by Frances Pye
“No need. I often wake in the night. It’s nothing.” Lily struggled not to snap. If she wanted to get up in the middle of the night in her own house and read, was she not to be allowed to do so without people worrying about her?
“But things are different now. You’ve got me.”
“That I have.” Sean’s behavior, his possessiveness, was sounding a loud warning bell. He was starting to want more than she was prepared to give. It might be time to cut him loose.
“Come on, come back to bed.” Sean leaned forward and put his hand on her knee. “I can think of something to send you to sleep.” He pulled her close to him and kissed her.
Lily thought about having it out with him then and there and decided against it. Their next date would be soon enough. And she might as well enjoy what was on offer now.
“TWENTY MINUTES late. I could set my watch by you. That is, apart from the times I expect you to be late. Then, of course, you’re early.” Sean got up to give Lily a kiss.
“Keep ’em guessing, that’s what I always say.” Lily sat down. She’d heard Terry say the same thing about her often enough—why did it irritate her when it came from him?
Craxos, the newly opened upmarket Greek restaurant Sean had chosen, hoping it would please Lily, was already buzzing and it was barely eight o’clock. Located in trendy Belsize Village, just down the hill from Hampstead, it had bright, low-voltage lighting, minimal decor, and echoing wood floors.
Lily looked over at Sean. God, he was sexy. She didn’t want to finish with him. Until the other night, everything had been working out fine. He hadn’t shown any of the usual symptoms. No desire to know what she did on the nights she wasn’t seeing him. No attempts to move his CD collection into her house. No yearning for romantic weekends together. But when he’d appeared saying he was worried about her, it felt as if he were beginning to get involved. If he was like the others, he’d want to change the rules. And she’d have to say good-bye.
Unless it was just her paranoia. Maybe she’d had so many bad experiences she saw commitment-philes everywhere. Maybe he was happy with what she had to give, maybe he didn’t want more. Deciding then and there to try to ignore her worries, Lily smiled at him across the table, “I’m ravenous. Lunch in that pub isn’t fit to eat.”
An hour and a half later, Lily was sipping the remains of her red wine, enjoying an after-dinner cigarette. She was looking forward to a night in bed with Sean when she was horrified to hear him ask to move in with her.
“What?”
“I’d ask you to live in my place, but somehow I don’t think you’d want to move to King’s Cross.” Sean reached out to hold Lily’s hand, his expression earnest, his eyes intent. “Lily, I want to be with you. To live with you.” He held his breath, waiting for her answer.
“Sean…” Lily pulled her hand away from his.
“You’re everything I want.”
“And that is?”
“What?”
“You said I’m everything you want. I just need to hear what that is.”
“You want a list?”
“Please.”
“Well.” Sean paused to collect his thoughts. This had seemed so easy when he’d rehearsed it in front of his bathroom mirror. “Sex, of course.” That shouldn’t be a problem. He knew Lily liked sex.
“Okay. Go on.”
“Companionship. Friends. Mutual support. You know, helping each other with, um, with problems and…and that.” Sean was losing confidence by the word. “Er, children, perhaps. And…and love, I suppose.”
Even though she’d feared that something like this might be coming, Lily was still disappointed. Another failure. And so soon. Not even a couple of months. “Sean. Remember when we first met? We talked about no commitment? Just two or three nights a week?” Lily’s voice was soft as she tried to let him down gently.
“Um, yes. Sure I do. But I don’t see—”
“I asked you if that would be enough and you said yes.”
“But things have changed since then.”
“No. They haven’t. Not for me.”
“But it’s good with us.”
“Yes, it was.”
Sean didn’t hear the end in Lily’s “was.” “Well then? Come on, Lily, we could be happy. I know we could. You just need to let go of this idea of yours that all you want is sex. There’s so much more I can give you…”
Lily sighed. He hadn’t heard a word she’d said.
“…and you’re not too old to have another kid. You’ve got years and years. My plumber’s wife was forty-five when she had her latest.”
