As I fall to the ground all I can think about is how much I love the woman who is laying on the ground a couple feet away and that I can’t reach her one last time before everything goes black.
Chapter 20
Harmen
I hear a loud bang followed by watching Gray’s body fall lifelessly to the ground. “No!” I yell through sobs as I try to move towards him.
This can’t be the end. It can’t be.
He just told me what I’ve spent almost my entire life wanting to hear, he can’t be gone. Before I can move more than an inch I hear another shot ring out causing me to drop my head to the cold concrete and try to protect myself from any more bullets that might come.
After a couple seconds of silence, I hear officers shouting orders and people running to the two lifeless bodies on the ground. Brett. They shot him, and all I care about is getting to Gray before they can take him away from me.
As I’m trying to move I’m stopped by the medics trying to look me over before I can get to him, but I can’t tear my eyes away from the ghostly white frame of my best friend as he’s surrounded by officers and medics trying to save him.
Save him. I always thought I would be the one to save him if the time ever came, now look at me. When he needs me most I can’t even get to him.
“Please be okay. Please be okay,” I whisper to myself and I watch the medics load him into the back of a nearby ambulance.
Once he’s out of sight I feel my body relax and let everyone around me do their jobs. I feel them put a collar around my neck and gently lift me onto a flat board. It’s hard to feel anything but numbness as they lift me off the ground and into an awaiting ambulance. Once the doors are shut, we take off and all I can do is close my eyes and pray that when I open them this has all been a bad dream.
Waking up cold and alone is the first thing I notice. I open my eyes slowly and take in my small hospital room, there’s nothing but my bed, a chair and the medical equipment. Complete with beige walls and all, I lay back in my bed realizing it wasn’t just a bad dream like I had hoped it was.
It all comes back, slowly flooding my mind in a whirlwind that makes me feel like I’m either going to be blown away or drown in all the events that took place. I don’t know how long I’ve been in here or how long I was asleep, but it doesn’t feel long enough. I try placing everything I remember in order of how it happened to make sure I’m not missing anything. The thing that keeps playing on a loop in my mind is Brett’s confession to me.
He killed my parents. The man I had spent the last two years with killed them. How could I not know? I guess the answer to that is simple, I didn’t know just like I didn’t know he was lying about who he was. I used to think of myself as a smart girl, one with a lot of common sense, but now I question that and everything else about myself.
I get that my dad wanted to hide what happened between him and his old partner, but I just wish he would have thought to tell me about it. At least just mention it, I never would have judged him or looked at him any differently. He was still the father I loved with my whole heart, he just had a secret he decided to keep that unfortunately came back to affect me.
As mad as I want to be at him for never telling me, I can’t because he’s not here anymore. He’s not here anymore because Brett decided to take matters into his own hands and punish me for something I knew nothing about. I just can’t believe I didn’t notice anything sooner. I can’t help but feel like my parents would be disappointed in me if they were still here. Just thinking about him and what he has done brings bile to my throat.
I finally remember everything that happened causing me to frantically search for a call button to get a nurse in here. Gray. What happened to Gray? Is he okay? Did he die? A million questions are running through my head as an older nurse walks through the door.
“Oh good looks like you’re awake, how are you feeling?” she asks sweetly.
“I’m fine. Can you tell me what’s going on with my friend Grayson Beck? Is he here? Is he okay?” I find myself wincing at the pain in my side.
“Breathe honey, you have some bruised ribs that are going to cause some pain if you get yourself all worked up, your friend is okay. I just came from checking on him and he made it through surgery but he’s still asleep, that’s all they really know. And his family is on their way,” she smiles at me sadly and pats my hand as she checks all the machines around me.
I wait till she’s done checking me over before I ask if I can go see him. She finally relents after my 100th time of asking. I tell her once I see him for myself I’ll come back to bed and rest.
Finally, she relents and loads me into a wheel chair and steers me down the hall to his room. She reminds me over and over again that he still isn’t awake and that he’s going to look kind of ruff from where he hit his head when he fell to the ground. She also told me that he was shot in the chest and will be in quite a bit of pain when he does decide to wake up.
I keep repeating to myself that he’s okay. I’m nervous to see him and see how he looks, but my heart is more concerned with making sure he’s okay with my own eyes. It’s like my heart knows it won’t fully recover from everything I’ve learned if I’m not able to see him.
Thankfully this batty old nurse was willing to bring me down to see him or I’m afraid they would have found me dragging my machines behind me while walking down the hallway just so I could check on him. I know I’m desperate, but I don’t care.
With one last warning she pushes me through his door. My breath catches in my throat as I look at my best friend lying limp in the bed. He looks so helpless and broken, I did that to him. It hits me like a ton of bricks when I realize he’s here because of me. He could have died because of me. I know he always thought it was his job to protect me, but I never thought he would have to go this far to do so.
The nurse rolls me up to his bedside and tells me I can hold his hand if I want. Knowing it’s okay to do so, I hesitantly reach out and grab a hold of his hand laying closest to me, making sure I’m careful not to mess with any of the wires attached to him.
“I’ll give you guys a few minutes,” the nurse says as she pats my shoulder and walks out of the room.
Softly holding his hand in mine I move my thumb over the top of his in a soothing motion. I’m not sure if he can feel it or if he knows I’m here, but I hope he does. I’ve never talked to someone while they lay in front of me unconscious, even when I came to the hospital to see my parents after the accident I didn’t talk to them, I just couldn’t do it.
