“For not being there for you before now.”
I leaned back in my chair and sighed. I’d been focusing on the relief and happiness I felt about Mark waking up. That had allowed me to suppress the guilt I felt where he was concerned for a period. But I wasn’t a person to shy away from, or bury the truth if I could help it. Mark had been my best friend at school for years; I owed him an amends.
“I just accepted it when we learned you were sick. I should have pushed harder for answers about what was wrong with you. I should have gone to check on you myself at some point during these last few months. I should’ve done . . . something.”
“Jason, it’s okay,” Mark said. “You couldn’t have known what was really going on. My parents and the higher-ups wanted to keep the truth from everyone. Past that, why would you think I was in danger? We’ve always been taught that heroes and princes do the saving, they don’t need saving. It’s engrained in us to take care of ourselves. We’re good friends, but you and I weren’t raised to think any differently.”
“That doesn’t mean I shouldn’t have tried,” I insisted. “While you’ve been under that curse, our friends and I have been trying to make a difference, but we’ve also gained a lot of perspective. One of the most important things I’ve learned is that no one—including heroes—is above needing to be saved. It’s narcissistic of us to think otherwise. The stories happening today are not like the ones we grew up with. Our roles are evolving. So while I know you’re trying to make me feel better about it, the truth is I let you down. And I’m sorry.”
Mark took a moment to absorb what I’d said then eventually nodded. “If I accept your apology, can you please forgive yourself?”
I sighed. “Yeah. If you insist.”
“I do.”
“Then fine. But I promise you this—no matter what happens, if you ever need me in the future, I’ll be there for you.”
“Okay,” Mark said. “And hey, if you want to feel better about yourself faster, then I could go tick off some random witch and we can do a drill to check your response time to my next curse.”
“Really, another joke?”
Mark shrugged. “I didn’t get to make a single one for a year. Give me a break.”
Dinner was way more awkward than I thought it would be.
Breakfast had been fast and colored by the general optimism of starting the day fresh. Plus, half our group had left early for the peace talks. With nightfall at the windows instead of sunshine, and no need for us to go anywhere afterward, dinner brought us all together for a prolonged period. The twelve of us—minus Pietro who had business to take care of via magic compact—sat there trying to feign normalcy. However, with all of us gathered there, it became a lot more apparent that someone from the usual crew was missing. I stared at one of the empty chairs and imagined Crisa sitting there.
I wondered if anyone else did the same thing. My friends were all currently pursuing some form of awkward or tense behavior. Daniel hadn’t said much, but he glared at Chance whenever the prince spoke. Kai occasionally shot Daniel a worried look. Mauvrey was also quiet, and she and Girtha actively avoided eye contact with each other. SJ absentmindedly listened when someone said something, but she had her potions journal open beside her place setting and her attention kept wandering to it. Divya appeared troubled. Javier ate quickly like he was stressed. Marie and Gordon, at the opposite end of the table from me, whispered to one another in hushed tones.
I was grateful that I had at least tempered some of the discomfort with Blue. She sat on my right and presently finagled her fork to pursue a meatball that kept rolling away on her plate. I found myself stealing glances at her.
“So . . .” I looked up as Girtha cleared her throat. “There is something important we need to discuss. I didn’t think it was the right time to bring it up until now.” Girtha reached into her bag, pulled out an item, and placed it on the center of the table. It was a book.
“Crisa’s dream journal!” Blue gasped.
Crud, I’d totally forgotten about that!
SJ’s eyes shot up from her text. Everyone was at full attention now.
“Where did you get that?” SJ asked. “I thought Crisa lost it in Camelot.”
“She did,” I responded. “But when we were in Dreamland, there was this place where lost things turned up. She found it there.”
“I’m sorry, what journal is this?” Gordon asked.
“For a few months, Crisa took a page from the Author’s metaphorical playbook and started writing down her visions to keep track of them,” Blue explained. She glowered at Girtha. “I can’t believe you didn’t bring this up earlier.”