She’d tried the kind way. And as usual it hadn’t worked. She was going to have to be strong. And blunt. Time for the speech. “Sean, I’ve got two grown children. I don’t want any more. I’m happy being single. I don’t need help with my tax return or my insurance. The outside of my house needs a lick of paint, but I can hire someone to do that. I can change my own light-bulbs, mow my own lawn, take out my own rubbish. I don’t need companionship. I’ve got my girlfriends for that. As for love, in my world, it’s just another word for possession. I’m sorry. I did tell you. I wanted sex. Without strings. No commitment. And you agreed.”
“But that was then. I didn’t know I was going to fall for you.”
Lily knew from long experience that once it had reached this point, there was nothing she could say to make things any easier. Best to get away, leave him alone. She picked up her bag from the floor and stood up. “I’m sorry. It was good with you. And I promise I’m flattered. But you don’t want me. Truly, you don’t.” She leaned over the table and kissed him on the cheek. “Good-bye, Sean. Good luck.”
LILY WOKE up in the middle of the night. Her feet were cold again. It was the height of the summer, the nights were nearly as warm as the days, but that made no difference. Her feet were always cold. The rest of her could be boiling hot, she could be lying on top of her bed naked, desperate to catch any breeze that came through the open window, and still her feet would be icy. Unless she had a man to warm them on. It was virtually the only thing she missed about having one sleep through the night with her. Almost without exception, they seemed to generate heat. Like huge living, breathing, self-refilling hot-water bottles. Sean had been particularly warm. And had never once complained about her putting her feet on him.
Men were so unrealistic. No woman she knew was up for the full monty anymore. Jules, for instance. She’d be happy with Sean’s sperm. Or Terry. She was only looking for a friend for Paul and perhaps a bit of help with the bureaucracy of life. No one wanted that love-marriage/horse-carriage stuff. Why couldn’t men accept that? Why couldn’t Sean accept it? Lily put her feet one by one behind her knees in an attempt to warm them up. Damn him. They were freezing.
fourteen
“I dumped him.”
“You didn’t!” Terry exclaimed.
“Lily. I had plans.” Jules was horrified.
“Shit. What am I going to say to Paul?”
Lily and Mara and Jules and Terry were sitting around Mara’s old kitchen table, the fragrant remains of a vast Indian meal in pots and pans and dishes on the cracked counter behind them. From the living room drifted the sounds of Tilly and Moo playing a game on their new PlayStation.
This time, it was Mara’s turn to provide the location and the food for Sunday lunch. It had come as a welcome distraction from her worries over what to do about the Moores and their threats. She’d been in the kitchen, roasting spices, chopping herbs, and slicing vegetables since dawn.
Mara knew that while she didn’t have an expensively decorated, handsome house like Lily or Jules or a quirkily furnished and blessedly waterproof flat like Terry, she could cook better than any of them. Lily could manage only roast lamb, Jules had been known to have her lunch catered, and Terry’s idea of good food veered wildly, from bacon sandwiches to tofu and salads without dressing, depending on the state of her feelings about her weight. And her willpower. The others looked forward
to going to Mara’s—it was better than a restaurant. Water might come in the roof, but no one cared, the food was wonderful: sag paneer, bhindi bhaji, aloo gobi, channa dal. No one even missed the meat.
“Hey, hey, what’s all this? You guys only met him once.”
“Once was enough. I wanted…I was going to ask…,” Jules stammered. What had seemed so simple a few days ago now felt shockingly bold.
“What?” Lily asked, puzzled. It wasn’t like Jules to be worried about telling them anything.
“It doesn’t matter now.”
“Come on. What were you going to ask?”
“Nothing.”
“Don’t you hate it when people do that? Say it’s nothing when you know it’s got to be something. Just makes me all the more curious,” Lily said, grinning at Jules.
“Yeah. Come on, Jules. Inquiring minds want to know,” Terry said.
“Whatever it is, it can’t be that bad,” Mara’s quiet voice chimed in.
Jules looked around at the three interested faces. “Oh, okay. If you all insist. I thought Sean could, you know, solve my problems….” She ground to a tense, quaking halt, unsure how to continue. Her friends stared at her blankly. “All right. All right. I wanted his sperm.”
