Mrs. Morgan shakes her head. “Thank you, Amy. You can go back to your seat now.”
“I think I’m going to throw up.” Billy mumbles and moans again, really loudly.
I look around the room. Everyone is staring at me, their eyes wide with shock. Slowly the rage leaves, and I realize what I’ve done. I’ve had a total meltdown. Once in a while, I get really angry at home where I feel safe enough to let go. But never in school. In school, I can usually hold it in.
Mrs. Morgan claps her hands and waits for everyone to quiet down. She nods toward Christopher, who is sitting behind Billy. “Go with Billy to the nurse’s office,” she says. “Make sure he’s okay.”
Next she points at me, crooks her finger.
While I’m walking up the aisle, she gives the class an assignment. All I can think about is what’s going to happen next.
Everybody’s eyes, including Jamie’s, are glued on me as I walk to the front of the room. I keep my head up, face forward, and pretend not to notice. But I have my arms folded across my chest, my hands hidden so I can tap, tap, tap with my fingers without anybody seeing.
When I reach Mrs. Morgan’s desk, she walks me out to the hall, and closes the classroom door. “Isabella.” She sighs, shakes her head. “What were you thinking?”
I lower my head. What do I tell her? I don’t know what got into me. I just know that at first it felt good, and then it didn’t.
“I’m so sorry, Mrs. Morgan.” My voice shakes and tears fill my eyes.
“I know you get teased a lot, Izzy. You usually handle it. What was different this time?”
I grunt, shrug my shoulders.
Mrs. Morgan bends down and looks into my eyes. “I’m sorry, but I have to send you to the principal’s office. I know Billy provoked you, but there’s no excuse for hurting another student.”
I hang my head down so low my chin is almost touching my chest. “I know.” Grunt. Touch the floor.
“I’ll have Abbie walk you there. Wait here.”
I wipe the tears away with the palms of my hands. Abbie! She’s mad at me, too, after those texts I sent her. What am I going to say to her?
A minute later, she comes out. Shaking her head, she says, “I don’t understand what’s going on with you. You’ve been acting crazy lately. I can’t believe you hit Billy. I mean, he’s a jerk and all, but—”
“I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Everything’s bothering me. I get so angry, and I can’t stop myself.”
Tears fill my eyes. I stick my hands in my jeans pocket, but instead of a tissue I find a little white pill. And it hits me. I haven’t taken my meds for at least two weeks. Maybe longer. Could that be what’s wrong?
I glance up at Abbie. I could lose my best friend because of those stupid pills. I’m not going to let that happen. “I’m sorry I was so mean to you and Hannah. You should be able to have other friends if you want.” It hurts saying it, but I know it’s true.
“Just because I like Hannah doesn’t mean I don’t like you.”
“Yeah. I know.” I wipe my eyes on my sleeve. “I think I know why I’m getting so angry, but I don’t have time to explain it. Can we talk tonight?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“About Hannah. Tell her I’m sorry for being such a jerk.” I tap, tap, tap Abbie’s shoulder.
“You can tell her when you see her. I’m sure she’ll understand.” She leans in and gives me a hug, which helps make things a little less awful. At least we’re friends again.
“I guess we better get going.” I touch the ground, stand and grunt. “My parents are going to kill me when they find out!”
As we walk down the hallway, I stop and tap, tap, tap softly on every door we pass. Abbie tries to get me to move on, but it’s no use. I can’t help myself.
Chapter 22
“Suspended for a week!” Mom frowns, shakes her head. “I am so disappointed in you, Izzy. I don’t know what to say.”
We’re sitting in her car in the school parking lot. The bell will ring soon, and kids will start coming out. I don’t want them to see me. But I can’t stand when she’s mad at me, and I can’t stop the words from tumbling out.
“I love you, Mom.”
Mom closes her eyes, takes a breath. She knows what I need to hear. But first she needs a few seconds to calm herself.
“I love you, Mom!” I say again.
Finally she says the words. “I love you, too.”
