by Zoe York
Watch me work, her body language said, but don’t expect anything else.
Okay. Message received. But he didn’t understand why.
Natasha poured Matt his third drink of the night, this one a cola.
He hadn’t tried to talk to her yet, but she could feel it coming. She was relieved when one of the waitresses came to take over for her at the bar so she could take her break.
“Take fifteen,” she said. “Malcolm’s working on a new soup in the kitchen if you want to be a taste tester.”
“Thanks,” she murmured. “I’m going to grab some fresh air first.”
It was a mistake as soon as she’d said it, though. She felt Matt look up from the remnants of his dinner.
Fine. She probably owed him some explanation anyway. Or maybe she didn’t owe him anything, but she wanted to be alone with him for a minute.
Either way, this would be the end.
“If you need me, I’ll be in the alley out back,” she added to her boss.
She headed straight down the hallway, past the bathrooms and the kitchen, to the heavy metal door to the quiet space behind the bar.
Matt pushed through the same door thirty seconds later. “Funny running into you here,” he said as she gave him a half-wave.
“It’s a small town.”
“Mmm.” He grinned.
“So…”
“Yes?”
“You sent me a text today.”
“And you didn’t reply.”
“Yeah. About that…”
He walked a few paces closer and leaned against the brick wall. “Too much?”
“Too complicated.”
“It’s just a meal. Everyone has to eat, so we could do it together. Lunch was one idea. Dinner on your night off might be another.”
She dragged in a deep breath. It was hard to think when he pinned that easy, warm gaze on her. “I use up a hundred and ten percent of my babysitting favours from my sister for covering my shifts. I can’t ask her to watch Emily while I go on a date.”
“Then let’s go out the three of us.”
“I can’t.” This time she didn’t bother to throw out an excuse. It was the truth, and anything else might muddy it.
He searched her face. “Why am I getting the feeling that there’s another reason?”
She didn’t want to lie to him. He’d been kind to her daughter and sweet to her. Hurt welled up in her chest and jammed into her throat. She nodded roughly. “There is.”
“What is it?” His gaze bored into her, and there was no more hiding.
“The county is a small place,” she whispered. “We have a shared past I wish I’d realized sooner.” Before she’d gotten carried away by imaginary promises, easy smiles, and the gentle way he played with her daughter.
“Look, if you know someone I’ve hung out with in the past, that’s all that is—the past. I’m a friendly guy, but I never promise anything beyond a good time. And it’s been a while since I’ve done that, too.”
“What? No, it’s not…” She waved her hand. “I don’t know anyone you’ve dated.” Quite the opposite, in fact.
“Okay…and there’s something here between us, isn’t there? Something more than a good time?”
There was definitely something between them. That’s what made this so hard. Tell him about Jake, her inner conscience said. Get it over with. She didn’t say anything.
He leaned in and braced his arm against the wall beside her head, and pitched his voice lower. “I was thinking we could have a romantic picnic for three. Pink lemonade for Emily, hard lemonade for us, and a bonfire if it gets cold.”
Her heart squeezed. No, not a smart idea. “I’m not a solid bet for a good time, what with the three-year-old chaperone.”
“Maybe my idea of a good time is shifting.”
“I slept with your brother,” she blurted out, and even though her heart was pounding a mile a minute, she didn’t miss the shock and disbelief that rolled across his face. She sucked in a shallow, desperate breath and forged ahead because it needed to be said. “I didn’t put two and two together at first, but when you gave me your last name, I realized you’re Jake’s brother.”
“Jake.” He gave her a slow, searching look. Confusion now instead of disbelief. “Jake’s happily married.”
Wow. Yeah, he would be. Time marches on, and he’d made it clear that he’d fallen in love with someone. But it still hurt a little to know he had the happy relationship she’d wanted and never managed to hold on to. She shoved that feeling away and nodded. “Before that. Before…Emily, too.” She swallowed hard. “I used to work in Elliot Lake, at a hunting lodge he’d come up to.”
