surprise in his muscles. Still, he allowed me to hold his hand there, pressed against my chest. After a moment, I released him so I could drive and held my breath and waited to see if he would pull away.
He didn’t.
Arrow’s other arm followed suit and wrapped around my middle. His chest pressed closer against my back, his thighs tightening on either side of my hips.
I was overwhelmed, almost frozen in the moment of feeling him wrap around me. It was sort of like a jumper cable to a completely dead battery. I didn’t start up, but the sparks of life were there. I felt them. It was like all I needed were a few more jolts, and then impossibly, this completely dead battery might sputter to life.
The warmth and brilliance of that feeling, of being touched after so many years…
Five. Long. Years.
It was indescribable.
I hitched a breath. Sucked in another.
“You gonna drive like a granny all day?” Arrow teased in my ear.
I felt one eyebrow shoot up beneath the brim of my beanie.
“Is this the best you got, Hopp?” He challenged, still teasing.
Before I could even think twice or second-guess myself, my hand twisted the throttle as if it were the most natural thing in the world. The sled tore over the snow, bounced on a slight dip in the landscape, and I turned sharply, creating a curtain of high-flying powder.
Instead of stopping there, I tore off in the new direction, completely losing myself in the ride, and the joy I suddenly remembered overcame everything else.
We moved so fast the wind felt like sharp blades against my cheeks, and my eyes scanned the white-capped trees, the sparkling white blanket, and the way the blue sky dropped to meet it.
We caught up to Trent and Drew. The three of us buzzed around, and at one point, I saw an opportunity, a slight bank of white fluff. Still caught up in the moment, still feeling startlingly secure with Arrow wrapped around my back, I took off, giving the throttle exactly what it needed, and hit the bank.
We were airborne a few seconds, flying over the white blanket not very far below.
Arrow screamed in my ear, a loud, “Whoop!” that likely echoed half a mile. It was a joyous sound, and for a blissful second, it gave me the same joy, but then it brought me crashing back.
The sled hit the snow and slid across the ground. I turned sharply and hit the brake. The vehicle did a full turn so we were facing the way we’d just come, and I stopped.
I could hear my heart thundering in my ears. Felt my breath squeezing my lungs as I wheezed, trying to draw in more.
What the fuck had I been doing?
I’d been flying. I fucking took a jump.
With Arrow on the back.
Jesus Christ, I hadn’t driven in years. What if I’d
lost control?
My hands dropped off the handles. The snowmobile shut off, and the only sounds around us were the two sleds in the distance and the thundering of my erratic heartbeat in my ears.
I slumped forward a little. The crashing guilt, a wave of regret, and all of reality came like an avalanche I had no hope of outrunning.
“Where the fuck did you learn to drive like that?” Arrow said, amazed excitement in his voice. It barely registered. Even he was muffled by the avalanche.
“Another lifetime ago.” I wasn’t sure if it was a thought or something spoken.
The trembles came back, but they were more like quakes now.
It was embarrassing to lose it like this. Here. Now. But I had no hope of controlling it.
Arrow slid off the sled. The wind hit me in the back like a snowball to the face. It made me quake more.
“My turn to drive,” he announced.
I glanced up, then numbly slid back, giving him the driver’s seat. I was glad he wanted to drive. I was done. No more. I loved it just then, but I couldn’t do this again.
Arrow’s jean-clad leg swung over the seat. His body lowered in front of me. I looked up, startled, right into his brown eyes.
Our knees knocked together. His hands fell onto the tops of my thighs and stayed.
“I thought you wanted to drive,” I remarked.
“I do, but not until you’re ready to hang on.”
Our stares bounced between each other. Again, I saw no pity or even that he had the need to ask.
“You stayed for a while,” he said. The sound of his voice calmed me, and so did the shy way he said the words.
“I’m still here.” My voice was scratchy as if it were out of practice. In many ways, it was.
He made a sound of disagreement. “No. You’re slipping away again.”
“I don’t want to.” The words ripped out as if they knew if they waited, I would shove them down.
Arrow glanced between us, and I followed his stare.
I’d grabbed his hand, clutched it like a lifeline.
Both our stares lifted, connected.
“Make me stay,” I whispered.
The minimal distance separating us disappeared. Arrow swooped in at the same time his hands came up. The soft, scratchy material of the gloves molded to his hands brushed over my jaws, pulling a little in my stubble when he cupped my face.
#Blur (The GearShark Series Book 4) Page 16