"You always used to joke that I was the best relationship with a woman you ever had."
"You were," he answered softly. "You were who I ran to when I needed someone to just listen. Eric is my best friend but you...you always just knew how to give me what I needed whether it was a kick in the ass or a hug." Pausing, his tongue darted out and swiped at his lips. "I missed having that in my life. I missed you." Nathalie dropped her eyes and said nothing. "I don't think I realized that until just now. I think I spent so much time being angry with you for reducing my friend to rubble that I didn't realize that I was angry with you for leaving me too."
Several tears trickled down her face. Swiping aimlessly at them, she met his gaze. "I'm sorry," she whispered.
"I know you are."
The idea of Eric being reduced to rubble was such a vivid image for her and it threatened the squeeze all the air from her body. She had known, even when she was leaving, that he would be hurt, but it never occurred to her that he would be so affected. It was not that she had doubted his feelings for her but she had never allowed herself to fully realize the impact of her choices.
"So really there isn't a single girl you've met that makes you want to settle down?" she teased trying to lighten the mood.
He shrugged lightly. "There is one-"
"A ha!"
He smiled. "There is one but she's dealing with some stuff and hides pretty far behind her walls. I'm not sure...I'm not sure I'm who she needs but she kind of makes me wish I was."
Nathalie chewed on her bottom lip. "Don't let a few walls scare you away," she offered. "Some of the best treasures can be found on the other side. If she's worth the effort, don't let her go."
"Was Eric not worth the effort, Nat?" he asked softly, his kind tone softening the blow of the question.
She swallowed thickly "I guess I deserved that." She responded as glanced at her hands. "I honestly thought he would be better without me, that I would hold him back from his dreams - the life he wanted."
"You need to understand something," he began, knowing his friend's heart still belonged to the woman in front of him.
"What?" she asked meekly, afraid of what would come next.
"The life he wanted - the dreams he had - all involved you. When you left, the life he envisioned for himself was no longer feasible because you were no longer there to share it with him."
The emptiness that never left Nathalie's heart seemed to intensify with the knowledge that all her choices had been for naught. In the end, neither one of them had ended up with what they wanted. "So he never went overseas?"
She could see Andrew was struggling with what to say next.
"Nat, he couldn't function. At first, he was scared out of his mind, fearful that something had happened to you, adamant that you wouldn't leave him." Andrew stood from the chair and began to pace as the tension of reliving those first days formed a rock in the pit of his stomach.
"Once Sarah confirmed that you were ok - and that was all she would tell him - he just..." he paused mid stride as he met her eyes and saw the pain that can only come from hurting those you love reflected back at him. "He just...quit."
"Is that," she sniffed, "how you two ended up in New York?"
He nodded. "I was offered a fellowship here and he needed a new start."
"Everyone is entitled to a fresh start." She responded blankly as she stared at the window of her room.
They were silent for several minutes both lost in thoughts about others. Sitting on the edge of her bed, Andrew reached out and took her hand. "Listen, Nat, I need to know about the source of your trauma - the burn, the panic attacks, the nightmares. It may have an impact on your surgery."
She shook her head, her hand trembling inside his. "It...it doesn't. "
"Nat-"
"I can't," she insisted. "Please Ant, don't."
"Have you ever told anyone?" he asked gently.
She looked over his shoulder for a moment before looking back at him. "Everyone in my life already knows."
"Even Sarah?" he challenged kindly.
"She...she knows enough. I can't.....I can't talk about it."
"Okay," he agreed, squeezing her hand before she pulled it away. "I won't push. We'll get the tumor out on Saturday and then you can start re-building your life."
"My....my life is in Tanzania" she replied quietly.
Andrew shook his head. "Your sister is here. The man you are still in love with," he said pointedly, "is here." He got to his feet. "Your life is here." In more ways than you know, he thought.
Chapter 11
Nathalie held the plush bunny on her lap and stroked its soft ears. When she had awoken that morning the light brown stuffed toy had been staring back at her from the night stand. There was no note or any indication of who left it. One wasn't needed. She had immediately recognized the treasure from that long ago summer day. She could still feel the sun on her face as Eric had knocked down the milk cans to win her the now well worn toy. Why had he kept it after all these years? Her heart rushed to an answer her head would not agree with. As she continued to run her fingers through its fur she scolded herself for being ridiculously pleased with a toy. She was a 35 year old woman - a doctor no less - and a stuffed bunny should not be bringing her as much comfort as it was.
Her conversation with Andrew had served as a renewed source of strength. She had finally been able to say the words 'I'm sorry' and while he may not be the person who most needed to hear it, it helped that she said it. He had not let her off the hook for what she had done but he had not nailed her to a cross either. Both the honesty and the compassion he had provided were exactly what she needed. She was not as convinced as he was that her life was here rather than in Tanzania but regardless of where she landed when it was all over she did need to repair that which she had broken.
