“How do you know I have escaped it?” she asked softly as she looked at him across the table.
“Are you telling me something, Pilar?” he answered, surprised at the look in her eyes. There was something unhappy there, something unfulfilled that he had never seen there before, and then it was gone. It had been there for only the most fleeting moment. And then she looked like herself again, and he decided she was only tired.
“I’m just telling you that I don’t understand. I don’t understand what they feel and why … and why I’ve never felt it.”
“Maybe you will one day,” he said gently, but she laughed this time.
“Yeah. When I’m fifty. I think it’s a little too late for that even now.” She remembered her mother’s warning at their wedding.
“Not really, not if you really want it. Now me, however, that’s another matter entirely. You’d have to get me a wheelchair and a hearing aid as shower gifts if you ever had a baby.”
“Not likely, my love.” But a baby wasn’t likely either. She didn’t want a child, it had just startled her when Nancy had told her she was pregnant. For the first time in her life, she had felt the tiniest gnawing, the smallest emptiness, the briefest of questions, and then she reminded herself of all that she did have, and told herself she was crazy.
Christmas at the Goodes was always an intense affair. Gayle and Jack came every year with their three girls, because Jack’s parents had been much older and were both gone now. And Sam and Seamus came almost every year with their two, because Seamus’s family was so far away that most years they just couldn’t get to Ireland to see them. He was only too happy to stay at home, and spend Christmas Eve and Christmas Day in Pasadena with his in-laws. And the three sisters always had a good time. This year, of course, Diana and Andy were there. And when the three sisters were setting the table on Christmas Eve, Gayle nudged Diana and gave her a look that Diana had always hated. It was the same look Gayle had always given her when she knew Diana had gotten a bad grade, or burned the cookies she was supposed to take to Girl Scouts. It was a look that said you failed … you blew it, didn’t you? It was something that happened just between them, and Diana tried to pretend she didn’t understand, as she carefully folded the napkins.
“Well?” Gayle asked pointedly, as she put the plates on the table. “Come on …” She couldn’t believe her younger sister was that stupid. She had to know what she meant, but as she pressed her again, Sam started to look worried. She didn’t want them to fight on Christmas. “Are you pregnant yet?” Gayle asked pointedly. It was the bad grade again. She had really blown it this time, and Diana’s hand shook as she set the last lace napkin on a plate at their Christmas table. They were using the Christmas plates her mother used every year, there was a huge arrangement of red tulips in the middle of the table, and the table looked really lovely.
“No, I’m not pregnant yet, we just haven’t had time.” Of course not, we’ve only made love at the right time every month for six months, but she was damned if she would admit it to her sister. “We’ve both been too busy.”
“With what? Your career?” She said it as though Diana’s job were something she should be ashamed of. In Gayle’s opinion, real women stayed home and took care of their children. “You won’t fill that big house of yours like that, you know. You’d better get to it, kid. Time’s a-wastin’.”
Really? Diana thought. Whose? What was their damn hurry, and why did they have to ask her? She had been afraid of that this year. She had even suggested to Andy that they go to the Douglases this time, but he hadn’t been able to get away from the network, and they couldn’t not come if they were in L.A. Her parents would have been crushed and they wouldn’t have understood it.
“It’s no big deal,” Sam intervened, as she always had, the peacemaker putting oil on troubled waters. “You’ve got plenty of time. You’re both young. You’ll probably get pregnant next year.”
“Who’s pregnant? Not again!” Seamus asked, as he walked through the dining room on the way to the kitchen. “You girls, you get pregnant every time a man looks at you!” He rolled his eyes and shuddered, and they all laughed as he left and then stuck his head around the kitchen door again. “Is the bride pregnant?” he asked. It had just occurred to him, and Diana was quick to shake her head, wishing she had never come. Their questions were a knife in her heart, and for the first time in her life she hated them all, especially her sisters.
“No, I’m not, Seamus. Sorry.”
“Well, try again, m’dear … and try … and try … and try … What fun you’ll have! Lucky Andy!!” He disappeared again then, and Sam and Gayle laughed, but Diana didn’t. She went back into the kitchen herself, without saying a word, and went to help their mother.
And it was after dinner when the subject came up again, but this time it was Diana who asked the questions. She was sitting alone with Jack in the den while the others played charades in the living room, but she had wanted to be alone with her father by the fire. He had gone up to bed finally, and she was quietly rocking in her father’s favorite chair when Jack came in and sat down beside her.
“Everything all right with you?” he asked quietly, as he lit his pipe. He had watched her at dinner that night and he didn’t think she seemed happy.
“I’m okay.” And then she looked up at him with worried eyes, and decided to ask him. “Don’t say anything to Gayle, but I wanted—I wondered if I should come and talk to you … How long do you think it’s normal to take to get pregnant?” He couldn’t help but smile at the question.
