How a Short Talk Can Make a Big Difference
Carol lived in the same town as her two kids (now in their twenties), but she didn’t really like living there. Though she wanted to move closer to her friends in California, she was worried that her children would feel abandoned if she left.
Both kids knew how miserable she was, so they actually wanted her to move, but they were afraid that she would feel rejected if they encouraged her to leave, so they never said anything.
After hearing all sides of the story for months, I finally suggested that we all get together for a mediated constructive talk, which is something they’d never done before.
In just thirty minutes, Carol confessed how guilty she felt for leaving the kids with their father when they were younger. She explained why it had been important for her to walk out of that abusive relationship when she did, and that this was why she was reluctant to leave even now, thinking that having abandoned them once before was enough.
The daughter started to cry, reassuring her mom that she had never blamed her for leaving their father. She had witnessed the abuse firsthand and thought her mom had done the right thing by walking out.
When the son spoke, he confessed that he had always blamed himself for his parents’ divorce. He didn’t know that it is actually very common for the youngest child in any separated family to feel this way. Hearing his mom’s story provided him with a whole new perspective on his own life and personal relationships.
In the end, both kids gave Carol their support in her decision to move to California, and the son is now a spokesperson against spousal abuse and for the importance of respecting women.
We all have fears, anxieties, shame, and regret in our hearts, yet we rarely share these intimate details with the people we love. If we’re truly committed to maturing as individuals and as a community, we’ve got to start being vulnerable with one another. So if you think it’s time to have a serious talk with your family, then start by setting some ground rules that keep it a safe place for everyone to share without being interrupted, judged or blamed.
There is no finger-pointing in non-violent communication, and no “should” statements. You might even want to have a mediator present to help keep the conversation calm and focused.
Be gentle with one another, and never nullify what someone holds in their heart. Listen with empathy, and speak with compassion. Healthy communication can open many doors and dispel assumptions we didn’t even know we had.
Apologizing doesn’t always mean that you’re wrong and the other person is right. It just means that you value your relationship more than your ego. —Anonymous
The Healing Power of Love
If you think that love isn’t enough, try going without it for a while and you’ll see that it’s everything. There is a love-shaped hole in our lives, and no amount of money will ever fill it.
Friendships nurture our hearts with that love, just as trees nourish the earth with oxygen. Good friends, therefore, are like a rainforest of affection.
Just as anyone would drown without air in their lungs, someone in depression is suffocating without love in their heart. You never know when a random act of kindness could literally save a person’s life.
So make an effort to meet your neighbors, get to know your co-workers, and befriend your classmates. A stranger is simply a friend you haven’t met yet.
Never underestimate the healing power of love. It is just as important for our survival as the food we eat, yet it’s free and available in unlimited supply.
Love is the strongest medicine.
Love is the only force capable of transforming an enemy into a friend. —Martin Luther King Jr.
RELIGION/SPIRITUALITY
A Simple Definition of God
How do we know for certain that things we cannot see truly exist?
Look at a picture of food, for example. The flavor, texture and scent are not in the photograph, but we know they’re there.
Our eyes detect only three dimensions (just as a camera captures only two), so whatever it is that makes life happen must exist in a dimension we simply cannot see. The energy that keeps us alive is beyond our five senses and very mysterious. Even though it is out of our control, we trust that it will wake us up tomorrow morning.
Whether we admit it or not, what we have is faith. We have tremendous faith that this unseen energy will keep the earth spinning, the grass growing, and our hearts beating five minutes from now. We don’t know this; we trust it.
Some people refer to this life force as “God,” while others call it “the Universe,” “Emptiness,” “Mother Nature,” or “Father Time.” The name you give it doesn’t matter as much as the appreciation you have for it.
God is not “out there” for us to pursue; God is in our heart to discover.
I believe in God, only I spell it Nature. —Frank Lloyd Wright
The Divinity Within
When inviting friends over for dinner, we try to cook something special and make sure the house is clean and tidy. We serve the meal on the dining table with some music in the background, and maybe even light a few candles to create a relaxed atmosphere. We have an innate urge to ensure that someone else’s experience of our home is pleasant, comforting and enjoyable. The question is this: Why do we rarely treat ourselves with the same dignity and respect as we do others?
Next time you prepare a meal for yourself, instead of eating it while standing next to the refrigerator (or hovering over the sink), sit down for a few minutes. Turn off the blaring television in the background, clear off the dining table, and embrace your own worthiness of the same ambiance that you offer guests.
Just as when we say, “Namaste,” meaning the divinity in us acknowledges and respects the divinity in others, pay homage to the God within you, and celebrate your greatness every day.
You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. —The Buddha
The Danger of Scripture
Every religious scripture documents someone else’s experience of God. Inspiring as the text may be, reading it is not the same as experiencing divinity firsthand.
Let’s take romance novels, for a similar example: they do a great job describing love as it was experienced by somebody else, but reading them or watching romantic comedies is quite different than actually falling in love.
