by Maya Banks
Pippa settled in the chair beside Ashley’s bed while Devon continued to pace in a small area behind them. She reached for Ashley’s hand and offered a comforting squeeze.
“Are you excited?”
Ashley took a deep breath. “Excited. Scared out of my mind. I just want to know how soon I can get my epidural.”
Pippa shuddered.
“I kind of wish now that I’d found out what we’re having,” Ashley said mournfully. “I thought it would be exciting to be all surprised when the doctor said ‘it’s a boy’ or ‘it’s a girl,’ but now I’m thinking no surprises is a good thing.”
Pippa nodded her agreement. Of course if she’d opted not to find out, maybe Cam wouldn’t have wigged out, but then it probably wouldn’t have been good for him to find out on delivery day. The more time he had to come to terms with the fact he was having another son, the better. Or at least that was her way of thinking.
Devon moved to the other side of Ashley’s bed and leaned down to kiss her temple. “It’ll be all right, Ash. You’re going to do great.”
Ashley looked up with such love in her eyes, love that was openly reflected in Devon’s tender gaze. Pippa had to look away and swallow against the knot forming in her throat. She wanted this. What they had. She and Cam hadn’t even discussed if he’d be here when the baby came. She assumed he would, but she was learning it was dangerous to assume anything when it came to him.
She stood abruptly, tears burning the lids of her eyes. “I’ll be right back. I need to make a phone call. Check on the store.”
She all but fled from Ashley’s hospital room, shutting the door behind her and leaning heavily on it as she tried to clear her blurry vision. She pushed off the door and hurried down the hall to the waiting room where hopefully she could regain her composure. Ashley needed her to be strong today.
* * *
Throughout the day, visitors came and went. Ashley’s mother barged into the room a few hours after Pippa arrived, mortified that she couldn’t be reached the minute Ashley went into labor. Pippa was glad to see Mrs. Copeland. She just had a way of making everything better. She’d already hugged Pippa no less than a dozen times and Pippa gloried in each one.
Tabitha, Carly and Sylvia came by but didn’t stay long since the room was growing more crowded with Ashley’s family. Pippa herself had already decided she’d retire down the hall to the waiting area so she wouldn’t be in the way.
She crept out, snagged a cup of water from the cooler and sat in a comfortable chair to wait the arrival of the baby. As the day wore on, more people filtered into the waiting room and it was alive with conversation and excitement.
Ashley had a large family and it seemed that every single one of them was going to be present for the birth of Ashley’s child.
Pippa’s heart squeezed because she couldn’t imagine such a wonderful fuss when it came time for her baby to be born. How marvelous it must be to have a huge, loving family who gathered for special occasions and celebrated with such vibrancy.
Here in a room full of warm, friendly people, she’d never felt so alone in her life.
“Have you eaten anything today?”
She jumped, pulled suddenly from her thoughts by the sound of Cam’s voice coming from behind her. She turned around and shook her head, watching as he frowned his disapproval.
“Let’s go down to the cafeteria,” Cam said.
He started to take her elbow but she pulled away. “I’m not leaving now. Ashley is going to deliver at any minute. No way am I missing this.”
Cam seemed to take in the expectant air that permeated the room. He drew his lips into a thin line and then said, “I’ll go get you something. You need to eat.”
She shrugged—which seemed to irritate him—but she wasn’t exactly concerned with him at the moment.
With another inquisitive look in her direction, Cam turned and walked out of the waiting room. Pippa blew out her breath and settled back in her seat. Yeah, he probably was confused as to why she was snippy. In his mind, he’d probably already blown off the fact that he’d hightailed it after sex again. And he had no way of knowing just how muddled Pippa’s own feelings were and how close to her breaking point she was.
Fifteen minutes later, Cam returned with a foam carry-out container and handed it to her with plastic utensils.
“I wasn’t sure what to get you to drink, so I got you a bottle of water.”
“That’s fine,” she said, retrieving it from his grasp. “You aren’t eating?”
“I ate before I came.”
He parked himself in the chair next to her, extending his long legs as she opened the container. The spaghetti and garlic bread looked good, but she had absolutely no desire to eat. Her stomach was too churned up.
She managed a few bites and pushed the food around so it would look like she was eating. The only problem was, she could feel Cam’s stare on her and knew he wasn’t fooled.
She was saved when Ashley’s father, William Copeland, burst into the waiting room, grinning from ear to ear. “It’s a girl! I have a granddaughter!”
The room erupted with excitement. Pippa put her plate down and rose with the others to converge on Mr. Copeland. The smiles were huge. Lots of hugging. It was everything Pippa wanted for her own delivery.
A few minutes later, Devon appeared holding a tiny bundle in his arms. He was smiling so big that his face had to hurt. But then Pippa watched as Cam converged on his friend, his own smile a match to Devon’s.
Her mouth drooped as Cam peered over the blanket at the baby, his eyes glowing as he and Devon exchanged comments. Worse, Devon readily handed the baby over to Cam and they stood together cooing and talking baby nonsense.
Pippa hadn’t thought it possible to hurt more than she had the day of her sonogram. She stood locked in stone as she watched the same man who’d walked away from her and her baby make a total moron of himself over that tiny little girl.
