“You got this, Gunnar. Do it for Ashley!” I encouraged him. He let out a groan and began to shamble after us, wincing with each step and gritting his teeth.
But he did this while also pounding his last beer. Like I said, a trooper.
I shared a look with Alucard and popped all of my remaining beers straight from the holster. Then I began pounding them as I ran after the hobbling Gunnar. Alucard did the same, so it probably looked like the Alcothon—like when those marathoners are spraying water all over their faces during certain stretches of the race.
I heard sirens and police cars in the distance, and a whole lot of shouting. Things like, Stop resisting, you’re under arrest, officer down, and we need backup!
We brave bastards ignored it all as we poured on the speed. Either we had lost the vampires, or things had gotten too chaotic in the chase and they had given up at the arrival of the police, because we made it back to the Alcochemist without incident, our beers empty and voodoo bride intact—kind of.
Luckily, the bar front seemed oddly deserted compared to the other streets, so there were no witnesses to conveniently point out where the naked man-meat parade had ended their show.
Alucard and I stumbled back into the bar, laughing loudly with our arms draped over each other’s shoulders for balance. We looked up to see the Valkyries turning to look at us as Achilles loudly informed Herja that he had single-handedly saved the day.
Herja seemed a lot more interested in him than earlier, but the concealed smirk on her face told me she didn’t buy a word of it. I think she was more impressed by the fact that he found it necessary to try and swoon her with such a bold-faced lie. The fact that she was the first person Achilles had wanted to brag to about the chase meant something special to her, despite her tough demeanor.
Julian and his two vampires were sitting at the bar, cackling with laughter, rehashing the real story for everyone at the bar. Since they hadn’t managed to see everything, it became a drunken game of one-up where we all began laughing and shouting over each other about our own private moments of glory.
Nicolas’ cheeks were wet with tears as he poured more drinks, shaking his head in amazement. “The bar is veiled, thank god, or we would have a SWAT team on our ass any minute. I count at least five felonies in that story,” he wheezed.
Gunnar had carefully detached his bride from the bicycle that Asterion had brought into the bar and was tugging his clothes back on like the rest of us.
Except for Achilles, who was still naked and had somehow maneuvered himself onto Herja’s lap. She didn’t seem to mind this time, and I wondered if we were about to lose our first man of the night. Oh well, he’d been next-to-useless anyway.
Chapter 12
Achilles had swindled a few smooches from Herja, but Nicolas had made her put on bright red lipstick first so that Achilles could remember it in the morning since he was so drunk it was unlikely he would remember even a hint of tonight’s adventures.
The rest of us were in similar straits.
Then the other two Valkyries had taken the lipstick and slowly put it on their own lips in very artistic designs, revealing they hadn’t learned to color inside the lines in Valkyrie school. They puckered their ruby-red mouths and convinced us to sing karaoke.
We sang way too many songs, but we each earned a cheek full of sloppy lipstick kisses and even convinced the Valkyries to flash us. They wore chainmail bras underneath their leathers, which kind of killed the moment, but by the way they acted about even revealing that much in front of a crowd, I was pretty sure it was a first and that we better act very fucking appreciative.
We gave them all our beads, which ended up being a surprising stash.
I high-fived Julian, who was snorting with laughter as he watched us. His pals were shaking their heads incredulously at the shit-show that was the St. Louis crew. “You guys are hardcore,” Julian said, bumping fists with each of us.
Then he motioned for us to gather around him, so he could point us towards our next adventure. Honestly, I felt like Odysseus—that we were on a never-ending adventure when all I really wanted to do was make it home.
I acknowledged this weakness in silence, reminded myself that this was a bachelor party, and promptly drowned the thought with the ocean of beer sloshing around inside me.
