She felt tears clog her throat, and turned away. ‘I’m sorry, Jake. It’s been wonderful, but it ends when I leave. Or now. It’s your choice.’
‘Then come to bed with me,’ he said, his voice rough with emotion. ‘If I’ve only got you for a short while longer, I want to savour every moment.’
He thought it would tear him apart. Making love to her, knowing she was going, knowing he was losing her—It nearly broke him, but he needed to hold her, to love her, to show her without words just how infinitely sweet and precious she was to him.
He’d been a fool, imagining he could win her. She’d been so hurt, so damaged by her life with David and all its tortured twists and turns that it was no surprise she found it hard to trust. But he wouldn’t give up. Somehow he’d find a way to convince her. He had to.
But then a week later, just before his housekeeper was due to return, she told him she’d found a house.
‘Where?’
‘About ten miles away—so I can still come in and see you if I need to for work.’
‘Where is it?’
‘In Reading.’
‘Whereabouts?’
She sighed. ‘Does it matter?’
He wanted to tear his hair out. ‘Yes! Yes, it matters. What’s it like? What’s the area like?’
She wouldn’t look at him, and that worried the hell out of him. ‘Fine.’
He didn’t believe her for a minute.
‘Have you signed?’
‘No. I’m going to see him tomorrow. I looked round it today.’
‘And?’
She swallowed. ‘It’ll be perfectly all right.’
Damn it! He paced across the kitchen, then came back to her. ‘I have an alternative—’
‘I’m not living here, Jake!’
‘Not here. Another house. You remember I said I lived somewhere else while this place was being done? It’s empty. I was going to sell it, put it on the market in the spring. It’s got four bedrooms, it’s detached, the furniture’s reasonable—it needs a clean, the tenant left yesterday, but it’s close to Kate, it’s in a good school catchment area, it’s got a nice garden…Can you have pets in this house you’ve found?’
She sighed. ‘I had to convince the letting agent he was all right. He’s going to talk to the landlord.’
He stopped pacing and leant back against the worktop, his arms folded across his chest. ‘And if he says no?’
She stared at him. ‘Then I try again—Jake, why do you care?’
‘Because I do,’ he said honestly, and to hell with giving her time and not rushing her and letting her learn to trust him, because if she was going to go and live in some vile little house in a horrible area and send her kids to a grotty school, he was damned if he was going to stand back and let her do it. ‘Because I love you, dammit!’ And then his voice softened, his throat clogging. ‘I love you, Amelia, and I can’t make you stay here, but I can still keep you safe, and make you more secure. Take my rental house—I’ll put it in your name, and you can have it. And you can work for me, or not. Your choice. But don’t take your kids to some horrible area and put them in a ghastly school just—’
‘Just what? Just what, Jake? Just because it’s the best I can afford to do? Some of us don’t have your options—’
‘But I’m trying to give you options, and you’re turning them down!’
‘Because they’re not options, Jake. They’re just a honey trap—and I can’t let you do this for us.’
‘Then let me do it for the children. Let me put the house in their names, not yours. Let me give you the freedom to choose whether or not you want me, whether or not you can trust me enough to take my love at face value, and marry me. No strings, no ultimatums. The house is yours. The job is yours. And I’m yours—if you want me. Think about it. I’ll get my solicitor on it in the morning. Let me have their full names.’
And he walked out of the room before he said anything else that might prejudice her against him, because he felt so close to losing her this time, and he didn’t know what he’d do if he couldn’t win her back.
CHAPTER TEN
‘RIGHT, that’s everything. Time to say goodbye. Say thank you to Jake.’
‘I don’t want to say goodbye,’ Kitty wailed, wrapping her arms around his hips and hanging on for dear life.
‘Nor do I,’ Edward said, his chin wobbling, and Jake could understand that. His own chin was less than firm, and he had to clench his teeth to stop himself from saying something stupid, like, Stay.
