Diana hugged Jane again, and when Andy finally led her from the room everyone was crying. And then when they stopped at the nursery to look at her, they knew they had done the right thing. She was so beautiful and so tiny as she lay sleeping. They spoke to the pediatrician before they left, and he told them what kind of formula she’d be on, and what kind of schedule to expect her to keep, how to care for her umbilical cord, and he suggested they take her to their pediatrician the following week, and Diana looked at Andy blankly, and then she thought of her sisters.
“I’ll call Sam.” She smiled suddenly. She hadn’t talked to her sister in weeks. They hardly spoke anymore. Mostly because she didn’t want to hear about her baby. “Boy, is she going to be surprised!” She laughed as they got in the elevator at the hospital, and they walked to Sacramento Street for something to eat. It had been an exhausting but wonderful two days, and they were going to pick the baby up in the morning. Jane would be checking out then, too, but she had decided not to see the baby again. It was just going to make it too difficult for her.
“You don’t think she’s going to change her mind, do you?” Diana asked Andy nervously that night, and he thought about it for a minute before he answered.
“No, I don’t. But I think it’s a possibility we have to face in the next months until they sign the final papers. They could change their minds in the end, but they seem pretty sure to me. Edward is, certainly. And I think she is, too, it’s just a very emotional time for her, this must be just brutal.”
Diana couldn’t imagine what it would be like, giving a baby up, and she was glad she had never had to face that kind of decision, but she knew instinctively that she wouldn’t have been able to do it. And then Andy and Diana talked of other things, like what they were going to name the baby. They still hadn’t decided definitely, although Hilary seemed to be their favorite.
They both called their offices that morning and said they wouldn’t be in due to “illness.” Andy wanted to stay home for at least another day, and Diana knew that she wanted to take a long time off, or even quit, but she hadn’t figured all that out yet.
Eric Jones met them at the hospital, and he had more papers for them to sign. He had already seen Edward and Jane, and he told the Douglases they had just left, which was a relief to them. They wanted that part of the adoption behind them. Now all they wanted was their baby.
Diana looked anxious as they rode up in the elevator, carrying a wicker basket covered in white eyelet lace, and they had brought a car seat to put in the limousine they hired to take them to the airport. This was a big event for them. They were finally bringing home their baby. And she even had a name. They had decided that morning on Hilary Diana Douglas.
She was sound asleep when the nurse picked her up, and they let Andy and Diana go into the nursery wearing gowns over their street clothes. The nurse showed Diana how to dress her and how to change her, and told her when to give her formula and when to give her glucose and water instead. The hospital provided them with a dozen bottles of each. And the nursery nurse explained that if Hilary had been her natural child, her own milk wouldn’t be in yet, so they didn’t want to overdo it with the formula. She was less than two days old, and a very young baby.
And as they handled her, she opened her mouth and yawned, and then she looked sleepily at Diana and Andy. And then she closed her eyes again as Diana dressed her. And as she did, Diana felt something she had never felt for anyone before, not even Andy. It was a welling up of love and joy that almost overwhelmed her. There were tears sliding down her cheeks as she dressed the little girl in a pink dress, and a warm pink sacque, and little pink knit booties. She had a matching hat with little pink roses on it, and she looked adorable when Diana picked her up and held her. And Andy thought Diana had never looked more beautiful as he watched her.
“Come on, Mom,” he said softly, and Diana held her on her shoulder as they went out in the hall to meet Eric. The baby was already signed out by the hospital. She was theirs now.
They hugged him and thanked him, and he went downstairs to see them into the waiting limousine, and Diana nervously adjusted the seat belt. There were three suitcases of baby clothes in the trunk and a huge teddy bear Andy had bought.
“Thank you for everything,” she called back to Eric as the limousine pulled away, and he waved at them with a smile. It had been wonderful to watch them.
And then Diana settled back in her seat, next to the baby, and looked at Andy. It was difficult to believe how much had happened to them in less than forty-eight hours.
