And it’s okay
to order anything off the menu!
Buy drugs when he wants.
Buy a car. If it breaks
down, repair it. Or else
buy another. See that
boat? He might buy one
just like it. And sail it
around the Horn, looking
for company. He knows a girl
in Porto Alegre who’d love
to see him in
his own boat, sails full,
turn into the harbor for her.
A fellow who could afford
to come all this way
to see her. Just because
he liked the sound
of her laughter,
and the way she swings her hair.
Aspens
Imagine a young man, alone, without anyone.
The moment a few raindrops streaked his glass
he began to scribble.
He lived in a tenement with mice for company.
I loved his bravery.
Someone else a few doors down
played Segovia records all day.
He never left his room, and no one could blame him.
At night he could hear the other’s
typewriter going, and feel comforted.
Literature and music.
Everyone dreaming of Spanish horsemen
and courtyards.
Processions. Ceremony, and
resplendence.
Aspen trees.
Days of rain and high water.
Leaves hammered into the ground finally.
In my heart, this plot of earth
that the storm lights.
III
At Least
I want to get up early one more morning,
before sunrise. Before the birds, even.
I want to throw cold water on my face
and be at my work table
when the sky lightens and smoke
begins to rise from the chimneys
of the other houses.
I want to see the waves break
on this rocky beach, not just hear them
break as I did all night in my sleep.
I want to see again the ships
that pass through the Strait from every
seafaring country in the world —
old, dirty freighters just barely moving along,
and the swift new cargo vessels
painted every color under the sun
that cut the water as they pass.
I want to keep an eye out for them.
And for the little boat that plies
the water between the ships
and the pilot station near the lighthouse.
I want to see them take a man off the ship
and put another up on board.
I want to spend the day watching this happen
and reach my own conclusions.
I hate to seem greedy—I have so much
to be thankful for already.
But I want to get up early one more morning, at least.
And go to my place with some coffee and wait.
Just wait, to see what’s going to happen.
The Grant
It’s either this or bobcat hunting
with my friend Morris.
Trying to write a poem at six this
morning, or else running
behind the hounds with
a rifle in my hands.
Heart jumping in its cage.
I’m 45 years old. No occupation.
Imagine the luxuriousness of this life.
Try and imagine.
May go with him if he goes
tomorrow. But may not.
My Boat
My boat is being made to order. Right now it’s about to leave
the hands of its builders. I’ve reserved a special place
for it down at the marina. It’s going to have plenty of room
on it for all my friends: Richard, Bill, Chuck, Toby, Jim, Hayden,
Gary, George, Harold, Don, Dick, Scott, Geoffrey, Jack,
Paul, Jay, Morris, and Alfredo. All my friends! They know who
they are.
Tess, of course. I wouldn’t go anyplace without her.
And Kristina, Merry, Catherine, Diane, Sally, Annick, Pat,
Judith, Susie, Lynne, Annie, Jane, Mona.
Doug and Amy! They’re family, but they’re also my friends,
and they like a good time. There’s room on my boat
for just about everyone. I’m serious about this!
There’ll be a place on board for everyone’s stories.
My own, but also the ones belonging to my friends.
Short stories, and the ones that go on and on. The true
and the made-up. The ones already finished, and the ones still
being written.
Poems, too! Lyric poems, and the longer, darker narratives.
For my painter friends, paints and canvases will be on board
my boat.
We’ll have fried chicken, lunch meats, cheeses, rolls,
French bread. Every good thing that my friends and I like.
And a big basket of fruit, in case anyone wants fruit.
In case anyone wants to say he or she ate an apple,
or some grapes, on my boat. Whatever my friends want,
name it, and it’ll be there. Soda pop of all kinds.
Beer and wine, sure. No one will be denied anything, on
my boat.
We’ll go out into the sunny harbor and have fun, that’s the idea.
Just have a good time all around. Not thinking
about this or that or getting ahead or falling behind.
Fishing poles if anyone wants to fish. The fish are out there!
We may even go a little way down the coast, on my boat.
But nothing dangerous, nothing too serious.
The idea is simply to enjoy ourselves and not get scared.
We’ll eat and drink and laugh a lot, on my boat.
