She threw her arm over her eyes and, in the darkness, admitted what she’d been afraid to until now. She would have the baby she wanted, Will’s baby. She couldn’t have children of her own, wasn’t this the next best thing? After all, Tia’s DNA was as near to hers as was possible.
It was almost their child.
Tia would move to Brighton. They would bring the baby up as theirs. Nobody would ever know.
34
Ellie finally went to bed around midnight, only to toss and turn fitfully until morning. The phone didn’t ring once and when she still hadn’t heard anything by nine she began to worry.
A mug of coffee in hand, she switched on the radio to listen to the news and try to drown out the voices in her head. There were no reports of major disasters, no earth-shattering events that could have prevented their arrival at the hospital. She sipped her drink. There could only be one reason she hadn’t heard from them. Complications.
The mug crashed to the table with a bang, coffee shooting up to splash her jumper. What if Tia died? It happened. Their mother had died in childbirth, after all. A feeling of intense sorrow hit her. If Tia died, how would she feel? Bereft. The word came without hesitation. She’d always resented being a twin, but it was who she was. The thought made her shiver. If Tia died, she wasn’t sure who she’d be.
She frowned. And the ramifications of her death? They’d be a nightmare. What would they do? They’d have to admit the truth and open the floodgates. It would be a catastrophe.
Her frown deepened. What if something were wrong with the baby? She held her hand over her mouth as the horror of that thought struck her. Their baby. Right at that moment, it didn’t seem to matter whose baby it was. As long as the child was well. ‘Please,’ she muttered, feeling tears gather once more.
Letting them fall, she reached for a cloth, mopped the spilt coffee and dabbed at the stain on her jumper before throwing it into the sink. Tears were still falling when, at last, the phone rang.
Wiping her eyes with the back of her hands, she let it ring three times before picking it up, steeling herself to hear bad news. ‘Hello?’
‘Ellie, it’s me,’ Will said.
He sounded exhausted. ‘Is everything okay? I thought I’d have heard from you ages ago.’
‘There were complications,’ he said.
Ellie, despite preparing herself for the worst, gasped.
‘It’s okay,’ he rushed out. ‘They’re both all right.’ His voice was gentler when he continued. ‘The baby is fine, and Tia will be when she’s recovered. She was bleeding and they couldn’t stop it. They had no choice but to do an emergency hysterectomy. But she’ll be fine.’
Ellie couldn’t find the words. Luckily, Will took her silence as shock and hurried to reassure her. ‘The doctors say she’ll be ok in a few days, Ellie, don’t worry. They were able to it non-invasively so there’ll be no scars to heal. She’ll be on her feet in no time.’
‘That’s good,’ was all Ellie could manage, relieved when Will said he had to go. She put the phone down with a trembling hand.
Her worries had been unfounded, they were both okay and she was pleased, of course, but she started laughing out of shock and at the utterly insane irony of it all, the laughter turning to tears and then back to laughter, the hysteria lasting for several minutes and leaving her weak.
Tia had had a hysterectomy – now they were more alike than ever.
Will arrived home three hours later. Ellie stood when she heard the door open and watched as he came through. He was pale, his eyes red and puffy, but he couldn’t hide the smile that curved his lips. She ran to him, holding him tightly, burying her head in his shoulder, wanting reassurance. For what, she wasn’t sure. ‘How is she?’ she asked, moving away but keeping her hands on his upper arms. Now that Tia was safe, now that she was sure she was okay, she needed the next part of their plan to fall into place.
He smiled. ‘She’s doing fine, don’t worry. They say she can come home soon.’
‘And the baby?’ She couldn’t hide the excitement in her voice.
‘He is beautiful,’ he said, grinning. His smile dimmed. ‘The nurse asked her if she wanted to breastfeed. Tia said she did.’
Ellie’s eyes widened. Her grip on his arms tightened.
‘It’s okay,’ he said, ‘It didn’t happen. Tia tried but the baby screamed blue murder and eventually the nurse took him away. They said she could try again later but I think the experience frightened her and she shook her head when they suggested it again. She’s bottle-feeding him.’