Matt’s eyes went wide, and she could see him put the pieces together.
Had his brother ever talked about her before the incident? The hot piece of ass at the hunting lodge who flirted shamelessly for tips? They’d had a casual flirtation that stretched over a year, whenever she was in an off-again phase with David. But it never went anywhere until one night he’d shown up unexpectedly. A friend had died, another was in the hospital, and he’d been out of his mind with grief.
She’d mistakenly thought he might want to do it again, but she’d been wrong.
Then she found out she was pregnant. And for a hot minute, she’d wondered if maybe there was a way it could be Jake’s child.
“You’re…” He huffed a short, disbelieving laugh and stepped back. So he did know about her. Great.
“His needy knocked-up friend? Yeah. That’s me.”
Matt frowned. “That wasn’t what I was going to say.”
It was the truth, though. She’d known that David wouldn’t want the baby to be his, so she’d let herself hope it might be Jake’s, even though the chances weren’t nearly as good.
Jake Foster had been a friend when she needed one, but that kindness came at a cost—when everyone found out that Jake had a female friend who was pregnant and in trouble. She hadn’t known he’d already moved on to another woman, a woman he loved with his whole heart. Natasha had just wanted her child to have a father, so she’d latched on to the fact that Jake was a good man and forgotten for a short period of time that he wasn’t the right man.
His rejection of her had been embarrassing and public.
When she’d pushed her luck and reached out again, Jake had been less than impressed. “It’s what your brother would say if you asked him.”
Matt’s jaw flexed, and his eyes darkened, but he didn’t retreat further. “I hope that’s not true.” He moved in closer again, his dark gaze liquid as he searched her face. “And I don’t care about what he thinks.”
“I didn’t know that you were his brother,” she whispered. “If I had, I never would have invited you to come to the park with us.”
“We didn’t do anything wrong.” He dipped his head like he might kiss her, and oh God, she wanted that.
She wanted that so much it hurt.
But they couldn’t. She planted her hand on his chest and pushed. He moved back immediately, giving her some space, and the look on his face matched the twisted ache in her chest.
“I need to get back to work.” She ducked her head and stepped past him.
He didn’t reach out to stop her, and that hurt, too. She wanted him to grab her and push her against the wall. Wanted his hands on her body, his mouth on her skin, like a demand. I can’t give myself to you. Take what you will. But he wouldn’t.
He closed in behind her, catching the door so he could hold it open. She stepped back into the warm, noisy hall at the back of the pub and took a deep breath.
When she turned around to say goodbye, he was right there, and she was in his arms.
Big, strong, solid arms. Wide, sure hands pressed against her back.
Her heart hammered in her chest as she leaned into him. She couldn’t, wouldn’t kiss him. But a hug…friends hugged, right? She could sink into the broad strength of his chest for just a second.
“I only have on
e regret about yesterday,” he murmured. “I don’t regret meeting you, or spending the afternoon together, or even giving you my last name.” Her heart pounded in her chest as his lips brushed the curve of her ear. “I’m sorry we didn’t use the chocolate icing.”
She pulled back, lifting her face in surprise. “Why?” she found herself asking, even though what she should be saying was stop or enough, even though it would never be enough and she definitely didn’t want him to stop.
He brought his hand to her cheek in a gentle caress. “Because you deserve some things to be just for you.” He rolled his lower lip through his teeth and shook his head. “I know you need to go back to work. But if things were different, I’d be kissing you right now.”
She could feel how it would be, too. His lips on hers, soft at first, then more demanding. “It would be good.”
“Are you kidding? There’s no point pretending I don’t have a ton of experience in this area. It would be great.”
She laughed. “I know. I’m missing out.”
His gaze dropped to her mouth, then dragged back up her face. “Nah. I’m the one who’s missing out. Tonight, anyway. I’m not sure this is as much of a deal-breaker as you think.”