“Two weeks … five seconds … two years … it’s different for everyone, Diana. You’ve only been married for six months, you’ve both got busy, stressful lives. I don’t think you should even think about it for a year. Some people say that two years without contraception and no pregnancy means you’ve got a problem, some think you ought to check it out after one. It takes most couples, with ideal conditions, about a year to get pregnant. If you were older, you might want to start getting worried after six months. But at your age, I’d give it a good year, maybe longer, before I started to worry.” She looked immensely relieved and she thanked him before Andy came into the room and joined them. They sat and talked for a long time, about the world economy, the continuing problems in the Middle East, their jobs, the coming year. And for the first time in months, Diana felt relieved and happy. Maybe there was hope after all, she thought to herself as they left, and she thanked her mother, and especially Jack. She hugged him, and he knew what she meant, as he smiled at her.
“Take care,” he said quietly, and then they left. The others were spending the night so that the children could have Christmas with their grandparents the next morning. But Diana hadn’t wanted to spend the night this year. She had wanted desperately to go home with Andy.
“You okay, sweetheart?” he asked as they drove home on the deserted freeway.
“I’m fine.” She smiled. And for the first time in months, she meant it. She snuggled up next to him, and they drove home in peaceful silence. It had been a long day, but a good one. And when they got home, they went to bed, and lay there talking softly about the dreams they shared. Diana felt happy and relaxed, and when they made love that night, for the first time in months she didn’t worry about getting pregnant. It was the wrong time of the month for that anyway, but it was a relief just to make love because they wanted to, without thinking of the date or time, their dreams, or their intentions.
“Oh God, I love you.…” Charlie whispered huskily to Barb, as he pulled her down next to him on the couch, and they made love again, with all the little Christmas lights on their tree blinking brightly at them.
“What is it with you?” she teased. “Do Christmas trees make you horny, or what?” It was the third time they’d made love that night, but he could never keep his hands off her. And she always wandered around with no clothes, her fabulous figure enticing him until she drove him crazy.
“I’m just nuts about you,”
he whispered into her hair as they lay side by side on the couch after they made love. He had already given her her present that night. It was a gold necklace with an amethyst on it. He knew she’d love it, because it was her birthstone. And she had given him a sweater and a tie, a bottle of French champagne, and a special cushion for his back, for his long commute on the freeway. He liked his gifts, though not as much as she liked hers. He had also bought her a black leather skirt, and a very sexy black sweater.
“How about if we drink some of your champagne?” Barbie sat up on one elbow and looked down at him with tired pleasure.
“Uh uh.” He pulled her back down next to him. “I’m saving that.”
“What for?” She was disappointed. She loved champagne, which was why she had bought it.
“I’m saving it for something important.”
“Like what? The way you’ve been acting tonight, I’d say Christmas was pretty important.”
He laughed and shook his head again. “Nope. I mean important. Like when you get the Academy Award, or at least a part in a Steven Spielberg picture … or your own series … or maybe our tenth anniversary … or”—he savored the last one—“when we have a baby.”
She looked annoyed when she sat up. “Well, I’m glad I’m not holding my breath for those events. It doesn’t sound like you’re ever going to drink it.”
“Sure I am.”
“Yeah? When? I hope you’re not saving it for a baby.” It made her mad when he brought that up. She didn’t want to be pressured.
“Why not, Barb?” He wanted one so badly. He wanted so much for them to become a family, and she just didn’t get it.
“Because I don’t want one. Believe me, I grew up surrounded by kids, and they’re a pain in the ass. I can tell you’ve never seen one.” She was much more outspoken with him now, about not wanting kids, than she had been before they were married.
“Yes, I have seen kids. I’ve been one too.” He tried to tease her, but she wasn’t amused. Babies did not amuse her.
“Besides, maybe we can’t even have one,” she said, hoping to scare him off, or at least deter him slightly, for the time being.
“Why not?” He looked shocked. It was the first he’d ever heard of it. She’d never said that before, or not nearly as bluntly. “Is something wrong? Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I don’t know if there’s anything wrong, but I’ve never been as sloppy about birth control as I am with you, you’re always sneaking up on me and not giving me time to take care of things … and even after a year and a half of that, I’ve never gotten pregnant.” He wanted to ask her if she had with anyone else, but he didn’t want to know, so he said nothing.
“That doesn’t mean anything. We’re probably not doing it at the right time. You can’t just do those things by accident, you know, and expect to get pregnant.” But she had before, three times before she left Salt Lake City, and twice in Vegas. She had never been very lucky. Except with Charlie, and more than once she’d wondered. It was either the combination of the two of them, or him, and knowing her own history, she suspected the latter, which didn’t bother her at all She was delighted, But she realized, as she looked at him, that she shouldn’t have said anything, at least not on Christmas Eve. He looked deeply worried.
“Have you ever gotten anyone pregnant?” she asked, as she poured them each a glass of wine, and held his out to him. She was still naked, and just seeing her like that brought on an erection. His reactions were certainly healthy.
“Not that anyone’s ever told me,” he said pensively, sipping at the wine and watching her.
“That doesn’t mean anything,” she said kindly, sorry she’d brought it up. It seemed unfair to worry him on Christmas. “Girls don’t always tell.”