Cam handed the baby back, slapped Devon on the back and heartily congratulated him. The room was a buzz of excited chatter, congratulations and oohs and aahs. But Pippa was focused on Cam. Cam, who was smiling. Cam, who was happy. Cam, who clearly had it in him to love.
So why couldn’t he love her and their child?
Eighteen
Pippa was no longer able to stand there and pretend that everything was fine when she was dying on the inside.
In the excitement, she was able to slip away unnoticed. As she headed toward the elevator, she bumped into one of Ashley’s cousins and asked her if she’d make Pippa’s excuses to the new mother. She walked into the elevator, turning to stare at the jubilation at the opposite end of the corridor. Tears pricked her eyelids as she punched the button for the first floor.
Just as the doors started to slide closed, Cam looked up and their gazes connected. His brow furrowed and he started forward, but the gap closed and the elevator began its descent.
Realizing that Cam would likely come down after her, she headed out and crossed the street, deciding to walk a few blocks before hailing a cab.
The night air was chilly despite the earlier sunshine and warmth. And what a perfect day it had been for Ashley’s baby girl to be born. Spring. The beginning of new life. A fresh start. Life after a long winter.
So symbolic, and yet for her, spring meant death.
Okay, so she was being a little dramatic, but sadness had a firm grip on her throat and it wasn’t letting go.
She loved Cam. Despite his many flaws.
But she wanted him to smile at her and their child the way he’d looked down and smiled at Devon and Ashley’s daughter. She wanted to see him light up and look…happy. Had he ever seemed so carefree when he was with her?
It had been like looking at an entirely
different person. Was this the way he was around people he cared about? Ashley had said he was always gentle and even tender with her.
So it wasn’t that he didn’t care about people or that he was incapable of love. It was just as he’d said. He didn’t want to love her. Or their son.
A sob escaped as she raised her hand to hail an oncoming cab. It never slowed and she dropped her hand, staring down the street in search of the next one.
Tears streaked down her cheeks, but she made no effort to wipe them away. What was the point?
She leaned out when she saw another cab approach and slow down. She climbed in, barely managing to tell the driver her cross street. He gave her an odd look in his rearview mirror as he pulled into traffic.
Her cell phone rang but she didn’t bother to dig it out of her purse. It was Cam. She’d known he’d call. After a moment, the phone went silent and then a ping sounded, signaling a text message.
She was nearing her apartment, when her phone rang again. It was Ashley’s ringtone. Pippa dug into her purse, fumbling for the phone.
“Ash?” she said as she put the phone to her ear.
“No, it’s Devon.”
Pippa went silent for a moment. “Is everything okay with Ashley and the baby?”
“I’m more concerned with whether you’re all right,” Devon said in a low voice.
“I’m f-fine,” she said in a shaky voice. “Really. I hope I didn’t hurt Ashley’s feelings by not hanging around. I just figured she’d be exhausted and with all her family there I’d just be in the way.”
“You’re never in the way, Pippa,” Devon said gently. It was as if he knew precisely how upset Pippa was. As if he was standing in front of her, watching her cry. “I just wanted to make sure everything was okay with you. I know…I know it had to be hard for you to see that. Cam, I mean.”
It was then Pippa realized that Devon had indeed picked up on the very thing she had. She closed her eyes, a fresh resurgence of tears sliding hotly down her cheeks.
“I appreciate your concern, Dev. Truly. But I’m okay. You should be focusing on Ashley and that beautiful baby girl. Tell Ash that I’ll come see her tomorrow when things are a little less crazy, I promise. But you’re right. I couldn’t stay there tonight. I…I just had to go.”
“I understand,” Devon said. “Chin up, Pippa. If killing him would help, I’d give serious consideration to it. Only the knowledge that I was once the same sort of bastard and that I eventually saw the light is saving me from tossing him off a bridge.”
Pippa smiled as her cab pulled to a stop. “Thanks, Dev. I’m home now so I’ll let you get back to your family. Give Ash my love and I’ll see her tomorrow.”
“Take care, Pippa,” Devon said. “If you need us, you know we’re here.”
“I do know,” she said softly.
She thrust money at the driver and then ducked out and hurried down the sidewalk toward her apartment. She glanced down at her phone to see she had several text messages. All from Cam.
The last?
Damn it, Pippa. Pick up the phone. What happened? Are you all right?
She slid the phone back into her purse and grabbed her keys as she mounted the steps to her door.
No, she wasn’t all right. She’d never been so not all right in her life.
* * *
The next day was a test of her endurance. She woke early after having not slept well at all and went into the café to get a start on the baking.
She enjoyed a steady stream of customers, many effusive in their praise of her goodies. She should be on top of the freaking world but it was all she could do to keep her head up for the duration of the day.
The only thing that made it bearable was the fact that Cam didn’t show up. She was half-afraid he would after she refused to answer his calls or texts the night before.
After locking up, she went home and took a long nap. Or at least she tried. She lay down and went through the motions of napping, but her mind wouldn’t shut down and all she could do was replay Cam’s smile and his joy from the night before.
