“What did he say?” Drew asked.
“Nothing. He didn’t say a fucking thing. He just let them stand there and make fun of me.”
“They were talking about you? They all knew you were there?”
I shook my head. “Kayleigh and Braylon knew I was there. They said something to him and he just told them to back off. Billy told another joke and said Xander told him the answer. I’m sorry, Drew. You seem like a nice guy, but your friends are fuckers.”
“Actually the only one here I’m friends with is Xander. I come to these things because he asks me to. I can’t stand Billy and Ricky. They’re pricks. And Kayleigh and Braylon are miserable bitches who think they’re God’s gift to men. That’s why I’m out here. I just needed a break from the shallow pettiness.”
I took a deep breath. “I guess I need a break, too. Except my break is going to be permanent. I’m done with assholes like Xander.”
“I’m sorry. He really likes you. You’re all he’s talked about since he met you. I really wish things weren’t working out this way. I always told him he turned into an asshole around those guys. Maybe he’ll finally realize it after this, but I’m sorry you got hurt because of it.”
I saw Sam’s car coming slowly down the street and I stood up. “Thanks Drew. You’re a really nice guy. Thanks for listening to me. Tell Xander to lose my number.”
“Sorry, Mandy. It was nice meeting you.”
“You, too,” I said.
Then I walked away.
Eighteen
In Sam’s car I let loose the tears. Drew got them started and I couldn’t keep them in any longer with Sam looking at me like she knew what happened. She drove silently and let me cry.
After a few minutes Sam said, “I called Claire and Addi. We’re going to have a girls’ night at Claire’s.”
I nodded. “I need to get my car. It’s parked at Xander’s. I’ll follow you from there.”
“You don’t want to get it later?”
I shook my head. “No, I want to get it now. I can’t see him. I just want to forget he ever existed.”
Sam nodded once, then focused on the road. When we got to Xander’s I looked up at his house and said goodbye, letting go of everything. I got in my car and followed Sam to Claire’s apartment.
Inside Claire and Addi were waiting for us. Claire handed me a glass of wine without another word and we all piled on the couch. Addi turned on Ferris Bueller’s Day Off and we sat and watched the movie.
As the movie played I went back through my entire relationship with Xander. I knew I should have known better. I told him that the first time we met. There was no way someone who looked like him and someone who looked like me would ever end up together. It couldn’t happen. We were too different.
When he met my friends they accepted him. He wasn’t treated poorly because he’s gorgeous. He was treated like any other person. But his friends… they were the jerks Xander said they were. If he knew it, I couldn’t understand why he was still friends with them. Drew said he’d told Xander he was an ass when he was with them so it made me question even more why he stayed friends with them. And why he brought me to meet them.
Then again, I knew the answer. It was because he was an asshole, too.
When my wineglass was empty, Sam jumped up to fill it again. Claire brought me tissues and cookie dough. Addi let me lean on her shoulder and cry.
After the first movie ended Claire asked if I wanted to talk about it.
I didn’t want to admit to them what happened. I didn’t want them to be hurt the way I was by people being cruel. I knew they would all be pissed on my behalf, but I also knew how much it would hurt to hear those jokes.
But they were my best friends. They deserved to hear what happened.
“It was horrible. Well, not at first. The friends that were having the party were jerks, but his best friend, Drew, was really nice. We talked to him for a while and Xander got jealous of me talking to him. He said I was his, and only his.”
“Uh, that’s creepy,” Addi said.
“That’s hot,” Sam said.
Claire just stared at me.
“Anyway, after that he went to the bathroom and left me alone. I went to find Drew because I thought he was interesting. Well, before I got to Drew I overheard these two bitchy girls talking about how Xander deserved better than me and how they would help him get over me when he realized he should be with someone hotter.”
“What the fuck? That’s who you were texting me about?” Sam asked.
“Yeah, that’s the same ones.”
“And Xander said nothing to that?”
“Well, no. He wasn’t there when they were saying that. He came out later and they asked him why he was with me when the two of them were willing.”
“And he didn’t respond?” Sam asked, surprised and offended on my behalf.
“I walked away first. I don’t know what he would have said, if anything, but I just left. He told me before we got there that he didn’t like them, but maybe two were better than one. I went to the bathroom and calmed down. When I came back out the asshole who lives in the house was telling fat jokes and Xander was laughing.”
“What an asshole,” Addi said.
“Yeah, he was. The bitchy girls saw me and egged Xander on because he didn’t know I was there. He just told them to back off. His friend told another joke but for the punchline he said, ‘Xander told me…’ I was horrified so I left.”
“What did he do?”
I shrugged. “I don’t know. I just left. I didn’t hear anything after I walked away, the blood was pounding in my head so hard I thought it was going to explode. I just got the hell out of there as fast as I could.”
“Who were you talking to on the front porch?” Sam asked.
“That’s Drew, Xander’s best friend. He’s the only one at the party that was nice to me. He said he doesn’t know why Xander hangs out with those people, but I think it’s because he’s just as big of an asshole.”
“Are you sure Mandy? I mean why would he says you’re his or sleep with you or give any of us the time of day if he was just toying with you?” Addi asked.