It had to be. She wanted to curl up into a tight ball of nothing when it came to Jake Foster and his perfect life. “It’s too weird for me,” she whispered. Not the whole truth, but close enough.
Matt gave her a soft look. “Ah, Natasha.” So much was loaded into those two words. “I hope you reconsider. I like you a lot.”
“Thank you,” she whispered. What else could she say? She still had complicated, messy feelings when it came to his brother? That could only be misinterpreted badly.
“Have a good rest of your shift, okay?”
“Yeah.”
This time when he stepped back, it was for good. She watched him duck back out the door to the alley, removing himself from her life exactly as she’d asked him to. The door clicked shut with a definitive, painful click. She took a second to mourn the lost opportunity of a kiss that didn’t happen and a friendship that wouldn’t get a chance to bloom.
Then she smoothed her hands over her jeans. Okay. Back to real life.
Chapter Six
Matt drove home Thursday night, wrote a long email to Owen Kincaid so he wouldn’t forget the key points from the course, then racked out hard. On Friday he woke up early and swung past Mac’s for coffee on his way to meet Sean and Tom for the as-promised punishing workout.
But when he walked into the diner and saw Jake and Dani sitting in a booth with their baby boy, he regretted making the stop.
What was there to say? So, funny story…I met a woman this week, and it turns out, you’ve already banged her and left her heart bruised, so she thinks she’s off-limits to me.
It wasn’t funny.
He also didn’t think she was actually off-limits.
On the other hand, he didn’t have the best track record to bring to the table as a loyal and understanding boyfriend. Or any kind of boyfriend, for that matter.
But he couldn’t shake the feeling of Natasha in his arms, and he wanted that again.
Just as that thought clanged through his head, his brother looked up. “Matt!”
Fucking hell. “Hey,” he said, his steps slowing as he approached their booth. “I’m just grabbing coffee and heading out.”
“How was the course?” Dani asked. She was a first responder, too, and if she weren’t on maternity leave right now, she’d probably have leapt at the opportunity to take the course.
She was good like that.
Matt liked Dani a lot. As a friend, as a colleague, and as a sister-in-law.
He liked his brother, too.
But for the first time in a long time, he looked at them now and saw their goodness, their wholesome happiness, in a new light.
Everyone in town had been aware of their relationship exploding, seemingly out of nowhere, into something serious. And then, just weeks after they started dating, there was another woman. A friend, Jake said, who’d been in a car accident and needed a place to stay for a few days because it turned out she was pregnant.
Not by Jake.
But there had been some question there. And for a few days, Matt’s straight-laced older brother had been the subject of rumour and intrigue, torn between two women. The one he’d slept with and the one he’d loved for years, from afar.
In the end, that had faded fast, because Jake wasn’t torn at all. When it came to love, there was only Dani for him, and everyone knew it.
Nobody had given two thoughts for where that left Natasha. She was gone and forgotten, not a part of their happy ever after.
And whoa, was it weird that Matt was suddenly thinking about happy ever anything.
Emily Kingsley, three years old, and her love of all things pink. That’s what had gotten under his skin. Natasha Kingsley and her bright, fierce gaze. That, too. There was something sweet about the two of them, something he’d never taken the time to see or value before.
Something he wanted, suddenly, with a clarity that kind of scared him.
Dani’s question echoed in his head. How was the course? Matt laughed, a little too harshly. “It was something,” he finally said. “Weird week.”
As he said it, a weight settled on his chest. It wasn’t the right answer. It didn’t feel good.
I met someone amazing, he wanted to say. Instead, he gestured to the counter and muttered about his coffee.
His brother and sister-in-law turned back to their baby, who was giggling through bites of toast. They were good people, Matt reminded himself. They didn’t know.
But he knew.
And something inside him started to burn.
By the time he got to the provincial park north of town, where the SAR team trained, he was ready to let off some serious steam.