Ellie couldn’t hide her relief, but Will didn’t seem to notice. ‘She was managing the bottle-feed without any problems when I left. She’s a bit weak after the operation, of course,’ he said carefully. ‘It’s going to take her a while to get her strength back.’
‘Of course.’ Stepping back into his arms, she held him tight, feeling his arms snake around her with relief.
The worst was over.
35
Three days later, Tia and the baby came home. Will managed to get parking right outside the house, the car pulling up just as Ellie peered out the sitting room window to see if there was any sign of them. She watched as he jumped out of the car and rushed around to open the passenger seat, saw him bend to help Tia out, keeping an arm around her as she moved toward the gate. He left her holding onto it for support while he went back for the baby.
He returned with the carrycot, holding it as if he’d been doing it for years. At the gate, he stopped beside Tia and, with a shared smile, both of them peered into the cot. Ellie, hidden behind the curtain, felt pain engulf her, unable to stop a cry of despair at being excluded from this emotional homecoming that should have been hers. It would never be hers. ‘Never,’ she muttered, gulping, her eyes fixed on her husband, her sister and their child.
They hadn’t moved. Tia was saying something, she thought she could hear Will’s gentle laugh in response. She wanted to look away, to move away, but she was rooted to the spot by jealousy, bitterness and a terrifying sense of fear. She reached out to grip the curtain, her knuckles white. They looked so damn good together.
She took a deep breath and released it, letting go of the drapes and smoothing the creased curtain before stepping away, straightening her shoulders and taking another couple of deep breaths. She’d get through this. The firm belief that things would return to normal once Tia was gone was her mantra, the only thing that enabled her to get up in the morning. She refused to listen to the little voice that whispered things would never be the same again.
The click of the front door opening was loud in the uneasy silence of the house. As she stood, composing herself, Ellie heard the hallway filling with laughter and cooing and Will’s deep voice. Such excitement. She’d never felt so lonely in her life.
She waited a moment, her hand resting on the doorknob before pulling it open with an inane grin on her face. ‘Hello,’ she said, moving forward to give her sister a hug, pulling back to look at her, noting the paleness of her face, the circles under her eyes. ‘You must be exhausted.’
‘She is,’ Will said, ‘we both are. A cup of tea would go down well.’
Ellie blinked. We both are. For a moment, she felt disorientated, confused, as if the world had changed and nobody had told her. She brushed the thought away. ‘Yes, of course,’ she managed. ‘Let me see the baby first and I’ll go and put the kettle on.’
‘Of course,’ he smiled, turning the carrycot in her direction. ‘Isn’t he just gorgeous,’ he said, reaching down to touch one fat, round cheek.
The baby chose that moment to open his mouth and wail. For such a tiny scrap, the noise level in the hall was incredible. Both parents smiled at the demonstration of their son’s vocal strength. ‘What a pair of lungs he has.’ Will beamed.
Ellie looked down at the crying baby and thought she’d never seen anything so beautiful in her life. Then she saw Will’s proud face and Tia’s satisfied expression and felt a lump in her throat.
‘He’s just gorgeous,’ she managed, before stepping back and adding, ‘I’ll go make that tea.’
Tia followed her into the kitchen, taking her seat on the sofa in the living room as if she’d never been away, her hand reaching automatically for the remote control. Moments later, the room was filled with noise as the TV blared and Will came through from the hallway, the wailing baby now in his arms. Hands trembling as she filled the kettle, Ellie tried to shut it all out.
She made tea, filling three mugs, adding sugar to Will’s and extra milk to Tia’s. The wailing had stopped and, with a sigh, Ellie picked up a mug and brought it across to Tia. ‘Here you—’ She stopped abruptly, her mouth dropping open, the mug tilting slightly so that hot tea slopped over the edge, burning her hand. And still she couldn’t move, couldn’t take her eyes from the sight of Tia with the baby in the crook of her arms, a bottle tilted to a mouth that guzzled as if he couldn’t ever get enough.
‘He was hungry,’ Tia said, shifting herself slightly on the sofa.