“Do you believe this?” she asked with a grin, still afraid to believe it had really happened. But the tiny fingers curled around her own told her it was real. And looking at little Hilary, everything seemed so perfect.
“I still can’t believe it,” Andy admitted in a whisper, he was afraid he might wake the baby. And as they drove to the airport he looked at Diana and grinned. “What are you going to do about your job?” She had just gotten serious about her career again, and now suddenly, everything was topsy-turvy.
“I guess I’ll take maternity leave. I haven’t figured that out yet.”
“They’ll love that,” Andy teased. But he was planning to take at least a week off, too, to help Diana and get to know their daughter … their daughter … their baby … The words still seemed so foreign to them when they said them. And whenever Diana let herself think of it, she still ached over Jane’s loss, and their gain. It seemed a hard way to get a baby, to cause someone else so much pain and take the baby from her. But it was what Jane had wanted, and they had all agreed to.
Hilary woke up just before they boarded the plane, and Diana changed her and fed her some of the glucose. And then she went right back to sleep as Diana laid her down in the little basket. She held her in her arms on the flight home, and she felt the cozy warmth of her on her chest as the baby lay there, sleeping soundly. It was a feeling she’d never had before, the overwhelming sensation of love and peace and warmth that comes from holding a sleepy baby.
“I don’t know who looks happier, you or Miss Hilary,” Andy said as he smiled at them, and indulged in a drink on the plane. He really felt he deserved it.
By dinnertime they were home, and Diana looked around, feeling as though she had been gone for a lifetime. So much had happened to them, so much had changed since that fateful phone call on Friday night. Was it only three days? Neither of them could believe it.
“What room should I put her in?” Andy whispered to Diana as he carried the basket.
“Ours, I think. I don’t want her too far away from us. And I have to get up with her at night anyway to feed her.”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know,” he teased, “you just don’t want to be away from her for a minute.” But he couldn’t blame her. He wanted her close to them too. And he was already wondering, as he gently set her down in the basket next to their bed, if it would be difficult to adopt another.
Diana called her sister, Sam, that night, and asked for the name of the pediatrician, for a “friend,” and Sam couldn’t see the grin on her older sister’s face when she did it. Sam gave her his name, and then Diana asked her how the baby was, and if she’d like to drop by the next day for a visit.
But Sam had finally understood how sensitive Diana was, and she was very cautious when she answered.
“I don’t have anyone to leave the baby with, Di. Seamus is working on a new painting. I could come when the other two are at nursery school, but I’d have to bring him.” And she knew Diana wouldn’t want that. She had only seen him once since he’d been born, and from a very considerable distance.
“That’s all right. I don’t mind,” she said easily, and Sam frowned at her end, suspicious.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m positive.” She actually sounded as though she meant it.
“Are you feeling better about things?” Sam asked cautiously. She had been shocked by her sister’s outburst over Thanksgiving. But in the months
since, she had come to understand how great the pain was and she felt stupid about how insensitive they’d all been, and how unaware of her problems.
“I’m much better, Sam,” Diana said. “We’ll talk about it tomorrow.”
And then she called her mother. Her father was out of town, which was disappointing. But she invited her mother over for coffee at the same time Sam was coming. And then she called Gayle. They were all free, and she didn’t tell any of them why they were invited. But when she hung up after inviting Gayle, she was grinning from ear to ear. She was one of them at last. She had finally made it. She was a member of the secret society. She had a baby.
“I’m glad you’re happy, sweetheart,” Andy whispered to her that night. He had never seen her like this, and now he realized more than ever how much she had wanted a baby. It surprised him to realize that it didn’t bother him at all that the baby wasn’t biologically related to him. He couldn’t have cared less. He thought she was gorgeous. And when she woke up for the first time that night, they both jumped up and grabbed a bottle. After that, they took turns, and in the morning, Andy looked at Diana, tired but happy.
“You forgot to call someone last night,” he said sleepily as he went back to bed. He had just called his office to tell them that he wouldn’t be in again that day and probably not the next one either. He told them he was still sick, and he would have to explain the rest later.