It killed me inside to see my lively and loving parents lay lifeless on a bed and there was nothing I could do to help them. But with Gray, I feel like I need to talk to him and let him know I’m here for him, even if he can’t hear me.
While rubbing his hand I find myself quietly confess what I’ve always been too scared to say out loud. “Hi Gray. I’m so sorry I did this to you. I should have seen the signs that something wasn’t right a long time ago. It shouldn’t have taken you being in danger for me to realize it and I can’t apologize enough for that. I can’t forget what you said to me before it all happened, you said you love me. I don’t know if you meant it as a friend or if you see me as something more, but it doesn’t matter to me because I’ll always love you no matter what, even if it’s only ever as a friend. But I want you to know that I do love you as more than my best friend, I’m in love with you and I always have been. I can’t let anything happen to you without telling you. You’re it for me and you always have been. I convinced myself for so long that I could be with Brett and be happy even if he was never the one I wanted. As long as you were in my life in some capacity that’s all that mattered. But now after everything that happened, I can’t help but tell you that you are everything to me, you’re my best friend, my partner in crime, and I know you’re the love of my life. I promise I will finally force myself to tell you all of this if you wake up, but if you can hear me now just know that I do love you and I always will.
”
I lean down and press a kiss to the back of his hand and lay my head on his arm, while his bed soaks up all my tears. I keep my head down and resting on his to bring myself the only comfort I can of being by his side, until I feel his hand tighten around mine.
You’d think I heard another gun shot by how fast my head snaps up.
I look him over from head to toe to see if he really moved or if I just imagined it. Ever so slowly I see his lips pull up into a small smile before I hear him softly say the words I’ve only dreamed of hearing.
“I’m in love with you too.”
Epilogue
Grayson
Three Years Later
Ten years ago I never would have pictured my life where it is today. I knew from the very first day I met Harmen that I would always have her in my life. I just never knew for sure in what capacity that’s be. As I grew up, so did she and I started to want more from her. I missed my chance once because I was too scared to take a chance and didn’t even know what I really want and after that I told myself if I ever got the opportunity again, I would grab her and never let go.
So here I am three years later watching my wife and one-year-old son play on the floor of our home. I always knew she was an amazing woman and I had no doubts she would make an incredible wife and mother, but I was not prepared for just how great she would be. It makes me love her more, if that’s even possible.
I truly don’t think anyone come be prepared or comprehend what becoming a mother does to a woman, especially one as incredible as her. She has devoted the last year of her life to our son and making sure he is happy and cherished at all times, no questions asked. She always says she wants our son to look at us the way she always looked at her parents. She strives every day to make them proud while they watch down on us and I don’t think they could be anything but.
Above and beyond that, she treats our marriage the same way. First and foremost, we are still best friends and partners in crime, obviously not real crime or anything, we aren’t that crazy. But we promised each other on our wedding day that we would always look out for and protect each other no matter what, no questions asked. And that’s exactly what we’ve been doing every day since then.
After the incident with Brett three years ago, everything changed for us. We no longer played around the bush or sidestepped what was right in front of us. We committed to each other and haven’t looked back since.
One-year after Brett was shot and killed by officers in the rest area parking lot, I got down on one knee and asked her to marry me. I wanted to change the way she looked at that day going forward, I wanted her to have something good to remember instead of all the terrible memories that day brought her.
We didn’t want to wait to get married, call us impatient. So with the help of my family we put together a small intimate ceremony and got married only a couple months after my proposal. A little over a year after that we welcomed our son, Hudson Brian Beck, into the world.
She often says she’s able to look at him and remember her father. She has long forgiven her father for the secrets he kept from her and now only looks back with fondness. We remember her parents as the kind and loving people they were and how they protected Harmen the way they thought was best for all those years.
Even though what he hid might have ended up causing her pain, in the end she knows why he did it and understands why as a parent he would want to keep such negative things out of the house and away from her. We both know he never would have kept it from her if he thought for a second or would have known the damage it could cause, but that’s the price you pay for trying to protect those you love. Sometimes it works out how you hope and other times it doesn’t.
You live and you learn, that’s what my parents always taught me and that’s what we will always teach our children. Protect those who are closest to you no matter the cost. You win some, you lose some. Not everything you do is going to be right or perfect, but if you truly believe in why you are doing something, then at least you shouldn't regret it in the end.
Looking at my family now, I don’t regret anything that happened. I just wish I could have saved her the pain she suffered at the hands of Brett, but you can’t change the past, only the future.
Harmen and I may have taken a long time to come together in the way we always should have been, but I wouldn’t change it for the world. I never dreamed of my best friend becoming my wife, but I can honestly say it’s that greatest thing that’s ever happened to me.
As if she knows what I’m thinking, like always, she looks up at me with a loving smile and I know no matter where life takes us we can handle it, together.
The End
About the Author
Madison A. Torgeson was born and raised in rural North Dakota. She discovered her love of books while away at college and made the decision to become an author after marrying and settling down. She received her degree in business and accounting from Mayville State University. Her younger years exposed her to sports, travel and business as the daughter of entrepreneurial parents. Madison and her husband, Hunter are expecting their first child and continue to reside in a small rural community in eastern North Dakota.
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