by Emme Rollins
Rick and Danny were in Johnnie’s room, Danny standing in the kitchen drinking a glass of water and Rick on the couch fumbling with a guitar. Johnnie heard the sour note as Rick tried to strum a chord.
“Lift your pointer finger,” Johnnie said.
“What?” Rick asked.
“Look... your pointer finger. Pick it up. Why even use it? You’re laying it flat and it’s hitting the D string, buzzing. Just pick it up.”
Rick listened and strummed the chord again. It came across clear.
“Nice,” Rick whispered.
“Not a proper G chord,” Danny yelled.
“Coming from the kid who refused guitar lessons,” Johnnie said.
“No comment,” Danny said. He finished his water and walked through the living room.
“What are you doing?” Johnnie asked.
“I came here looking for you,” Danny said. “Wasn’t sure if you disappeared forever with your girlfriend or not...”
“Yeah. I had to get out of here for a day,” Johnnie said. “This woman...”
“She’s everything,” Rick teased as he strummed the only chord he could clearly play on the guitar.
“Johnnie falls hard,” Danny said. “I bet he has cuts on his hands and knees from it.”
“It’s not like that,” Johnnie said.
“So, hey,” Rick said, “how was your photo shoot?”
Johnnie looked at both Rick and Danny. Danny didn’t seem to care but Rick had a little resentment in his eyes.
“Not really a photo shoot,” Johnnie said. “Just went to the hospital. Took a few pictures, met some fans. We need to go to the hospital as a band and play or do something.”
“Could have went today,” Rick said.
“Peter set it up...”
“He always does.”
“What’s your plan?” Danny asked.
The question caught Johnnie guard. He looked at his younger brother and knew he couldn’t lie or hide anything from him. His eyes were Johnnie’s eyes, the same bloodline flowing between them. “What do you mean?”
“For today? For the show? Are you staying in the city or going back to your secret hide away?”
Johnnie exhaled. “I’m here. I’m staying. Playing the show and then we should all do something together before splitting up.”
“Splitting up?” Rick asked.
“We have a month off,” Johnnie said. “What do you plan on doing?”
“Should we write some new music? I actually have an idea for a song... I’m still getting the chords down pat here...”
“You can’t write a song,” Danny said. “You can’t even write a check.”
“No,” Johnnie said. “That’s really cool, Rick. If you have an idea...”
Johnnie almost slipped, to tell Rick to bring the idea to him. But Johnnie held back. No. That’s not how it was. Johnnie wasn’t the one who approved songs. No. It was just that nobody else ever came to the band with a song.
“We can do whatever anyone wants,” Johnnie said. “I plan on going to my cabin again, longer than a day.”
“With your woman?” Rick asked.
“She’s not my woman. She’s a woman... that I care about. Yes. She’ll come. You guys can too. Hell, maybe we should write our next album up there.”
Johnnie felt wrong saying it, knowing that’s where he wrote the song that could take him away from the band. The song that Jess made perfect. And the song that wouldn’t stop playing in his mind.
“Doubt that,” Rick said. “I don’t want to get involved in your relationship.”
“No women,” Danny said. “We can’t write like that.”
“It doesn’t matter right now. We just have to get ready for the charity show.”
“We?” Rick asked. “Aren’t you going to make the set list?”
“Why don’t we wing it?” Johnnie asked. “We all pick a couple songs, let the people pick some songs.”
“Hey, taking requests that’s a good idea,” Danny said.
“Could work,” Rick said.
“Okay, I’m out,” Danny said. “I’m going to find food.”
Danny started to walk away and Johnnie grabbed him. He touched his brother’s face and smiled, remembering the first time Danny sat on the floor and watched Johnnie play guitar. It was not very good but it was Johnnie’s first audience... and the first time he wowed someone.
“Take it easy tonight,” Johnnie said.
“I plan on it,” Danny said. “I don’t think there’s any booze left in our rooms.”
Johnnie let his little brother go and when he looked at Rick, changing to a different chord on the guitar, he seemed a little drunk still.
“Are you okay?” Johnnie asked.
Rick didn’t look at Johnnie. “I guess I could ask you that.”
Johnnie took of his jacket and threw it to the couch. “I don’t know what I am right now. This woman... I’ve never had something like this happen to me.”
“Only a matter of time, right?”
“A matter of time for what?”
“Before one of the groupies sticks. You get enough of them.”
“She’s not a groupie,” Johnnie said. “I met her at a café.”
“Maybe that’s where I should start hanging out.”
Johnnie watched Rick’s fingers shaking as he couldn’t figure out the fingering for what looked like a D chord. Johnnie sensed tension within Rick so he didn’t try to correct him.
“Fuck it,” Rick said and tossed the guitar to the floor.
Johnnie winced but still kept his mouth shut.
Rick looked at Johnnie. “I wanted to go today.”
“I’m sorry, man, okay? I’ll talk to Peter. I swear I thought we were all going. If I knew beforehand...”
“What? You’d demand your way? Because you can do that. You’re the lead singer. You can do whatever you want.”
