by Frank Norris
Harry — Betcha dollar.
Dick — A dollar it is.
(Interval of breathless suspense.)
Tom — Now she’s right there. She’s going by — no, she ain’t. Wait a minute, now.
Dick — She’s slowing up.
Harry — She’s got her eye on that green bonnet.
Tom — And it’s marked down.
Harry — She can’t possibly go by that.
Tom — She is, just the same.
Dick — No, she ain’t.
Harry — There — there — there — she’s stopped — she’s going up to the window. I say, you owe me a dollar, old man.
Dick (gloomily): — There you are. Wimin folk air powerful onsartin.
Tom — Look here. I’ll tell what we’ll do. I’ll pick out a girl as I see her coming down the street — understand? — and you fellows will bet on whether she stops and looks in at that window or not. Dick, he’ll be the bear — that is to say, he’ll bet she don’t stop, and Harry will be the bull — he’ll bet she does. I choose to be the croupier.
Dick — And how about if she goes in?
‘Tom — Then that pays double — just like a natural in vingt et un. All clear?
Dick and Harry — Sure — dear’s glass. Go on now, pick out a girl. Won’t this one do that’s coming — the one with the net bag?
Tom — Not at all. There’s an art in this thing that you fellows don’t appreciate. That girl’s from the Through a Glass Darkly country. Look at her feet. She won’t even look in. She’s spent too much money in town already, as you can see from the size of her net bag. She won’t even allow herself to look in. I won’t choose her, because the chances are too much against Harry.
Dick — How about that one just behind. She’s a city girl, no mistake — the one in a tailor-made gown and the black sailor?
Tom — Yes, we gamble on this one. “Here she goes and there she goes, and whether she stops or not nobody knows.”
Dick — A dollar, hey?
Harry — A dollar each time.
(They put up their money, and the girl passes by without stopping.)
Tom — Dick wins. (Dick takes the money.) Hurry up, you fellows — here comes another. This is a shop girl, or perhaps she runs a soda-water fountain in a candy-store. And still the little ball goes ‘round.
Dick — Not enough salary to think of bonnets. She’ll never stop in a thousand years. There’s my dollar.
Harry — It’s the very reason why she will. She dreams of those bonnets every night. I’ll see your dollar and I’ll raise you a half.
Dick — And fifty cents harder.
Harry — And fifty cents harder than that.
(The girl goes straight into the store, indifferently, without even glancing at the window.)
Tom — Harry wins double.
Dick (with an aggrieved shout) — She was the saleslady for that store. I appeal from the decision of the referee — dirty work! Yah — fake! fake! (groans).
Harry — All bets go with referee’s decision. I’ll trouble you for that money, old chap.
‘Tom — Hello, here comes Jack. Shall we let him in?
Dick — He’s engaged to be married to Dolly Street. He won’t take enough interest in other girls even to bet on their weakness for bonnets.
Harry — He’s to be married next week. It’s about time he devoted himself to a study of a woman’s interest in bonnets. Oh, I say, Jack, come over here and “join our merry throng”!
Dick (scornfully) — Skin game! Turn out the gas! It’s a notorious swindle! But tell him what the game is, Tom.
(Tom explains at length.)
Jack (with intense interest) — I see — I see! It’s great! I tell you what — I’ll bet on whether she goes in or not. I’ll be a plunger. I can only lose a dollar if she stops, but I stand to win two if she goes in.
Harry — Here comes a stunning looking girl. See, the one with the heavy veil. I’ll bet she’s pretty, if one could see her face. Do we take this one, Tom?
Tom — Messieurs, fait votre jeu.
(They all make their bets. The girl pauses a moment in front of the window, looking at the bonnets and hats, starts on again, hesitates, and turns back and enters the store.)
Tom — Jack wins double.
Jack — I say, this is better than poker.
Dick (giving him the money) — That was a swell looking girl, though.
Harry — Wish we could have seen her face.
Tom — There she is — look — in the window of the store. The saleslady is showing her a hat. She’s looking over here.
Harry — Who, the saleslady?
Dick — No, you jay; the girl — that swell girl.
Jack — That’s so. She’s looking right up here at the window.
