The Honeywood Files

by H. B. Creswell

  Our friend will allow me a special extra discount of ten percent and we shall have his advice in the choice of tints and decorative embellishments as he promises that our house shall represent the best modern effects possible.

  With kind regards,

  Yours sincerely,

  Silly old man!

  SPINLOVE TO BRASH

  Dear Sir Leslie Brash,19.9.25.

  I know nothing of Riddoppo, I am afraid, except that it is advertised in the Tube lift I daily use as a “new novelty super paint,” but this description, I assure you, is no recommendation but rather the opposite. Grigblay is responsible for the painting, and the paint specified is well known and the best results can be obtained from it. I can hardly think that Riddoppo is of any practical value as a fire-proofing, nor that it will hide cracks opening under it. The ability to resist jets of acid and super-heated steam will not count for much at Honeywood, and you will not want it “polished”; and as linseed oil and zinc white have been proved by long years of use to give perfect results it is surely not an advantage, but a disadvantage, that Riddoppo does not contain them.

  I trust that you will not allow your friend to settle the colours of the rooms. This is a matter which Lady Brash and yourself should alone decide; it should depend entirely on your individual taste and the completion of the design of the house as a whole. I do not think your friend can have had any experience in this matter, or he would not make such proposals as you describe; nor would he make any proposals at all before he had seen the house in a state approaching completion.

  With kind regards,

  Yours sincerely,

  P.S.—I am sending Grigblay a further certificate for £2,400, and enclose note of my own fees in respect of that sum.

  There is a touch of the East wind in this letter. Its logic is a shade too devastating though we may admire the tact with which Spinlove urges that the Brashes alone should decide the decorative scheme when his intention must be to guide that decision.

  BRASH TO SPINLOVE

  Dear Mr. Spinlove,20.9.25.

  I have perused your communication with close attention but you must permit me to indicate to you that the confidence with which you asseverate condemnation of Riddoppo super-paint, of which you admit you know nothing, seems to me—if you will permit me to say so—a little wanting in logical reasoning. You also ignore the fact that Riddoppo is free from odoriferous emanations, a charm which makes it peculiarly attractive to Lady Brash, whose gastric equipment is sensitively disposed to olfactory aggression of every description (i.e. dislikes smells. Excellent!).

  My friend, a most eminent commercial gentleman, would be the last to be misled by deceptive assertions and as the various meritorious desirabilities of Riddoppo make it most suitable to our desires, I request you will direct Mr. Grigblay to apply it throughout.

  Certainly it is our intention to decide on the tints selected.

  Yours sincerely,

  Brash’s friend, though the last to be misled, may be the first to mislead.

  SPINLOVE TO GRIGBLAY

  Dear Sir,21.9.25.

  Sir Leslie Brash wishes Riddoppo super-paint used throughout. Will you please get me full particulars of this paint and the manufacturers’ instructions for using, and I will send you revised specification.

  I enclose further certificate for £2,400.

  Yours faithfully,

  Apparently Spinlove is not, as before seemed, fully aware of the danger of experimenting with new kinds of paints.

  SPINLOVE TO BRASH

  Dear Sir Leslie Brash,21.9.25.

  I have directed Grigblay to use Riddoppo super-paint throughout, as you wish.

  I hope you will reconsider painting the rooms out all in different colours. It is, I assure you, a thing which no one with knowledge of house decoration would propose. Your friend’s idea seems to be to turn Honeywood into a paint manufacturers’ show room. This, I am sure, will be intolerable to you.

  With kind regards,

  Yours sincerely,

  More kind regards! Spinlove has got well home but he hits Brash nearly as hard as he hits Brash’s friend, the “influential commercial gentleman.”

  GRIGBLAY TO SPINLOVE

  Dear Sir,22.9.25.

  We know nothing of Riddoppo super-paint, and private inquiries we have made have had no satisfactory result; we therefore have respectfully to state that we cannot accept responsibility for same.

  Yours faithfully,

  Spinlove should have made inquiries and satisfied himself before calling upon Grigblay to use the paint.

  SPINLOVE TO BRASH

  Dear Sir Leslie Brash,23.9.25.

