I examined them all, as though I could see which one would be the best. They all looked delicious. If I had six hands I knew I’d hold them all and take bites out of each one until they were all gone. Instead, I picked out two, setting them on a napkin in front of me to pull the paper from the soft cake at the bottom.
The red velvet went first. The bright red paper pulling away to reveal the blood red cake underneath. The icing was like it should be, almost as thick as the cupcake itself. I inhaled deeply and smelled the telltale cream cheese frosting that should always go with red velvet.
My first bite was practically orgasmic. I smiled thinking at least I found something to replace that part of my relationship with Xander. The soft cake fell apart in my mouth, not crumbling but melting with the icing into a delicious pool of creamy softness. I closed my eyes and let the flavors meld on my tongue, the rich chocolate with the sweet cream cheese. A slight crunch gave away a secret hiding in the cupcake but I couldn’t put my finger, or my tongue, on exactly what it was.
I took another bite, ignoring my friends and their blatant stares as I devoured my cupcake wholeheartedly. They might not know how to handle me or my mood, but at least they knew enough to leave me alone with my cupcake.
Before I knew it, and before I figured out the secret ingredient, my red velvet cupcake was gone. With the delicious tingle of sugar racing through my system I peeled the paper off my second one, the strawberry cupcake.
When I lifted it to my lips I saw my friends staring at me. I set the cupcake down and looked at them. “What’s wrong with you guys?”
“We thought maybe you’d want to get dinner. There’s the Mexican place on the corner or the Japanese place?” Addi said.
“I’m eating cupcakes for dinner. I bought six so I would have enough food in me. I’m depressed and I’m drowning my sorrows in sugary sweetness. If I can’t have a manmade orgasm, I’m going to have six woman-made sugar induced ones.”
“I thought I was going to come just watching you eat that first one. I’m going to get some cupcakes, too,” Sam said as she stood up. Addi followed her.
Claire stayed put. “Are you okay?”
I glared at her. She knew better than to ask me that question with those puppy dog eyes. “You know I’m not. It hurts like fucking hell. It ripped my heart out to hear his voice today. He sounded so relieved to finally get me on the phone and I was a complete bitch. I wouldn’t let him explain because I didn’t want to hear ‘they weren’t talking about you’ or ‘it was just a joke.’ They may not have said my name, but it certainly came across that way to me. So no, Claire, I’m not okay. I’m fucking hurting. And I want to eat goddamn cupcakes for dinner.”
Claire watched me as I squeezed my eyes tight against the tears. I didn’t want to cry in public but she’d brought it out of me. I told them to ask what I needed, not give me the sympathetic crap. I couldn’t fucking handle the emotion. My heart was still in that backyard, where it was torn from my chest and left on the ground for Xander and his friends to stomp on.
All except Drew.
At least he had one decent friend. One person in his circle that wasn’t a complete douche canoe.
Too bad I wasn’t attracted to Drew in the slightest. Aside from realizing he was cute and charismatic, he just wasn’t Xander.
And I hated that.
Sam and Addi scurried back to their seats with boxes smaller than mine and both opened them the same way I did mine. We all inhaled our cupcakes and they pulled the paper off theirs with the same reverence I’d used. The three of us lifted our cupcakes to our mouths together and bit into the soft gooeyness.
The strawberry was every bit as delicious as the red velvet. Little bits of strawberries were sprinkled through the cake and adorned the chocolate buttercream frosting. A rich creamy strawberry filling surprised me when I bit into it, filling my mouth with a little extra surprise.
I wanted to kiss Charlie for creating such beautiful masterpieces.
Claire sat down with her box as I peeled the paper from my third cupcake. I heard my phone vibrating in my purse and dove in the cupcake with renewed vigor, knowing the call was coming from Xander.
I wanted to block his number, to avoid his calls and texts altogether. But every time my finger hovered over the button I couldn’t bring myself to do it. As though there was some reasonable explanation for why he was a jackass and I might be willing to listen to it.