“No, I can’t. Rick, what’s going on with you?”
Rick shook his head. “I’m sorry. I’m just... tired.”
“Quit partying then.” Johnnie reached for Rick’s knee and lightly punched it. “We’re not twenty anymore. Nobody expects us to get in trouble or get kicked out of the hotel.”
Rick smiled. “But those were the best nights.”
“Yeah. Calling Peter at three in the morning to pick us up and find a place to stay.”
“He’d fend off hotel managers and cops...”
“Remember when the label threatened us?”
“They wouldn’t have dropped us,” Rick said. “No matter what. We made too much for them.”
“We still do,” Johnnie said. His heart hurt a little as he said it. “And we will for a long time. That’s why I need everyone to be healthy and happy. That’s why we get to take these breaks. Not to sit around and ponder life, but to get out and live it.”
“I only feel good when I’m on stage,” Rick said.
“So get on stage,” Johnnie said. “Learn that damn guitar and we can get on stage.”
“You and me? And, what, play a bar?”
“Who cares? We’re fucking Chasing Cross... we can do whatever we want.”
Rick laughed and Johnnie felt the tension float from the room. He stood up and retreated to the kitchen to sigh. Everything just felt so mixed up and wrong. He almost wished they didn’t have the charity show. He could still be in the cabin with Jess. Things made sense there. Things felt good there.
“So, you really like this woman?” Rick asked.
“Yes,” Johnnie said. “In fact... there’s something in my jacket I wanted to show you guys. You can look if you want, just promise you won’t brag I showed you before anyone. Especially Danny. He gets jealous.”
Rick leaned from the couch and reached for Johnnie’s jacket. Johnnie smiled, wondering what Rick’s reaction would be like. It was something he picked up a long time ago, on the road. Something that came with a great story and something he had hidden for years. Johnnie may have been the front man
of a band, a group of guys he thought of as brothers, but he had his own dreams and desires.
When Rick pulled out folded up papers and held them up, Johnnie saw three different versions of his hotel room. He tried to move but bumped into the counter, sending a surge of pain through his body.
“Shit,” he said. “Rick, wait a second on that... that’s not...”
Rick opened the papers, read them for a couple seconds, then threw them to the table.
“Is this a joke?”
“No, that’s not what...”
“A contract for yourself?” Rick asked. “You wanted to show me? But nobody else?”
“No, that’s not what you think.”
“Looks like a contract for you to go solo. No, excuse me, there’s a note from you... demanding Jess be added to the contract.” Rick looked back at Johnnie. “You and your new girlfriend, huh?”
Johnnie didn’t understand how the hell the contract got into the pocket of his jacket. He gave it to Jess to hold. He wanted her to think about it. To really think about it. To understand what it could mean for herself... and Johnnie...
Johnnie froze, realizing what it meant.
Jess must have snuck the contract into his pocket. Her way of giving him the final answer.
“Are you going to talk to me?” Rick said. “Or is this it? Play the charity show and then break up the band?”
“The band isn’t going anywhere!” Johnnie boomed. “We’re in this together.”
“That’s why your name is on that contract, right? That’s why you went to the photo shoot today, right? That’s why you did the fucking phone interview, right?”
Johnnie clenched his jaw. He felt angry, sad, and annoyed. “You don’t understand... Rick...”
“I don’t understand? Make me understand. Looks like you’re cutting on the band.”
“I would never do that. Okay? I wrote a new song... and Peter heard it and suggested I release it on my own. I told him from day one it was missing something.”
“That’s where your girlfriend fits in?”
“She has an amazing voice,” Johnnie said. “I tried to tell her to record it with me. But not release it...”
“Don’t bullshit me, Johnnie,” Rick said. “You’re all grown up, aren’t you? Too big for the band now. Don’t like to party anymore. Everything is business and money. The same shit you didn’t care about ten years ago. All we wanted to do was play music.”
“And I still do,” Johnnie said. “What do you think I’m doing? I’m in that damn cabin, writing music. The rest of you...”
“What? Because we have a few good nights?”
“How many good nights in a row have you had, Rick?”
Rick laughed.
“Are you still having a good night right now?” Johnnie asked. “Your eyes are a little...”
“Don’t worry about me,” Rick said. “Okay? Just don’t. You want to sing on your own? You want to be some coffee shop guy, with your guitar and your girl, go for it. Doing it this way...” Rick pointed to the contract. “This is shit. And you know it.”
Johnnie had no response. It was shit. He should have never taken the contract from Peter. He should have never forced the contract onto Jess. He should have talked to the band... but he didn’t want anyone to worry. He didn’t want to put a wedge in the group. Not with Danny being his actual brother.
“And you know what?” Rick asked. “Peter... is an ass.”
“He’s the best manager out there.”
“Why? Because he waves money in front of your face?”
“No...”
Rick shook his head. “I gotta go, okay? I just gotta get out of here.”
“Rick, I’m not signing a damn thing.”
“Why? Because your girlfriend wouldn’t?”
Johnnie tensed and curled his lip.
“That’s what I thought,” Rick said. “I bet if she agreed to it, you wouldn’t have come back today. You would have faded away from us.”
