by Grace, Kenna
“That would be Harvard Medical School.”
A chill ran up my spine and both Clay’s and my own eyes opened wide. I leaned over a bit to glance around his body to see another man standing by the door. “I’m so sorry,” I apologized.
Clay turned around. “We were just joking around. First child, just a little nervous.”
The man smiled and took a few more steps into the room before shutting the door behind him. “No harm taken,” he replied. “Trust me, I’d know. Being a doctor and all.” He gave me a wink. “Dr. Evans. It’s nice to meet you both.”
Relieved that the man hadn’t taken offense, I let out a sigh of relief. Leaning forward, I gave Clay a playful smack on the ass.
His body tensed before looking back at me and rolling his eyes.
Dr. Evans quickly sanitized his hands and put on a pair of blue latex gloves. “So, how have you been feeling lately?”
I thought about it for a minute, but nothing concerning jumped to mind. “Fine, actually. Some lower back pain and weird cravings, but nothing that I haven’t read as being uncommon.”
Dr. Evans nodded and grabbed a clipboard that was set down on the table in the far side of the room. “Been doing your research, have you?” He jotted a few things down on the form attached to the clipboard and turned back around to face us. His warm face smiled. “That’s good. Don’t think I’ve yet met a first-time parent who hasn’t read at least every link on the first page of Google in regards to pregnancy.”
Clay let out a chuckle. “Pretty sure we read the first couple pages before the reality that we were going to be parents even settled in.”
“I guess that practically makes you a doctor.”
Clay’s shoulders slumped and his face flushed with embarrassment. He rubbed a hand at the back of his neck.
I was overtaken by another roar of laughter.
“I’m just messing with you,” Dr. Evans said. He walked over to us and flicked on the monitoring screen next to me before taking a seat in his chair. “Well, shall we take a look?”
I gave him a nod and swung my legs onto the chair to position myself like I had during my first ultrasound.
Clay moved to the other side of me and watched intently as Dr. Evans applied a thin layer of gel around my stomach.
The doctor grabbed the transducers attached to the computer.
“What are those?” Clay said, sounding alarmed.
Dr. Evans’ lips tugged up into a smile. “These are what’s going to be sending and receiving the sound waves. The feedback will be analyzed by the computer and then displayed on the monitor. I’m sure Elliott over here already knows this, but I promise there’s absolutely no pain involved.” He glanced back to me and waited for my approval to continue.
I rolled my shoulders a few times and got comfortable in the chair. “Alright.”
He placed the transducer along my stomach and circled it around to assure all the air bubbles were removed and a seal was formed.
My eyes shot to the monitoring screen as Dr. Evans positioned the transducer.
Suddenly, an image started to form. It pulsated a few times before it became clear.
“Looks like someone isn’t camera shy,” Dr. Evans said.
My heart throbbed in my chest and the buzzing and beeping of the computer and the footsteps of people walking up and down the hall all faded into the background. The only sound I could hear was the ringing in my ears. Just then, I felt Clay’s hand reach out and grip my shoulder. I looked up to see his eyes glued to the screen.
He gasped like his breath was ripped from his lungs. “It’s my baby,” he chuckled. He looked away from the screen and down at me. “Our baby.”
Overcome with joy and disbelief of how much it had grown, I reached up my hand and placed it on top of Clay’s. Both of us brought our attention back to the monitor.
Dr. Evans kept the transducer in place while he reached to the screen with his free hand and tapped on one of the buttons. A rhythmic beating played through the speaker.
“Is… is that?” I couldn’t even spit out the words.
He nodded. “The heartbeat,” Dr. Evans answered.
Tears started to swell in my eyes. I wiped them away with the back of my hand. I’d seen the ultrasound before, but hearing our little bundle of joy’s heart beating tugged at my heart strings.
Clay released my shoulder and turned around to take my hand. His face was glowing with amazement and even his own eyes were starting to water. “I can’t believe it.”