I’ve always wanted to take at least one trip like this,
with my friends, on my boat. If we want to
we’ll listen to Schumann on the CBC.
But if that doesn’t work out, okay,
we’ll switch to KRAB, The Who, and the Rolling Stones.
Whatever makes my friends happy! Maybe everyone
will have their own radio, on my boat. In any case,
we’re going to have a big time. People are going to have fun,
and do what they want to do, on my boat.
The Poem I Didn’t Write
Here is the poem I was going to write
earlier, but didn’t
because I heard you stirring.
I was thinking again
about that first morning in Zurich.
How we woke up before sunrise.
Disoriented for a minute. But going
out onto the balcony that looked down
over the river, and the old part of the city.
And simply standing there, speechless.
Nude. Watching the sky lighten.
So thrilled and happy. As if
we’d been put there
just at that moment.
Work
FOR JOHN GARDNER, D. SEPTEMBER 14, 1982
Love of work. The blood singing
in that. The fine high rise
of it into the work. A man says,
I’m working. Or, I worked today.
Or, I’m trying to make it work.
Him working seven days a week.
And being awakened in the morning
by his young wife, his head on the typewriter.
The fullness before work.
The amazed understanding after.
Fastening his helmet.
Climbing onto his motorcycle
and thinking about home.
And work. Yes, work. The going
<
br /> to what lasts.
In the Year 2020
Which of us will be left then —
old, dazed, unclear —
but willing to talk about our dead friends?
Talk and talk, like an old faucet leaking.
So that the young ones,
respectful, touchingly curious,
will find themselves stirred
by the recollections.
By the very mention of this name
or that name, and what we did together.
(As we were respectful, but curious
and excited, to hear someone tell
about the illustrious dead ahead of us.)
Of which of us will they say
to their friends,
he knew so and so! He was friends with_____
and they spent time together.
He was at that big party.
Everyone was there. They celebrated
and danced until dawn. They put their arms
around each other and danced
until the sun came up.
Now they’re all gone.
Of which of us will it be said —
he knew them? Shook hands with them
and embraced them, stayed overnight
in their warm houses. Loved them!
Friends, I do love you, it’s true.
And I hope I’m lucky enough, privileged enough,
to live on and bear witness.
Believe me, I’ll say only the most
glorious things about you and our time here!
For the survivor there has to be something
to look forward to. Growing old,
losing everything and everybody.
The Juggler at Heaven’s Gate
FOR MICHAEL CIMINO
Behind the dirty table where Kristofferson is having
breakfast, there’s a window that looks onto a nineteenth-century
street in Sweetwater, Wyoming. A juggler
is at work out there, wearing a top hat and a frock coat,
a little reed of a fellow keeping three sticks
in the air. Think about this for a minute.
This juggler. This amazing act of the mind and hands.
A man who juggles for a living.
Everyone in his time has known a star,
or a gunfighter. Somebody, anyway, who pushes somebody
around. But a juggler! Blue smoke hangs inside
this awful café, and over that dirty table where two
grownup men talk about a woman’s future. And something,
something about the Cattlemen’s Association.
But the eye keeps going back to that juggler.
That tiny spectacle. At this minute, Ella’s plight
or the fate of the emigrants
is not nearly so important as this juggler’s exploits.
How’d he get into the act, anyway? What’s his story?
That’s the story I want to know. Anybody
can wear a gun and swagger around. Or fall in love
with somebody who loves somebody else. But to juggle
for God’s sake! To give your life to that.
To go with that. Juggling.
My Daughter and Apple Pie
She serves me a piece of it a few minutes
out of the oven. A little steam rises
from the slits on top. Sugar and spice —
cinnamon—burned into the crust.
But she’s wearing these dark glasses
in the kitchen at ten o’clock
in the morning—everything nice —
as she watches me break off
a piece, bring it to my mouth,
and blow on it. My daughter’s kitchen,
in winter. I fork the pie in
and tell myself to stay out of it.
She says she loves him. No way
could it be worse.
Commerce
A swank dinner. Food truly wonderful
and plenty of it. It was the way I always dreamed
it would be. And it just kept coming
while we talked about the bottom line.
