"I just ... I saw you over here."
"And?"
"God, Kate," she said. "What do you think? I wanted to talk to you."
"Me? Why would you want to do that when you could be hanging out with Diane or laughing at me because my dad sells infomercial vitamins?"
She sighed. "I suck for that. It's just that I . . . look, Diane was really upset. Her mom was pretty freaked out by your dad's party thing."
"Right," I said, my voice tight, and shoved my hands into my pockets because they'd started to shake. "God forbid Diane, who used to call you Fat Ass, should be upset."
"Nice," she said, looking off the to the side again and shaking her head. "Real nice, Kate.
Bring up--"
"What, the truth?"
She looked at me. "You . . . you're so you, Kate," she said, and then she smiled. "I saw you talking to Will before last period today. Does he still drive you crazy?"
She had no idea. "Pretty much."
Her smile grew wider. "I really do miss you, you know."
She'd said it before, but it still felt so good to hear. The thing was, why did she miss me now? And what about before? "Is that why you stopped talking to me?"
"I ... I had to."
"You had to?"
"Things changed for me, Kate, and I . . I like who I am now. Life was never as easy for me as it is for you."
"Easy for me? Oh yeah, Anna. Having my best friend act like I don't exist? Piece of cake!
Getting stuck working at the mall with my dad selling crap vitamins? Joy! Yeah, I can see why you would want my easy life."
"I don't mean--it's just that you've always known who you are," she said. "You never . . .
well, you didn't spend years in love with a guy who never noticed you were alive. You didn't have birthday parties that didn't work out like you wanted them to. You didn't . . .
things were different for me than they were for you."
"But you were the one who never cared what people said, who--"
"Always listened anyway," she said. "I can still hear what people used to say about me.
To me. And I just . . I got tired of it. I didn't want to be me anymore."
"Well, you aren't." "But I am," she said. "That's just it. I'm still me. You see it, don't you? See me?"
And looking at her, made over into someone blond and thin and beautiful--I did see it.
I saw Anna, my friend.
Chapter eighteen
We made plans to meet later, down by the ATM.
"I have to go home for a while first," Anna said. "I don't want to, but Mom's job hunting, and you know how she is."
When I nodded, she hugged me. "See, that's why I miss you. You do know exactly what my mom is like. I'll see you at nine, okay? And I won't be late, I promise."
"Oh, come on," I said, grinning at her. "There's no way you've changed that much."
She laughed and hugged me again before she walked away.
I went on my dinner break so happy that even hearing Dad obsess about yet another new promotion plan, this one involving me and shrimp, couldn't get me down.
Then I thought of something. What if she didn't show up?
I put the bag containing my sandwich, a small box of raisins, and a container of warm orange juice on a table in the food court and sat down, slowly taking everything out.
She'd show up. I was almost sure of it. After all, she'd said that she missed me. She'd even said it more than once.
But she'd said that back before school started too.
"Hey, where's your juice box?"
I looked up and saw Will standing next to the table, a slice of pizza on a paper plate resting in one hand, a soda in another. Today his name tag said shoe guy. I wanted to kiss him so bad I couldn't think straight for a moment.
"What? Oh, right. No juice box today," I said, and put the carton down, poking at the plastic wrap covering my sandwich with one finger. It oozed jelly at me.
"Can I sit down?"
I knocked my juice over. Thankfully, I hadn't opened it yet. "What? Why?"
"Because when I eat standing up, people look at me strangely."
I laughed. "That's not why they look."
"Nice," he said, grinning, and sat down.
I didn't know what to do, so I picked up my juice and opened it. Then I realized I didn't have a straw. I know you're supposed to be able to drink from the carton, but there was no way I was going to try that. I'd have been better off just pouring the juice directly onto my shirt.
I glanced at Will. He was looking at me, and I didn't know why I didn't know why he was sitting with me. After we'd started meeting at night, I'd sometimes seen him on a break when I was taking mine, but I'd always left before he could see me, even if it meant killing the rest of my break sitting by our storage area.
