by Fiona Murphy
“I’m sorry, Paul.” The words sounded small in the dark.
“Yeah, it wasn’t easy, but just a year later Dad was dead too. Doctors said heart failure. I think he was lost without her.”
“That’s so sad.”
“Don’t cry. Jim and I were relieved when it was over. Sure, we missed them, but it was always more about them than us. My mom was always there but not, always wondering where my dad was and who he was with.
“Anyway, I wondered—you never mention your parents except that first day. You sounded a little bitter about your mom. Do you two not speak?”
“Did I? Probably, doesn’t really surprise me. No, she died after I went into college. She committed suicide. I couldn’t believe it. That woman rammed religion and Bible verses down my throat on a daily basis, and then because I went off to college and she had done her duty by raising me to an adult, her job was complete.”
“Laura, fuck,” he said, exhaling.
“I know, that’s pretty much how I felt. I was so pissed off at her. Then I figured out that it was because she was a lesbian and I think she just couldn’t hide it anymore. Maybe she felt like that was more of a sin or something. I’m not positive, but the way she went on and on about sex being a sin and not to be enjoyed and how it was for procreation only... When my dad died, when I was twelve, she didn’t seem sad at all, just relieved. They had separate bedrooms—well, actually, she slept in the guest bedroom on the few nights he was there.”
“Your dad died when you were twelve?”
“Yes, but not to sound cold, I didn’t really miss him. He was a pilot and he was never there. There weren’t any father and daughter moments when he was. He was always in his recliner drinking. When he was away there were times I actually forgot what he looked like. When he died, my mom wiped the house clean. She let me keep a few pictures, but they had to stay in my room. I think he knew about her and was just as miserable as she was—and she was utterly miserable. This sounds crazy, but I don’t remember her ever smiling, not once.
“On and on she would say this or that was a duty, not for pleasure, nothing was ever to be done for fun. She homeschooled me to prevent me from being taught by heathens and those who weren’t Christian enough. When I was sixteen, I just couldn’t take it anymore. The day in and day out of being stuck with her... I had next to no friends because she didn’t want people in the house. I just went and enrolled in the local high school and told her I was going. That fight was probably the only time she ever raised her voice. Everything she did was quiet and contained, even when she was angry or sad. The only time she ever showed emotion was when her dad died, and she cried a little, but that was it.
“Her voice became this constant droning. Every day I went to school she went on and on about how men would only want me for sex and to use me and not to let them touch me. There was no chance of that—the clothes she made me wear were so awful that no one could figure out I had a body that they would want. Sure, I was pretty, but I was ignored because I was the weird homeschooled kid. Then, if that weren’t bad enough, she would just show up randomly to make sure I was in school. It was almost as bad as being at home with her all day. I graduated and managed to get in at DePaul even though I was so done with religion. She had force-fed me until I was nauseous, but she refused to pay for anything but a religious school.
“I gave in just to get away from her. She loaded me and a U-Haul up and drove me down to Chicago from Milwaukee. School started, she made sure I was settled in, and three months later she overdosed. Left a note, a will, everything was tied up in a bow, and I just couldn’t believe she did all of that. She even timed it over winter break, so I could take care of everything and go back to school without losing any time.
“It didn’t make sense until our neighbor came over. That poor woman was so broken up. There was something there between them. It wasn’t just her neighbor and friend dying. For some crazy reason, it all clicked then.”
“I’m sorry, sweetheart.” His hands ran through her hair.
“I wasn’t sorry. I was relieved, after I stopped being angry at her. She was a miserable woman. She couldn’t be who she wanted to be because of what her religion told her, so she made everyone else around her miserable. I think there was finally a release from that misery when she ended her life.”
“Does it matter to you that she was a lesbian?”
“No, I don’t think being gay is really a choice, and if it were, would someone really choose a harder life? Thankfully, people are evolving on the issue, but there are still prejudiced dicks out there. Being gay is still harder than being straight, and if it is a choice, so what? People choose to be assholes every day and no one hassles them.”
“I love that argument. That’s how my brother Jim felt.”
“Your brother’s gay?”
“Yeah, he tried to do the straight thing, bury it all. That’s how he got Cayce, but it just couldn’t go on. Thankfully, Cayce’s mom, Stacy, is a good woman, and she was amazing about it all. Their divorce was easy, visitation no problems. She even turned down a job in California because she didn’t want Cayce growing up without her dad.”
“So how did you feel about finding out your brother was gay?”
She felt him shrug. “I figured it out when I was a kid. Like I mentioned, he was five years older, and me being an annoying little brother kind of at a loss with parents more interested in themselves, I was his shadow. He wasn’t able to do much without me tagging along. I was embarrassed that he wasn’t like the other kids at first, but then it didn’t matter. When I was a kid I was really nerdy, into the fantasy and science fiction thing, so I was kind of embarrassing, I realized, and it didn’t bother him. So even then it was just a part of who he was, and I was just thankful to have him there. He never actually came out and said anything about it. Then when he got married in college it surprised me, and I thought, well, maybe I was wrong.”
“Did your parents ever say anything?”
“No, but I think they wondered too. They were so happy when he got married. It was one of the few times they behaved themselves in public. Jim and Stacy had actually split when Mom was going through the breast cancer thing, but they didn’t say anything. Stacy was great—she flew out with him and Cayce for Dad’s funeral, and they told me then. I told him I’d figured it out a long time ago and it didn’t matter, he was my brother and I loved him. Stacy was more relieved then he was—now that it was just the two of us, she was glad it didn’t matter to me.”
“That’s so great of her. It couldn’t have been easy.”