“Can we leave now?” I grunt and tap, tap, tap Mom’s shoulder.
She starts the car, but before she pulls out, she turns to me. “Please tell me what got into you. I still can’t believe you hurt that boy.”
“He was a jerk, Mom. He took my pen and wouldn’t give it back.”
Mom rubs her temple and sighs.
“And he made fun of me. He imitated my grunt. It sounded so stupid. I sound stupid.”
Mom’s face softens. “I know how all this must hurt, Izzy. But Billy has done this to you before. You never lashed out like that.”
I reach down and touch the carpet on the floorboard. When I sit back up, I stare out the side window.
“Well?” Mom asks. “What made this time so different?”
“I love you, Mom.”
“Izzy—”
“Can you just please say it?”
She sighs. “I love you, too.”
I grunt and touch the floor again. Finally, I get up the courage to tell her. “I forgot to take my medicine.” I stare out the window. I don’t want to see Mom’s face when she hears this.
I wait for her to explode, but she doesn’t say anything at first. After a minute, she says, “Look at me, Izzy.”
I turn my head toward her.
“Is today the first day you missed?”
I bite my lip. “I love you, Mom.”
Mom narrows her eyes. “How long has it been since you last took them?”
I start rocking in the seat. “I love you, Mom!”
Mom stops. Takes a breath. “I love you, too. Now how long?”
I shrug. “A few days maybe.”
“How many days is ‘a few’?”
I turn my face to the window again.
“Izzy!”
“Okay, so maybe I’ve skipped it for a week.” It’s more like two, but I can’t bring myself to admit to that. She’ll be mad enough about the one week.
“You what? Izzy, how many times have we told you—”
“I know. I know!” I grunt again. I still won’t look at her. “I hate taking that stuff.”
Mom puts her hand on my shoulder. “Izzy.”
She waits.
Finally, I turn to face her.
She takes in a deep breath. Lets it out. “You can’t just stop taking these drugs cold turkey.” When she sees the confusion in my eyes, she explains, “You have to get off them gradually, Izzy. If you stop all at once you can get sick. Or worse. You could totally lose it, like you did today. You’re lucky Billy didn’t fall and break an arm or something. Do you understand what I’m saying?”
I nod. If I speak, I know I’ll start to cry.
“I’m going to make an appointment with your doctor. See what she says.” Mom looks at me with narrowed eyes. “Since you’ll be home all week, we won’t have to worry about pulling you out of school.”
“I’m sorry.” I whisper. “I love you, Mom.”
Mom hands me a tissue to wipe the tears that have spilled down my cheeks. “I love you, too.” She puts the car in gear, and we head out of the parking lot, neither of us talking.
When Dad gets home from work, Mom tells him about my suspension. Dad doesn’t believe her at first. “You’re kidding, right?”
“It’s true.” I croak, like the words are stuck in my throat and don’t want to come out.
Dad pulls his hand through his hair, leaving it sticking up in places. “I don’t understand. You would never hit or hurt anyone.”
Mom doesn’t say anything. Neither do I.
“Somebody talk to me!”
I grunt. Tap, tap, tap Dad’s shoulder. He looks at me. “What happened, Izzy?”
I tell him about the pen and the teasing.
“That’s it? That’s what provoked you?”
I stay silent.
“Tell him the rest,” Mom says.
Looking down, I mumble, “I didn’t take my pills for the past week.”
“What do you mean you didn’t take them? What did you do with them?”
“I threw them away.” Grunt. Touch the floor.
“You what?”
I bite my lip, keep my head down.
“Izzy, I asked you a question.”
I lift my head. Dad is sitting at the table, his eyes narrowed and angry. “We don’t give the meds to you lightly. We do our research and check with several doctors before we give you anything. We’re trying to help you, and you just throw them away!”
“I hate them!” My stomach churns, and I feel like I might throw up.
“That’s no excuse. You’re responsible for your actions.” When I don’t say anything, Dad sits there, staring at me. Finally, in a calmer voice, he says, “You’ve left us little choice. You’re grounded for two weeks. No overnights with Abbie. No Jump ‘N Fun, beach, swimming—whatever.”
