Happy Place

by L. P. Maxa

  What the hell was going on? Why wouldn’t he want me to know?

  “Momma.” Wyllie was reaching for Cassie now that she was standing again. I handed him off and grabbed the bags off her shoulder just as our plane started boarding.

  “Oh, it’s okay. I can get those.” She balanced Wyllie on her hip and went to take the bags back.

  “I know you can, but I’m here now, I want to help.” Cassie looked down, blinking rapidly. She seemed different. She seemed so much more guarded, so in control. Complete one-eighty from the last time I saw her. Although my last image of Cassie was her beautiful naked body sprawled across my bed, her eyes closed and her head on my pillow.

  Man, was she still beautiful. Her long blonde hair hung down her back in loose waves, her skin was sun-kissed. Her skinny jeans were tight, her long-sleeve shirt was loose. No one made dressed down look as good as she did. And her body? Straight sin, just like always. Although it was curvier than it used to be, and it looked damn fantastic on her.

  ***

  Cassie put Wyllie in his seat and pulled this complicated-looking harness from inside one of her four bags. She hooked it to the back of the seat and strapped him in. Then she got out some noise-canceling headphones, a pacifier, and a tablet.

  I laughed. “I guess this isn’t his first flight?”

  She smiled and collapsed into the window seat. “No, we go to Dallas every other month or so. My stingy cold parents actually turned out to be amazing grandparents. I swear you wouldn’t even recognize them anymore. The house is full of toys and the white couch is smeared with grape jelly. My mother even, wait for it, puts her hair in a ponytail. It’s the weirdest best thing ever.”

  “Wait, you visit Dallas? Where do you live?” I clipped my seat belt in and put my phone on airplane mode.

  “Seaside.”

  I looked up, confused. “You and Wyllie live in Seaside? Since when?”

  Cassie shrugged. “Since before he was born actually. I moved there a few months after I found out I was pregnant. Everything was so chaotic. I just needed to be where I felt calm and at peace, you know?”

  “Your happy place.”

  She laughed. “Yeah, my happy place.”

  “What does, uh, Wyllie’s dad? Your husband? I don’t really know what you’ve been up to, and apparently your brother doesn’t like to share.”

  Cassie opened and closed her mouth a few times. “Wyllie’s father and I aren’t together. It’s just me and Wild Man.”

  Oh. Was he Steven’s? Poor Cassie. Finally got away from that asshole only to get sucked back in. Tied to him forever. “I can’t believe that your parents let you move to another state, pregnant and alone.” What were they thinking? They bossed her around her whole damn life, but when she actually needed their help they just let her go?

  “Well, I didn’t ask for their permission.”

  “I know you called off the wedding, but doesn’t Steven miss watching him grow up? Wyllie is literally the cutest kid I’ve ever seen. How can Steven stand missing this?” Steven was a dick to the highest degree, and I always figured he’d be distant when it came to his kids. But not even living in the same state? That was bad.

  “Oh, uh, well, Wyllie isn’t Steven’s son. But, yes I agree, he is unbelievably cute.” She looked over at Wyllie and ran her hand over his hair in a completely motherly way that made me smile.

  “I’m sorry. I just assumed when you said you and his dad weren’t together… I mean, Wyllie is what, a year old?”

  “Sixteen months.”

  It took all of about twenty seconds for realization to dawn on me. Suddenly every word Cassie had spoken in the past thirty minutes fell into place.

  His dark hair.

  His name.

  His age.

  I started to sweat, my knee started to bounce around like I was on speed. My mouth was almost too dry to form my next words.

  “Whose son is he, Cassie?”

  “Declan, I—”

  “Whose son is he?” I knew my tone had dropped an octave and sounded angry and cold, but I couldn’t help it. My world was spinning out of control. I’d thought about Cassie the whole time I was living in England, the whole damn time. I was on my way to Dallas to see her, to look for her. To tell her how I felt and that I wanted to start a life together. But it seemed she’d already started our life, without me.

  “He’s, well, Wyllie is, uh—”

  “Spit it out, Cass.”