I looked at her, stunned. Maybe he was just an asshole who wanted to torture me? Maybe he was good at tricking women into believing he was someone other than who he was. Maybe Addi was right, but I didn’t want to hear it. I wanted sympathy instead of someone fixing the problem. I also just wanted to feel better for breaking up with the asshole.
“He’s a jerk, Addi. We’ve all been worried when it would come out. We all thought at some point his true colors would show through. I hate that it happened, but it did. I wanted him to be a good guy, I really did. If he was really a good guy then this wouldn’t have happened,” Claire said.
“Yeah, well, he was perfect until today. How is it possible he fooled all of us? She was happy. She was falling in love with him. We all saw it. He treated her well and after the noises they made the night we were all there for movie night it was clear the sex was amazing. I just hate that all of a sudden it went to shit. I wonder if maybe we’re jumping to conclusions. Find out his side of the story. Has he called you?”
I shrugged. I left my phone in my purse and in the kitchen so I wouldn’t be tempted to check my messages or answer if he called. “I don’t know. My phone’s in the other room.”
Addi got up to get my purse and pulled out my phone. “Already six text messages and three missed calls from him. If he was trying to be an ass and blow you off do you think he’d be trying to get in touch with you?”
I started crying again, my shoulders shaking softly as I cried. I couldn’t think about Xander’s phone calls or text messages. I couldn’t think about the way he’d treated me. I was falling in love with him, actually I’d fallen. I had started letting myself imagine my life with him. We’d only been together about six weeks, but I couldn’t remember the time before him. I couldn’t imagine my life without him.
Hearing Addi tell me m
aybe I was wrong was letting hope seep back in. I almost thought maybe everything was okay and he was calling to apologize and explain what happened. But all I had to do was close my eyes and think about the way he was laughing at the jokes and know I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t just accept everything was okay.
It wasn’t okay and it never would be.
“Addi, let it go. She doesn’t need to think about it right now. As of now, Xander is a jerk. If she talks to him and decides to give him another chance we’ll support her, but right now she doesn’t need you telling her she’s overreacting. I would lose it if someone did that to me,” Claire said.
They talked about me as though I wasn’t there. As though they were talking about someone else. I wanted to tell them what to do, to offer an opinion. I wanted to tell them that no matter what he did I still loved him. I wanted to tell them I didn’t want them to hate him because no matter what I didn’t.
And I hated myself for it.
I wanted to be able to hate him. I wanted my heart to know what a jerk he was. But my heart wouldn’t buy it. My heart wanted him, and the idea of my friends hating him bothered me. I couldn’t stand listening to them tear him down. Not now, not ever.
“Let’s just watch another movie, you guys,” I said. “I need to forget about all this and just chill out.”
Everyone nodded and silently watched me. I got up from the couch and went into the kitchen. I needed a few minutes from their prying eyes. I heard them whispering once I left the room, but I didn’t try to hear what they were saying. They were probably arguing over what I needed.
Unfortunately the only thing I needed was the one thing I couldn’t have. I needed Xander’s arms wrapped tight around me, telling me it was all going to be okay. I needed to have him hold me and let me feel loved. I needed to know everything I thought was real was real.
I wouldn’t get that though. Xander would never again hold me or kiss me. I wouldn’t see him again because he’s not mine. He was never really mine.
I shoved my phone back into my purse and leaned against the counter.
How could I have been so stupid? I loved my life before him. I was happy. I had it all. Now I had it all but with a broken heart and a misguided belief on my happiness. I couldn’t go back to happy again, not like I was before. I’d learned what I was missing. What life could be like if I had love in it. I wanted that. I wanted love in my life.
I wanted Xander.
I filled my wineglass again and drained it before leaving the kitchen. I poured myself another glass and carried it to the living room. I resumed my seat on the couch and forced myself not to cry as we watched Clueless.
By the time the movie was over I was good and drunk. I couldn’t remember how many glasses of wine I’d had, or if I’d eaten anything besides cookie dough, but I was ready for bed.
I followed Claire down the hallway to her bedroom and got ready for bed. Sam and Addi camped out on the pull-out couch and we all headed to bed.
Curled up next to Claire she said, “I’m really sorry, Mandy. I thought he was different. I wanted him to be different.”
“I did too, Claire. I really thought he was a good guy. Even though I fought going out with him because I knew he’d be a jerk, I fell for him. I’m in love with him. I hate admitting that. I hate feeling that way.”
I snuggled under the covers. Sleep was pulling at me, but I needed to talk to my best friend.
“You can’t help who you love, you know that.”
“Yeah, but it sucks. I should be able to stop loving him when I find out he’s an ass. Listening to Sam and Addi arguing about him was hard. I didn’t want to think about the phone calls or texts and I didn’t want to make you guys hate him. No matter what they said it broke my heart.”
“I’m sorry, Mandy. We all should have just listened. You know they were trying to help.”
“I know. It was hard to hear Sam get so down on him and it was hard to hear Addi build him up. Every word made me want to scream.” I clenched my fists, fighting back the urge to scream right then, just to let it all out.