It didn’t take long for Tom and Sean to notice. They warmed up quickly, then his brother gave them a quick interval cardio set to jack their heart rates up. Alternating push-ups and jump squats. Back and forth, back and forth, pushing hard and never quite catching their breath.
Four minutes had never felt quite so long, and when Sean’s timer beeped, Matt staggered over to his water bottle. “Excellent,” he rasped. “What’s next?”
“Rope climb,” his brother said calmly. “But take a minute of rest first.”
Matt prowled like a caged animal until Sean let him go, and then he sprinted for the climbing tower. Up he went, hand over hand, his shoulders burning in protest, his legs swinging heavily beneath him.
From the ground, Tom swore at him. Something about being unnecessarily competitive. Matt laughed. He wasn’t competing. He was excising demons he didn’t even know he had.
The last few pulls were agony, and when he got high enough to throw himself onto the platform, he was gasping for breath again.
It took another half-minute before Tom joined him, his friend stretching out on the top of the wooden platform.
“What’s gotten into you?” Tom finally asked.
Matt shrugged as he looked up at the sky. “Eh. Dunno.”
“Your brother is supposed to be kicking my ass, not you.”
“I guess I needed this more than I thought I did.”
“Maybe we should go out tonight. Burn off a different kind of energy.”
“Yeah, maybe.” For a wild, reckless second, he thought about suggesting they make the drive to Port Elgin. He knew a fun bar with a young crowd and a gorgeous bartender who wanted nothing to do with him, except when she was in his arms.
But he wasn’t ready to share Natasha yet. First he had to convince her they might be good together.
“We could just go to the pub.”
Matt nodded. Yeah. The Green Hedgehog in Lion’s Head was their usual place, although he hadn’t been there in ages since it was where women knew to look for him if they wanted a good time. He wasn’t that guy anymore. He’d traded good times for nightmares and sweaty r
uns at dawn. Guilt now ate at his insides the way lust once had.
“It’s been a while.” Tom said it levelly.
Matt still jerked his eyes up to meet his friend’s curious gaze. “Yeah.”
So Tom had noticed.
He scrubbed a hand over his face. Fucking hell, if his friend knew he wasn’t himself, he needed to rein in his emo bullshit. He was fine. “Let’s go out tonight. It has been too long.”
The weird burn in his gut sparked back to life.
Friday night at Bailey’s was a steady hum of groups at the tables and regulars at the bar. Natasha heard her phone vibrate from its perch next to the cash register, but she ignored it. When the next call rang out loud, that meant it was a repeat call from the same number—and at ten at night, it might be Meredith.
She held up her finger to tell the next customer she’d just be a minute, but the call wasn’t from her sister. She rolled her eyes as she looked at the screen. “Malcolm,” she called out. “Can you cover the bar for a minute?”
Her boss stuck his head out from the kitchen. “Sure.”
She took a deep breath and answered the call as she hustled down the back hallway. “David, I’m at work. What do you need?”
“I called to say goodnight to Emily.” First time ever without a direct invitation. Maybe fifth time total in three years.
She rolled her eyes. “It’s ten o’clock, and I work Friday nights.”
“Is ten too late?”
“She’s three. Yes.”
“Sorry.” But he said it flippantly, like he wasn’t at all, and she had to swallow her outrage.
“Do you want to call her tomorrow during the day?”
“Tomorrow’s jammed.” He hesitated. “I need to have more contact with her, though.”
No shit, Sherlock. “Well, that’s hard when your days are, as you say, jammed, and I work six nights a week. I’ve emailed you my schedule in the past, but I can forward that again. I’m home with her all day, every day, until five, and Monday nights, but she goes to bed at eight. That’s…” God, the mental math made her head hurt. She slammed through the door to the alley and blessed quiet. “Like eighty plus hours a week where you could have contact with your daughter, but you’ve chosen not to.”