Even when we weren’t talking about it,
it was there—in the oysters, the lamb,
the sauces, the fine white linen, the cutlery
and goblets. It said, Here is your life, enjoy.
This is the poem I wanted to live to write! Then
to come upon the spirit in a flaming dessert —
the streaks of fire shooting up, only to drop
back, as if exhausted.
Driving home afterwards, my head aswim
from overeating. What a swine! I deserve
everything that fellow’s going to say about me.
Falling asleep in my pants on top of the covers.
But not before thinking about wolves,
a sultry day in the woods.
My life staked down in the clearing.
When I try to turn my head to reveal
the fleshy neck, I can’t move.
I don’t have the energy. Let them go
for the belly, those brother wolves
with the burning eyes.
To have come this far in a single night!
But then I never knew when to stop.
The Fishing Pole of the Drowned Man
I didn’t want to use it at first.
Then I thought, no, it would
give up secrets and bring me luck —
that’s what I needed then.
Besides, he’d left it behind for me
to use when he went swimming that time.
Shortly afterwards, I met two women.
One of them loved opera and the other
was a drunk who’d done time
in jail. I took up with one
and began to drink and fight a lot.
The way this woman could sing and carry on!
We went straight to the bottom.
A Walk
I took a walk on the railroad track.
Followed that for a while
and got off at the country graveyard
where a man sleeps between
two wives. Emily van der Zee,
Loving Wife and Mother,
is at John van der Zee’s right.
Mary, the second Mrs van der Zee,
also a Loving Wife, to his left.
First Emily went, then Mary.
After a few years, the old fellow himself.
Eleven children came from these unions.
And they, too, would all have to be dead now.
This is a quiet place. As good a place as any
to break my walk, sit, and provide against
my own death, which comes on.
But I don’t understand, and I don’t understand.
All I know about this fine, sweaty life,
my own or anyone else’s,
is that in a little while I’ll rise up
and leave this astonishing place
that gives shelter to dead people. This graveyard.
And go. Walking first on one rail
and then the other.
My Dad’s Wallet
Long before he thought of his own death,
my dad said he wanted to lie close
to his parents. He missed them so
after they went away.
He said this enough that my mother remembered,
and I remembered. But when the breath
left his lungs and all signs of life
had faded, he found himself in a town
512 miles away from where he wanted most to be.
My dad, though. He was restless
even in death. Even in death
he had this one last trip to take.
All his life he liked to wander,
and now he had one more place to get to.
The undertaker said he’d arrange it,
not to worry. Some poor light
from
the window fell on the dusty floor
where we waited that afternoon
until the man came out of the back room
and peeled off his rubber gloves.
He carried the smell of formaldehyde with him.
He was a big man, this undertaker said.
Then began to tell us why
he liked living in this small town.
This man who’d just opened my dad’s veins.
How much is it going to cost? I said.
He took out his pad and pen and began
to write. First, the preparation charges.
Then he figured the transportation
of the remains at 22 cents a mile.
But this was a round-trip for the undertaker,
don’t forget. Plus, say, six meals
and two nights in a motel. He figured
some more. Add a surcharge of
$210 for his time and trouble,
and there you have it.
He thought we might argue.
There was a spot of color on
each of his cheeks as he looked up
from his figures. The same poor light
fell in the same poor place on
the dusty floor. My mother nodded
as if she understood. But she
hadn’t understood a word of it.
None of it had made any sense to her,
beginning with the time she left home
with my dad. She only knew
that whatever was happening
was going to take money.
She reached into her purse and brought up
my dad’s wallet. The three of us
in that little room that afternoon.
Our breath coming and going.
We stared at the wallet for a minute.
Nobody said anything.
All the life had gone out of that wallet.
It was old and rent and soiled.
But it was my dad’s wallet. And she opened
it and looked inside. Drew out
a handful of money that would go
toward this last, most astounding, trip.
IV
Ask Him
Reluctantly, my son goes with me
through the iron gates
of the cemetery in Montparnasse.
“What a way to spend a day in Paris!”
is what he’d like to say. Did, in fact, say.
He speaks French. Has started a conversation
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