I look at Mom for help. “Two whole weeks? The school only suspended me for one week.”
“I agree with your father,” Mom says.
“That’s not fair!” I ball my hands into fists. My anger is like a giant balloon, filling up with so much water another drop will make it burst. I feel the pressure building, building.
I want to kick the chair. Punch a wall. Instead, I scream at them. “You don’t understand anything. You don’t know what it’s like to be me.”
“Stop it, Izzy,” Mom says.
But the balloon has burst. There’s no putting it back together. “I hate you! I hate you both!” I see the pain in their faces, but right now I don’t care. “You’re the worst parents in the world.”
Dad gets up and points toward the stairs. “Go to your room right now, young lady.”
I stand there, fists still clenched, head up, not moving one inch.
“Now!” Dad slaps his hand on the table.
I grunt out a scream and sweep my books off the table with my hand.
“Izzy!” Mom cries out.
“I hate you!” I yell again. Sobbing, I run up the stairs, slam my door shut, and press my face into my pillow, screaming into it until I’m totally worn out.
Chapter 23
I must have fallen asleep, because the buzzing of my cell phone startles me awake. I glance at the screen. It’s Abbie.
“How’d it go with your parents?” she asks.
“Not good.” My head is pounding, and my throat is dry. “Hold on a second.” I put down the phone and go to the bathroom. Splash some cold water on my face and drink some water.
The rage is gone. Now I’m just tired.
I go back to my room and pick up my phone. “I’m grounded for two whole weeks.” I grunt. I so wish this tic would pass. It makes my throat feel sore all the time.
“Two weeks! Bummer.”
I plop on the bed, put my arm over my eyes to keep the tears from spilling out.
“Izzy? Are you still there?”
“Yes,” I croak. “Give me a sec.”
I grab a tissue, blow my nose, and take a deep breath. I let it out slowly and after a grunt or two, I’m ready to talk. “Remember today when you asked why I was so angry all the time?”
“Yeah. You said you’d tell me about it later.”
“Well, I’m pretty sure it’s because I stopped taking my meds a week ago. Actually, it’s more like two weeks, but my parents don’t know that.”
“Wow. Why? I mean, I know you don’t like taking them, but that’s pretty radical.”
“I hated the way they made me feel. Plus, I was always hungry, and my clothes were getting tight, and I was tired all the time. And I wanted to have more energy for softball. So I decided to stop taking them.”
“I wish you would have told me.”
I shrug, even though I know she can’t see me. “I didn’t think it was that big a deal. I sure as heck didn’t think I would lose it and get in trouble if I stopped.” I sigh. “Anyway, my parents freaked out. They said it was dangerous to just quit like that. And, of course, they’re mad about the Billy thing.”
“Yeah, that was something to see.” Abbie lowers her voice. “You didn’t hear it, but when you and Mrs. Morgan were in the hall, everybody said Billy deserved it. Nobody likes him.”
“Still, I shouldn’t have punched him.” I don’t add that I am glad I did.
“Ummm ...” Abbie hesitates. “I hope you don’t mind. Coach asked me why you weren’t at practice today, and I told her about what happened with Billy.”
I swallow hard. With all that happened today, I’d forgotten about softball. “That’s okay. She would have found out anyway. I hope she won’t kick me off the team.”
“Maybe if you explain about the meds and all, she’ll understand.”
“Maybe. I hope so anyway.”
“Well, at least you can go to the dance. Your grounding will be over by then, right?”
“I guess.” I’m too tired to think about anything more right now. “I have to go. Mom is calling me down to dinner.” Another lie.
I click off the connection before she can say anything. I thought I’d cried myself dry, but I was wrong. There seems to be plenty left.
An hour later, I head down the stairs. The scent of Mom’s homemade spaghetti sauce fills the house. The table is set, and Mom is putting out the food when I get to the kitchen.
