I nodded, letting myself settle against him. I uncurled my toes and extended my feet. The bottom felt both soft and rough with fragments of sea shells. The ocean frightened the crap out of me during the day; a loud, dark swirl of destruction, pulling everything in its path back to the big unknown. Tonight, Jess made it a place of calm surrender.
His blue eyes watched me and he grinned. “Tonight’s our first time.” I felt startled at his words. He laughed at my reaction. “To really be in the ocean together.”
“Oh.” A wall of water hit me from the side, plunging burning salt in my nose and eyes.
“You have to jump.”
“Ok.” I let go to wipe my face, and then quickly latched my arm back to his shoulder.
“Jump!”
I pushed off from the sand. We rose up together, in a tangle of limbs under the dark water before sinking to the bottom. The next wave brought us back up and slowly down, creating a beautiful underwater ballet. I smiled. He laughed. I laughed. He smiled. We jumped high into the next incoming wave.
“Wanna go deeper?”
“Isn’t it too late with the tide?”
“Nah. Come on.” He cupped my butt cheeks in each hand, pulling me up around his waist. My thighs dug tight into his sides in fear of floating away in the dark abyss. “Keep your feet locked. I won’t drop you.”
“Promise?”
“No.” Jess winked even though he held me tight against his body. He moved further out in the dark water. “You’re gonna kill me one of these days.”
“What for?”
“I’ll be old with a cane, tryin’ to fish your stupid ass out of some pond you fell in. You yellin’ ‘bout not swimmin’ and me drownin’ cause the arthritis.”
“That’s not even realistic.”
“Maybe.” His eyes glowed back at me, turning darker in the moonlight. “You remember the last time I dragged you through the water?”
“Possum Kingdom.”
“Yup. You were sittin’ up there on top of that cliff scared shitless. I wasn’t sure what to do with you. Throw you off the top or just kiss you.”
“You wanted to kiss me that day? You never told me that.”
“I know.”
The wave splashed, pushing us up in a weightless float. I tightened my thighs, digging into his waist. As the water rolled back, my arms clung to his neck, our noses just a fraction apart. His wet hair covered his eyes.
Letting go of his neck, I moved the dark pieces back from his forehead. My fingers traced down his skin and brushed the drops of water hanging off his long eyelashes. I followed down his cheeks to his pink lips. My fingers brushed across the bottom one. My heart beat fast in my chest. I bet they tasted salty if I kissed them. My thoughts twisted around as I stared at his lips. I remembered what it felt like to kiss Jess. It had been four years since that day on the meadow, and I still knew exactly how it felt to have his tongue in my mouth; a sweet piece of erotic heaven I’d tried to block out of my memory.
“Al, what are we doin’ out here?”
“Uh...what?” I swallowed hard, feeling the burn of every place his skin touched me in the cold water. His scrunched-up eyebrows came back into focus. I fought the embarrassing red stain spreading on my cheeks and I wondered if my thoughts were that transparent.
“Ok, let’s go back to the beach. It’s time for you to start talkin’. Whatever has you twisted up must be pretty bad if you picked gettin’ in the water over tellin’ me.”
“Wait. I…”
“Come on. It’s gonna be fine. We just need to talk, ok?”
“Ok.” I frowned at his sweet face.
Jess carried me back out of the water, right side up this time until he dropped me in a disgraceful plop on the shore. The air felt chilly after leaving the protection of the ocean. It was strange to think I felt safer in the deep, tangled seaweed than talking on the wide open beach. Jess collapsed on his back in the sand next to me. I smiled a sad grin. I missed him already.
“I’m leaving after graduation, Jess.”
The only sound came from the waves hitting shore. I tilted my head sideways when he didn't respond. The tight muscles of his jaw glinted in the silver moonlight.
“Jess…say something.”
“When?”
“June. I didn’t know how to tell you.” My chest hurt as I spoke the words. I didn’t know how to explain why I had to leave him.
“Where are you goin’?”
“Paris.”
“How long you gonna be there.”