“You want to know?” Dr. Evans asked.
He didn’t need to be more specific. I knew exactly what it was that he was asking. My eyes met with Clay’s. As late into my pregnancy as I was, neither of us even thought, much less talked about whether or not we wanted to know. “What do you think?”
“I feel like a kid again on the night before Christmas looking at the presents under the tree,” he admitted. “We can wait if you want, but it’s not going to be easy.”
My lips tugged up into a smile and I gave him a wink. “I think our little baby was a big enough surprise. I think I’ve had my fill of them for the next little while.” The both of us looked back to Dr. Evans and I gave him a nod.
“The two of you have yourselves a healthy and beautiful baby boy looking forward to meeting you both.”
It didn’t matter to me one way or the other if it was a boy or girl, but a smile filled my face and bliss filled my body.
“A boy?” Clay started to laugh with happiness. “We’re having a boy. A beautiful baby boy.” He couldn’t hold back the swelling in his eyes anymore and tears began to run down his face. He wiped them away and sniffled. “Do you know when?” he asked Dr. Evans.
He shuffled his head from side to side as he examined the image a little closer. “I can’t give you an exact date, but it’s looking like he’s going to be ready to see the world in a couple weeks. Likely between the twenty-third and thirty-first.”
It had been a long time since I’d believed in Santa. A long time since Christmas was anything other than a stressful date on the calendar. This year though, December really did feel like it was made of magic and miracles.
Dr. Evans pulled away the transducer and tucked it back from where he’d grabbed it. He passed me some tissue to clean off with, and then jotted a few more notes down. “You guys already have everything in order?”
“What do you mean?” Clay asked.
“Oh, you know, how you’re going to be getting back here when the time comes? A bag packed and ready to go with some extra clothes and whatever else you think you might need.”
Clay’s eyes went wide. “Not quite yet. Definitely still have some things that need to be planned.”
Dr. Evans chuckled. “Well, you might want to get started on that sooner than later. It’s always better to be more prepared than to be panicked when the time comes. Trust me, the more you have planned out before, the less stressful and hectic everything will be when you’re rushing to make split second decisions with a scattered brain.”
After signing a couple forms, Clay and I made our way back out the hospital and caught the subway back to our station. It was where we had to part ways. My transfer was north and Clay’s east.
We stood next to each other as we waited for our separate trains. My heart skipped a beat each time I heard one rushing down the rails.
“Can I ask you something?” Clay said timidly.
I nodded my head. “Shoot.”
“Move in with me.”
My heart felt like it’d sunk to the pit of my stomach. Either I was hearing things or did Clay just really ask me to move in with him? My jaw hung slack and I took a moment before being able to reply. “I’m sorry. You want me to what?”
He didn’t miss a beat. “Move in with me.”
“Move in with you?”
Clay nodded his head. “Move in with me.”
My brows arched. “Are—are you serious?”
“Yeah,” Clay answere
d. “I mean, you heard the doctor. When the time comes, I should be there for you. I’m not much help if I’m not with you when you need me.”
Suddenly, the sound of screeching brakes came from down the tunnel. I watched as the train came to a halt and squinted my eyes as I read the illuminated print of its destination. It was my train. If I missed it, the next one wouldn’t be for another half-hour. “I—I—I don’t,” I stuttered.
“Look, at least until the baby’s born. I want to be there for you and make things as easy as I can. We can try it out for a couple nights. If it doesn’t work out, I can get you a cab home.”
My jaw alternated between clenching and returning slack as I thought about his proposal. Time I didn’t have if I wanted to catch my ride.
“What do you say?”
Clay did have a point. I did need all the help I could get, and he was the father after all. We had a rough patch, but things had been going well since making up. We weren’t dating anymore, but it definitely didn’t feel like we weren’t not dating. That was what scared me the most. I was attached to him as much as I ever had been. More even. Moving in with him sounded amazing, and that was what terrified me. The possibility that it would be amazing. Until it wasn’t.