“We had a lot to cover since last night. There wasn’t a good moment until now,” Girtha responded.
“Uh-huh. So you just took it upon yourself to hold onto it and not say anything for a whole day,” Blue retorted. “What were you doing, flipping through it?”
“Of course not!” Girtha replied indignantly. “And anyway, haven’t you been holding on to something of Crisa’s too? I saw her give you her magic wand before we split up.”
Blue froze. “That’s different,” she said eventually. “That wand doesn’t have any magic on its own. Only Crisa can operate it. The thing might as well be a glorified kitchen spoon, so it doesn’t affect anyone if I have it.”
“Wait, back to the book,” Divya interjected. “All of Crisa’s dreams of the future are recorded in this journal?”
“More or less . . .” Blue shot another condemning glance at Girtha before turning to Divya. “She started writing it in late December and lost it in April. I’m not sure how diligent she was about recording every single dream she had during that time, but I saw her scribbling in it most mornings at school.”
“This is amazing,” Marie commented. “That book could hold a lot of useful information.”
“Without Crisa being here to talk with him in person, it may also be our best way to understand why she believed Mark would help us find Natalie Poole,” SJ said. “If he looked through the book, perhaps he could find the link we are missing.”
“I don’t agree, SJ,” Chance said, pressing his hands on the table. “Look, I get how valuable this is, but maybe we shouldn’t open it. I have five sisters. Any one of them would go ballistic if someone read their journals. Maybe we should respect Crisa’s privacy and leave it alone until she gets back.”
“That is an honorable suggestion, but this is not a diary, Chance,” SJ replied. “It contains important insights that we could use on any number of fronts. The logical thing would be to read it. I think Crisa would want us to.”
“I agree,” Kai said. “Who knows how helpful it could be. Just because we lost physical Crisa doesn’t mean we can’t use what’s left of her.”
“Kai.” Daniel shot her an angry glare, full of disapproval. I’d never seen him look at her like that. Kai was clearly not used to it either, based on her expression of shock. She sat back in her chair and met our collective gaze. “Um, sorry. That sounded harsher than intended.”
Girtha reached for the book.
“Hold on,” Blue and I said in unison, standing. We exchanged a glance and then I gestured for her to go first.
“When she was given the choice to read her full prophecy, Crisa did the bravest, most unexpected thing I have ever seen,” Blue said, looking at the faces around the table. “She decided not to read it. She knew that unnatural foresight was a dangerous thing, and she didn’t want it messing with her perspective and actions. While I agree with your logic, SJ—and I think Crisa would also agree from a strategic point of view—opening that journal would go against her very core. We can’t do it. It doesn’t feel right.”
I nodded in agreement. That was more or less what I was going to say.
“But what if there are matters of life or death in there?” Divya said.
“Crisa would have told us if something like that was coming,” I said.
“She has not always been open ab
out such matters,” SJ replied. “Am I the only one who remembers what happened in Adelaide last fall?”
“That was a long time ago,” Daniel said. “She’s changed.”
“Daniel’s right,” I said. “In fact, I know for a fact she would warn us if anything life-threatening was going to happen to one of us.” I released a short, but deep breath and pivoted to face Blue. “Don’t be mad, but you know how I died in Camelot a few months ago? Crisa saw it coming. She warned me about it, and we workshopped ways to save me ahead of time. I made her promise not to say anything to anyone else though.”
Blue’s eyes buggered and flashed with a half dozen sentiments at once. Then she smacked me hard on the arm.
“You knew you were going to die and you didn’t say anything?”
“Come on, Blue,” Daniel said. “You wouldn’t have either if you were in the same situation. There’s a good chance none of us would have.”
Blue’s red face slowly returned to normal. She sat down with her arms folded and didn’t say anything. Daniel was right. I hadn’t wanted to torment my friends with my possible death, and several of them had the personalities to suggest they would handle things the same way.
