by B. B. Hamel
“Seems to me that you have no real reason to do anything for the club,” he said. “You don’t owe us anything.”
“I do though,” she said. “Just like you, I grew up here. This is my home. I have to help if I can.”
He just shook his head. “I’m not watching it.”
“Fine. Nobody asked you to.”
He started his engine again and pulled out, riding away.
I watched him go and wished he hadn’t left. I wanted him there in the room for some reason, almost like I drew strength from him being around.
But it was done and he had left. I wasn’t backing down from this just because Clutch had decided to ride off.
I turned and walked into the clubhouse, determined.
It was early again, and so it was pretty empty. I spotted Stonewall and Larkin sitting at the bar, eating breakfast and talking softly.
With nervous pains in my stomach, I walked right up to them.
“Morning, Janine,” Stonewall said. “You look serious.”
I tried to smile. “Just got to talk to my dad about something.”
Stonewall frowned. “Yeah, okay.”
Dad stood up. “Let’s go into my office.”
I nodded and followed him into the back room. He sat down behind his desk with a sigh, but I stayed standing, not wanting to be too comfortable.
“Listen, Dad,” I said.
“Wait,” he interrupted me. “Hold on a second. I just want you to know that whatever you decide, you’re always a part of this club.”
“I want to do it.”
He stared at me silently for a second, and I could see the pain in his eyes, though he was trying to mask it.
“Are you sure?” he said softly.
“I’m sure. If I have a chance to help this club, maybe even save a few lives, I’ll do it.”
“You don’t owe this club anything.”
I smiled softly. “That’s what Clutch said.”
Dad raised an eyebrow. “Smart boy.”
“But I do owe this club everything,” I said quickly. “You saved my life back then, and everyone here welcomed me, raised me. You’ve all sacrificed a lot for the club, and now it’s my turn.”
He looked mournful, like someone he loved had just died. I hated to see him like that, but I knew I was doing the right thing.
It wasn’t the easy thing, but it was the right thing.
“Okay,” he said. “I’ll tell the others.”
“What happens next?”
He shrugged slowly. “I’m not sure. I’ll get in touch with Jetter and the Rebels. We’ll work it out.”
“How fast will it happen?”
“Not fast,” he said. “Jetter will claim you first, get everyone used to the idea. Then we’ll start patching them over. Then you’ll get married.”
“Okay,” I said, nodding. “So I have some time to get used to the idea.”
“You’ve got time, hopefully a lot of it.”
“Thanks.”
He stared at me, still frowning. “You can change your mind, you know.”
“I won’t.”
“But you can. Anytime you want out, tell me, and I’ll make sure you’re out.”
“I’m not backing down.”
He smiled softly. “Yeah. I don’t expect you will. You’ve always been a strong girl, Janine.”
“Thanks,” I said.
He stood up, sighing. “Damn, I’m getting old.” He nodded at the door. “Come on. Let’s eat something.”
I followed him out back toward the bar and sat down with him and Stonewall.
We talked and joked, but the laughter seemed strained. I could tell that Stonewall knew what the conversation had been about and knew what my decision was. I couldn’t guess what he thought of it, but neither of the men seemed particularly happy about what was going on.
This was the cost of war. This was what I did to help my club through a war. Maybe I couldn’t ride or shoot a gun, but I could do this for them. I could make sacrifices.
Clutch would come around and accept it eventually. Or maybe he wouldn’t. That shouldn’t matter to me.
And yet all I wanted was for him to come back through that door, crack some cocky joke, and go back to the way things used to be.
This was how it had to be. I’d made this decision and I had to deal with the consequences. Clutch should understand that the club came first, even if I wasn’t an official member.
The club mattered over everything else. Wasn’t that the sort of thing they always said? Maybe I didn’t wear the patch, but I was family.
And I was going to sacrifice to keep my family safe.
12
Clutch
I felt the cool air whipping past my body as I rode out along the highway.
I’d been riding my whole life, and it still was the only thing that really cleared my head. Sex felt good and calmed me, violence and excitement felt good and made life worth living, but riding was the only thing that really relaxed me anymore.
And I knew that I needed to get away from that clubhouse. My blood was on fire as the memory of the night before came back to me. I remembered the feeling of those douchebag college kids getting beaten down for disrespecting Janine, and I remembered her body pressed against mine in the parking lot.
I hated her decision. I understood it, understood why she wanted to do what she was doing, but I couldn’t support that shit.
A lot of guys in the club treated their women like fucking garbage to be thrown out, and I was guilty of that shit too. I fucked around plenty, though I never promised I was doing anything more than that. But when it came to Janine, I couldn’t picture marrying her off like she was some cheap product to be bought and sold.
I didn’t know what the fuck was happening with me. Maybe I was going soft all of a sudden. I knew the other guys wouldn’t love that we’d marry off one of our girls to further the club’s agenda, but they’d shut their mouth because the club came first.
Well, I’d been putting the club first for most of my life. I wasn’t a fucking mindless drone just following orders. I felt like marrying Janine off like that was wrong, and I wasn’t going to sit around and pretend otherwise.