‘Jake, don’t,’ she said, and for a moment he thought he’d said it out loud, but she was just pre-empting him, her voice little more than a breath, and he nodded understanding.
No. Compliance. Not understanding. He couldn’t understand for the life of him how she could tear herself away from him when it was going to leave him in tatters and he was pretty sure it would do the same for her, and for the children. But it was her choice, her decision, her life.
And she’d chosen to go. He peeled Kitty’s arms away from his hips and lifted her up, hugging her gently and posting her into the car. ‘Take care, sweetheart. Let me know how your new school is.’
She sniffed and nodded, and he kissed her wet little cheek and felt the lump in his throat grow larger. ‘Take care, Tiger,’ he said to Thomas, who just grinned at him, and then he ducked out of the car and turned and Edward was standing there. He dredged up a smile.
‘Hey, sport. You’ll be all right. Let me know about your voice test.’
‘I don’t want to go.’
‘Yes, you do. Nothing might come of it anyway, but you might get a scholarship. You don’t know unless you try. And you wouldn’t have to be a boarder. Give it a go,’ he encouraged, and then, because he could see Edward needed the reassurance, he held out his arms and hugged him.
‘I want to stay here,’ he mumbled into Jake’s chest.
‘I know, but you’ve got your own house now,’ he told him, fighting down the emotion, making himself let go of a boy so like him it could have been him at the same age, with all the same emotional turmoil, the need to do the right thing. And that need was still with him, which was the only reason he could do what he did then, to let the boy go, to unwind his arms and push him gently towards the car and turn away.
To find Amelia there, standing awkwardly, twisting the keys in her hands and biting her lip. As he looked at her, her eyes welled with tears. ‘Jake…I can’t thank you…’
‘Don’t. Just go, if you have to. I can’t do goodbyes.’
She nodded and got into the car, calling Rufus, but he refused to go. He sat down beside Jake and whined, and stupidly, that was the thing that brought tears to his eyes.
He blinked them savagely away, scooped the dog up and put him into the front footwell.
‘Can I ring you?’ Edward asked.
‘Ask your mother. She’s got my number. Take care, now—and good luck.’
He shut the door and stepped back, willing the engine to fail, but it started first turn and she drove away. He watched her until they reached the end of the drive and turned onto the road, and then he went back inside and shut the door.
It was so empty.
The house felt as if the very soul had been ripped out of it, and he wandered, lost, from room to room, the silence echoing with their laughter and tears, the squabbles of the children, the baby’s gurgling laugh, the dog’s sharp, excited bark, Amelia’s warm, sexy chuckle, her teasing glances, the tenderness of her loving.
Gone, all of it, wiped out by her stubborn insistence on being independent.
And, hell, he could understand that. He’d grabbed his independence as soon as he could—as a child first at boarding school, then, with valuable life lessons learned, in senior school, and then in life itself, out there in the real world, cutting himself adrift from parents who’d never stopped bickering for long enough to understand him.
But he’d never walked away from love for fear of being hurt. If he had, he
might never have married Rachel, never have known the joy of having a child, and for all it had been snatched away from him, he wouldn’t have missed a second of it just because it hurt to lose it.
Better to have loved and lost…
But losing Amelia was so unnecessary! He wasn’t like David. She didn’t need to be cautious, because he wouldn’t let them down, he wouldn’t fail them with his lousy judgement or turn his back or walk away. He’d cut his own heart out before he’d hurt them, any of them. Even the damn dog.
He went into the sitting room, his sanctuary, and saw the recording of him singing. He’d never be able to listen to it again without thinking of Edward standing by the fire with the carol singers and filling the house with that sweet, pure sound.
He looked out of the window at the lump of slush on the lawn that was the remains of the snowman. The sprouts lay haphazard in the scarf, the carrot on the ground, and his hat had slid off sideways and was lying in a soggy heap.
They’d had such fun that day. They’d made snow angels as well, and eaten mountains of delicious food, and they’d played with their toys. Kitty had made him a picture with glitter, and then she’d sprinkled it in his hair.