“I…I…don’t know. It’s not a summer thing. I’m moving there.”
“I see.”
He rubbed the sand off his cheeks and then pushed the damp hair off his forehead. I watched in fear that another word from my lips would just twist the knife further in his heart. “Jess?”
“I’m sorry. You shocked the crap out of me. I wasn’t expectin’ you to say that tonight. I guess I thought you were stayin’ in Austin.”
“I know. I’m still in a little shock myself.”
“So you gonna tell me what you’re doin’ in Paris?”
“Oh, well I got into a program with the Paris School of Art. It was my professor, Mr. Lynch’s idea. He helped me put a portfolio together. I didn’t even know what to do. I had to get, um, recommendations and stuff.” I fumbled, remembering everything I had gathered from the show I won in Dallas and the other in Houston. Those were competitions I entered after breaking the record at Gallery 51 by winning four times in a row.
“You’re just takin’ a few classes then?”
“No, I got a job too. Everything just sort of fell into place. Lynch has a connection. I’m working at this little gallery not far from campus. His friend Margarette is nice. I’ve talked to her several times already. She helped me find an apartment.”
“You already have an apartment? Does your Dad know?”
“No. I wanted to tell you first.”
He turned his head to look at me. His eyes reflected the pain he felt deep inside. “I wish you’d told me before now.”
“I’m sorry. I know this hurts you. I know even though Sadie thinks I don’t.” I swallowed the lump in my throat. The more I talked, the more I felt like I was describing my betrayal; all the hours I put into the application process; all the hours I kept from him. In my wildest dreams, I never thought I would actually get accepted and have it completely paid for on my own merit.
“You’re not hurtin’ me by wantin’ to go to Paris. You’ve wanted this for years. You bought that poster at the school book fair. Wasn’t that in seventh grade? I’d never seen you that excited before. And you’re the only person in the history of Arlis who took French. Mother made the school get you that fancy teacher on the video satellite just so you could learn it. You’ve always wanted this, Al.”
“I know but I’m scared Jess. I’m scared of wanting something this big and actually getting it. We both know what happened the last time I left. I screwed up everything for myself and…I screwed it up with you.”
“You’re not the same person. And we’re not the same either. It’s different for us now. We’ll be fine. We’ll talk. You’ll come home for Christmas. Probably with some French guy with a stupid name like Jean Pierre. I’ll hate him of course, but we’ll be fine.”
“You think I’ll meet someone named Jean Pierre? Really?”
“And I’ll be stuck in Arlis. Maybe I should see if Ashley’s back in town. Maybe it’s time we became friends again.”
“Asshole!” I wacked his arm. “If you hook up with Ashley again, I’ll spend every dime I have to fly back over here, just to slap the crazy out of you in person.”
“See,” he chuckled. “We’ll be fine.”
“I guess.”
“Just don’t get all worked up. We’re gonna be ok.” He reached over taking my hand, linking our fingers together. With his thumb, Jess traced circles over my wrist that had the tattoo inked into my skin. I still hated that permanent reminder. He never w
ould say it, but he must have hated it too.
“How will it be different?”
“Because you’re not that same girl tryin’ to run away from everythin’. And well because…I’m lettin’ you go.”
I was torn, hearing those words spoken out loud; the finality of the meaning. Our hands remained clutched together as we lay side by side, staring up at the dark sky. I looked over at him, but Jess didn’t look back.
“I’m sorry, Jess,” I whispered.
“Don’t apologize for wantin’ to do somethin’ with your life. I’m not mad at you. I understand. I really do. So I have to let you go.”
“But I know I’m hurting you. I swore I would never do it again.” I fought the tears swelling up.
He looked at me with sad eyes. “We grew up. It was bound to happen one day. I think I always knew you weren’t comin’ back to Sprayberry. I knew you’d go somewhere else without me.”
“I wish it didn’t have to be this way.”