“Don’t they?” He took another glass of wine, and then another, and after the third glass he got amorous again, but by then he’d had too much to drink, and Barbara led him off to bed, and got in beside him. “I love you,” he said to her, as he held her close, feeling her huge breasts pressed against his chest, just the way he loved it. She was so sensuous, and so wonderful and so willing. She was the perfect girl and he knew he loved her.
“I love you too.” She smoothed his hair like a child’s as he drifted off to sleep, and she held him, wondering why it meant so much to him to have a baby. She knew about the orphanage, and she had had her own problems, too, but the last thing she wanted in life was a family again, or the headache of a baby. “Sleep tight,” she whispered as she kissed him, but he was already fast asleep in her arms, dreaming of Christmas morning.
In May, Pilar invited Nancy to the house for lunch. Brad was playing golf, and Nancy’s husband was out of town for a few days. It was a nice chance for the two women to spend some time together.
Pilar made lunch, while her stepdaughter sat soaking up the sun on the terrace. She was hugely pregnant by then, her due date was only four weeks away, and to Pilar, she looked absolutely enormous. Nancy opened one eye, baking in the sun, as Pilar returned, carrying a tray. And in spite of her size, Nancy jumped up to help her. She was wearing white maternity shorts and a huge pink shirt, and up until only the week before, she and her husband had still been playing tennis.
“Sony, Pilar, here … let me help …” She took the tray from her, and helped set it down on the glass table. Pilar had made a big green salad, and some pasta. “Wow, this looks good.” Her appetite had been enormous for the past eight months, but she hadn’t gained an undue amount of weight and she still looked very pretty. In fact, Pilar had said to Brad recently, she looked even prettier now that she was pregnant. There was something softer and less angular about her face, something peaceful in her eyes. There was a kind of aura about her now, which intrigued Pilar. She had seen it in other women before, but she had no idea what it felt like. Just looking at Nancy suddenly intrigued her. It frightened her too. But more than that, Pilar was frightened by her own feelings. She seemed suddenly so different. And everything about Nancy fascinated her. She was gentler, less caustic, “mellower,” as her husband said. In a funny way, she had grown up in the past eight months, and she seemed less like a spoiled child herself now.
The two women sat down to lunch, and Pilar smiled as she watched her. Nancy looked as though she had a huge beachball concealed under her pink shirt. She could hardly get around it to reach for something on the table.
“How does all that feel?” Pilar asked with a mystified look. It was all so foreign to her. She had had pregnant friends before, but no one really close to her, and she had never paid much attention. Most of her friends had been of the generation that had opted for careers instead of babies. And those who had given in to nature’s beckonings had done so late in life, and by then they seemed to drift out of Pilar’s immediate circle. “Does it feel weird, or wonderful?” she asked as they ate their salad, and Pilar watched her eyes, as though looking for the secret of life there.
“I don’t know.” Nancy smiled. “I guess weird sometimes. You get used to it. I forget about it actually. Sometimes I feel like I always was like this. I haven’t been able to tie my shoelaces in weeks. Tommy has to do it for me. But I think the weirdest part is knowing that there’s a whole person in there, who’s going to come out and live with us for the next twenty years. He’s going to depend on us, and expect things from us for the rest of his, or her, life. I can’t even begin to imagine what that feels like.”
“Neither can I,” Pilar said pensively, except that she did know in a way, because Nancy and Todd had expected something from her for the past fourteen years. But in some ways, that had always been an option. They weren’t hers, and if she and Brad had ever broken up, earlier on anyway, she could have chosen not to see them again, although she certainly would have. But she didn’t have to, they weren’t hers. This baby was going to be Nancy’s forever. It was going to be a part of her, and a part of Tom, and it was going to be its own person. It was going to be someone important to them for the rest of their liv
es. The mere thought of that had always terrified Pilar, and now suddenly she found it very touching.
“I think it’s wonderful. It’s a whole new life, a whole new world, a relationship with someone who’s a part of you, who may have a million things in common with you, or nothing at all. It’s fascinating, isn’t it?” She was completely intrigued by it, although she had to admit that it still seemed like an awesome responsibility to her, and she wouldn’t have wanted to go through the birth process to get there. That part of it had never appealed to her at all, and looking at her stepdaughter’s enormous girth, she didn’t envy her what she would have to go through. Pilar had seen a movie of a delivery once, and all she could think of as she watched was that she was glad she would never have to do anything like that; she was absolutely sure she was never going to have a baby.
“It’s funny,” Nancy said as she sat back in her chair and looked out at the Pacific Ocean, “most of the time I don’t think about the relationship we’ll have, or how much like us the baby will be, I just think of how sweet the baby will be, how small, how dependent on us … and Tommy is so excited.” So was she, it was the most exciting thing that had ever happened to her, and she was nervous about the birth, but all she could really focus on now was the baby. And then she looked at her stepmother, and asked her something she had always wondered about, and never dared say. “How come you and Dad … I mean … how come you never had children?” As soon as she had said the words, she wanted to take them back again. What if Pilar couldn’t?
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