I rode farther and farther out into the desert. Out here, it felt like the world had no end. Distances were deep and long, ground flat and smooth, broken up by mountains and cities. The red dust of the ground blew endlessly, shifting inches every year, both living and dead. It was the perfect place as far as I was concerned, as I lived my life in that place between the living and the dead.
I was an enforcer, death riding a bike. I destroyed my club’s enemies with a righteous fury and never once looked back.
But what did I do when my enemies were a part of my club?
I stayed out riding for an hour, but I knew I had to go back. I couldn’t just run from my fucking problems; I wasn’t that type of man. I turned around and headed back toward the clubhouse, my body a mess of tension.
The place was more crowded when I pulled up. I recognized a bunch of the bikes parked outside and saw Dow sitting with Ford over at a table in the corner. I headed over there.
“Clutch,” Ford said.
“Dow, Ford.” I sat down. “What’s the word?”
Dow shrugged. “You know about Janine, right?”
“Yeah,” I grunted. “I’ve been her bodyguard.”
Ford laughed. “Bodyguard? You?”
“Yeah, I know,” I said. “I’ve been following her around, sleeping on her couch.”
“Shit, man,” Dow said. “You know she’s a claimed lady now, right?”
“I know it,” I said.
“Guess you can’t be slipping into her bed at night,” Dow went on.
“Never did.”
“Come on,” Ford said, grinning, “we know you, man. We’ve seen you two flirting over the years. You mean to say you didn’t touch her at all?”
The memory of Janine pressing herself against me, kissing me hard in
the parking lot came back. She tasted incredible, amazing.
I shook my head. “Nothing,” I said.
“Well,” Dow said, “missed your chance, I guess. Jetter will be marrying her any time now.”
“Fucking Jetter,” Ford said. “That piece of shit. I can’t believe we’re really patching them over.”
“Makes sense for the war,” Dow said. “I hate Jetter as much as the next guy, but right now I hate the Snakes more.”
“Shit, never thought I’d say it, but I agree. Right now, the Snakes are worse than the Rebels.”
Dow nodded. “Soon, the Rebels will be Demons anyway.”
Ford looked at me. “What do you think, Clutch? What’s Janine saying?”
I shook my head slowly. “Won’t lie to you, boys. I think this marriage thing is bullshit.”
“Why?” Dow asked. “Not like we haven’t used marriage before.”
Ford grinned. “Yeah. I’ve been there, done that.”
“Worked out for you,” I said. “But Janine, she doesn’t like Jetter any more than we do. And he’s a fucking scumbag.”
“So?” Dow asked. “It’s not like it’ll be real.”
“It’ll be real enough, at least to him,” I said. “She’s a part of this club, even if she’s not a member. Seems wrong to pawn her off for our own gains.”
Ford nodded slowly. “I hear you, brother.”
“What’s she saying about it?” Dow pushed.
“Not much honestly,” I admitted. “You know how she is. She loves the club, will do anything for it.”
“Yeah,” Dow said. “Not a shock there.”
“It’ll work out, brother,” Ford said to me. “Always does. Don’t stress it.”
“Not stressing it,” I said. “Whatever the club wants, it gets.”
The two of them heard the darkness in my voice, but neither of them said anything about it.
We’d all been pissed at the club for some reason or other over the years. We never agreed with everything that happened. But they knew and I knew that no matter what, we did what the club needed done, because it was the club over everything else.
“Clutch.” I looked up and saw Janine looking at me. “You busy?”
I shook my head.
“Hey, Janine,” Ford said.
“Hi, Ford, Dow.”
Dow nodded at her, smiling.
“Clutch, take me home?”
Normally that would make the boys laugh and make comments, but neither of them bothered.
I stood up. “That’s my job,” I said.
She didn’t respond to that, just left the clubhouse.
“Later, boys,” I said to Dow and Ford. They nodded as I left.
Janine was standing next to my bike when I got outside. “How’d it go?” I asked her.
“Fine,” she said. “You were gone for a while.”
“Went for a ride.”
She chewed her lip. “Look, Clutch—”
“It’s fine,” I said. “You made your choice. I’m just your bodyguard.”
She stared at me and then nodded. “Yeah, I guess so.”
“Where to?” I asked
I got onto the bike and she climbed on the back. “Take me home.”
I pulled out and rode off into traffic.
We headed back toward her place. It was still early in the day, so I wasn’t sure what I was going to have to be dealing with, but that was fine. The club wanted me to stick close to Janine, and I wanted to make sure she stayed safe.
I couldn’t help but think about her arms around my body as we headed back toward her apartment. I knew it was fucking stupid to think about her body or to think about her hands on mine, but every time she was around me I felt my cock getting hard, my blood pounding through my veins.
We made it back to her apartment after a fast ride. We got off the bike and went up to her place in silence. I stopped her at the top of the landing.
“Let me,” I said, taking her key.
“I can open my own door, Clutch,” she said.
“You’re going to be in more danger now,” I said. “I need to start checking.”