  I enclose copy of Grigblay’s reply to my instructions to use Riddoppo.

  Yours sincerely,

  BRASH TO SPINLOVE

  Dear Mr. Spinlove,24.9.25.

  I have not been informed of the precise nature of your communication to Mr. Grigblay anent Riddoppo paint, but I must protest most vigorously against what I apprehend to have very much the appearance of a conspiracy to resist the performance of my wishes. This is intolerable and beyond bearing. I assume that Mr. Grigblay anticipates that he will benefit financially by the handsome profit he has doubtless credited to himself on the painting, and is desirous to prevent my obtaining the 10% special discount; but Mr. Grigblay should be informed that it is his business to receive orders and not precisely to give them. It is for me, I apprehend, to decide what paint shall be used in my own residence, and for Mr. Grigblay to assume to dictate to me on this or any other matter is—if he will allow me to say so—perfectly monstrous and unendurable.

  I do not know what the man means by “responsibility,” and if I may be permitted to be perfectly frank, I do not care. I give the order and the responsibility for giving the order is mine. Mr. Grigblay’s responsibility is to do what he is told at once.

  The colours of the various rooms will be eventually decided later, but in that matter also I consider it is for the owner of the house to give orders and not, precisely, to receive them.

  Yours faithfully (sic),

  Liver!

  SPINLOVE TO GRIGBLAY

  Dear Sir,25.9.25.

  I am instructed by Sir Leslie Brash to order you to paint with Riddoppo, as already directed. Sir Leslie Brash accepts all responsibility.

  Yours faithfully,

  Does Spinlove understand fully what that responsibility is? Grigblay understands well enough, but the indications are that Spinlove does not.

  SPINLOVE TO BRASH

  Dear Sir (sic),25.9.25.

  I have instructed Mr. Grigblay to use Riddoppo, as you direct.

  Mr. Grigblay knows nothing of the discount you speak of and it would make no difference if he did for he is not going to pay it. If profit were his chief concern he would not have tendered for such a house as Honeywood.

  I enclose copy of my letter to Mr. Grigblay of to-day and also of my previous letters to him, so that all evidence of our conspiracy may be safely in your hands. These can be attested if you wish. My files are open to your inspection.

  I think it is very hard, Sir, that after my unsparing efforts to give you a house which will be entirely satisfactory to you, it should be handed over for a paint manufacturer to celebrate himself by turning it into a colour-cure asylum for lunatics—Red for melancholia, Blue for homicidal frenzy, Yellow for religious mania, etc.—for this exactly describes—if you will permit me to be perfectly frank—the ignorant folly of your friend’s proposal; and that because I warned you of the risk of experimenting with an untried paint, utterly discredited by the claims of its lying advertisements, I should be taken heavily to task; and because the builder independently expresses the same distrust I should be charged with conspiracy with him to deceive you.

  I have arranged to go abroad for a belated holiday on Friday and expect to be back in three or four weeks. I shall be moving from place to place so that I shall be out of reach of letters, as I am in need of rest.

&n
bsp; Yours faithfully,

  Nerves! Brash has broken the camel’s back. Brash’s letter which provokes this spirited answer is in autograph. Had it been typed, the reference to conspiracy comes very near indeed to libel and as it was sent to Spinlove’s office where the presumption is that all letters, not marked confidential, are opened by clerks, the question of libel may still stand.

  It is clear that Spinlove was bound to protest, and undignified and childish as his letter is, he has probably met the matter in the best kind of way. Since his letter is a spontaneous expression of natural feelings, it may be easy to excuse and forget; whereas a stiff protest and demand for the withdrawal, which cannot be refused, might not readily be either forgiven or forgotten. If Spinlove had written on the same impulse, but without losing self control, he would be likely to have served his own and Brash’s interests perfectly. In doing so he might well have said—“I am sure on reconsidering your letter you will feel that it is not only unfair to me and to Mr. Grigblay, but that I am bound to ask for a withdrawal of the word ‘conspiracy.’”