  “He’s your son, Declan.”

  Chapter Five

  Cassie

  He’s your son, Declan. Four words I hadn’t planned on saying today. I’d been shocked to see him, then overjoyed, then terrified. I couldn’t lie to him, not when the truth was sitting happily between us. I never planned on telling Declan about Wyllie this way, blurting it out when I was backed into a corner. I always thought that once he was home for good, I would meet him for dinner, tell him the whole story and then ask him if he wanted to meet Wyllie. I didn’t need anything from Declan; I didn’t need his help or his money. But I always planned on telling him. I wanted Wyllie to know his father. And now, sitting here next to Declan, I knew that by not telling him I’d made a horrible mistake.

  I took a deep breath. “Declan, I am so sorry that you found out this way. I—”

  “Found out this way? Or found out at all?” His tone was harsh, his words clipped. “I don’t want to talk about this right now, Cass. I can’t. I don’t want my son’s first memory of me to be me screaming at his mother.”

  I licked my lips. “Those are noise-canceling headphones, and he’s one.”

  Declan looked around me at Wyllie. “Should he be staring at the screen like that? Isn’t that bad for his brain or something?”

  I started to tell him where he could shove his parenting advice, but stopped myself just in time. He was a parent. He was Wyllie’s parent and had every right to question his screen time. I was the asshole here today, not him. “He watches it for ten minutes and then falls asleep. This is the only way to keep him calm and happy during takeoff. Believe me, you live it, you learn it.” I put my hand on Declan’s arm, and just that simple touch sent chills down my spine.

  “Oh, I’m sorry, I wouldn’t know. You never gave me the chance to live it.”

  He was right to be angry, no part of me faulted him for it. I’d missed Declan, from the moment I’d woken up alone at his house and every day after. There had been a hundred times that I’d wanted to pick up the phone and tell him about Wyllie. But something always stopped me.

  Fear.

  Fear always stopped me. “I never wanted to keep him from you. Please, Dec, hear me out. I’m begging you.”

  Declan fixed his deep brown eyes on me. “We are on a plane surrounded by strangers. I haven’t seen you or talked to you in two damn years. And I just found out I have a son. My mind is reeling, Cassie. So can we please, for the love of God, discuss this when we land?”

  I couldn’t talk past the lump in my throat, so I simply nodded my head. I turned my attention back to Wyllie, who had already fallen asleep just like I knew he would. I turned off his cartoons and guided his little body down onto his travel pillow.

  Wyllie was my whole world. He was the most loving, funny, smart, handsome baby boy ever. I was beyond blessed to have him. Every emotion I’d held at bay, every memory of my time with Declan, all came flooding back. My heart suddenly broke when I thought about how much Declan had missed, how much of Wyllie’s life he hadn’t been there for. And it was all my fault. I’d spent the last two years in survival mode, never letting myself think about how much my decision would affect Declan. I thought solely of me and my son, doing what was best for us. How could I be so selfish? So selfish, for so long.

  I had rationalized it a thousand times. I’d convinced myself to wait, to talk to him when he was living back home. Where he could see Wyllie, be a constant in his life. I’d told myself I was doing the right thing, that I was being strong. Independent.

&nbs
p; But seeing him here today, having his arms around me…seeing him pick Wyllie up, the way he looked at him—even now watching him sleep—I saw it was my insecurities that made me keep Wyllie all to myself. I put my hand on Declan’s arm again, drawing his gaze from Wyllie back to me. “I want you to know him, Dec. I want you to love him, and I want for him to love you. Above all else, please know, I was always going to tell you.”

  Declan let out a short quiet laugh, shaking his head slightly. “The crazy thing is, Cassie, I already love him. I did from the first moment I saw him, because above all else, he’s a part of you.”

  ***

  A little over an hour later, and Declan’s words were still running through my head. He was such a good man, an amazing man, and he would make a great father. He had strength and dignity; he was humble and driven. He smiled and laughed like it was the easiest thing in the world to do. I knew he’d never let my dishonesty affect his relationship with Wyllie. That wasn’t who Declan was. And I was so damn lucky for it.