“Okay,” Julian began. “Your next—and last—stop is the Foxies strip club. Head three blocks North and then two blocks West. The entrance is impossible to miss since it has a giant orange and white foxtail painted on the outside, but it’s in an alley so the non-magical crowd doesn’t accidentally stumble inside. And your new drinking rule is Tinkle Time. Anytime one of you needs to pee you have to sing Tinkle Bell, Tinkle Bell, join me at the wishing well.” He waited to make sure we got it before nodding. “If you forget to sing, you drink.”
We nodded, said our goodbyes, and forcefully dragged Achilles from Herja’s embrace, ignoring his promises of undying love and that he would come back for her.
Now that we were clothed, the streets felt much different. The night had died down somewhat, probably a result of the heavy police presence searching for us. Thinking of that, I took the lead of our shambling group and decided to take to the alleys rather than the main streets.
That was our first mistake.
Chapter 13
We’d been walking for about twenty minutes and were now hopelessly lost, but we didn’t dare risk going back out onto the main streets because we had spotted too many cruising police cars patrolling the streets for us.
The rest of the bachelor party was debating about where we had taken a wrong turn.
“Two blocks west and three blocks north,” Gunnar said confidently.
I rolled my eyes. “No. You’re wrong.”
He eyed me, leaning like a drunken sailor. “Oh, yeah? What did he say then?”
I opened my mouth to reply but hiccupped instead. I finally raked my fingers through my hair. “I don’t know,” I admitted. “But it wasn’t three blocks west and two blocks east,” I argued.
“No, I think that is what he said…” Alucard murmured, frowning to himself. “It sounds right. I’m sure of it.”
Achilles scoffed. “That doesn’t even make sense!”
“Why?” Asterion asked. “Sounds logical to me. I think I remember Julian saying that.”
Achilles scratched at his stubbled cheeks. “Maybe you’re—” he cut off abruptly, eyes widening. “Tinkle Bell, Tinkle Bell, join me at the pissing well!” And he immediately darted for the alley wall, unfastening his jeans to take a leak.
I grunted. “I couldn’t remember the damned song. I’ve needed to pee for like ten minutes.”
The group burst out laughing. Then Achilles shouted loudly. We spun, ready to kick some ass, but Alucard lost his balance and toppled over a collection of trash cans loud enough to wake the dead.
No one helped him up, searching the darkness for Achilles instead. I spotted him talking to two shadowy silhouettes in hooded robes. Achilles was shouting at them. “Of course, I can pee here! Don’t you know who I am?”
We made our way closer to them, our fists balled in case there was a fight. As we neared, I felt a tickling sensation at the base of my neck as if we were being watched. The hooded figures turned to face us, noticing our aggressive postures. Their shoulders relaxed and they each lifted their hands as if to tell us they meant no harm.
One of them slowly reached one of his hands back to politely knock on a door behind him. The surface of the door seemed to shine as if freshly painted. As I came closer, I realized it looked more like scales than paint.
“We found it,” I said, letting out a breath of relief. “That door looks exactly like Jose described.”
My crew murmured their agreement, sounding suddenly excited to find a strip club after our long walk through the dark, dirty alleys of New Orleans.
The two hooded figures shared a silent look but were interrupted by the door opening partway behind them. A hand emerged
to extend a tray of fun-looking shots in test tubes. One of the hooded figures accepted it with a murmured thanks and the door closed again.
“Ooooh,” Asterion murmured. “Those look delicious.”
Achilles grunted. “What’s this swill?” he asked in a suspicious tone.
“Don’t worry,” one of the hooded figures said in a low rasp. “It’s not poison.”
Achilles took a step back. “Who said anything about poison? I was going to say that it looks like pure estrogen,” he said.
Asterion was already thundering towards the tray, shoving us out of the way as he skidded to a stop before the suddenly terrified hooded figures. The Minotaur didn’t seem to notice their fear, despite the fact that the hooded figure’s hands were shaking so much that the tray was rattling. Asterion scooped up three of the test tube shots and pounded them all in one go. For some strange reason I couldn’t quite place, I had a brief thought that drinking from those tubes was a horrible idea, but it faded away almost immediately as Achilles and Alucard scooped up a fistful of their own and guzzled them down.