“I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean any of that stuff I said.” I try not to cry, but I can’t stop the tears. “I love you, Mom.”
Mom looks up at me. She tilts her head, sighs. “I love you, too.” I run over to her and bury my face in her neck. “I know, sweetheart. It’ll be okay.”
Dad comes into the room. I turn to him. His face still has that pinched look on it. I don’t know if it’s because he’s upset about the pills or angry with me for throwing a fit.
“I’m sorry, Dad.” The words don’t come out easily. They’re stuffed down deep because of the tears. And the shame.
He sits in his chair. Blows out a breath. “Mom and I have been discussing this situation. We want to help make your life easier, Izzy, not harder. So Mom’s made an appointment with your doctor. Maybe we can adjust the dosage or change the medication. Let’s see what she has to say.”
I tap, tap, tap Dad’s shoulder. Lean over and hug him. “Thanks, Dad. I love you.”
He smiles. “I love you, too. And you’ll do whatever the doctor suggests?”
“I promise,” I say.
“Then let’s put this all behind us.”
“About softball—”
“It’s a school activity. It’s fine.”
“Will you talk to Coach Grant about what happened?”
He nods. “Sure. I wanted to meet her anyway. Well, not under these circumstances, but sure. I’ll talk to her.”
Relieved, I take a shaky breath, wipe my eyes with my sleeve. “Thanks.”
Dad nods.
One good thing has come out of this. I’ll have that dress I bought for the dance paid for in chores in no time. I don’t have anything else to do in the next two weeks.
Chapter 24
Mom knocks on my door. “It’s 7 a.m. Time to get up!”
I pull the covers over my head. It’s my first full day of suspension, and I figured I would sleep late. Mom has other ideas.
“No sleeping in for you, young lady. We’re keeping your school schedule. Up at seven, bed at 10.”
Groaning, I stand and stretch. “Can I at least wear shorts and not school clothes?”
“Don’t get fresh with me.”
I’m not being fresh. I’m serious. But I let it drop and slip into my shorts and a tank top. Aft
er I make my bed and clean up the breakfast dishes, Mom gives me a choice—help her with the laundry or read a book. I love books, but it’s 7:30 in the morning. I can’t read all day. I try to get her to play basketball, but she says she has too much to do. So I help with the laundry.
I find out the hard way that you shouldn’t put a red shirt in with white sheets. Now Mom has pink sheets for her bed. I’m not sure Dad’s going to be happy with that color.
I have a feeling this is going to be a loooooooong week.
Abbie calls late that afternoon. It’s so good to hear her voice. I can’t wait to find out about school and practice. Anything that’s not about chores!
“How’s it going at home?” Abbie asks.
“I’m so bored! This staying home stuff sucks. How was practice?”
“The same as usual. I did see your dad, though. When I passed by Coach’s office, he was in there with her.”
I start pacing, “Could you hear what they were saying?”
“No. They were talking quietly. I couldn’t get close enough.”
“How did they look? Were they smiling? I hope my dad wasn’t too intense. He can get that way sometimes, especially where I’m involved.”
“It didn’t look like anyone was upset. I didn’t stay long. I didn’t want them to see me and think I was snooping or anything.”
I stop pacing, tap the phone on the bed three times, bend over to touch the floor, then sit at my desk. Abbie is used to the long pauses. “Thanks for trying.”
“Sure. Sorry I couldn’t be more helpful. I have to go. My mom’s yelling for me to come down to help with dinner. I’ll call you tomorrow when I get home.”
“Okay. Thanks.”
The rumble of the garage door opening vibrates my bedroom walls. Dad must have left work early to talk to Coach then come straight home. I grab my glove and run down the stairs.
“Abbie called and told me she saw you in Coach’s office,” I say as soon as he walks in the door. “What did she say?”
He sets his briefcase on the floor by the door. “Hello to you, too.”
“Sorry, Dad. I’m just so nervous.”
Dad sits on the couch, pats the pillow next to him. I touch the floor, punch, punch, punch my glove, and plop down beside him.
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