‘Yes,’ Ellie said, unable to think of another word, unable to take her eyes away from the picture of maternal bliss. Finally, with a shake of her head, she put the tea down on a table within reach and turned away.
She took her tea to the sitting room hoping to find Will sitting there, needing some time with him, some reassurance in the face of all this change. The room was empty. She could go to look for him but, with a sigh, chose instead to sit, sip her tea and wait for him to come and find her.
He did come eventually, opening the door quietly, smiling when he saw her. He had the tea she’d made him in one hand, a piece of cake in the other, crumbs dropping to the floor.
She smiled at his untidiness. Not everything had changed.
He took it as a good sign and sat down beside her. Putting his tea down, he took her free hand in his. ‘You okay?’ he asked looking at her with concern.
‘Fine,’ she said, squeezing his hand, feeling him squeeze back. For a moment it was like old times. Just for a moment. Then she heard it.
‘Will, are you there?’
Instantly, he released his grip on her hand. ‘I’ll go see what she wants and be right back,’ he said. But he wasn’t. Ellie sat until the light began to fade before getting up. Dinner needed to be organised. She’d forgotten to take anything suitable from the freezer. It would be takeaway again. Running her hands though her hair, she felt a reluctance to go next door where she’d probably find Will sitting with Tia and the baby. She felt like an intruder in her own home, in her own marriage, in her own life. Could she survive this for much longer? She wasn’t sure.
She braced herself and opened the kitchen door. Tia still sat reclined on the sofa while Will paced up and down, the baby lying across his shoulder, his big hand gently rubbing its back.
He saw her. ‘Sorry,’ he said, keeping his voice low, ‘Poor little fella’s got wind.’
Unable to stop herself, she lifted her hand and laid it on the baby’s warm, downy head before meeting Will’s eyes. ‘He’s so beautiful,’ she said softly.
They stood a moment, the three of them, and Ellie felt a moment’s peace before the mood was broken by Tia calling from the sofa.
‘I’ll take him now,’ she said and Will immediately took the baby to her and laid him in her arms.
Ellie bit her lip and moved back to the kitchen. ‘I’m getting a takeaway for dinner,’ she said, pulling open the drawer and taking out the well-used sheaf of menus. ‘Anybody got a preference?’ She shoved the drawer closed with her hip, the sound loud enough to startle the baby who immediately started to wail.
‘Oh, for goodness sake, Ellie,’ Will snapped, ‘look what you’ve done.’
Look what you’ve done, mate, she thought and then shook her head. ‘I’ll order Italian,’ she said over the baby’s cries, ‘the usual unless anyone has any other preference.’ She didn’t wait for a reply and, taking the menu with her, she left the kitchen to make the call in the relative quiet of the hallway.
By the time it arrived, calm had been restored and the baby was asleep in his cot. Ellie dished the food up onto warmed plates and brought them to the table. Opening a bottle of wine, she poured a large glass for herself and a smaller one for Will. She picked up her fork, pulled her face into a smile and looked at him as he took his seat. ‘What are we going to call him?’ she said, twirling spaghetti around her fork with practised ease. ‘We can’t keep calling him the baby, can we?’
Tia looked up from her carbonara. ‘We don’t call him the baby,’ she said, ‘we call him Bill.’
Pasta fell from the loaded fork that was just inches from Ellie’s mouth. ‘Bill?’ She looked from one to the other, noticing the slight blush on Will’s face and felt a rising tide of emotion cross her own. ‘Ah.’
‘We thought we’d stick to tradition. You know, calling the first son after his father,’ said Will.
She closed her eyes for a second. Was he even aware what he’d just said? ‘First son?’ she said, raising her eyebrows.
Will put his knife and fork down. ‘You know what I meant, Ellie.’ He pushed his barely touched food away and stood, holding onto the back of his chair, looking down at her. ‘It was just an expression,’ he said, his voice gentler, ‘you know, like from the Bible; the first-born son.’
She put the reloaded fork into her mouth and pulled it away clean, then stabbed it back into the plate of pasta and focused on twirling the spaghetti around the tines. She felt him move away, watching from the corner of her eye as he went to the cot and looked down at his child. Bill. She hated the name.