Tom — Think she sees us?
Harry — Why, of course; that’s what she’s looking for. She’s looking at me.
Jack — No, it’s me she’s looking at.
Harry — You’re all wrong. She can’t see you, Jack, sitting where you are.
Jack— ‘Course she can (greatly excited). I say, I say, I say — look there, fellows — I think — I think, that — yes, she is — she’s really smiling at me. Shall I smile back at her?
Harry (indignantly) — Don’t you dare — that smile’s mine.
Jack — Betcha five dollars it’s not.
Harry — Betcha ten it is.
Jack — I’ll take that.
Dick — How you going to prove it?
Tom — I tell you. First Harry will wave his hand at her and see if she waves back at him, or bows. And then Jack will try. And the one she answers wins the money. Catch on?
Jack — That’s a go. There’s my ten dollars.
Harry — And there’s mine.
‘Tom — Now, then, Harry, wave your hand.
Dick — And be just as charming and gracious as you know how.
(Harry waves his hand at the girl, who puts her chin in the air and turns away her head.)
Harry — All is lost but honor.
Tom — Hold on — Jack hasn’t won yet. She may turn him down, too. It’s up to you now, Jack.
(Jack tries. The girl smiles very prettily, nods her head at him and waves her gloved hand.)
Jack — Horray! She’s mine! Harry, perhaps you can play mumblety peg, but when it comes to girls, you’re out of the running! Gimme that ten dollars. Whatle you fellows have to drink?
Dick — Hold up a minute. Watch the girl. She’s going to try on a bonnet, and is taking off her veil. Now we’ll see if she’s pretty or not.
Jack — She’s radiantly beautiful — I feel that she is.
Tom — There, her veil’s off — she is pretty. Look at her, Jack.
Jack (looks and then drops into a chair with a gasp) — It’s Dolly!
Dick — Who? — what? — Miss Street?
Tom — It is, for a fact. I say, Jack — I — we — look here old man. We’ve — I’ve acted like a damned fool, and if it’ll do any good I’ll apologize — I can’t begin to say how cut up I am. I guess (turning to Dick and Harry) I guess I can speak for all of us — we’ve been a lot of beastly little cads, and — and — well, I’m downright ashamed of myself. Will you shake hands on that?
Jack (extending his hand) — That’s all right; of course you — we didn’t know it was — who it was. I don’t know why in the world I didn’t recognize the dress, but that was a new waist I guess, and the veil was so thick. I guess I’ll go down and see Dolly as she comes out. Some of you fellows sign the card for me, will you? (Exit.)
(Tom, Dick and Harry, left to themselves, look ruefully at one another for a moment.)
Tom — This is what our ‘cross-the-water cousins would call an oncommon jolly rum go.
Harry — No wonder she waved her hand at Jack. But, Lord! what do you suppose she thinks of me?
Dick — But do you think now she knew who it was?
Harry — You mean that she didn’t
recognize Jack, after all?
Dick — It’s pretty far from here across the street, and through two panes of glass.
Tom — Would Dolly Street flirt with a man she didn’t know, and she engaged to Jack?
Dick — Pooh! Would Jack flirt with a girl he didn’t know and he engaged to Dolly?
Dick — Betcha five dollars she didn’t recognize Jack. Harry — Betcha ten dollars she did.
Dick — Take you.
* * * * * * * *
(Five minutes later. Dolly Street, coming out of the milliner’s, meets Jack at the door.)
Jack (confusedly) — Say, hello, Dolly! Did you — those fellows — we didn’t know —
Dolly (surprised at seeing him) — Why, dear old Jack, where did you come from? I haven’t seen you in an age!
THE ISABELLA REGINA
A DIALOGUE FROM THE WAVE OF NOVEMBER 28, 1897.
CHARACTERS: Alfred. Angelina. A Conductor. A Train Boy.
SCENE: The rear coach of a passenger train between any city and any fashionable suburb.
Angelina — How far are we from the city, Alfred? Alfred — I don’t know. We must cross the bay first. We go as far as Rockport on the train, you know, and we take the ferry for the city there. We’re not far from Rockport now (looking out the window), be there in about twenty minutes.