“Who did I forget to call?” Diana looked confused as she thought about it. She’d called both her sisters and her mother. She’d have her father over as soon as he got back from his trip. “I can’t think of who.” Maybe Eloise, but they really weren’t all that close now.
“No, I meant Wanda … you know … Wanda Williams.”
“Oh, you jerk.” Diana laughed as the baby started to cry. She fed Hilary then, and bathed her, and had her all dressed in one of her new outfits before her family arrived to meet her. But suddenly, as Diana looked at her, before they all came, she realized that what was important was not her family, or how they reacted to her, or what they thought of Diana now that she had a child— what was important was the baby, the little person she was, the woman she would grow to be, and all that she would come to mean, and already meant, to Andy and Diana. She was someone they had waited what seemed like a lifetime for. They had prayed for her, and fought over her, and almost destroyed each other and themselves when they thought they wouldn’t find her. She meant more to them than they could ever tell her, and what other people thought of her actually meant nothing. Diana hoped that her family would love Hilary, and she was sure they would, how could they not? But if they didn’t … it just didn’t matter. Diana realized that she hadn’t failed at trying to have a child. She had simply done things differently. She had met an insurmountable problem, met the devil in her soul, and survived it. Problem solved. Life continues. There was no victory or defeat here. There was life with all its riches, all its joy and despair, and its infinitely precious gifts. Hilary was one of them, perhaps the greatest Diana would ever receive. But she knew now that Hilary’s arrival in her life was not a victory for her, it was a blessing.
And as she smiled down at the sleeping child, the doorbell rang, and it was her mother.
“How are you, sweetheart?” her mother asked worriedly, and Diana could see in her eyes that she was frightened.
“I’m fine.”
“Why aren’t you at work?” She sat down on the couch, her knees pressed tightly together in her navy Adolfo suit, her hair freshly done, and both her hands clutching her handbag.
“Don’t look so worried, Mom. Everything’s okay. I’m on vacation.”
“You are? You didn’t tell me you were taking a vacation now. Are you and Andy going away?” She knew they’d been separated for a while, but Diana had told her as soon as they got back together. She was good about things like that as a rule, never causing them worry unduly. Only the heartbreak of her infertility had remained a painful secret. But her mother never discussed that with her. She didn’t want to pry, or ask embarrassing questions, but Sam had told her that there was no hope Diana could ever have a baby, and her son-in-law, Jack, had confirmed it.
She was about to tell her mother that she and Andy weren’t going away, they were staying in town, when the doorbell rang again, and it was Sam with her baby. He was two months old, and looked adorable sound asleep in his car seat. Diana realized as she looked at him, that only days before it would have made her heart ache to see him. Now he was just a sweet-looking, cuddly baby.
“Something wrong?” Sam asked as soon as she came in the door. Diana laughed as she helped her set the baby down, and Sam watched her in consternation. Something had happened to her, she seemed so much less skittish than before, so sure of herself, so undisturbed by the baby. Sam almost wondered if she was pregnant, but she would never have dared to ask her.
“Nothing’s wrong. Mom asked me the same thing. She thought I got fired because I’m home.” Sam saw her mother in the living room then, and was even more surprised, as she followed Diana. “I’m on vacation this week and I thought it would be fun to get together. It’s nice to see you, Sam.” Diana smiled at her, and the two sisters exchanged a look that warmed their mother’s heart, she was happy to see it.
Gayle arrived ten minutes after them, complaining about traffic on the freeway, her car, and the lack of parking.
“So what’s the occasion?” She looked around the room suspiciously when she saw her sister and her mother. “This looks like a family powwow.”
“Well, it’s not.” Diana smiled easily. “There’s someone I want you to meet,” she said calmly. “I’ll bring her right in. Sit down, Gayle.” Sam was already sitting next to her mother on the couch, nursing her baby.