Just as everybody’s encounter with love is different, so is each person’s experience of the divine—that is, their personal relationship with God.
Insight comes to different people at random ages in a multitude of ways. Your altar may have pictures of Jesus, the Buddha, Gandhi, Mother Teresa, the Dalai Lama, Martin Luther King Jr., and Tyler Durden all at the same time, because they are not in disagreement with one another. In fact, as Desmond Tutu and Karen Armstrong constantly remind us, the world’s religious leaders are not at war with one another. And as the Charter for Compassion points out, the principle of compassion lies at the heart of all religious, ethical and spiritual traditions, calling us to always treat others as we wish to be treated ourselves.
So do not limit the possibility of your experiences to what you have read in books. If you do, you might dismiss an encounter with God as simply bumping into a stranger on the bus. Divinity is in all beings, including you.
Scripture can be inspiring—but also dangerous, if you confuse it for the real thing. Admire the teaching, not the teacher.
Do not just read about generosity; BE generous. And do not just talk about patience, compassion and unconditional love; make them a part of your daily life!
Your beliefs don’t make you a better person; your behavior does. —Anonymous
Pray, Meditate, or Both?
Meditation is a method of training the mind to remain calm despite the continuous flux of external conditions. Prayer is a way of expressing our deep appreciation to God, Mother Nature, or the Universe at large for the gift of life.
A true prayer is one of gratitude for
the blessings in our lives; it is NOT a time to be greedy or to beg for more. We already have everything we need in order to be happy. So even saying, “God, please give me strength,” implies that we don’t already have it (when we actually do). Simply say, “Thank you for the strength,” and you will be empowered to tap into its unlimited supply.
By being grateful for what we have, we generate energy toward more of the same. So don’t focus on what you DON’T have, because energy flows where attention goes (meaning that you would just wind up with more of what you don’t want). Meditate to keep your mind firmly fixed in the right direction, and it will raise your awareness of things to be grateful for in your prayers. See the beautiful relationship between the two practices?
A common question is, “What’s the harm in praying for world peace?” The problem lies in the idea that it’s somebody else’s responsibility to make peace happen. Peace begins with YOU. So if you want to know how close we are to world peace, look within.
Prayer and meditation are both wonderful. In fact, reciting a prayer is a common meditation practice. Take the prayer of Saint Francis of Assisi, for example, as I understand it:
Where there is hatred within, train your mind to sow love; where there is injury, pardon; where there is doubt, faith; where there is despair, hope; where there is darkness, light; and where there is sadness, joy. Do not so much seek to be consoled as to console; to be understood as to understand; or to be loved as to love; for it’s in giving that we receive, it’s in pardoning that we are pardoned, and it’s by letting go of the concept of a separate “self” that we are born to eternal life.
If the only prayer you ever say in your entire life is “thank you,” it will be enough. —Johannes Eckhart
Leading by Example
Jesus was virtuous, had tremendous faith in love’s capacity to heal, and believed in peace and brotherhood (much like Martin Luther King Jr., Gandhi and John Lennon, all of whom were murdered for trying to dispel our fears by proclaiming the restorative capacity of forgiveness, compassion, patience and unity).
We mistakenly worship the teachers instead of the teachings, idolize them to have been more than mere humans, and construct beautiful but unreasonably exaggerated tales of their lives. This wouldn’t be a problem, per se, if the significance of their leading-by-example didn’t get washed out in the process.
The best way to express our faith is to live as they did. Love your neighbors (which includes all beings of all walks of life, not just those who speak your language and have the same color skin); be kind to everyone; give; forgive; let go of greed, hatred, and ignorance; be passionate and compassionate; and trust that God knows what she’s doing (and that there isn’t anything that God isn’t or can’t be).
The name you give God is not as important as the appreciation you have for it.
May we have gratitude for the teachings, put our trust in the process, and avoid extremes. It is an incredibly beautiful world we live in, with much to be grateful for.
You need not wait until December 31st to make resolutions, nor do you need to be at church in order to pray. Just express your appreciation for life itself by loving God, yourself, and others.
Make THAT your resolution, and you will never know fear.
Every day is the birth of a new you. What are your New You Resolutions?
There are, strictly speaking, no enlightened people; there is only enlightened activity. —Shunryu Suzuki
Karma
Someone once tried to explain the laws of karma (the laws of cause and effect) by using a metaphor. They asked us to imagine a figure in the sky that not only watches everything we do, but rewards us with blessings for our good deeds, and punishes us with bad luck for each harmful act.
While the intentions of that metaphor were sincere, karma isn’t judgment; it’s consequence. WE are the ones responsible.
If you steal from someone today, for example, it must be because you don’t fully understand the pain of being robbed (for if you truly did, you wouldn’t steal). You essentially set the universe in motion to cause someone else to steal from you one day, so that you can understand what it feels like.