‘Train Boy (in a Gregorian chant) — Cigars-Cigarettes-chewing-gum-’n-tabacco.
Alfred — Here, boy. Give me an Isabella Regina — I say Angelina, you don’t mind if I buy a cigar do you — Sidney Spence told me this boy sold a cigar I musn’t fail to try. Of course I won’t smoke now.
Angelina — Why of course I don’t mind, Alfred. It was only cigarettes you promised me about.
Alfred — I won’t buy one if you say not. Angelina — But I want you should, I love to see you happy.
Alfred — My angel. (To the boy.) Two for a quarter?
Boy — Twenty-five cents straight. (Alfred gives him twenty-five cents, and puts the cigar in his upper vest pocket.)
Alfred (proudly) — Angelina, I haven’t smoked a cigarette in a week, and you know I can get twenty-five cigarettes for what I pay for one cigar.
Angelina (with enthusiasm) — You are heroic; you are noble, Alfred.
Alfred (magnificently) — Pooh!
The Conductor — Tickets.
Angelina — Tickets, Alfred.
Alfred — You forget, we are traveling on a pass, Angelina.
Angelina — That’s so, I had forgotten. Don’t it make you feel grand to travel on a pass, Alfred, just as though you were a Personage?
Alfred: (with superb indifference) — Not a bit.
Angelina (gazing at him with admiration) — That’s because you’re so used to it.
Alfred (with nonchalance) — I suppose so, perhaps; I never think much about it.
The Conductor (near at hand) — Tickets. (Alfred hands him the pass with exquisite unconcern, yawning and looking out of the window.)
The Conductor — You must sign this pass, sir.
Alfred (biting his yawn in two and turning to the conductor in some confusion) — What, I — I thought I did pass the sign, I mean sign the —
The Conductor (coldly) — Well, you didn’t. Sign in ink — don’t use your pencil.
Alfred (helplessly) — But I haven’t any ink. (The conductor silently hands him his fountain pen.)
Angelina — How can you sign, Alfred, when the car shakes so?
Alfred — I don’t believe I can.
Angelina — It will be all jigglety, like that signature on the Declaration of Independence. Don’t you remember, the one that’s so shaky, I can’t recall the name. Was it Hopkins or Hancock? it’s dreadfully jigglety. There was a fac simile of the Declaration of Independence on the wall at the seminary, and Miss Mix used to tell us that Mr. Hopkins — or Mr. Hancock’s hand shook so because he was afraid of the British. I can’t remember whether it was Hopkins or Hancock. (To the conductor.) Do you remember?
The Conductor — What!
Alfred (handing him the pass) — There you are. (The conductor takes up the pass and is moving away.)
Alfred — Hey there, conductor. (The conductor pauses.) You didn’t give us any ferry tickets. I thought you always gave passengers tickets for the ferry, when you took up their railroad tickets. You always have before.
The Conductor (loftily) — We only give ferry tickets to passengers travelling at regular transportation rates, we don’t give ’em to holders of passes. (Moves on crying “Tickets!”)
Alfred (excitedly) — But I say — here — hey there, conductor.
Angelina — What’s the matter Alfred. (Alfred gasps, turns pale and rolls his eyes wildly.) Alfred, my own boy, what is it. You are ill. Oh, I said you shouldn’t eat so much of that terrapin stew.
Alfred (fumbling rapidly in one pocket after another) — Nothing, nothing, I — I — I (miserably) I’m afraid I haven’t any money.
Angelina (blankly) — Oh!
Alfred (distracted) — How are we going to get across the bay to the city? We’ll be at Rockport in a few moments. I gave my last change to the train boy for that Isabella Regina. I thought our pass was good to the city. Angelina, we are lost. I haven’t a cent.
Angelina — Nor I. And I made you get that cigar. It’s I that have brought you to this. Oh! Alfred, it’s all my fault.
Alfred (bravely) — No, I am the one to blame, I, only.
Angelina — No, no. It’s only your heroism that says that. It was all on my account.
Alfred — I won’t allow you to say that, Angelina.