We had one breakup and I knew I wouldn't be able to make it through another. The more I thought about it, the more I wanted to pull away. To tell him I couldn't. Except, I couldn’t find it in me.
Just then, on the other side of the rails, another train came to a stop. An exchange of people entered and exited, and I scanned through the crowd until I was able to make out its destination. It was Clay’s.
I took a deep breath. “Alright.”
He beamed. “Yeah?”
My lips tugged up into a smile. “Yeah,” I said, nodding my head. “Let’s try it. At least until the baby’s born.”
20
Clay
Elliott and I hopped on my train and took it over to my usual stop. When we emerged from the tunnel, I watched the picturesque, orange-blue clouds of dusk, knowing that the sky would soon turn dark. As we walked along the sidewalk, the wind on our backs urged us along, softly. Eventually, my hand found his.
“So how did your morning go?” I asked with a smile. “You never had the chance to tell me.”
“So-so, I guess. I’m kind of tired though, honestly I just can’t wait to get into bed,” he replied.
For what felt like the hundredth time today, Elliott felt distant. It wasn’t unusual for him to be a little reserved but tonight something was definitely off. Something had gone missing from his smile and that smooth honey-like quality of his voice was nowhere to be found. I figured I’d try to get his mind off of whatever was bothering him.
“Nick was being a total ass again today.” I said. “I swear to God if he makes one more joke about us, he’s going to get a black eye.”
“Maybe he has a crush on you, you know ‘boys are only mean when they like you’,” Elliott joked.”
“Pfff,” I said, laughing. “He’s definitely not my type. Great guy, but he’s way too macho for me.”
Elliott feigned a half-hearted smile, barely moving his eyes from the ground. Something was wrong, and I could tell, but I knew better than to push. It hadn’t taken long to learn that that was not the way into his head.
On our way to the apartment, we passed the usual slew of overpriced streetwear stores and the throng of New York commuters. The evening chill began to set in as Elliott exchanged my hand for his own pocket, continually staring at the ground. I could tell he was getting fed up and was sick of walking.
“Thank god we’re almost home,” he muttered.
I nodded in agreement, but as we started to cross the road I stopped.
“On second thought, quick detour.”
“Are you serious?” Elliott asked, clearly exasperated, “we’re almost home!”
“I swear it’ll take under ten minutes, there and back.”
I stuck out my arm, waiting for Elliott to lock his around mine. Begrudgingly, he accepted and we turned to walk the street corner, following a string of Christmas lights along the apartments to our left.
“Where are we going anyway?” Elliott asked.
“You never did like surprises, did you?” I smiled. “Too bad, you’re going to have to wait this time. I saw it on my way home the other day.”
“Clay, please, let’s just go home,” he said, turning around and letting go of my arm.
“Not so fast,” I said, reaching into his jacket pocket to quickly grab the spare key I had given him. “You’re going to need these to get inside.”
“Are you serious? You’re acting like a child, I just want to go back.”
“Suit yourself, I guess.”
I dangled his keys in front of him as I kept walking. I didn’t even have to turn my head. I heard the patter of his feet chasing the damp sidewalk as he tried to catch up.
“You’re honestly so annoying sometimes,” he said with a sheepish smile.
Finally, the smile was real. The evening had turned his cheeks rosy while his dimples creased upwards in that boyish way I always loved. That was the thing with Elliott, he always managed to attract me with the simplest of things, whether it was his smell first thing in the morning or the way his laugh seemed to fill a room no matter what. “Come on, slow poke.”
“Clay, I’m tired,” he said, “and you’re dragging me three blocks farther away from your place.”
Once I tossed him the keys, he pocketed them and clasped my hand. Reconciliation. The soft touch and subtle smile warmed me in a way that fur or cotton never could, and suddenly I’d forgotten the cold that hung heavy in the air. The clouds had passed, and the sky now darkened as the wind calmed to a pleasant whisper. We were finally here.