"How's work?" he said.
This was exactly why I'd always left. I didn't want him to talk to me like this, like he had to.
"Fine," I said. "You?" What was I doing? I sounded like a freak. A boring freak.
"Well, let's put it this way. I just spent an hour pulling tissue paper out of sneakers so some guy could try on fifteen pairs before deciding he didn't really want new shoes after all."
"I can top that. I just found out that tomorrow I'll be handing out shrimp."
He grinned at me, and I tried not to stare at his dimples. "I'll be up close and personal with other people's feet for hours. I win."
"Have you seen how people act around free food?"
"Strangely enough, I have," he said. "It really isn't pretty, so maybe I don't win after all.
We can talk about it later, if you want. I'm supposed to hit the trash and break down boxes at nine."
"I'm meeting someone then," I said, and he didn't say a word. He didn't do anything. He just sat there, his smile fading and his slice of pizza suspended halfway between his plate and his mouth.
"Anna," I added stupidly, like he would somehow care.
"Oh," he said, and put the piece of pizza down only to pick it up again, like he'd forgotten what to do with it.
Then we just sat there for a while. I wanted to leave, but everything was so weird I was afraid to, and so he ate his pizza and I stared at the table, ignoring my sandwich and picking at my raisins, hoping I wasn't chewing too loudly. Or getting bits of them stuck to my teeth. How could sitting with him be so much harder than making out with him?
"So, what about this weekend?" he said, and I looked at him, startled.
"Weekend?"
"You know, tomorrow--well, tomorrow night, Saturday, and then Sunday? Traditionally known as the weekend. Are you doing . . are you working?"
"Probably." I felt . . . well, I felt like crap. For a second I'd actually thought he was going to say something else. Ask me out. I was so stupid.
I stood up, grabbing my stuff and squeezing my empty raisin box into a ball. "I've gotta go back to work."
He stood up too. His face was red. "Me too."
We both stopped at the same trash can, sort of walking together but not really, and after we'd tossed our trash we just sort of stood there. It was horrible, but I couldn't bring myself to leave.
"I don't have to go back right away," he finally said, glancing at me.
"Same here," I said. I felt like I should have been upset with him for what he hadn't said before, but the truth was I knew him asking me out wasn't going to happen, that it was just a stupid dream.
Plus I really wanted to kiss him.
For some reason, he decided he had to have another slice of pizza and then didn't eat any of it. I ate it as we walked back to Dad's storage space instead, sucking cheese off my fingers and making a face at him when I caught him looking at me with a very intense expression, almost like how he looked right before we kissed.
"It's just cheese," I said.
He shook his head, shoving his hands into his pockets and glancing at Dad's ever-growing vitamin stash.
"Kate, look, about this weeken
d," he said, and I kissed him before he could say anything else. So I could pretend he'd done more than ask me if I was working.
So I could pretend he'd asked me out.
I spent the rest of the night in a weird mood. I was really happy and really not happy at the same time. I couldn't wait to see Anna, but I was still afraid she wouldn't show up, or that she'd show up with Diane and laugh at me.
And then there was the Will thing. Until tonight, I hadn't ever thought about going out with him. Making out with him, on the other hand . . . well, that had been the subject of a whole lot of fantasies, but that was it. I hadn't ever thought about more because I knew Will. He was always hooking up with someone. Plus I'd seen Sarah with him, and who'd pick kissing me over kissing her?
But he'd bought me pizza. Despite what he'd said, I knew he'd gotten that extra piece for me just so I'd have something to eat other than the raisins I'd picked through. And that was so unexpected, and so sweet, that I couldn't help but . . . well, like him. A lot.
Plus he was a really good kisser.
At a quarter till nine, I couldn't stand it anymore and told Dad I was going to meet Anna.