The hooded figures offered the tray towards Gunnar, but he shook his head. “My wife is a messy drinker,” he said, rubbing his voodoo bride’s head. The two hooded figures chuckled, but I didn’t understand why. Gunnar didn’t seem to find anything funny about it either because he didn’t smile. The hooded figures’ laughter cut off abruptly.
I waved away their offer as well. “I need to tinkle,” I told the one with the tray. I found myself staring past him because Asterion was reaching a hand into the air and grasping at something I couldn’t see. Alucard was giggling as if he couldn’t quite recall how to stop.
And Achilles was resting his cheek against the scaly door. “It’s so soft,” he whispered incredulously, sliding his face back and forth as he hummed to himself.
Gunnar and I stared at the three of them, frowning. I finally waved my hand dismissively and turned to the hooded figures. “We came here for a job, and we’re not leaving until that job is finished. We’re gentlemen on a mission, you see.” Gunnar cleared his throat pointedly and I glanced over to see him jerking his chin at the voodoo bride. I turned back to the hooded figures. “And my friend’s lady wife, naturally.”
The two hooded figures gave us another of those silent stares, but it was interrupted by Asterion who was now licking the dirty brick wall with a long tongue. “I can taste the flows of time itself…” he mumbled between licks.
I gagged instinctively, but Gunnar looked over at him curiously. “Really?” he asked.
I clapped my hands. “We’re gentlemen on a mission!” I reminded my crew in a shout loud enough to catch their attention. Alucard was openly crying with laughter, kneeling in a puddle, and Achilles was still rubbing his cheek on the door, but they looked more attentive.
“If you will follow us, we have nudity inside,” the hooded figures offered helpfully.
“Even better!” I cheered. “Much better than that other mission I mentioned.”
“Absolutely,” Gunnar agreed solemnly. “Let’s go, honey,” he told his voodoo bride, ever the gentleman. The hooded figures opened the doors and I—being the only responsible one left—managed to shove them all through ahead of me, after Gunnar helped pry Asterion off the wall.
We entered a long, narrow hallway that was illuminated with black lights, making us all glow, especially the voodoo bride’s lingerie—even though it was now significantly stained, and she had tire marks from the bike across her panties.
A large figure loomed ahead of us, guarding a door. When he stood, I hissed, taking a step back instinctively. “No disrespect, but that’s a hell of a nose you got there, pal,” I said, smiling politely.
The slick-skinned bouncer studied me with narrowed eyes, his green snout easily a few feet long and full of razor-sharp teeth. Achilles was pressed against the wall and rolling across it like he was rolling down a hill in a field. Alucard was twisting his wrist back and forth, studying his hand in the glowing light as if it was the first time he’d ever seen it.
Asterion was smiling like a big idiot, trying to touch his nostril ring with his tongue and laughing with each failed attempt.
“I’m a crocodile,” the bouncer finally said, frowning at us. “You guys do know where you are, right? Cockodile Skins…”
“Yep. That sounds right. We’re here for a job, but we’re going to need help. We should have a friend waiting for us inside to tell us what tonight’s game is. We’re just doing what we’re told.”
The bouncer’s eyes widened, and he looked like—for the first time in his career—he wasn’t quite sure how to respond.
He finally shrugged, opening the inner door for us. We stepped through and were immediately assaulted by strobing lights and some kind of electronic music with a lot of bass. The walls and floors were black marble, but all the decorations were an ivory tone—from rugs to couches to artwork on the walls.
As I accustomed myself to our new surroundings, I became more uncomfortable, but I wasn’t quite sure why. I turned to scan the room in search of our contact. Had Julian given us a name or description?
Gunnar was frowning absently. “Something seems…different,” he finally said.
Alucard froze suddenly, his laughter cutting off. I turned to find him staring at a naked male dancer standing directly before him. His costume consisted of a bow-tie around his neck. He gave Alucard a very friendly smile, but instead of smiling back, Alucard gave him an awkward high five and then turned around, steering us away.