She shook her head. “There’s no need. It hasn’t happened yet.”
“Janine,” I said, and she sighed, giving in. I unlocked her door, moving inside first.
The place was empty and normal.
“See,” she said, walking in. “No problem.”
“Better safe,” I said, and she just rolled her eyes.
She busied herself in the kitchen, making some lunch, as I sat down on the couch again. I was becoming intimately acquainted with this couch. Me and this couch were becoming bros.
“Tell me,” I said to her. “Why are you really marrying this guy?”
She paused what she was doing. “Seriously, just going to casually start this conversation?”
“I’m wondering, so I asked.”
“Not much subtlety.”
“You know me, princess,” I said. “I just take and do what I want.”
“Yeah,” she said. “Do you really care?”
“I know you think you owe the club. I want to know if it’s more than that.”
She paused, holding a knife. She was chopping vegetables or something for a salad, basically the sort of thing I’d never bother eating.
“If I can save lives, I’ll do whatever it takes,” she said.
I raised an eyebrow. “So you’re doing this for the war?”
“Yeah, I am. This club has given me so much. If I can save some of your lives by making this war go faster, I’ll do it.”
I nodded. I hadn’t thought about how winning the war faster would mean saving some lives. Frankly, death was just a part of life as a biker, and you took that risk every time you put on the cut.
But from her perspective, it made sense. She wanted to save lives.
“I get that,” I said.
“So you’re going to stop being a dick about this then?”
“I didn’t say that.” I smirked at her. “I’m not going to make this easy for you.”
“Great. Thanks.”
“Sorry, princess, but you’re making a mistake.”
She just shook her head and went back to chopping.
She was pissed, but that was fine. I was sure she was fucking up, making a dumb move just out of obligation to Larkin. He shouldn’t have asked her, and she shouldn’t have said yes, but we were too far for all that.
I wasn’t going to actively stop her, but I wasn’t going to support this shit either.
I kicked my feet up and leaned back, ready to do this for the long haul.
13
Janine
Clutch wasn’t in the mood to talk, and neither was I. After he’d told me flat out that he thought I was making a mistake, I took my lunch into my room and spent the next few hours watching Netflix while he sat on my couch.
I had a knot in my stomach the size of Texas. Clutch didn’t know it yet, but I was going to meet Jetter at the clubhouse later that night. I didn’t feel like telling him what was going down later on, since he really didn’t need to know.
But I wished I could talk to him about it. Maybe he wasn’t the subtlest guy in the world, but at least he seemed to give a shit about me. He’d be able to offer advice or at least a comforting grunt or two.
Instead, he was making it fucking clear that he didn’t support this and wasn’t going to. Fine, he didn’t need to support it, but he at least should have been trying to help make this easier on me. This decision was hard enough without Clutch giving me shit for it, giving me those looks, making me rethink everything.
I didn’t realize that he had the power to make me reconsider my decision, but as I kept thinking about that kiss, about the dream I’d had about him, I couldn’t help it. I couldn’t tell what it meant, if I cared about him or if I just wanted to feel his hands against my body, slowly stripping my clothes.
And I had no real way of knowing, not anymore. I couldn’t just walk o
ut there and strip off his clothes, or maybe let him strip off mine. I wanted to. I wanted to let him do all the dirty things he’d promised he could do. I believed that he could make my body feel incredible, do things to me that I’d only ever dreamed about, especially after that kiss.
But we were way past that now. We’d had our chance the night before, but I had backed down. I could have given myself to him, or at least let him take me, but I had stopped it just before that had happened.
Maybe that was a mistake. Hell, it probably was, but there was no going back now. I wanted it, but I shouldn’t.
After a few hours, I eventually changed into clean clothes and went back out into the living room.
And laughed at what I saw.
Clutch’s feet were kicked up on the coffee table, and he was fast asleep.
I stared at him, grinning. I went into the kitchen, got two pans, and snuck up behind him.
I banged those things together as loudly as I could.
He jumped up, startled and grunting. He reached for his gun and almost drew it out until he noticed me laughing my ass off.
“The hell you doing?” he asked, annoyed.
“Just waking my bodyguard up.”
“I wasn’t sleeping.”
I laughed again, shaking my head. “You’re the worst bodyguard. Anyone could have come in here.”
“You could have gotten shot.”
“You were sleeping!”
He shrugged. “You can’t prove it.”
I shook my head again, smiling big. “Come on. Take me to the club.”
He grumbled but complied, getting his stuff.
I smiled to myself the whole way back to the clubhouse.
We stood outside the front door and Clutch looked at me. “You okay?” he asked.
“I’m about to meet Jetter for the first time.”
He stared at me, unmoving. “Really.”
“Yeah.” I looked up at his rough, handsome face. “I’m nervous.”
He nodded. “I’m here. You’ll be fine.”
I bit my lip and nodded once. I wanted to say something else, but instead I walked into the clubhouse, Clutch just behind me.
The place was still crowded. I went right back to my dad’s office and knocked, Clutch coming along with me.