“Ta-da!” I announced, hoping he would take me seriously.
I could tell from the look on his face that, to Elliott, the street looked identical to the hundreds of others in the city. The street lamps lit the dark grey concrete of the roads, and bright yellow taxis drove in search of pedestrians. The honks of cars occasionally broke the hum of evening traffic.
“It better start raining hundred dollar bills or you’re sleeping on the couch,” Elliott said with an overly confident grin. “No sheets, no kiss good night—nothing.”
“Just come sit,” I said softly, ignoring his quip and taking his hand. I led him to an old wooden bench near a great big oak.
“So, what’s wrong anyway?” I asked, finally feeling as if there was a chance that he might open up to me.
Elliott turned away, looking at his feet. “What are you talking about? I told you I’m just tired. You’re the one that made me walk three blocks.”
Elliott’s voice was tinged with annoyance, something that was rare even on his worst days. “You’re never snappy with me, Elliott, I know something’s up. Just let me help. Let me understand.”
“It’s nothing.” He shrugged.
“It’s always nothing,” I said knowingly.
“Can we just talk about this tomorrow? I was just starting to enjoy myself on this wild goose chase.”
I reached quietly and placed a firm hand on his leg, hoping to comfort him in any way that I could. He was stubborn as all hell, but Elliott was the most kind-hearted person I knew. A gentle soul, easily upset, but trying to hide it from everyone, even me. Yet behind the façade there was an ever-present tenderness. There were nights where Elliott’s warmth could heat cities and his soft, almost poetic voice could bring Wordsworth to tears. Just last week, I had arrived to his place after a more-than-rough day of work, to a house filled with the glow of candles and music rattling from the record player across the room. He had seared two fresh sirloins with a side of garlic mashed potatoes and a pitcher of margaritas. He really knew how to get to me.
Elliott broke the silence. “So, are you going to tell me why we’re here, or am I going to have to wait some more?”
I glanced down at my phone screen to check the tim
e. “Any minute now,” I said gently.
Looking up, I took note of the brown brick walls, the black steel of the fire escapes nestled against their walls. A grey kitten poked her head out from the curtains of a nearby window, mouth moving in a quiet ‘meow’. She reminded me of Annie, my kitten from way back when. I must have been 17 when she passed, I realized.
The usual hustle and bustle of the city seemed to die down for a moment, and even if it lasted just a moment, I treasured every second of it. Being 17 didn’t feel nearly as long ago as it truly was.
In an instant, down the road, a set of lights erupted in colors of red, blue and green, illuminating the street with their soft luminescence. Whoever had set the Christmas lights up had a knack for decoration, as the intricate patterns had bathed the walls in a beautiful cascade of color. Another townhouse lit up, adding even more color to the already elegant scene. Deep purples and bright yellows covered the homes, lining the roofs with a beautiful glow. More and more buildings came to life, and before long nearly the entire street was enveloped in a warm brilliance. The scene may have been torn straight out of a Christmas movie, complete with cheesy reindeer and candy cane decorations.
“I know how much you like Christmas lights,” I said in a soft voice.
Elliott’s head fell gently to my shoulder, as he wrapped his hands around my arm. There we sat without any words, only the illumination of the hundreds of colors strewn across the city streets. Just as the final house lit up, the air was filled with the sparkle of snow. The powder fell in light sheets, peppering the two of us with a pleasant reminder of winter’s quiet comfort. This was the city’s first snowfall of the year, and it couldn’t have come at a better time.
“Worth the wait?” I asked, chuckling lightly.
Elliott looked into my eyes, slowly planting a kiss on my lips. With a fluttering heart, I kissed him back, grazing his hair with the back of my hand. We shared the moment together, and Elliott softly nuzzled against my neck in silent appreciation.