  In point of fact Spinlove is making far too big an outcry over this rainbowed bedroom idea. When the time comes he will no doubt be able to soften the horrors he dreads, but in any case the Brashes are entitled to have what decorations they want, and the enormity of the proposal depends rather on its application than upon its principle. Spinlove’s vanity is more deeply concerned than his aesthetic convictions, I fancy.

  BRASH TO SPINLOVE

  Dear Spinlove (sic!),26.9.25.

  I hasten to immediately respond to your communication. I apprehend that the epistolatory intimation to which you take exception was indited with unduly hurried precipitation for which I desire to proffer profound regrets and tender sincere apologies. I employed the word conspiracy, as I anticipate you will on reflection perceive, terminologically and figuratively and solely in its loose phraseological and allegorical application without ulterior signification. [Bravo! A bag of nuts to Sir Leslie Brash.]

  Lady Brash and myself design to enter into consultation with you on the subject of the decorations before arriving at definite decisions on variegation of tints and, as you are aware, we greatly appreciate the attentiveness of the care you have expended on the operations, and the excellence of Mr. Grigblay’s meritorious performance of the work.

  With best wishes from us both for a successfully regenerative holiday.

  Always yours sincerely,

  P.S.—I shall be gratefully appreciative of occasional messages signifying your whereabouts for telegraphic communication, if necessary. In the interim of your absence I will keep a close inspection on the operations and communicate with your office.

  As Spinlove’s friend Dalbet said, “a real good sort”! Ridiculous as the old boy is, this is not merely a generous but a sympathetic letter. It is, however, a little surprising, as was that it replies to. There is somehow a lack of reserve—a background of intimacy—which the facts before us do not explain. Perhaps the upheaval when Lady Brash took control is accountable. Anyhow, Spinlove can go away and enjoy his holiday. There is a note “Answered 27.9.25.” on the corner of the letter, so that Spinlove appears to have acknowledged it in his own hand.

  SIR LESLIE BRASH TAKES CHARGE

  There is a partial hiatus in the file owing to Spinlove’s being on holiday abroad. If he has left adequate drawings and instructions behind him, Grigblay will endure his absence with an equanimity Spinlove probably has no idea of and on his return all will be found safe and satisfactory—unless possibly it is not. The chief dangers are Brash’s interference and the immovable steadfastness of Bloggs the foreman who is likely to follow what he deems to be his instructions with a devotion which no obstacles will discourage.

  SPINLOVE’S ASSISTANT TO BRASH

  Dear Sir,12.10.25.

  Regret was not at office when telephoned inquiry received.

  Have heard nothing from Mr. Spinlove except one word wirelessed from aeroplane near Barcelona ten days ago. On inquiry ascertain this not code word but given to understand means Mr. Spinlove in good health and enjoying holiday.

  At present Mr. Spinlove believed to be Corsica or Athens unless breaking journey Constantinople; therefore difficult to cable, but in any case scarcely possible make your question clear or for Mr. Spinlove to reply without drawings at hand. In circumstances think best hold off work terrace steps until return. Have directed Mr. Grigblay accordingly.

  Yours faithfully,

  r.s. pintle,

  for j. spinlove.

  Pintle seems to have modelled his style on the penny-a-word diction appropriate to inland telegrams. Spinlove should not allow this.

  PINTLE TO BRASH

  Dear Sir,15.10.25.

  Your telephone message directing proceed work terrace steps received. Have instructed Mr. Grigblay accordingly.

  Yours faithfully,

  MISS BRASH TO PINTLE

  Dear Sir,15.10.25.

  If you feel at liberty to do so, will you say what the single word was which Mr. Spinlove wirelessed, as there is a great difference of opinion here.

  Yours truly,

  phyllis brash.

  PINTLE TO LADY PHYLLIS BRASH (SIC)

  Madam,

  In reply beg state word wirelessed by Mr. Spinlove Oct. 2nd YOICKS. This not code word but informed means Mr. Spinlove in good health and enjoying holiday.

  Yours respectfully,

  Pintle has, it will be seen, made “Pud” a lady in her own right.

  He evidently supposed the letter was from Lady Brash and was ignorant of the titular distinction. “Pud” will laugh and her dad’s ambitions may be flattered. Pintle is apparently a draughtsman who has taken charge in Spinlove’s absence.