Pulling her locket from her neck she pried it open and stared at the picture of Jack. There was not a day - or a moment - that went by that she did not miss him. There was a hole in her heart that could only be filled by him yet she knew it never would be. She imagined him as a bright and curious boy. His birthday was a little less than week away. Every year, on his birthday, she would travel from Mbamba to Table Mountain in South Africa. She would hike on one of the trails and find a quiet space where she would sit for several hours and try to envisage the life he was leading. She would pour all of her love and hopes for him into a birthday letter that she would never send. The same letters now carefully tucked into the bottom of her suitcase. She didn't know why she had brought them with her but she was glad she had. It would be strange for her to be in New York - near his father - when his birthday came. Maybe it was time to tell Eric the truth and maybe Jack's birthday would be the right day.
A tear splashed on to the locket and she quickly wiped it away.
"You okay?"
The sound of her sister's voice brought a small smile to her face and she nodded as she looked up. "I'm telling you, I can't wait to be rid of this tumor - it's turning me into a sobbing mess."
Sarah sat on the end of the bed and shook her head. "You were always a softie," she teased, "you just liked to pretend you weren't." Glancing down at the locket, she exhaled slowly. "Reminiscing?"
"Yeah. I miss him Sarah. He's going to be eight next week."
Sarah dropped her gaze. "I know. Do you....do you regret giving him up?"
"No," she admitted. "There were no other options."
"That's not true," she protested. "You....I know you felt like you couldn't care for him them but you got better."
She scoffed. "Not that much better. Look at me Sar," she held up her shaking hands. "I can't even....talk about him nearly undoes me. Never mind everything else."
Sarah took her sister's hands in her own and kissed each one. "You know I love you, right?"
Cocking her head, she looked curiously at her sister. "Yes," she reassured her. Reaching for the glass on the nightstand, she gulped down the water before speaking again. "It...
it occurs to me that I never said I'm sorry. And I am - I want you to know that."
Surprised, Sarah moved closer to her. "Why would need to say you're sorry?"
"For...for everything I put you through. You were by my side when I found out about...when I moved to Geneva. And you rode to my rescue again after the....after. And then I pretty much put Jack in your arms and asked you to take care of everything and you did. Sarah you took care of him and me and then I stopped returning your calls and your letters. That was cruel and selfish of me and I have no real excuse for it other than I thought it would be easier for me if I didn't have anything from..." her voice trailed off.
"From your past?" She offered.
Nathalie nodded. "You are my sister and I love you. And if I have taken advantage of you or hurt you then I am so very sorry because it was never my intention to do that."
Overcome, Sarah wrapped her arms around her sister and hugged her tightly, kissing her cheek. "I love you Natty" she told her. "I always will."
The two women stayed locked in their embrace for several minutes. For so long it had been just the two of them. Their parents were killed in a car accident when Nathalie was 14 and Sarah 17. They were taken in by their aunt but they turned only to each other in hard times. When Sarah had left for university, Nathalie transferred schools and followed her to South Bend, Indiana so she wouldn't have to be separated. It was only once Sarah was accepted at NYU for law and Nathalie at Northwestern for Medicine that they lived apart. But the distance did little to diminish their closeness and anyone wanting to be a part of their lives had to accept their sister too.
They wiped each other's tears as they let go, both laughing at the old habits that had returned so easily.
"Do you...do you know where you're going to go after your surgery?" Sarah asked, nervously.
Nathalie shrugged. "I'm not sure" she admitted honestly. "I...I miss Mylea and the hospital but I miss some things here too. And I...I think I need to make things right with Eric before I go anywhere."
She swallowed nervously. "How do you propose doing that?"
"I have to tell him everything," she said simply. "He deserves to know it all."
"Everything?" she asked in surprise.
Nathalie nodded. "I owe him that. He needs...he needs to know why I left. And...he needs to know why I gave up Jack," she whispered.
"Natty - are you....are you thinking of telling him all the details?"
Pulling on her fingers she nodded again. "Sarah, I'm under no illusions that he can ever forgive me. I know...I spoke to Andrew last night and I understand I guess in a way I hadn't before the depth of hurt I cause him. So I know he won't be able to forgive me but maybe if he knows all of it, maybe he'll understand it a little better and it won't hurt as much."
"For him or for you?" she questioned.
"Both I guess."
"You have never spoken about that night," she reminded her.
Nathalie shook her head. "And honestly I don't know that I can without losing it entirely. Keith....Keith wrote a story about the residual effects on those who survived - he had no idea I had been there - and Sarah, I'm telling you when I read it I thought....I could see it all again and I fell apart."
Her entire being shuddered as she spoke. It had been Mylea who had helped her put one foot in front of the other after the article had appeared in the paper. When she asked Mylea, who had also survived that night, how she was able to keep going the older nurse simply told her that stopping was not an option.
"Nat, why tell him all of it if it is going to cost you so much?"
"Because" she said with a ragged breath. "I owe him that much. I love him Sarah - I love him with all of my heart and I always will. I can't undo what I did but I can...I can give him the truth and that's worth something."
Standing in the hallway, listening to the conversation, Eric bit down on his lip. He wasn't the only who was owed the truth. He had left the rabbit as a kind of peace offering but there was truly only one thing that would bring peace. If they were ever going to reclaim themselves, if they were ever going to be the parents their son needed then the time for secrets was over. Shoving his hands in his pockets, he headed down the hall.