I couldn’t though. I’d already convinced myself that I had to keep away from him until my head and heart were on the same page. And it was clear they weren’t if I couldn’t even decide if I should block his number or let him talk.
I was screwed up. Big time.
After my fourth cupcake orgasm I realized everyone was staring at me again. “What?” I asked, clearly frustrated.
“Why did Xander call you?” Sam asked. I knew she’d be the only one with the guts to bring it up. She was the one who would always say the things no one wanted to hear. The one who would tell it like it is. The one who would push your buttons to piss you off because she knew until you got pissed you couldn’t get over what was bothering you.
Unfortunately she was good at that shit.
“He wanted me to talk to him,” I finally answered her. “He wanted to tell me what happened yesterday.”
“How does he know why you’re pissed? Did the fucker see you and still laugh like it was nothing?”
I shook my head with a smile, happy to hear her defend me so adamantly. “His friend, the one I was sitting on the porch talking to? He told him.”
The fight went out of Sam as quickly as it appeared and she narrowed her eyes at me. “What did he say?”
“I wouldn’t let him say anything. I wanted to talk to him, but I knew I would just forgive him and accept whatever lame excuse he had because I’ll never get a guy hotter than him.”
“Yes you will,” Addi said loudly. “Don’t make it seem like you’re a horrible catch because you’re not a stick. Every one of us deserves to be loved, no matter what our size is. Hot guys dig fat chicks.”
“On what planet? I don’t know where you’ve been but I don’t get hit on by hot guys. The thing is, I don’t care how hot a guy is if he’s an asshole. Xander treated her like shit so it doesn’t matter what he looks like. He doesn’t deserve her.”
“Yeah, but-“
“Guys, stop. This is what you did last night and it only made things worse. She’s hurt and upset. Just let her figure out how to handle all this and then we’ll make decisions about Xander’s character. Maybe there’s an explanation, maybe there isn’t. But it’s not up to us to decide that. It’s up to Mandy,” Claire defended me.
“Thanks Claire. The truth, guys, is I don’t know what to think. I don’t know how to feel. Have you ever been so blindsided by something that you weren’t sure which way was up? That’s how I feel. I was so sure Xander was a jerk at first but he worked hard at proving me wrong. Then yesterday I feel like he showed me I was right and it’s just thrown me off. I trusted him. I thought he was the man he was trying to convince me he was. I wanted him to be the sweet, caring, passionate man that I was falling in love with. It feels like I’m underwater, like I’m in the middle of a dream or something. I don’t know where to go to find answers, but until I figure out what I want from this I can’t see him. I just need to come up for air and see if I can find my way. Then I’ll think about talking to him.”
“I’ve been there,” Claire whispered. Sam and Addi looked at us, obviously unfamiliar with what I was describing. My heart ached for Claire that she’d been through this before, but much worse. I was jealous of Addi and Sam and their blissful naïveté. I wanted to go back to that. Back to before I met Xander and realized what life could mean with love in it.
Cupcake orgasms were great, but orgasms triggered by love would always be better.
Suddenly tired and ready for my own bed, I stood. “I’m going to head home. I need to rest and start to rebuild my world w
ithout Xander Carlson. Thanks for listening guys. Sorry I wasn’t very good company tonight. Oh, and let’s come here from now on.”
Everyone agreed and said goodbye. I walked out the door with my last two cupcakes knowing my friends would stay for a while and talk about me.
And knowing I didn’t care because I had two more cupcake orgasms coming my way.
Twenty-One
I drove back across to my side of town wondering how in the world I would get over what had happened. It hurt. To hear him laugh at the jokes he laughed at. It wasn’t just that he’d laughed. It was that he didn’t care that those words would hurt me. That I wasn’t the first thing on his mind.