“Yeah, I know. When you were in the kitchen we were arguing over what to say to you. We all finally agreed that we just needed to shut the hell up and listen to you if you wanted to talk.”
“I think I just need to process it all. You know try to get over it. Talking about him is only going to make me miss him,” I started crying. Again.
“Okay, then let’s not talk anymore. Get some sleep and maybe you’ll feel better in the morning. I wish I could take this away for you.” Claire rubbed my hair softly, consoling me and helping me feel ever so slightly better.
“Thanks, Claire. I’ll be okay. Eventually,” I murmured sleepily.
At least I hoped I would be.
Nineteen
I woke up the next morning and showered and dressed quickly, thankful I’d packed an extra outfit for the cookout from hell. I ate a bowl of cereal in Claire’s kitchen with everyone. The tension in the room could be cut with a knife, or maybe a sword. It was clear they didn’t know what to say to me.
“Thanks for trying to help last night guys. It means a lot to have such great friends.”
“We’re always here for you. You know that,” Claire said.
“Yep, no matter what,” Sam added.
“I’m sorry if I upset you. I wish things had worked out for you. You’re such an amazing woman and you deserve to be happy. We all do,” Addi said.
“You’re right. For now, we can be happy together. If one of us finds someone we’ll all do our work to make sure whoever it is has a good guy.”
I smiled and shoveled my cereal in. I needed to get out of there before they started trying to tell me what to do about Xander again. They were doing it again, making me want to scream. Until I could get my heart and my brain on the same page I couldn’t think about Xander.
When I finished my cereal, I rinsed the bowl then stuck it in the dishwasher. I offered to help clean up the dishes from the night before but Claire waved me off. “I’ll take care of it later. I don’t have to work today so I’m going back to bed when you guys are gone. I’ll clean up tonight. Are we still on for girls’ night?”
Everyone looked at me. I nodded.
“Okay, I better go. Thanks so much for your help. I love you guys.”
I threw my bag in the back of my car then headed into work.
In the relative safety of my cubicle I knew I would be able to sink myself into work. I wouldn’t have to hear from Xander and I certainly wouldn’t have to see him. Eventually he would give up and accept that I was done being made fun of by him.
My phone showed thirty-two missed calls overnight and fifty-one missed texts. I scanned through the first ones at my desk, figuring I wouldn’t cry if I was at work. The first texts were asking where I was and why I left. Then he shifted to being worried about me and saying he wanted me to call him. A handful more and he must have talked to Drew because the messages changed to him apologizing and asking if we could talk.
I deleted them all. Even the ones I didn’t have the strength to read.
Melody walked by and saw my expression. “Did the boyfriend finally figure out that you’re not worth it?”
“Shut up Melody. I don’t want to talk to you,” I growled at her.
She laughed at me then stalked away on her heels, her cackling echoing in my head. Good thing, too, or I would have thrown my stapler at her.
“Mandy, I need to speak with you,” Diana said, drawing the attention of everyone in the room.
Her voice sounded ominous and I immediately flashed back to Friday afternoon when Melody went into her office. What now? I wondered.
Diana led me into the conference room, the only space nearby with a door so others couldn’t hear our conversation. I was grateful for the barrier and terrified by what it meant that we needed one.
“Mandy, it’s been brought to my attention that you’ve been threatening another employee here.”
“
What?” I asked as I attempted to keep my head from exploding. What the hell was she talking about? If anything, I’ve been the one who’s been threatened.
“I am not going into details, but the employee in question came to me late Friday in tears telling me everything that’s been going on between you. She had proof in the form of emails she’s received from you, signed documents from other employees who’ve witnessed your behavior, and a detailed journal of all your interactions. All this is under review, but I have to say I’m very disappointed in you. I really thought you would be a good replacement for me, but in light of all this, I’m not even sure you’ll have a job long enough for me to retire at the end of the week.”
She couldn’t be serious. After the beating I’d felt like I’d taken from Xander and his friends the day before I was numb, but hearing that ‘another employee’ had accused me of threatening her… It made my head spin. Not to mention I was about to lose my job. What the hell was I going to do?
I stumbled out of Diana’s office with a killer headache. I didn’t know if it was the wine or the tears, but I figured it was probably both. I wanted to claim I was sick and go home, but I knew that wouldn’t help. I had to figure out how to prove Melody’s accusations were lies.
While I was trying to figure out what to do, I answered calls as quickly as I could, solving problems for the customers and forgetting about my issues in the face of the troubles these people were dealing with. After lunch I signed back into my account and waited for the phone to ring. I didn’t have to wait long. “Western New York Health, this is Mandy. How can I help you today?”
“Oh, baby, thank God. I’ve been so worried about you. Where were you last night?” Xander breathed in my ear. My traitorous heart lurched at the sound of his voice. I didn’t want to talk to him. I didn’t want him calling me. And fuck if I didn’t forget he knew how to get in touch with me at work.
“What can I do for you today, sir?” I asked, trying to keep the panic and desire out of my voice.
“Mandy, please, you have to talk to me. You have to let me explain.” He sounded desperate and it made me want to hear him out. I was curious what explanation he could possibly have.
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