  When the flight attendant came on the overhead signaling that we were starting our descent, I reached over and turned Wyllie’s cartoons back on, knowing he would wake up any second and I needed him to be instantly distracted. I grabbed his pacifier out of my purse and put it in his mouth. I was trying to slowly wean it away from him, but he needed it to help with his ears during takeoff and landing.

  I could feel Declan’s eyes on me, watching my every interaction with our son. Dec hadn’t said another word since he told me he already loved Wyllie. He didn’t need to. I knew his heart was broken and overjoyed at the same time.

  And I hated myself for it.

  Once we landed, I started packing away all of Wyllie’s stuff and unstrapped him from his safety harness. He reached his arms out for me to pick him up. “You know what, Wild Man? Mommy needs to carry all these bags. Do you think it would be okay if Declan carries you?” He nodded his head, his dark locks shaking, and lunged for Declan, whose face softened. I looked away, giving him the space he needed to sort through the fact that he was holding his child. It was the least I could do and the only way I could think of right now to show him how sorry I was.

  We got off the plane, the three of us, like a little family. I scooped up Wyllie’s car seat that was brought from under the cargo hold.

  Declan grabbed a couple of the bags and held them in the arm that wasn’t holding our son. “Geez, Cass, what would you do if I wasn’t here to help? You couldn’t possibly carry all this stuff by yourself.”

  I raised an eyebrow. I could prove to him that I was in fact capable of juggling all this stuff and Wyllie. But I didn’t want to remind him that I’d been raising our son alone for the last sixteen months. “It’s not easy. I’m glad you’re here.” No need to drive the knife I’d put in Dec’s chest any deeper.

  “Are your parents picking y’all up?” Declan’s eyes swept the airport, looking for my family. And no doubt looking for Brice so he could kill him for not mentioning Wyllie for the last two years. Come to think of it, why hadn’t Brice told Dec I’d had a baby?

  “They left a car for me in short term parking. They are actually in Hawaii until tomorrow.” I wondered which car they’d left. I hoped it wasn’t something opulent. The more expensive the car, the more likely Wyllie would spill juice or have a blowout. Last time we were here, he’d projectile vomited in my dad’s Bentley.

  “Come home with me.” Declan stopped walking. Absentmindedly, he was bouncing Wyllie from side to side. They’d started to bond already and Dec’s instincts had taken over.

  “To your parents’ house? No way.” It’s not that I didn’t like his parents, I loved them. But every time they saw Wyllie, they always said things like wow he looks just like Declan when he was a baby or where did he get that dark hair? I think deep down they wondered if Wyllie was Declan’s son. And I was not ready to face that firing squad. One truth bomb a day was all I could handle. See? There I went again. Selfish.

  “No, not to Mom and Dad’s. I bought an investment property off Lemmon while I was living in London. It was a steal. I had it remodeled and furnished so I could sell it. We can stay there tonight.”

  I started to shake my head. Staying the night with an incredibly hot and tempting Declan? Not a good idea. I hadn’t been touched by another man since we conceived Wyllie. If he even looked at me the wrong way, I’d probably attack him. And I doubted he wanted anything to do with me sexually. Not that I could blame him. I wouldn’t want to get in bed with someone who’d lied to me for two years straight. Not the stuff fantasies are made of. Plus, I didn’t look like the girl I was when he’d left. I’d had a baby. I’d traded Pilates in for playdates. Declan was used to supermodels and English royalty.

  “Cassie, please. I just found out I have a son, I haven’t seen you in two years. We need to talk, we need to figure all this out.”

  He was right, but this was going to be pure torture. “Yeah, no, of course. That’s a good idea. Just let me text Brice. Wyllie and I were supposed to meet him for dinner.” I dug around in the diaper bag until I located my phone, which was at the bottom covered in goldfish cracker crumbs.

  I started typing out an excuse to my brother when Dec put his hand over mine. “No, we’ll keep those plans with Brice. There are a few things I would love to ask him.”