My life was never going to be the same. After almost two months of sharing my life with someone, I felt like I didn’t know how to go back. How to be alone again. My friends were great, but there was only so much I could share with my friends. There were only so many things we could talk about. Xander was the man who allowed me to be myself. And he was the one who took that away.
When I pulled up in front of my house I sat there, listening to the rest of the song on the radio, not ready to face my empty townhouse alone. I hadn’t been home since before meeting Xander’s family two days earlier and I knew it would feel different, as though my home would know how much my life had changed.
I smiled to myself as I realized that was one of the reasons I had a cat. I could leave her for two days and she’d be fine on her own.
I got out of the car and saw movement near my front door. I glanced up and gasped. Xander was standing on my porch, just getting up from where he was obviously waiting for me to get home.
My body leapt at the sight of him and my broken heart ached. In my mind I was angry that he’d had the guts to show up at my home, but a secret part of me was thrilled that he was trying to get my attention.
I gathered my things slowly and headed for the door. Xander stayed on the porch, blocking my way inside with his body that looked way too damned good for me to be mad at him. Why couldn’t he have had cupcakes for dinner and gotten fat in a few hours? Why did he still have to look so fucking good?
It wasn’t fair.
Slowly I crossed the distance between us, every step feeling like I was walking straight toward the edge of a cliff. Like once I got there I would have to choose to step back or fall over the edge.
“Where have you been? I’ve been so worried about you,” Xander said as I got closer.
Irrepressible fury ripped through me. Yesterday he didn’t care about my feelings and today he had a right to ask where I’ve been.
I don’t think so.
“It’s really none of your business where I’ve been.”
His eyes sparked at me. He was angry, maybe a little hurt also. I tried to tell myself it didn’t matter, but dammit it did. It mattered that I’d hurt him.
He softened before I got to say anything, the sharpness in his eyes drifting away and the tension in his body melting to the ground. “I’m sorry. It isn’t my business. I have no right to anything in your life if you don’t want me to have it. I want to. I’ve been going crazy trying to find you. But I can see you aren’t ready to talk to me.”
His kindness threw me. The man I’d been convincing myself to hate over the last 24 hours wasn’t the man before me. The man before me was a shell of Xander. He looked the same, but he wasn’t. He had the same soft green eyes and short brown hair, but he was a different man. A man that made me feel bad. A man that I wanted to wrap in my arms and convince everything would be okay.
A man I wanted to love again.
My heart won the battle and I admitted, “We went somewhere new for girls’ night because I didn’t want to see you.”
“Are you afraid of me?”
That was a loaded question if I’d ever heard one. Afraid of Xander, the man? Not even a little bit. Afraid of the way I feel around him? Every second of the day.
“No.”
“Why are you avoiding me?”
“Because I’m hurt. Because I wanted you to be different. Because I found out you’re not who I thought you were.”
I felt the tears as they built. The lump choking my throat didn’t help either. My control was slipping away, drifting right through my fingers like dry sand. Xander seemed remorseful, ashamed of what had happened. It didn’t matter. For one thing, he still hadn’t said he was sorry. For another, sorry wouldn’t erase the pain I’d felt.
“I’m exactly who you thought I was. I understand you’re hurt, but you weren’t the only one. I was, too,” he said softly. He slowly turned. Somehow I hadn’t realized he was standing in the shadows, part of his face shielded from me. When he turned I understood why.
His left eye was swollen and red, a purple and blue bruise forming half a circle on the outside and underneath. He had cuts down the side of his face and his knuckles were raw.
“Oh, Xander,” I whispered. “What happened?” I moved toward him without thinking, without the need to keep the distance between us. I reached up to his face and he sucked in a breath when my fingers brushed against his cheek. His eyes closed and his jaw clenched as he fought the pain brought on by a light touch from me.
“I want to explain it all to you. I want to tell you everything. I need to come in though. I want to explain everything. Please.”