Diana disappeared for a few minutes then, and without waking the baby up, she picked Hilary carefully out of her basket and put her on her shoulder. She hung there all warm and cozy as Diana clung to her, giving her little kisses on her head as she walked back to the living room, and then she stood there, and they stared at her. Sam just sat there and smiled, and her mother started to cry, and Gayle looked at her in amazement.
“Oh, my God … you’ve got a baby.”
“We sure do. Hilary,” Diana said as she sat down next to Sam, putting the baby in her lap so they could see her. She was a beautiful little girl, she had perfect skin and lovely features, and tiny little hands with long, graceful fingers.
“She’s so beautiful,” her mother cried, and then she leaned over to kiss her daughter. “Darling, I’m so happy for you.”
“So am I, Mom,” Diana said as she kissed her, and then Sam gave her a warm hug, and the two sisters laughed as they cried, and Gayle bent down for a closer look at the baby.
“She’s gorgeous,” she pronounced. And then she looked at Diana. “You’re lucky, you took the easy way out, no labor, no thirty pounds to lose, no saggy boobs, just a gorgeous kid and your skinny body. If I weren’t so happy for you, I’d hate you. Maybe now we can be friends again. This hasn’t been easy for us either, you know.” She spoke for all of them, but as always, the tension had been greatest between her and Diana. Sam was always exempt from their fights, she always had been. She was the baby.
“I’m sorry,” Diana said, as she looked down at her little girl. “It’s been an awful time, but now it’s over.”
“Where did she come from?” Sam asked curiously, fascinated by the delicate features.
“San Francisco. She was born at twelve-thirty A.M. on Sunday morning.”
“She’s terrific,” her brand-new grandmother announced, and she could hardly wait to tell her husband, and go out and buy the baby a present. She couldn’t even imagine what Diana’s father would think, but she knew he’d be pleased and relieved after all Diana had been through.
The ladies stayed for almost two hours, and then finally they all left, regretfully, after kissing Diana and the baby repeatedly. Andy came home from his errands just as Sam left. He had gone to t
he office to pick up some papers and explain that he needed the rest of the week off. They had been surprised by his good news, but good sports about giving him the time off, and they told him to take the next week off, too, if he felt he was needed. He had stopped by to see Bill Bennington, too, and told him the news about the baby.
“Does this mean we can go out to play again?” Bill teased. He understood about Diana having a hard time dealing with Denise’s pregnancy. She had been confined to her bed lately anyway, things hadn’t been easy. They were afraid the baby would be premature, or she might even lose it. But they were in the home stretch now. Her due date was only eight weeks away, and in another month they were going to let her get up, and it would be all right if she had the baby. “When can we see her?” Bill asked excitedly. He knew they were having a girl, too, and he liked the idea of him and Andy going out with their daughters.
“Maybe we can play doubles in a few years,” he suggested, and Andy laughed, and then promised they’d drop in on Denise whenever she felt up to a visit.
“We’ll call,” Andy promised, and then went back to Diana and the baby. She had given him a long shopping list, and he needed a few things of his own. But he could see when he got home that she had had a great time with her mother and sisters.
“Successful mission?” he asked cryptically, and she grinned. “How did the princess behave?” She was sound asleep back in her basket.
“Impeccably. And they loved her.”
“Who wouldn’t?” He looked down at her, fascinated by every move she made, every inch of her. He adored her. And then he remembered something else. “Did you call your office?”
“I tried, but none of the right people were there. I thought maybe I should go in and explain it.” She had a lot to say to them, and she owed them an explanation as to why this had happened with no warning.
And when she went in late that afternoon, she was impressed by how understanding they were. They offered her full maternity leave, which was five months, beginning at that moment. And as soon as it was over, she had her job back. She was fairly sure she still wanted it, although she had always wondered what she would do if she had a baby. Early on, she had thought she would give up work, and later she had thought about going back to work, or trying to work part time. She could never have kept her job as a senior editor if she worked part time, but she could have done a lot of interesting things for them. And she just wasn’t sure now. She had five months to spend with Hilary and figure it out, and by then she’d know what she wanted.
Mixed Blessings Page 27