Angelina — But you wouldn’t have bought the cigar if I hadn’t made you. I insisted. You see if you had got cigarettes yesterday instead of your after-dinner cigar you would have got twenty-five cigarettes for what you paid for that one cigar and you might have had a few cigarettes left by now and wouldn’t have had to buy that Isabella Regina cigar and-then-you-would-have-had-a-quarter-left-and-we-could-have-got-over-to-the-city — and, oh! I’m so unhappy. (Chokes back a sob.)
Alfred (wildly) — Angelina, you break my heart: stop, I’ll throw myself from the train in another moment.
Angelina (clutching him hysterically) — Alfred, you shall not. Calm yourself. Oh, what’s to become of us now. (Alfred starts suddenly as an idea occurs to him, his pallor increasing.)
Alfred (with terrible calmness) — And this next boat is the last to-day.
Angelina — What do you mean?
Alfred (still with horrible calmness) — If we don’t get this next boat, there is none other we can get till to-morrow morning, and we’ll be obliged to stay over in Rockport all night.
Angelina (repressing a shriek) — Alfred, don’t say it. It can’t be true. What’s to become of me. Everybody knows we came away together to spend the day out of town, and, if we stay away all night — why — why — oh, what is going to become of us now. This is — this must be some horrible dream.
Alfred (in desperation) — And all for the want of a quarter. I shall go insane in another minute.
Angelina — Oh! I know I shall.
Alfred (looking about him) — We must get a quarter.
Angelina — There’s that old gentleman across the aisle. Suppose you go to him. You could ask him to accommodate you with twenty-five cents, and you could give him your note.
Alfred (wildly) — Ha, ha, my note for sixty days. What’s the interest on twenty-five cents for sixty days.
Angelina — Maybe you could sell him something. I know (clapping her hands), sell him the cigar. The Isabella Regina.
Alfred (with enthusiasm) — Saved me again, Angelina; you are my good angel. (Rising.) I’m going to try. Wish me God-speed, Angelina. (They clasp hands.)
Angelina — I know you will succeed.
Alfred — I go. (He approaches the old gentleman, and engages him in a few moments’ interview, unheard by Angelina.)
Alfred (returning) — Crushed! He don’t smoke.
Angelin
a — What did he say?
Alfred — Said he was the third vice-president of the Anti-Nicotine League.
Angelina — We’re lost.
The Brakeman (opening the forward car door with a yell): Next staishn’s Bra-rah-rah! (Remainder unintelligible.)
Alfred — We are almost at Rockport; what can be done.
Angelina — Can’t we hire a boat and row across the bay?
Alfred — And how would we pay the hire, I should like to know?
Angelina — If I only had some jewels to give a boatman. Just like they do in novels! Don’t you remember that poem:
“A chieftain to the highlands bound
Cried boatman do not tarry,
And I’ll give thee a silver crown
To row us o’er the ferry.”
We had it to scan at the seminary, and “tarry” and “ferry” don’t rhyme, nor “bound” and “crown.” I never thought of that before.
Alfred — But what’s to be done. (The train whistles for Rockport and begins to slow down; the passengers collect shawl-straps and satchels; the conductor reappears.)
Angelina — Here’s the conductor, Alfred. Let’s appeal to the conductor. Tell him you haven’t enough money to get across the bay with, and ask him for tickets and tell him you’ll send him the money tomorrow.
Alfred — He never would relent. Didn’t you notice what a frigid brutal manner he had. He’s just in the railroad’s employ, and paid to collect fares. It’s nothing to him that we can’t get across the bay. He is a minion; what the newspapers call “the tool of the corporation.”
Angelina — I’ll talk to him. I’ll throw myself upon his —
Alfred (severely) — Angelina!
Angelina — his mercy.
Alfred — No, I’ll face him.
Angelina — Not alone, Alfred. I’ll be at your side. (The train stops with a backward jerk and a prolonged hiss of relaxed air brakes. The other passengers leave the car. Angelina and Alfred approach the conductor.)
Alfred (in a low tone to Angelina) — I — think I’m a little afraid of him; he acted like such a bear about the pass.
Angelina — Be brave, Alfred.
Alfred (to the conductor, assuming a careless tone and speaking very loud) — I say, about those tickets across the ferry; I find myself in a very embarrassing situation (explains at length).