I stepped back. I knew what he was asking me. What he was saying without the words. He wanted my forgiveness. He wanted me to let him in, not to my house, but into my heart. He wanted me to give him another chance. And letting him in so we could ‘talk’ would only make it that much harder.
How could I do it? How could I sit there and consider taking him back?
Then again, he’d clearly gotten into a fight. And it was most likely over me.
Right?
Shit. I had no idea what to do.
“I don’t know Xander. I feel like I opened myself up too much to you. I don’t know if I’m ready to do that again. If I can sit by and let you rip my heart out again.”
He nodded once, letting me know he got it. It made sense to him. But I could tell he didn’t really. He wanted to force his way inside, to make me listen to whatever he had to say. But I knew Xander would never hurt me.
“You’re not the only one who had their heart ripped out. I’m not giving up on us, Mandy. You’re hurt right now. And confused. You want to know why I didn’t defend you or do something about it. I have the answers to all the questions that you’ve been asking yourself. And you can answer my questions. But we need to be at a point where we trust each other. We have to be able to talk. I’m going to wait until you’re ready. I slept on your porch last night, waiting for you to come home. I’ll do it every night until you let me inside to talk. I’m not going anywhere until you know everything. Then, and only then, will I accept it if you still want this to be over. Only then will I even consider letting you go.”
His voice turned sad then possessive as he spoke. He was mad and hurt but he still wanted to be with me. He could answer my questions. The questions you always asked when a relationship ended. The questions you spent the rest of your life asking yourself. The questions that would keep me up at night.
I could get answers.
But all I could say was, “Let me think about it.”
Xander stepped to the side as I passed him. A hint of his scent wafted around me, making my knees weak with desire. I wanted to press myself against him, to wrap my arms around his neck and kiss him like nothing had happened. I wanted to erase my memory of the day before and drag him to my bed and have my way with him.
But I didn’t do any of those things. I simply walked past him, unlocked my front door, and went inside.
On the other side of the door I sunk back against it then dropped to the floor. I wanted to bang my head against the front door but I knew Xander would hear it and try to break down the door to find out what was going on.
Instead I pushed myself from the floor and went to the kitchen at the back of my townho
use. Then called Claire.
“Hey Mandy, what’s up?” she asked. Caution and worry laced her words and her tone. She knew if I was calling her back this quickly after leaving that something had happened.
“Xander’s here,” I stated, trying to remove any emotion from my voice.
“He’s where? At your place?” she asked, shock registering with her words.
“Yep. He’s on the porch. He said he slept on my porch last night waiting for me to come home and will sleep there as long as it takes for me to talk to him.”
The last thing I expected to hear through the phone was a soft bubble of laughter that grew to full blown hysterics. Claire laughed loudly, and her infectious laughter had me joining her.
“Why are we laughing?” I finally asked between tears and gasps.
“I’m sorry. I just got this mental picture of him on your porch, curled up against the door and falling inside when you opened the door.”
“Oh, God, I’m going to have to be careful in the morning.”
Claire stopped laughing immediately. “So you’re not going to talk to him?”
I took a deep breath. I thought if anyone would understand how confused I was it would be Claire. She’d been there. She’d been hurt by someone she thought cared about her. She was humiliated and crushed when it happened and I thought she would understand my need to block Xander from my life.
“I know how scary this is, Mandy, you know I do. He’s not who you thought he was. It sucks. I guess I feel like if I could go back and talk to BJ, ask him why, I might. I’m not comparing Xander to BJ because I don’t think they’re anything alike. I’m just saying that getting the opportunity to ask those questions is pretty powerful.”
I sighed. She was right, of course. Before BJ tried to rape Claire they’d had a good relationship. Over the last 10 years I knew she’d always wondered why. Why all of a sudden he seemed to change on her. What happened that he turned into the monster he was that night.
“What if I don’t like what he has to say? What if he’s mean or says something even more hurtful?”
Chubby & Charming (Big & Beautiful Book 1) Page 17