"Oh, sure," he said distractedly. "Hey, do you think a new display would help? Mall management said no to my shrimp idea, but I was thinking of setting up shells, and maybe some sand. A beach-type thing, you know?"
"Sounds great," I said, my voice flat, and grabbed my stuff. I didn't know why I told him anything. All he cared about was stupid Perfect You.
"Kate--"
"What?"
"Have a nice time," he said. "I'm glad you and Anna are talking again. I know you must have missed her."
I guess Dad wasn't always completely clueless.
Anna wasn't by the ATM, but then I was early and she was always late for everything.
When I used to meet her at the mall to go shopping, back when being at the mall was something I liked instead of my job, I always told her to meet me twenty minutes before I actually got there so she'd show up when I did.
I sat down on a bench and waited. Then I waited some more. When it had been what felt like two hours, I asked someone walking by what time it was. It was only 9:01, and I told myself to relax, that Anna would show.
But I was so afraid she wouldn't.
I got up and walked down to the main mall corridor, hoping I looked casual and not worried. I stopped and stared in the window of a shoe store, pretending I was looking at a truly ugly pair of heels. Then I went into the only store in the mall that sold decent jeans and flipped through the first rack, the one by the door, as I glanced toward the ATM in what I hoped was a not totally pathetic way.
Anna still wasn't there. I flipped through the jeans again. I pretended I was reading a price tag.
I looked up, and saw Anna standing with Diane by a rack at the back of the store. She was looking at me.
Then she bit her lip and looked away.
I turned around, bumping into the rack, which gave a protesting wheeze. I walked away fast, heading toward the ATM. I stopped halfway there, my eyes stinging, hot with tears I wasn't going to shed. Not here. Not now.
I turned back toward the main part of the mall again, blindly trying to get away from everything, even myself, and saw Anna standing there, hands clenched tight around the shopping bags she was holding.
"Don't be mad," she said, her voice pleading. "I didn't know Diane was going to be here.
I ran into her right after I talked to you, and she wanted me to go with her to get some shoes and then look at jeans and I--"
"Didn't want to meet me anymore."
"That's not--Kate, come on. Would I be here if that was true?" She sounded so much like herself, so Anna, that I felt my eyes sting again. "Besides, you've actually saved me.
Shopping with Diane is--well, she's kind of. . . you know."
"Actually, I don't."
"Score one for you," Anna said, grinning. When I didn't grin back, she sighed. "The thing about Diane is that she's kind of insecure about everything. You wouldn't believe how much she obsesses over jeans.
She's convinced the back pockets make her butt look huge." She rolled her eyes at me the way she used to whenever someone like Diane would push past us like we didn't exist.
She was making fun of Diane. She knew Diane wasn't some amazing person just because she was popular and had the ability to make others feel like dirt! She was still my Anna.
I grinned back at her. "So she's afraid of back pockets?"
Anna's grin grew wider and she moved in closer, nudging my leg with one of the shopping bags she held.
"She is! This one time, we tried on jeans for something like four hours, and she--" Anna looked over her shoulder real fast, and then turned back to me. "She didn't like any of them until I said, 'Oh, I love these!' about some random pair. It was weird, like she needed me to want something so she could get it and I wouldn't be able to."
"Really?" Actually, it didn't sound weird to me. It sounded just like Diane, and I couldn't believe Anna would put up with it. She used to talk so bad about Diane every time we saw her that I thought Anna really hated her.
"Yeah, it's crazy. You want to sit down?"
"Sure," I said, and we sat on the bench where I'd waited before.
"So, I'm thinking of getting my hair cut really short," Anna said, looking around and then smiling at me. "I sort of fried it the first time I dyed it because I did it myself. Does it look totally weird blond?"
"No, it looks good." "Thanks. I'm always afraid Mom is going to drag out photos for Sam to see and it's like,
'Hi, Mom, let's not remind him I used to be a fat ass with bad hair."'
"You weren't ever--"
"Oh, please. I was disgusting. Fat and boring."