  (TELEGRAM) BRASH, PENZANCE, TO SPINLOVE,

  LONDON

  On further cogitation decided desist from work terrace steps ends Brash.

  PINTLE TO BRASH

  Dear Sir,18.10.25.

  Am in receipt your telegram and ordered work terrace steps be abandoned.

  Yours faithfully,

  BRASH TO PINTLE

  Dear Sir,22.10.25.

  My telephonic communication from Penzance was I apprehend too hurriedly precipitate, as on inspecting the work on my return I find I was a little misled in my preventative precautions and I desire that Mr. Grigblay shall now proceed with the steps.

  Yours faithfully,

  PINTLE TO BRASH

  Dear Sir,23.10.25.

  Your instructions regarding terrace noted and have again cancelled previous order, as directed.

  Yours faithfully,

  The word excised hints that even the purely vicarious duties of Pintle do not save him from an impulse of rebellion.

  PINTLE TO GRIGBLAY

  Dear Mr. Grigblay,23.10.25.

  Sorry, but old man Brash written now definitely terrace steps are to go on. Am doing best keep things straight but O.M.B. not able make up mind.

  Yours truly,

  Pintle addresses Grigblay personally apparently to propitiate him, and because he is ashamed of writing these contradictory orders. He has, of course, no business to write letters behind the scenes. He is clearly a second-rate fellow deficient in loyalty. We may suppose the copy was made and filed without his cognizance.

  GRIGBLAY TO SPINLOVE

  Dear Sir,24.10.25.

  We note that work on terrace steps is now to go on and we have given orders accordingly. May we remind you that in eleven days we have laid our men off this work or put them on again no less than four times. We must point out that such confusion of orders is not reasonable and is beyond what we are entitled to expect. If there is any question, the work had better stand till Mr. Spinlove can decide what is to be done. This disorganisation of our arrangements is a serious matter for us, and we regret we shall have to make a charge to cover loss of men’s time.

  Yours faithfully,

  As before, Grigblay shows he will not stand nonsense.

  PINTLE TO
BRASH

  Dear Sir,25.10.25.

  Enclosed copy of letter received to-day Mr. Grigblay which perhaps you ought to see.

  Yours truly,

  BRASH TO PINTLE

  Dear Sir,26.10.25.

  I shall be obliged if you will signify to Mr. Grigblay my apologetic regrets that the necessary preventative precautions should have incommoded him. In the circumstances I am greatly pleased to accept the suggestion he makes and I desire him to desist from operations on the terrace steps until Mr. Spinlove’s return.

  Yours faithfully,

  Five times!

  GRIGBLAY TO SPINLOVE

  Dear Sir,30.10.25.

  We understand you are back and enclose list of extras ordered by Sir Leslie Brash during your absence. They are of a minor character and as Bloggs received the orders when the men were actually at work, he had to do what he was told or stop the work. We have kept time sheets as the work cannot be measured and must be charged day-work.

  We understand from Bloggs that the bedrooms are to be papered. As you know, they are being finished with a felt-faced float for distempering. We shall be glad of particulars of papers at once. Bloggs was given orders to dark stain oak, but we await your directions.

  Yours faithfully,

  Builders are always ready to render day-work accounts—that is accounts based on the cost of the men’s time and of materials—instead of accounts based on measurements priced at the contract rates, and it is only fair they should do so when the work involves pulling down or small separate jobs; but the method is unsatisfactory for the owner because, as the builder will be reimbursed for all his outgoings and he receives in addition (usually) 15 percent on the net cost for establishment charges and profit, there is no inducement to economy; and because, as the workmen and the foreman are aware of the circumstances, there is a tendency for everyone to ease off on day-work. In addition to this, the logging of the men’s time is in the foreman’s charge and, as he is accountable to the builder for keeping down the cost of labour covered by the tender, the day-work time sheets are apt to record hours which, properly, should be charged against the contract. Day work accounts, unlike measured accounts, always pay the builder; and from what has been said it will be realized that a dishonest builder can make them pay a great deal too well.