“His sperm?” Lily laughed.
Jules relaxed back in her chair. She should have known Lily would react like that. “He was a perfect donor. He has children, he’s proved to be fertile, he’s interested in you so he wouldn’t fall for me, and you aren’t in love with him and so wouldn’t be jealous. Besides, you’re my friend, so you would want to help. Perfect.”
“Until you dumped him,” Terry said, her disappointment obvious.
“Hold on. Why are you so upset? You’re not interested in sex or sperm.”
“Paul talked to him. He liked him. He even mentioned Finn to him.”
“And? I mean, it’s nice and everything….”
“Sean was going to take him to a football game. He’s been looking forward to it. I was hoping—” Terry stopped. It all seemed so stupid when she tried to explain it. Of course Sean wasn’t the answer to all her prayers.
“Hoping what?” Lily coaxed.
“Oh, that you’d stay together long enough for him to maybe have a bit of influence over Paul. You know, talk to him about man stuff. Silly, huh?”
“No. He can still do that. Ask him. He’s a good person. He just wanted too much of me.”
“I can’t. Not now. He’ll think I’m making a move on him. He’s bound to, isn’t he?”
“She’s right, you know,” said Mara, trying not to sound shocked. Even though she’d known Lily, Jules, and Terry since she was sixteen, they could still come up with ideas that surprised her. She was yet to recover from Jules’s revelation about using Sean as a donor.
“Yes. He’s a man. It doesn’t matter how good he is, he’ll see it that way,” said Jules. “Just as he would with me if I were to ask him to donate his sperm now.”
“So that’s it.” Terry gave a hollow, theatrical moan and slumped dramatically, her head in her hands. “Fucked.”
“Me too.”
Lily was silent, lost in thought. Listening to her friends’ complaints, she’d had a revolutionary idea.
It would give them all what they needed. Lily her two or three safe, uncommitted nights a week with a man she enjoyed, Jules the healthy, happy, handsome sperm she desired, Terry a thoughtful, warm father figure for Paul. And maybe even Mara would join in. It was four years since Jake died and time she learned that there were other men in the world. Sean would be a good, unthreatening place to start. She could spend time with him without worrying about him demanding sex—he’d be getting enough of that from Lily—and so get used to male companionship again. And ease herself back into the idea of dating. Maybe he could even help her with her house. It was way past time she got the roof fixed. She wouldn’t think of allowing Lily or Jules to pay for the repairs—they’d offered often enough—but if she got to know Sean, maybe she’d let him do the work for free? He was a builder, after all. Just what she needed.
Together, they could be his perfect woman. What was it he’d wanted? Sex: Okay, Terry and Mara would have none of that, but Lily certainly would, and Jules might also if she fancied getting pregnant the traditional way. Friends: Well, they were definitely friends, and if they did this, Sean would, in a way, become a part of their group. Even though he wouldn’t know what was going on. Mutual support: No one needed a bit of mutual support more than Mara and Terry. Children: Well, he’d be giving Jules one and he’d be inheriting Paul and perhaps Moo and Tilly. Love: True, maybe none of the four would love him, but they were an affectionate, caring bunch. Who needed love? Anyway, four out of five wasn’t bad. Not bad at all. Better than he’d get in one lone woman.
Lily looked around at her friends and grinned. This could work. Sure, it was shocking to begin with, but the more she thought about it, the more it seemed the ideal way out of all of their problems. Four friends. One man. Sean.
“Okay. Okay. I think I’ve come up with the answer,” Lily declared, taking a deep breath. “We share him.”
“What did you say?” Jules couldn’t believe her ears.
“How about we share him? You know, each take the bit we want.”
Silence. Three shocked faces stared at Lily.
“The bit we want?” Terry finally asked, her voice shaky.
“Sure. None of us is in the market for the whole package. We’ve got other things in our lives—other people, kids, jobs, whatever. So why don’t we agree to share? That way, we all get what we need without having to put up with all the things we don’t want.”
“You’re mad, you are,” Terry said.