  Chapter Six

  Declan

  My mind was still reeling. I felt like the rug had been pulled out from under me. I’d been gone for two years. Living in another country for god’s sake. I hadn’t seen Cassie or heard her sweet voice for over seven hundred and thirty days. And in that time, she’d had my child.

  If I thought I’d find anything different about her, it’d crossed my mind that maybe her hair would be a different color. Maybe she’d gotten a tattoo, or maybe she would have picked up tennis. But…

  She. Had. My. Child.

  I was a father.

  Holy shit.

  I wanted to scream at her, I wanted to throw things and demand answers. But I knew that I wouldn’t be able to stay mad at her. Because I also wanted to hold her and feel her lips pressed to mine.

  The night we were together in Florida was the best night of my life. Every emotion I’d told myself I wasn’t allowed to have for Cassie had come clawing its way to the surface. I was so torn. I’d meant what I said about loving Wyllie. I’d loved him when I thought Steven was his father, because the other half of him was Cassie.

  Then the minute the words “He’s your son, Declan” came out of Cassie’s mouth, my heart swelled even further. I knew how I felt about Wyllie; I just couldn’t seem to pinpoint how I was supposed to feel about his mother.

  She’d lied to me. She’d stolen precious time, precious memories from me. How could I ever forgive her? But then again, she was the mother of my son and the love of my life. How could I not?

  My investment property off Lemmon Avenue was just a few miles away from where both Cassie and I had grown up in Highland Park. We’d had privileged upbringings, to say the least. I knew that Cassie would never want our son to be raised here in Dallas. I completely understood her need to keep him away from this life, this neighborhood.

  The kids we went to school with all had limitless credit cards and got brand-new eighty-thousand-dollar cars when they turned sixteen. I sure as hell had, and so had Cassie and Brice. Kids in this neighborhood had the best of everything in the world at their disposal. And most of them grew up to be spoiled, judgmental shitheads.

  How Cassie turned out so grounded, so happy with the small things I’d never know. I sent up a silent prayer that Wyllie would grow up and be like his mother. Well, maybe he could do with a little more of my honesty, but still.

  When we got to the house, I helped Cassie get everything she would need for the night out of the Tahoe. Man, kids came with a lot of stuff. It was late December in Dallas, Christmas was just around the corner. It was cold and windy outside, completely different weather than her home in Seaside, Florida.

 
“You and Wyllie can take the master bedroom.” She followed me down the long hallway, her flats barely audible on the hand-scraped wood floors.

  “Oh, well, thanks, but actually Wyllie kind of moves around like a tornado when he sleeps. Is there a bed that’s against a wall? Otherwise he’ll roll right off.”

  I looked at the giant king-size bed in the middle of the soft gray room. I doubted I’d be able to move this bed all the way against the wall. The room next door was the same. The furniture the decorator had picked out was heavy, lots of ironwork and wood. “We could try to bring one of these mattresses down on the floor? Or, uh, I could sleep with you guys? Be the other wall, you know? I mean, if that’s okay.”

  Until I said the words, I didn’t really know how much I wanted her to say yes. I wanted to know what my son looked like when he was fast asleep. Did he smile when dreamed? His mother had, the one time I’d had the privilege of being next to her in the middle of the night.

  “Is that what you want, Dec? Do you want sleep with us?” Cassie put Wyllie down on the floor and he teetered over to a large floor-to-ceiling window. He kept slapping the glass and then cracking up about it.

  “I do. If that’s okay.” He was my son too, but I wouldn’t push her into something as personal as this. Not today.

  It seemed like it took an eternity for her to nod her head in a silent yes.

  “Thank you,” I whispered.

  Cassie closed her eyes and took a deep breath. “Why don’t we go in the living room, I’ll dump out Wyllie’s toys and we’ll talk. I’ll tell you everything you want to know, I promise.”

  My heart was pounding as I followed her back into the main part of the house. I wanted to know her reasons for keeping me in the dark; I wanted to know every detail about Wyllie’s life, everything I’d missed. But part of me was terrified. Terrified that I wouldn’t like the answers she had. Terrified that knowing all I’d missed would make this ache in my chest even worse.