“Hey,” I snapped. “Who was your friend, Alucard?” I demanded. “That was very rude!”
Alucard shoved us into a booth and shushed us, glancing around quickly to make sure we were alone. Sensing his panic, we all focused on him, wondering if we were in danger.
“I don’t know if you guys have noticed,” Alucard began, “but I think we might be in the wrong place.”
I frowned, turning to scan the dance club. I saw the stages and the stripper poles, a guy in a fox-tail thong and bow-tie giving a bachelorette party a lap-dance, and a bunch of other naked guys walking around with more of those test tubes shots—which looked pretty damned cool in the black lights. As I studied the rest of the room, I noticed many more naked guys with the fox-tail thongs and bow-ties lingering here and there.
I turned back to Alucard, shrugging.
He met my eyes, no longer giggling. “They’re wearing bow-ties,” he said in a very serious tone. “And we’re not wearing bow-ties.” He let us digest that epiphany for a moment or two.
Achilles grunted. “I’m not sure if that’s what has my shoulders itching,” he said. “Something is missing but I can’t quite put my finger on it…”
Asterion was rubbing his horns on the back of the couch, moaning to himself. What the hell had been in those test tubes, and why hadn’t I tried one?
Gunnar was whispering something into his voodoo bride’s ear, not even pretending to pay attention to the conversation at our table.
I focused back on Alucard. “Do you think there’s a dress code or something? Why are you so nervous right now?”
Alucard shuddered. “I don’t know. Maybe it’s just the crocodile thing,” he said absently.
“What crocodile thing?” I asked, frowning.
“The bouncer. Definitely a crocodile.”
I thought back, wondering how I had missed that. “The guy with the long nose and sharp teeth?” I asked, frowning.
He nodded. “That’s the one.”
“I’m sure he would have told us…” I said doubtfully.
“You’re probably right,” Alucard finally admitted. “It was just a guess, anyway.”
“You guys want to head down to the stage and look for our next challenge?” I asked. Gunnar and Asterion were preoccupied so Achilles and Alucard joined me as we made our way to the stripper poles. That strange sensation kept nagging at me, but I brushed it off. No one was going to yell at us for not wearing bow-ties.
I waved at them. “We’re right—”
Just then, about a dozen naked women burst into the room from behind Herja and Julian. The naked women wore only crocodile skin cowgirl boots and they glared behind me where I suddenly heard hissing snarls. I spun to find a line of the mostly-naked men in the bow-ties and fox-tail thongs glaring and hissing back at the women in cowboy boots.
“Wait a minute…” I began, scratching my chin. “I think there might actually be a dress code, guys.”
“My wife!” Achilles breathed, staring up at Herja.
“She’s not your wife,” Alucard mumbled. “You idiot.”
“Get out of the way!” Herja shouted at us. “This is the wrong strip club! You were supposed to go to Foxies, not Cockodile Skins, you slobbering idiots!”
Before I could respond, the two lines of strippers attacked each other with us in the middle.
Chapter 14
Achilles snapped his eyes shut and began shadow-boxing in every direction. He clocked one of the women in the nose before he was knocked out of the way by one of the naked men behind us. Alucard tried to extricate himself from one of the male strippers, tearing his shirt clear off in the process. He spun, clocked the male stripper in the face and began shouting down at him. “Give me your bow-tie!”
The stripper blinked a few times before complying. Alucard snapped the elastic bow-tie around his neck and jumped back into the fight, leaving the male stripper on the ground.
I managed to slip out of the mob of screaming strippers to find Herja and Julian fighting a few more of the alleged ‘crocodile’ bouncers, so I left them to it, not wanting to get involved in that web of lies. I began walking around the strip club in search of one of those test tube waiters, but they all seemed busy fighting more of the naked women who had apparently entered the club while I was distracted.
Last Call: A TempleVerse Anthology Book 1 (TempleVerse Anthologies) Page 21