She was wrung out, disillusioned, and she knew it was time for her to make a decision. She could no longer afford to hang around hoping that one day Cam woke up, pulled his head out of his ass and realized his life wasn’t over.
She pushed herself from the bed, made a halfhearted attempt to straighten her appearance and then trudged to her kitchen to get a drink and try to shake the cobwebs from her brain.
First she’d go visit Ashley and make up for the fact that she’d bailed on her the day before. Her friends came first.
Not bothering with a coat—it was her hope that the chilly evening air would give her a much-needed wake up—she left her apartment and walked to the end of the block to hail a cab. She just didn’t have it in her to walk the extra few blocks to the subway.
When she got to the hospital, visitor hours were almost over but she headed up to the maternity ward, anyway. The worst they could do was kick her out.
She knocked quietly on Ashley’s door, hoping her friend wasn’t asleep. A moment later, the door opened and Devon appeared.
“Come on in,” Devon said with apparent relief. His gaze sharpened as he took in Pippa’s appearance, and without a further word, he simply pulled her into his arms and gave her a huge hug.
She hadn’t known just how badly she needed that until his arms surrounded her. She bit into her lip to keep from bursting into tears on the spot. She was here to see Ashley and the baby, not blubber all over her and her husband.
“Thank you,” Pippa whispered against Devon’s chest. “How is Ash?”
“Go see for yourself,” he said as he pulled away. “She’s holding Katelynn now.”
Pippa hurried past the private bathroom and approached the bed. She stopped and stared at the beautiful sight of Ashley with her daughter cradled in her arms.
Ashley smiled broadly. “Hey, Pip. Come on over and see her. She’s so beautiful.”
“You’re breast-feeding her?” Pippa whispered as she went to Ashley’s bedside and stared down at the tiny infant. “Is it hard?”
Ashley smiled. “A little at first but the nurses here are so great. They helped a lot and then Katelynn did the rest. She’s a real champ at it now.”
Devon pushed a chair to the side of the bed and motioned for Pippa to sit.
“So Dev said Cam was a real butthead last night,” Ashley said in a low voice.
Pippa sighed. “Let’s not talk about him, Ash. This is your time to be happy and enjoy your beautiful baby without listening to your friend complain.”
Ashley gently broke suction and pulled her gown back to cover her breast. Then she looked toward Devon. “Want to see if she’ll burp for you?”
Devon reached over Pippa to take the bundle and went to sit in the recliner by the window.
“Now,” Ashley said, crossing her arms over her chest. “Spill. You look terrible, Pip. You’re clearly unhappy.”
The knot grew larger in Pippa’s throat and her eyes clouded with tears once again.
“I’m miserable, but it’s my own fault. I totally set myself up for this. I walked into this knowing the score. I’m just frustrated and heartsick. I’m going to confront him, Ash. It’s stupid but it’s something I have to do.”
Ashley reached over to take her hand and squeeze. “What are you going to say to him?”
Pippa emitted a harsh laugh that grated on her own ears. “I’m going to tell him I love him.”
Ashley blew out her breath. “You’re so much braver than I am. You always were.”
“Yeah, but you’re smarter, so we’re even,” Pippa muttered.
“Not true. Okay, so after you tell him you love him, what then?”
/> Pippa sighed. “Then nothing. He’ll do what he always does and I’ll walk away but this time it’ll be for good. I just feel like I have to give him this last chance. Or maybe it’s just me and I want one last chance. Either way, I need it to be final. I can’t continue this hot-and-cold thing we have going. My eyes were opened last night. I realized that he’s happy around other people. Just not me. And that hurt.”
“Oh, Pip,” Ashley said, her whole face a mask of sympathy. “I wish…”
“I do, too,” Pippa said. “But wishes aren’t real. Wishing is for fairy tales. Cam is no Prince Charming and I’m no princess living happily ever after.”
Ashley seemed to be on the verge of tears and the very last thing Pippa wanted was to further upset her friend. Not when she should be on top of the world. So she forced cheer into her voice and a smile onto her lips as she rose to hug Ashley.
“I’m going to steal that baby from Devon for a minute and then I’m going to get out of here and let you rest.”
She turned toward Devon, who slowly lifted his daughter away from his shoulder and placed her in Pippa’s arms.
She held the baby close, studying every inch of her softness. She touched the tuft of hair on top of Katelynn’s head, feeling the silky, delicate strands. Someone had affixed a tiny little bow just in front of her soft spot. Pink and girlie. So much like Ashley.
She ran her finger over the tiny fingertips and watched in fascination as they curled around Pippa’s own finger and made a tight fist.
She was instantly and completely won over, heart and soul. She was absolutely in love with this little girl. Who wouldn’t be? But then it had been the same when she’d seen her son on the sonogram monitor for the first time. Instant love. Unconditional. A bond that couldn’t be broken.
It hadn’t been the same for Cam. He hadn’t been able to leave fast enough.
She briefly closed her eyes and then lowered her head so she could brush her lips across Katelynn’s forehead. She inhaled the sweet baby scent and then brought the baby back over to where Ashley lay.