"Hey, that's my friend you're talking about."
She smiled at me again, but this time it was different, almost sad. "You're so nice to me, Kate. I--hey, is the mall closing?"
"What? Oh, yeah," I said, as the mall closing chimes dinged. "It's sad, but now that I work here, that sound is the best noise--"
"Oh no," she said, jumping up and grabbing her bags. "I totally forgot I was supposed to go home and hear about Mom's job search, and you know how she is when she thinks I'm ignoring her." She started frantically digging around in her purse. "Where are my keys? Where the hell--?"
"Here," I said, and took her purse. "I'll get them." They were in the bottom, stuck under her wallet just like always, except now she had a car key next to her house key. I'd seen Anna's car around and always wondered what it would be like to ride in it. Maybe I'd find out now.
"This sucks," she said when I handed them to her. "I don't want to go, but Mom--"
"I know." I did. Anna's mom was intense, and not in a good way. She loved Anna and didn't care much about anything else, which meant Anna got whatever she wanted but was also basically her mom's only friend, as well as her shrink.
"I want to give you a ride home, but I need to go. I hope you aren't mad, because I really don't want you to--"
"I'm not mad, and everything will be okay with your mom."
"Promise?" she said, like she always did whenever she was worried about talking to her mother.
"Promise," I said, just like always too, and she hugged me then, hard, saying, "I miss you so much, you have no idea. Thank you for putting up with me."
I felt pretty good after she left. Almost great, even. I would have to catch a ride home with Dad, but that wasn't a big deal. Anna talking to me--now that was a big deal. And it had been fun. It even felt like we'd never stopped talking at all, especially toward the end.
I walked back to the main part of the mall, which was now mostly empty, and then, for some reason, I stopped. I don't know why I did this, but I went back the way I came. I passed the store I'd seen Anna and Diane in, and Diane came out as I walked by.
She didn't seem to notice me, and I followed her past the bench I'd sat on with Anna, and then down to the door I'd seen Anna leave through. I pr
etended I was using the ATM as she went outside, and heard her say, "Okay, why were you acting so weird before? And where did you run off to?" as the mall door swung closed.
She had to be talking to Anna. The bottled-up tears from before stung my eyes again, and I leaned against the door until the feeling passed, telling myself not to look.
I did anyway.
There was nothing to see except a car out by the edge of the parking lot, pulling onto the road. I didn't try to see if I recognized it. I didn't want to.
Anna had talked to me. She missed me. That meant something. I knew it did.
It had to.
But part of me knew it didn't mean enough. A part of me hated how pathetic I was around Anna, how desperate I was to have her talk to me. I couldn't help myself, though. I missed her enough to take crap from her that I wouldn't take from anyone else because I wanted her to come back to me for real. Be my friend again for real, be the Anna who had always been part of my life.
Chapter nineteen
The next day, I ran into Will right after last period ended.
"Locker run," he said, like those two words explained something. Which they didn't, because I knew exactly where Will's locker was, and it wasn't here.
Obviously, however, I couldn't say that.
"I'm going to meet my ride," I said, and was sorry as soon as the words were out. What if Will thought I was asking him to walk with me? I didn't want to be pathetic.
More than usual, I mean.
He nodded. And walked with me! "Are you going to Jennifer T.'s party?" I didn't know Jennifer was having a party. I looked at him, to see if he was kidding, and he looked back at me, smiling, but there was something tentative, almost fragile, in his eyes. I looked away afraid that if I didn't I might do something stupid like tell him how much I liked him.
"I wasn't invited."
"I heard her ask you in first period."
Had she said something about a party? Now that he mentioned it, I did remember her babbling at me during biology, but I'd been so busy wondering if Anna would say anything to me (she hadn't, she didn't even look at me once all day) that I didn't really listen. "Oh, I thought you were talking about something else. But yeah, I think I might go."
Perfect You Page 9