Mara shook her head, then laughed. This must be one of Lily’s jokes.
“Completely crazy,” Jules agreed. “Besides, he would never agree to it.”
“He’d never know. Think about it. It’s a great idea. We all need a man, right?”
“I don’t,” Mara said.
“But you do. Maybe not need, but wouldn’t it be nice? Someone to take you out? Pay you a bit of attention once in a while? Maybe even help with the roof?”
“I couldn’t—”
“Think of it like this. Sean wants a woman who can be lots of things to him. Who can give him companionship and children and friendship and support and sex.” Lily decided not to mention the love. No need to scare her friends off. “But he also wants me. And I can’t give him all that. But we can. All of us together. He needs us.”
“That’s it. Call the men in the white coats. My best friend is insane.”
“No I’m not. I’m the sanest I’ve ever been. Hell, I’m a genius. Don’t you see? If we do this, everyone gets what they want. Everyone wins. Terry, listen. You said it yourself. If you ask him to help with Paul, he’ll think you’re coming on to him. You too, Jules. But if he’s with all of us, he’ll be too busy to think. Too happy.”
“Lily, this is not for me.” Mara sounded deeply troubled. “Jake wouldn’t have approved.”
“Sweetie, I know how much you loved Jake. I know how much you miss him. But it’s been four years. Be practical. Sean’s a builder, he can help you with the house, be a friend for the kids, a friend for you. You don’t have to love him. You don’t have to go to bed with him. Give it a try. I know you’re lonely.”
“I’m not.”
“Mara…”
“I’m not. I’ve got my girls, my memories. Anyway, this is wrong. It’s…it’s just wrong.”
“Why is it wrong? Okay, people haven’t done it before, but that’s no reason to dismiss it out of hand. You can’t hold back progress. And who’s to say this isn’t the way of the future? Helping each other, giving everyone what they want, forgetting jealousy. We’ll be pioneers, setting a new standard in human relationships.”
“Pioneers, Lily? As a child I always did dream of being an intrepid explorer.” Jules loved the idea. It would give her what she wanted and, ultimatel
y, she couldn’t see the difference between this and what she had already intended. Apart from the labeling. Lily was suggesting a more formal arrangement than she had planned, but the end result would be the same.
“Setting off into the unknown, risking all on a new venture. I suppose it does sound exciting.” Terry’s doubts were unspoken but definitely there. She couldn’t help but be concerned about Sean—how was he going to feel about being shared, like some birthday cake?—but she was also reluctant to turn down her friend. She had to do something about Paul. And where else was she going to find a role model for him without her having to get involved?
“I couldn’t, I’m sorry, I just couldn’t.” Mara was on the verge of tears. The mere idea of spending time with any man other than her beloved Jake made her deeply miserable. “You…you don’t know me at all if you think I’d join in.” Mara’s head slumped down, her shoulders shaking with sobs.
Terry reached out to put her arm around Mara. Lily got up and went to kneel next to her.
“Babe, I’m sorry. I’m stupid. It was just an idea. Take no notice.”
“But how could you believe I’d do that?”
“I got carried away. Typical me. Convinced I’d had a genius notion and getting so enthusiastic I didn’t think it through. Of course I don’t think you’d be interested,” Lily said, doing her best to comfort her upset friend.
“None of us do.” Jules leaned over the table to squeeze Mara’s hand.
“Come on, love. No harm done. It’s just Lils, off on one of her mad jaunts. Take no notice of her.” Terry looked over at Lily and very deliberately winked.
“Quite right. Ignore her.” Jules smiled and gave Lily a quick thumbs-up sign.
Mara looked up. “You…you aren’t going to do it?”
“Let’s forget all that, talk about something else,” Jules said, hoping to change the subject. “You will never believe who called me on Friday afternoon, wanting me to arrange a dinner party for fifty for the same night….”
fifteen
Lily grabbed the handle of the corkscrew and yanked backward. The cork flew out. She poured two glasses of ice-cold Chardonnay, handed one to Jules, who was perched on the side of the desk, and took the other herself.