Fairy dust.
And Amelia had found it that night, in bed, and teased him. The night he’d made love to her for the first time. He’d be finding glitter all over the house for months. Years, probably—
‘Jake?’
There was a tap on the door, and it swung in and Kate stood there.
‘Are you all right?’
‘Why shouldn’t I be?’
‘I don’t know. Why don’t you tell me? You look like hell.’
‘Thanks. What can I do for you?’
‘I’ve got George Crosbie on the phone. I’ve been calling your mobile and you haven’t had it switched on. He’s been trying to get you since yesterday.’
‘Sorry. Switch it through to my study, I’ll take it there. On second thoughts, I’ll come over.’
Anything—even George—was better than sitting in the house on his own and listening to the echoes of the children.
He might have to stay over there all night.
‘I hate it here.’
‘It’ll be lovely, Kitty, I promise. We’ll soon make it nice. I’ll get all our things out of store in the next few days, and we’ll get settled in and it’ll be home then.’
‘Rufus isn’t happy. He doesn’t like it.’
He didn’t. He sat by the front door and howled the whole time, as if he was hoping Jake would come. Amelia knew how he felt. She could have sat there and howled herself.
Edward was just quiet, retreating into himself as he’d done when David left. Not even the upcoming voice test in a week’s time seemed to mean anything to him, and Millie didn’t know what to do to help.
Apart from ring Jake and tell him it had all been a big mistake, but how could she? What if it all went wrong again? What if he got bored with the idea of another man’s family? Your own was one thing, somebody else’s was quite another. And David hadn’t even wanted his own, so she didn’t hold out hope for anyone else.
‘Come on, it’s time for bed.’
‘I don’t like my bed. It’s lumpy.’
Hers wasn’t. There wasn’t a lump in it. Nothing so supportive. It was just saggy, saggy and uncomfortable and maybe even slightly damp. And there was a definite musty aroma that came off it, even through the sheets.
But she’d taken the house because the landlord hadn’t demanded a huge deposit or dozens of references, he hadn’t minded about the dog, and it was in budget. Just. She wanted to put by a good chunk of her money every month, just in case—
That was going to be carved on her headstone. ‘Here lies Amelia Jones—Just In Case.’
‘Come on, school tomorrow,’ she said brightly. ‘You need to get to bed.’
‘I don’t like the new school,’ Edward said. ‘I asked about a choir and they laughed.’
Oh, no. How much worse could it get?
‘Heard anything from Amelia?’
‘Yes. She says they’re fine. She’s done lots of work for you.’
‘Yes. She’s good.’ Missing, but good. And how he missed her. Missed them all. ‘Any news of Edward’s voice test?’
She sighed and sat back on the sofa and met his eyes. ‘Why don’t you just ring them?’
‘Because it’s none of my business.’
She propped her elbows on her knees and planted her chin in her hands. ‘You’re in love with her, aren’t you?’
‘Do I pay you for this?’
‘Yes. I’m your personal assistant—and, just now, I think you need a little personal assistance, so, yes, you do.’
He grunted. ‘I could do with another coffee, if you want to assist me,’ he said bluntly, flicking open a file and scanning the contents.
‘He doesn’t want to go.’
‘What?’
‘Edward. He doesn’t want to go to the voice test.’
Jake shut the file and stared at her searchingly. ‘Why not?’
She shrugged. ‘He wouldn’t say, apparently. Just announced that he wasn’t going, it was rubbish and he didn’t want to sing any more, and that was it.’
‘Well, maybe he doesn’t,’ he said slowly, although he didn’t believe it for a moment. He’d been really fired up, keen to go, keen to find out all he could, and he’d been really excited when the invitation to attend the test had come through so quickly. So why—?
‘I’m going to see her on Sunday. Any message?’
He slammed the door on temptation. ‘No. She knows where to find me.’
‘You give up easily.’