Lifting her fork again, Ellie caught and held Tia’s gaze across the table. Her lips were pressed together, eyes hard. She looked annoyed, even a little angry. Putting her fork down, Ellie closed her eyes for a second before looking back at her sister, a question on her lips that died when she saw Tia wearing her usual expression. Nothing more.
She shook her head. The stress was getting to her. She toyed with the pasta for a few seconds and then pushed the plate away. Without a word, she picked up her glass and left the room.
In the sitting room, she didn’t turn on the lights, the dark silence suiting her mood. She finished the wine, sat back and hoped Will would come to find her. She wasn’t sure what she’d do if he didn’t.
She was only waiting a few minutes before the door opened and he came in. ‘You managed to drag yourself away, did you?’ she said, her words sharp and cold to disguise the hurt in her eyes
Instead of taking the chair opposite as she had expected, he sat beside her, put an arm around her shoulders and pulled her to him. She resisted briefly before relaxing against him with a tired sigh. ‘What have we done?’
Perhaps he was happy to hear the we rather than you, because he said nothing for a moment. And then, she felt his lips brush her hair. ‘I know this is hard, Ellie,’ he said. ‘It’ll just be for another few months, honestly.’
I want it to be just you and me, the way it was. That’s what she wanted to say. But what was the point? Things were never going to be as they were.
‘A couple of months,’ she conceded, ‘no more than that.’
36
A couple of months. Will smiled in relief. By then, it would be easier. Tia would have completely recovered and Ellie would have formed a bond with Bill. He’d seen how her eyes softened when she looked at him. It was only a matter of time.
He’d explain to Tia and she could move to Brighton; he’d tell her it was important that the baby stayed with him. She’d understand. And everything would return to a version of normal. He shut his eyes briefly. If he said it often enough, he might start to believe it was all going to be that easy.
‘How about another glass of wine?’ he said.
‘Yes, please,’ she answered, pulling away from his embrace to allow him to get up.
He took her glass and went back to the kitchen. Tia was still sitting with her elbows on the table, chin resting in her cupped hands. She l
ooked pale. ‘You okay,’ he asked, feeling guilty that he hadn’t helped her back to the sofa. ‘Let me give you a hand,’ he said, putting an arm around her. ‘You’ll be more comfortable on the sofa, you can put your feet up.’
She stopped at the cot where Bill was awake, lying quietly. ‘He’s so sweet, isn’t he?’
Will smiled at her. ‘Sweet,’ he agreed. He felt her hand slip into his and, for a moment, he held it before guilt shot through him and he pulled away.
Tia didn’t seem to notice, her attention now on her child. She bent and picked him up, supporting the head just like she’d been shown and holding him close to her as she shuffled the last couple of steps.
Will made sure everything she wanted was at hand before leaving her. ‘You sure you’re all right?’
‘I’m a little tired,’ she said, looking up from the baby.
He frowned. Maybe she should be in bed? ‘Do you want me to help you up to bed?’ he asked.
Tia shook her head. ‘Not yet.’
A last look at Bill, nestling comfortably in her arms, and he turned away. If he wasn’t careful, Ellie would arrive looking for the wine he’d promised her several minutes ago. He breathed a sigh of frustration. He wanted to be with her, he wanted to be with his child. There was no easy answer.
He took a bottle of wine from the fridge. ‘Give a yell if you need anything,’ he said to Tia before he left. At the door, he looked back; unusually she hadn’t turned on the television, instead she was cooing softly down at the baby.
He gulped, opened the door and stepped into the hallway, staying there for a few minutes overwhelmed with regret. It should be Ellie cooing over their baby. This should be a happy time. Turning to the door he’d just shut, he reached for the knob to open it. He’d take his son from Tia and go to Ellie. The spurt of determination faded as quickly as it had come and he released the knob and turned again to lean against the door. Caught between the Devil and the deep blue sea, he thought, his eyes on the door to the sitting room.
Secrets Between Us Page 17