“So, what are we going to do?” Marie said calmly after a pause. “Read the book or not?”
We gazed down at the journal. It felt like a piece of Crisa was staring back at us—daring us and challenging us to make the next move. This small object could have an unimaginably big impact if we simply opened it.
“Let us take a vote,” SJ declared. “We are friends and we are a team. The only way both designations work is if we fairly take all opinions into account. Sound good?”
The lot of us nodded in agreement.
SJ stood and raised her hand. “All those in favor of reading the dream journal?”
Along with SJ, across the table Marie, Kai, Gordon, Divya, and Javier raised their hands.
“All those opposed?” SJ said.
Chance, Daniel, Blue, Girtha, and I lifted our hands.
“Good. It’s decided,” Kai said. “We read the book.” She started to reach for it, but Mauvrey abruptly stood and placed her hand upon it.
Dang, I had forgotten the princess was here. She had barely spoken or even moved in her seat. I felt bad describing it this way, but it was almost as if she had faded into the background of our group like a shadow.
“I vote no,” she said firmly. It was the most confident her voice had sounded since she’d woken up. Maybe this conversation had woken her up in a different way.
“Should you really get a vote, though?” Kai argued. “You’re not really a part of this team. You just showed up.”
“Kai,” I said sternly. “We brought her back and we need her. Mauvrey is part of this team now. The same way you became part of it when you just showed up back in Camelot.”
For the second time tonight, Kai withdrew. I hoped Daniel wouldn’t be mad that I snapped at his girlfriend. Kai could be a bit cold. SJ came across that way sometimes, but I knew it was because of her logic. With Kai it seemed like a lack of empathy. Not that I would ever voice that to Daniel. Blue wasn’t even my girlfriend and if someone talked down about her, I would let them have it. Daniel had been in a relationship with Kai for years. I doubted my eleven-month-long friendship with the guy gave me a pass to make negative commentary about her.
“So now what?” Javier said. “With Mauvrey’s vote that makes it a tie: six to six.”
“No,” Mauvrey said.
“Yes, we know you vote no,” Girtha replied.
Mauvrey shook her head. “I mean no to all of this. I may not understand where I fit in or who I am without Tara, but I do know what it is like to have someone inside your head—violating your thoughts, your fears, your hopes, your soul. Crisa has strong Pure Magic, which means she has a lot of dreams of the future. There is no telling what personal information about her life and those she cares about resides in this book. If she is going to be back in a few weeks, and you all respect and care about her as much as you seem to, you need to stand down and leave this text closed. Logic and strategy aside, it is the right thing to do.”
Our eyes fell from Mauvrey to the journal again.
After a minute, SJ cleared her throat.
“I . . . I change my vote,” she said. Then she glanced at me and Blue, and also Daniel, with apology in her eyes. “I am sorry.” “I change my vote too,” Marie added sadly. “Respect for Crisa comes first. She will be back soon. We can wait for answers.”
The others who’d previously voted yes acknowledged their agreement with Marie and SJ’s sentiments. The matter appeared resolved, but then Chance voiced an important question.
“Who holds onto the book until Crisa returns?”
“I can continue to,” Girtha replied.
“Not a chance in Nightmare,” Blue said.
“I will,” I declared. The others turned to look at me. I held my ground and did not even blink. As I’d hoped, and suspected, approval resounded across the table. I shot SJ a quick glance and she nodded. I’d tested her theory and she turned out to be right. I was the most agreeable option. I guess that was a benefit of being so considerate all the time; it allowed me to get along with most people.
Girtha passed me the book and I held it firmly in my hands, speaking to my friends equally firmly. “Book’s next full moon is only in twenty-three days. Crisa will be back then, and we can all look for answers together.”
hen I entered my favorite Darling Castle sitting room—the one with the fancy hot chocolate machine—Daphne and Chance were finishing the exchange of a hug. It seemed like a nice brother-sister moment, and I felt bad for trespassing on it. Chance saw me in the doorway. He straightened quickly.