This will happen again and again (over multiple lifetimes) until you finally understand and vow to never steal again. Come to think of it, this can be seen as a wonderful reward, for you are given the opportunity to learn something new. It is therefore good practice to think of everyone we meet as a teacher.
Buddhism not only honors everyone’s path, but respects where everyone currently is on their path. That is why we don’t have a list of commandments, so to speak, but a gentle invitation to be more mindful and aware.
If you want to familiarize yourself with the precepts of Buddhism, I recommend reading Thich Nhat Hanh’s literary gem, For a Future to Be Possible.
What lesson have you learned in the past but haven’t yet vowed to never do to someone else (or to yourself) again?
Can you start today?
How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours. —Wayne Dyer
The Message, Not the Messenger
I remember the first time I ever heard the Dalai Lama speak. He was talking about Self-Control, Determination, and Freedom from Anger, and that was exactly two years after I’d had the same words tattooed on my chest.
Although I never had a name for what I initially thought was my own collection of beliefs and philosophies, it became clear that I wasn’t alone. Do I call it Buddhism or Compassion? And is there a difference?
“Kindness is my religion,” he said, and I still believe that it’s as good a label as any.
I became mesmerized by Thich Nhat Hanh, Jack Kornfield and Dan Millman, but whenever I spoke to my teachers and said something like, “I just love Neale Donald Walsch and Pema Chödrön. Aren’t they amazing?!” they would just look at me with a gentle smile and say, “Be careful there.”
I knew what they meant: focus on the teachings, not the teacher.
Today, with Facebook being an amazing platform and communication tool, we are all students and teachers, and there are many messengers out there, but the message is always the same; the message is LOVE.
The best way to truly honor our teachers is to do as they did, and spread the love.
Take Buddhist Boot Camp, for example. I am not a teacher; I’m a sharer. All I do is tell you what I’ve been through, and sometimes you get something out of it. The chapters in this book, and the messages I post on Facebook, are journal entries that I have decided to share with the world. When somebody else’s story resonates with us, we realize that we’re not alone, and we are more alike than we care to admit. This is an important step in breaking down our illusion of separateness, and bringing us closer together.
The Buddha was not a God. He never claimed to be a God, the son of God, or a messenger of God. He was a man who gained clear perspective of the world through nothing more than human effort. And if he was able to do it then, we can do it now!
Being enlightened isn’t something you “become”; it is something you continually do! The dictionary defines it as having or showing a rational, modern, and well-informed outlook. It is determined by your behavior, not your beliefs. So go out there and practice being the best version of you there is.
Not all those who wander are lost. —J.R.R. Tolkien
Buddhism as a Windshield Wiper
Buddhism is often misunderstood. I remember my own dad telling me that he thought we worship “the fat guy” statue that he is accustomed to seeing at Chinese restaurants.
“Buddha” literally means “the awakened one,” and there are a lot of Buddhas, not just one. Many sages have awakened from the illusion of separateness, which is what we are all capable of doing, and that’s why you too are a Buddha (we’re just asleep and trying to wake up, that’s all).
The Indians have their own depiction of the Buddha, as do the Thai, the Japanese, and, of course, the Chinese, whose Buddha you often see at restaurants with kids running around him
. In each case it is simply a cultural depiction of absolute Happiness the way they understand it, nothing more.
What I really like about Buddhism is that the Buddha was a simple man, not “holier than thou” or something we could never be. He was just like you and me. He wasn’t a God (although some sects refer to him as “Lord Buddha”), nor was he special in any way until the figurative lightbulb over his head turned on. Once he understood how the universe was interconnected, almost everyone thought he was crazy (some still do). But a few people realized he was on to something—something beautiful—and so his teachings started to spread to neighboring countries (and continue to).
As is the case with any idea once it is shared, there are many different variations—sects—of Buddhism, and some even contradict one another. Remember playing “broken telephone” in first grade? Same concept!
Buddhist Boot Camp, however, is non-sectarian, sticking to the simple principles as they were prior to being infused with the surrounding culture; some flavor from different teachers has inevitably stuck, but I’m trying my best.
Is Buddhism a religion? That depends on how you define “religion.” There is no “God” theory (in the sense of a creator), and any reference to God is to the divinity within all beings (leaving no sentient beings behind). So if it is a religion, then it’s like no other.
I think of Buddhism as a philosophy, or a school of thought. You can be Christian or Jewish, for example, and still find the Buddha’s teachings helpful and motivational.
In the smallest nutshell I could possibly find, the Buddha taught that we cause our own suffering when we get attached to impermanent things. We cling to people, health and youth, even though we intellectually know that nothing lasts forever. That’s why the concept of “letting go” is so fundamental to Buddhism. Acknowledge everything that passes by like a cloud in the sky: some are beautiful, fluffy, and make us smile, while some are dark and cold—but they’re all impermanent.
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