“Al, you’ll always be my best friend.” He smiled sadly. “That’s the thing with us. No matter what else I might have felt for you, I’ll always be here as your friend. So go have your dream. Be the girl in the poster and don’t let anythin’ here hold you back. Live every damn minute of it. I want you to be happy. It’s all I ever really wanted.”
A tear fell down my check. “Jess, I want you to be happy too.”
“I will. And no matter where you go, you’ll always have a home at Sprayberry. You’ll see me every time you come visit your Dad.”
“Huh?”
“Shit! That slipped out. He wanted to wait to tell you himself.”
“Who tell me what?”
“Your Dad owns the farmhouse now.”
“What! How?” I dropped his hand and sat up. My mind scrambled to process what he was saying to me.
“I meant that as a good thing. Don’t get mad.”
“What did they do?”
“They? It was my idea. Crap. I shouldn’t have said anythin’. Your Dad was gonna tell you when we got back.”
“What did you do?”
“He was talkin’ to me back in January. He and Caroline were thinkin’ ‘bout gettin’ their own place. The farmhouse was my idea. I don’t think he could afford to buy much anyway. He’s only been payin’ a hundred a month since you moved in.”
“No.” I shook my head. “He’s been paying more than that. I know he has.”
“Alex, he works at a hardware store in Arlis. He had bills and debt too.”
“So you just fixed it!”
“I think this should’ve happened a long time ago. Your Dad tried to work out some payment plan but I wouldn’t let him. It just wouldn’t have been right. So we signed over the house and thirty acres. I tried to get him to take more land but your Dad fought me on that one.”
“How could you do something like this!”
“Well, with Frank not bein’ quite right anymore, I can do just ‘bout anythin’ I want at Sprayberry. There was some legal shit involved, but I have control of his half and I inherit the whole place when he actually dies anyway. So I can give…”
“No…that’s not…what the hell have you done! You gave the farmhouse and part of Sprayberry to my father! How could you do this without saying anything to me! No one told me a damn thing about it! No one asked me!”
“Alex, please…don’t get upset. I thought you’d be happy.”
“Oh, I’m happy! I’m happy everything happened just like that! So easy that it didn’t need to even involve me!”
“I’m sorry. I should’ve let him tell you, but just think ‘bout it. You don’t have to worry ‘bout your Dad anymore. He will be fine there. And no matter where you go, you’ll always have a home. That’s why I did it. I did it for both of you.”
“I can’t talk about this right now.” Jumping up, I took my shirt and shoved my balled-up fists through the sleeves. The anger prickled my nerves as I fumbled with the button holes. Jess watched me, looking confused. I pulled my cutoffs over my lace-trimmed panties. I took off across the sand into the darkness.
“Alex, where’re you goin’?”
“I need to be alone. Don’t follow me. Just let me go.”
I kept walking and never turned back to catch his answer. My swirling emotions controlled every step. My father now owned part of Sprayberry thanks to the Masons. Thanks to Jess! I needed to calm down. This is why Paris was important. Any hesitation of leaving, just got obliterated. I got this graduate spot and job based on my own damn abilities. I finally had a future without the Mason name lingering on everything I touched. I finally had freedom from a past I could never quite shake as long as I remained here.
I kept walking until the private beach turned into a more crowed area. I watched the students. They moved in slow motion as I sat in the darkness. They danced. They drank. They partied without a single worry in their bleached, blond heads. Looking back up into the stars, I wished for that freedom; the ability to let my problems fly away into the wind without a single consequence; no past or present eating away at my soul. I wished I could just let go of this weight I felt on my shoulders.
I sat under the moonlight until my clothes dried and then I took my sweet old time, walking back to the elaborate beach house. Breathe in. Breathe out. The nerves settled into the familiar acceptance of my life controlled by the Masons. This had to be the last time. I said it before, but this time it had to be true.
Walking up the deck stairs, the boards felt rough under my bare feet. I found Jess sitting on a fancy, patio bench. It was covered in some ugly, flower fabric picked out by Mrs. Mason. He didn’t hear my quiet steps so I stayed in the shadows looking at him. Jess was slumped back, staring up into the sky. He leaned up to take a swig from the Bud Light bottle and saw me watching from a few feet away.