‘No, I don’t. But I’m not going to hound her. I gave her the choice, and she went. Her decision. I’m not going to beg.’
‘I didn’t ask you to beg, just not to give up—’
‘Oh, for God’s sake, Kate, I poured out my heart to her, told her things I’ve never told another soul! And she walked away. What else do you expect me to do?’ he raged, jackknifing to his feet and slamming his hand so hard against the window frame that the wood bit into the skin.
‘Jake?’ Kate’s voice was tentative, her hand gentle on his shoulder. ‘I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to pry. But I can see you’re unhappy, and…well, she is, too.’
He stared down the long walk, remembering the children running about having fun, throwing snowballs. ‘There’s nothing I can do about that. I haven’t got the right or the power to do anything about that. Did she tell you I offered her the house in the village?’
‘No. Could she afford it? I thought her rent budget was lower than that.’
‘No—I mean, I offered to give it to her. Said I’d put it in her name. She said no, so I told her to give me the names of the children so I could put it in their names, and she refused. I thought—if she had a house, if she had independence—’
‘But it wouldn’t be, would it? It would be like being a concubine. Maybe you should have offered to marry her.’
He turned his head and met her eyes. ‘I did. She said no.’
Kate’s jaw dropped, and he pushed it up with his finger and smiled tiredly. ‘Leave it now. I can’t do this any more. I’ve told her I love her, I’ve asked her to marry me, I’ve offered her a house, I’ve given her a job—and the only thing she’s taken is the job, which is her escape route from me. So I’ve taken the hint,’ he said, his voice cracking. He cleared his throat. ‘Right, I’ve done enough today, I’m going home. I’ll see you on Monday.’
And he walked out of the office without a backward glance, went over to the house, shut the door of his sitting room, dropped into the sofa with a hefty glass of malt whisky and dedicated the next five hours to drowning his sorrows.
It didn’t work.
‘Jake looks awful.’
‘Does he?’
‘Yes—much like you. He told me he asked you to marry him and you said no. And he said you refused the house.’
‘He
talks too much,’ she said tightly, closing the kitchen door so the children couldn’t hear, and Kate laughed.
‘I don’t think so. Are you crazy? If a man like that asked me to marry him, I’d say yes like a shot.’
‘What—because he’s rich? It’s meaningless.’
‘No—because he’s nice, Millie. He’s a lovely guy. I can’t understand why he’s never been married before—although, come to think of it, he’s never said that,’ she went on thoughtfully. ‘I wonder if he’s divorced?’
‘Don’t ask me,’ Amelia said, ignoring Kate’s searching look, so Kate gave up and leant back against the worktop, her coffee cradled in her hands.
‘He seemed shocked that Edward didn’t want to do his voice test.’
Oh, hell. ‘And how did he know that?’
‘I told him.’
Millie sighed abruptly and stared at Kate in frustration. ‘Do you and Jake do nothing at work except talk about me?’
‘Oh, we fit in the odd bit—the occasional company takeover, a little asset-stripping, pruning out the dead wood, rolling the stock market dice—’
‘Stop it! I don’t want to hear it!’
Kate sighed. ‘Millie, he’s not like David. He doesn’t do that. Yes, he buys companies, but he’s considered, thoughtful, and he takes risks, sure, but only calculated ones—and here’s the difference, he has a better calculator than David. He knows what he’s doing, and he doesn’t hurt innocent people along the way. If he did, I wouldn’t work for him.’
No, she wouldn’t, Amelia thought, staring down the bleak, scruffy little garden at the back of the house. Kate was too intrinsically decent to work for someone who wasn’t. But that didn’t mean that he was a safe bet personally. Maybe he was just lonely and thought they’d do to fill the gap in his life left by Rachel and Ben. Maybe he thought he could turn Edward into the son he’d lost, the son who could never grow up.
And her boy didn’t deserve to be anybody’s substitute. Even if that person was his hero—
Their Christmas Family Miracle Page 14