“Sorry,” I replied awkwardly. I gestured to the folders in my hand. “I was prepping for tomorrow’s peace talks and needed a change of venue to get the rest of my reading done.”
“Not a problem,” Daphne said. She put her hand on her little brother’s shoulder. “Remember what I told you.” Daphne walked past me into the hall. “Try to get some sleep, Jason. You have a big day tomorrow. It is only the diplomatic fate of our entire realm resting on your shoulders.” She said it with jest in her tone, but that didn’t mean she wasn’t right.
No pressure.
I placed my folders on the table before going to operate the bronze hot chocolate machine. “You want one?” I offered Chance.
“Um, sure.”
I prepared the drink; it’d been a while since I used the machine, but muscle memory had a way of recalling important things. The beverages poured out, and I passed Chance a cup of the warm, rich liquid before heading to an armchair and picking up one of my folders, flipping it open.
“How are you doing with that?” Chance asked, gesturing to my reading materials.
“It’s interesting stuff. I’m grateful for the chance to make a difference. Or at least try to. As a bonus, I think it’ll be a good distraction. We all need that in one way or another.”
“Yeah, it’s going to be a weird few weeks . . .”
Chance sat down in his own chair. My eyes flicked to the documents in the folder I held, but after a beat I realized I couldn’t concentrate on them. I closed the folder. “Can I ask you something?”
“I guess so.” Chance shrugged.
“Mauvrey seems to think that no one will be able to forgive her for all the things she did as Tara. I’m curious about how you feel, given that you guys dated for such a long time.”
“My feedback may not be the most helpful.”
“Because of how uncomfortable you are around her?”
He stared at me.
“I’ve seen how you’ve acted since she woke up. Is it because she was never who you thought?”
“I can deal with the fact that Mauvrey was a villainous antagonist with a Shadow the whole time we dated. What’s harder to face is the person I was when we were together. That’s why I’m uncomfortable around her; she’s a remin
der of the version of me I’m trying to outrun. You’re too nice to say it, but I was a jerk back then.”
“I have no problem saying it. You were the worst.” Chance’s face fell, but I shrugged. “What? You know it’s true.”
He sighed. “Yeah. I do. And Mauvrey’s face is a memento of that. I started to change around the same time she-Tara vanished from school. Seeing her again now stirs the worries I’ve been dealing with for months that I’ll never be able to make enough amends to escape from the guy I used to be.”
“You’re different now, Chance. We don’t hold who you were against you.”
“You don’t. Not all people are as nice as you.”
“Chance, it doesn’t matter if you have one friend or a hundred. I can be your friend. I can accept who you are now and how you’ve changed. It’s easy because I focus on the present, not the past. Plus, you never hurt me; you just annoyed me. If you want to make peace with who you used to be, and go forward without all that guilt, the only judge and jury you need to make amends to is yourself. When you have the nerve to do that, you’ll move past this.”
Chance stared into his cup again, as if the beverage was an endless pool of deep thought.
“If it’s any consolation,” I said after a moment. “I’m definitely not the only friend you have here. A lot of us like you now.”
“But not everyone,” Chance commented.
“If you were liked by everyone then you’d be as fake as you were before. Being liked by everyone is an impossible goal if you want to stay true to yourself. But as we all spend more time together, I’m sure plenty of us will continue to like you more as we get to know you more. Give it time. You barely integrated into our story arc a few months ago.”
Chance leaned back in his chair. “I guess things could be worse.”
“Dude. I’ve seen a lot this year. Trust me, things could definitely be worse.”
He nodded. “So, I have to say no to your original question then. In spite of everything, with time I think maybe one day people will look at Mauvrey and see who she is now, not who she used to be. I have to believe that, right? Because aren’t I hoping for the same thing?”
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