“Hey.”
“Hey.”
I walked slowly over to where he sat. Standing in front of him, he looked up at me. Pure, unguarded, sadness came from his blue eyes. It broke my heart.
“I’m sorry, Jess. I shouldn’t have acted that way.”
“Al, I didn’t mean to upset you. I just liked the idea of you always havin’ a home at Sprayberry. Even if you left, part of you would still be there.”
“That’s a nice thought.”
“Why does it all feel so final?” He put a hand on each side of my waist and pulled me closer between his knees. I rested my hands on his shoulders. “I’m gonna miss you so damn much, Al.”
“I know. Me too.”
His fingers tugged at the two buttons I fastened in my anger. He moved the shirt flaps away, exposing my stomach. His hands slipped around my bare waist. His right thumb touched the raised, jagged scar on my side. Slowly, he leaned forward and placed his lips against the permanent mark. I tensed, feeling his breath against my stomach. It tickled. I felt nervous and vulnerable and weak.
“You still think about me every time you see it?”
“Yes,” I whispered. He kissed the scar again and then moved his lips up my stomach, leaving a trail of faint marks all the way to the center of my bra. “What are you doing?”
“I don’t know. Somethin’ I shouldn’t.”
“I know.”
“Do you? Really?” His breath floated over my skin. “Do you know how many times I’ve seen that stupid scar and wanted to do that? How many times I’ve wanted to just touch you and not have a reason to. How many times I’ve wanted to kiss you?”
“Are you drunk?”
“This would be so much easier if I was just drunk off my ass. I’d have the guts to just go for it and not care ‘bout the consequences. But I’m not drunk. I just don’t care anymore ‘bout doin’ the right thing because you’re leavin’ me.”
“I thought we were ok with this? We talked about it. You said we were fine.”
“We did. I said the right things. I did the right things. But right now, I just want to be a stupid guy on spring break who sees a pretty girl. All I want to do is kiss
her. So look me in the eyes and tell me not to do it.”
“You know you can’t just kiss me, Jess.”
“No, I probably can’t. But I would rather kiss you goodbye and deal with the consequences than regret I never kissed you tonight.”
“This is insane. It will mess us up again.”
“You’re leavin’. How does it get more messed up than that? You didn’t even include me in your decision. You didn’t even ask me how I’d feel ‘bout it.”
“That’s not fair, Jess.”
“I know. Come here.”
Jess grabbed my hips and pulled me forward. I let him without a fight. The guilt of his words hit the mark, making it burn in my chest. He held onto my waist as I straddled his lap with one leg on each side of his thighs. My wrists dangled loosely around his neck. Sadie’s warnings came back, and I brushed them away. I remembered her words, but it was his face I could see; pleading with his eyes. Those damn blue eyes were always my undoing.
“Ok. One kiss and then…” I’d barely uttered my reply before he leaned in with a shocking, full-mouth kiss that sucked the words right off my tongue. Jess tasted better than every deep rooted memory I’d stored away that afternoon four years ago. His lips moved slowly and deeply as I struggled to stay focused.
“You taste like salt,” I muttered against his mouth.
“So do you.”
He kissed me again and I never even tried to stop him. The feeling consumed every piece of my conscious. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t think. It felt crazy, stupid and wonderful. He kissed down the side of my neck as my head tilted back and my eyes closed. He kissed down to the edge of my bra. Warmth spread from my belly button and into the rest of my body. I pulled back, overwhelmed by how far this quickly spiraled out of control.
“Want me to stop?”
Looking into those haunted eyes, I saw the raw pain I’d caused my friend. He didn’t think tonight could make things worse. It could get worse, but feeling his lips on my skin, I didn’t care.
“Don’t stop,” I hesitated, watching his face. “But it’s just tonight and we don’t talk about it, ok?”
“Just tonight.”
“Promise?”
The Mason List Page 28