Chapter 12
Reaching in to his closet Eric pried free the large storage box that had travelled with him from Chicago to New York. He had forgotten about until last night. The top had come loose when a football had dropped from the shelf and landed on it. As he had moved to close it again, he had caught sight of the light brown stuffed rabbit sitting on top of a pile of books and he was struck by the memories that flooded back. Having won it for her at a carnival, she had teasingly told him she was going to replace him with the rabbit because their schedules had been so out of synch.
He had come home more than once to find her curled up on the couch, having fallen asleep waiting for him, the bunny in her arms. He told himself that it was only the warmth those memories evoked in him, the knowledge that she had felt safe once, that had pushed him into leaving the toy at her bed side while she was sleeping. But he knew it was more than that. He just couldn't bring himself to label the emotions coursing through him since her return.
Now, having overheard her conversation with Sarah, he was suddenly motivated to pull out the box and face the evidence of their relationship head on. He had avoided this moment since her departure as he wasn't sure if the contents would help dull the pain or amplify it. He didn't recall much in the weeks after Nathalie had left, courtesy of a constant flow of whiskey, but he had startlingly clear memories of Andrew packing up her remaining belongings and placing them in this bin.
With a final twist he was able to pull it from its spot. Setting it down on the floor, he sank down beside it and tugged off the lid to investigate its contents. Reaching inside, he pulled out two thick photo albums and a leather bound book. He set the albums to the side, not sure he was up to emotional toll of reliving their relationship in pictures. He picked up a book to examine it and gasped softly.
Nathalie's journal.
She had written in it religiously and he had often teased her about her "diary" asking her if she wrote "Mrs. Eric Smitherman" in pink ink, surrounded with hearts and flowers. He chuckled softly at the memories of the joking punches he received at his playful teasing. In reality, he envied her ability to be so open about her feelings and emotions.
Eric struggled as he ran his fingers down the spine of her personal confessional; he knew she had not meant to leave it behind, certain it had been an oversight in her haste to leave. As much as he wanted to understand her reasons for leaving - for keeping his son from him, he was strangely concerned with violating her trust by reading the contents.
He sat in silence for several moments as his hands wore patterns on the leather, unsure of what to do next. He liked to think he was magnanimous enough to not read it but the truth was he was afraid of what was in there. He was afraid that the truth on the pages would illustrate what he had done to destroy her trust in him or worse, destroy his belief that she had ever truly loved him.
Eric shook his head to chase away the ghosts of thoughts past. He knew differently than that. He knew when he kissed her. He knew when he held her in his arms and when he fell asleep with her breath rustling against his shirt and he certainly knew when he heard her tell Sarah. She had loved him. She still did.
Whatever caused her to give up Jack had been horrifying and traumatic, there was no doubt. What still pierced his heart was that she left in the first place without ever telling him he was a father. Whatever could have possessed her to think he would not have stood by her side? Was she afraid that he would be such an awful father that their child would be better off without him? Picking up the diary he hoped there might be some clues inside.
Flipping to the back of the book, he looked for the last entries; it was silly really but he felt that if he didn't read the whole thing, if he only looked for the parts that would tell him what he needed to know that it would somehow be
less of an invasion of her privacy.
.
February 7, 2001
I can't get enough sleep. E joked that I was suffering from African Sleeping Sickness because every time he comes home I'm passed out. Karen joked that I must be pregnant - what a nightmare that would be. Kids aren't part of the plan - we have it all mapped out - fellowships, Doctors Without Borders overseas and then staff positions in New York or Chicago.
I'm going to up my vitamins and if that doesn't work, I'll get E to give me a B12 shot.
February 18, 2001
I'm late. Very late. And as much as I'm trying to convince myself that it's the stress I'm pretty sure it isn't. We are always careful - always. This is some kind of sick joke that my body is playing on me. I can't quite bring myself to take a test -not yet anyways. What if it's positive?
What does that mean for me? For E? For us?
February 21, 2001
I'm pregnant. I want to say it's a nightmare come to life but I can't. I can't say that because somehow the minute I discovered I am carrying a baby I fell in love with it. My baby. Our baby.
But how can the universe be so cruel? How can it give me something with one hand and take something away with the other? E is going to lose his mind - this will ruin everything.
.
Closing the book, Eric took several deep breaths. He was incredulous that she would have thought that of him. He had always been loving and honest with her and while a baby was not what either of them had planned for, he was sure that he would have been supportive. It was an unexpected pain to discover that the person you loved with everything did not have faith in you.
He flipped over several entries that had nothing to do with her pregnancy, though he did pause on the one where she described their night out at a Blackhawks game. A smile crept across his face as he was reminded at how free and brazen they could be. It was the next entry that turned the light bulb on over his head.
.
March 25, 2001
Rachel is pregnant. E told me as we were lying in bed - just as I was building up to tell him about the baby - and he was horrified by it all. He said it was a waste because R can't do her fellowship now. He said oops babies can derail a person's life and it would feel like a nightmare if he were in Greg's place.
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