“You don’t know a damn thing about me then,” Johnnie said.
“Maybe I don’t. But what does it matter? I’m just the drummer, right?”
Rick walked to the door and Johnnie wanted to just let him go. However, he fought his own ego and called for Rick.
“Don’t do this,” Johnnie said. “Let me explain...”
Rick didn’t look back. “You can explain it to the entire band. I’m not playing this game.”
“Where are you going, Rick?”
“To have a fucking drink, is that okay?”
Rick left the room and Johnnie’s heart sank. He stumbled his way to the couch and sat down. He never felt so alone and empty in his life. For ten years he had his band, his brothers, his music, his life. And now this. Because of a mistake...
Johnnie wanted to be mad at Jess but it wasn’t her fault.
He reached for the contract and the papers shook in his hand.
What the hell had he been thinking?
Johnnie tore the contract. It didn’t make him feel better, but he ripped it some more, turning the shreds into smaller pieces. Over the course of the next minute, Johnnie turned the contracts into nothing, throwing the pieces to the floor, to the table and anywhere else they could land. He grabbed his jacket and shoved his hand into the inside pocket and found what he was looking for.
He took it out and held the small diamond ring in the center of his hand. He stared at it and felt his emotions attack him.
A day ago he had it all.
And now Johnnie felt like hell.
Was it possible to have his band and his love for Jess?
(21)
Jess called Marie to let her know she was safe, sound, and back home. Marie wanted the dirty details and Jess wouldn’t give them. She let Marie ask and answer her own questions, basically coming up with the general idea of what happened in the cabin.
After hanging up with Marie, the first thing Jess did was hum Johnnie’s song. She refused to think of it as their song though. Recording a song with Johnnie? That was wrong. He had a band for that. The band should be involved.
Jess wasn’t a part of Chasing Cross. She was a fan, nothing more. She wanted to be a part of Johnnie, his heart and his life, but that didn’t meant stepping into the middle of a band. If there were problems there, it wasn’t her job to fix them or even see them.
The day moved on slowly, which usually would be appreciated by Jess. She had a lot of work to do on her next book. She wanted to get at least a quarter through a first draft plus have a full outline for the rest of the book. Her agent emailed her the plane ticket to New York and after printing it, Jess held it in her hands. It should have made her smile ear to ear. But it didn’t. All she could think about was the miles it would be... the miles upon miles that would take her away from Johnnie.
How long could it last?
It was an honest question that Jess had to ask herself. If Jess was in New York and Johnnie was on tour, it would become too much. Johnnie would be on stage, every night. Singing. Playing. Connecting with thousands of people. And then what? What if another woman just so happened to be in a café at the right time? What happened if he saw someone in the crowd that caught his eye? He was a rockstar. Jess knew that women would do anything to get close to him. To talk to him. To touch him. To have him.
She began to picture scenarios she wished she could chase away. She saw women in the backstage dressing room. But they weren’t like Jess. They weren’t shy or confused. They were confident, aggressive, putting Johnnie in a position where he couldn’t resist them... or himself.
By the time Jess put the plane ticket down, she had tears in her eyes again. Staring at the blurry laptop screen, she wouldn’t be able to write. She considered skipping to an emotional part of the book, maybe to capture the pureness of it, but face it, she really had nothing to run with. The book was more of an idea than something to actually work on.
It seemed like a couple days ago, life was simple and easy. Jess needed t
o write. Her agent needed to sell. And readers needed to read. A small cycle, one that was mostly satisfying, but something Jess could handle.
Now... it was a mess.
Everything was a giant mess.
All because of a cup of coffee.
No.
Because of Johnnie.
The song continued to plague Jess’s mind and she fought the urge to sing. That would just be something else Johnnie had taken from her then. She never thought of herself as a good singer. She never sang around anyone, so she had no other opinions. And she didn’t even mean to sing in front of Johnnie... he cheated her for that. He recorded her without her knowing...
The anger started to build and Jess found some small inspiration. Maybe she’d start her next book with a good murder. That’s a hell of a way to release some fury.
Her fingers touched the keys just as her cell phone rang.
Johnnie.
Jess closed her eyes. She could do this. She could ignore it.
When her hand reached for the phone, she shook her head. When her finger touched the screen, she bit her lip.
And when she put the phone to her ear, she said, “Hello?”
And just like that, Jess was sucked back in.
“Jess?” Johnnie sounded upset. “Jess... I need to see you...”
“Johnnie, I’m working right now.”
“You put the contract in my pocket.”
“Yeah. I did. I’m sorry. I should have talked to you...”
“Rick found it. Our drummer. Rick. He found it, Jess.”
The color left Jess’s face. Her mouth opened but she couldn’t find words or air.
“It’s not your fault,” Johnnie said. “Don’t even think it. But I need to see you.”
“Johnnie... I’m so sorry.”
“No. Don’t do that.”
“I didn’t know how to say anything,” Jess said. “I tried in the cabin, but you were so sure. I wanted to talk to you later. Or have you find it. I messed up.”