“She swears she kind of had doubts, especially when Jim did more of the wedding planning than she did.”
Laura laughed. “At least she didn’t let herself get caught up in all the bad.”
“The same could be said about you. I’m still finding it hard to believe with all of that you managed to have two boyfriends, let alone one.”
“Scott was persistent. He was just my friend, and he was always reassuring me, but I found out when I went back to settle everything that he told everyone we were boyfriend and girlfriend. I did like him, he was sweet and I was mad at my mom, and so that night after her funeral I just kind of threw myself at him. It was horrible, but I was sure it was all my fault and it would get better. He would come down every other weekend, but it never did, and finally I couldn’t take it anymore. Plus, he was really clingy and telling me college wasn’t a big deal and I didn’t need it. But he lived at home with his parents and worked at a local big-box store. I didn’t know what I wanted, but it wasn’t that life.
“April was my dorm roommate and she sat me down, handed me a brand-new vibrator, and told me to break up with him. And I did.”
“Now that is a good best friend.” Paul snuggled her closer, and she was thankful for the dark, because she couldn’t hide how much she felt for him in that moment.
“Yep, she’s a good friend. She kind of picked me up and dusted me off after my mom. I was shocked�
��her father was a fire-breathing preacher, and she let it all run through one ear and out the other. Her parents were actually proud that she was so open to everything, and she didn’t take her father’s word as to what the world was. She wanted to explore it all. I had the oddest girl crush on her. You are such a guy, I feel you getting hard, and it wasn’t like that. I was just in awe of her. She was exactly who she wanted to be, and she had a kind of fuck-off attitude. I wanted to be like that so badly.” To torture him, she rubbed against him and laughed.
“Okay, I deserved that, but if you move again I’ll make you pay for it,” he said.
“Hmm, it feels like you’re paying for it. Let me help you.” She tried to turn in his arms, but he held her fast.
“No. If you can’t come then neither can I. You are too sore. This is the price I have to pay for not taking care of you.”
“Paul, I don’t mind.” His only answer was his arms tightening around her, and she melted into him.
“Sleep, sweetheart. If you want to help me, then sleep.” Far easier than she thought with the feel of Paul around her, she did.
***
When it happened a month later, she should have seen it coming, but she didn’t. That weekend after he came back from New York, he hadn’t let her go home until Sunday night. She hadn’t exactly asked about going home, but he told her and she only nodded in agreement. After that, Friday night until Monday, he wanted her at his place. He’d picked her up and she packed a bag, and between her leaving things behind and him buying her things he liked, she had space in his closet. Laura didn’t allow herself to think about what it meant, too scared to read more into the things he did and said. Even when he told her to invite April and Tina and their boyfriends for dinner, she’d agreed and tried not to hyperventilate.
When he invited friends over and made it clear she was with him, she could only smile widely and cling to him. Then she got nervous she was being too clingy. Paul had liked it, though, and when she tried to give him room, he’d pulled her closer. Warning a friend from getting close to her had made her stomach somersault and her pussy wet. After everyone had left, he’d pulled her onto him and fucked her roughly for the first time since that weekend, and she’d been so relieved. That night he was gentler, but he took her twice more, and she’d loved it and told him so.
So when he set the bottle of wine down for them and poured and told her that he wanted her to move in, she shouldn’t have been shocked, but she was.
Laura went still, scared to move, scared to speak.
“It just makes sense. I want you here all the time and you want to be too. So why don’t you just move in?”
She was waiting, still waiting for him to say the words she needed so badly, but he was just staring at her. Setting the glass down with a clink, she looked down at her hands, now clasped together, and prayed her voice wouldn’t tremble. “I do want to be with you and I like being here with you, but I need some time to think about this.”
His jaw clenched and he practically growled, “What the hell is there to think about?”
Flinching, she bit her tongue and then exhaled. “When I moved in with Jeff, he said it was because it made sense. It was supposed to be for us to save for the wedding. It was the smart thing to do. Three years later and a week before a wedding ceremony that was going to be done downstairs in the freaking basement just so he could shut me up, I found him in bed with someone else. I found out then he only asked me to marry him because he knew I wouldn’t have sex with him until he made a commitment.
“I don’t want to do something because it makes sense or it’s convenient. I need to know it’s the right thing for me. Please give me some time to think about it. I’m sorry that’s not what you want to hear, and I know it’s probably farther than where you thought we would get when this started, but I need time.”
“Fine, take all the damn time you need.” He was up from the table, and when she heard the door slam behind him she gave in to the tears.
Chapter Six
A week later, she was late and knew the girls would be annoyed. Her excuse wouldn’t be good enough, she knew. Paul had taken one look at the dress she was dressed to go out and meet the girls in, torn it from her body, and fucked her hard against the wall. It didn’t matter that it had taken her almost an hour to get dressed and ready and that the dress wasn’t all that eye-catching—at least, she didn’t think so. It was a basic black that went down to her knees, but he’d hated the bustier top half, even though lace covered her breasts and up to her neck. After he’d finally let her go, she’d tried again with a long black maxi dress that covered her and was loose and he’d been satisfied. Then he’d checked to make sure she was wearing panties. The thin, silky lace had turned him on, and he’d bent her over the back of the couch. She’d been helpless with need.
She didn’t dare stop him—since he’d asked her to move in, he’d been greedier for her time and attention. He hadn’t brought it up again, and when he came back it had been obvious he was grateful she was still there and hadn’t left. He’d apologized and told her of course if she needed time she would get it. Then he’d fucked her long and hard for an hour.
Laura had been taking it one day at a time, not daring to ask for what she needed, what she was sure he wasn’t ready to give her. It felt like she was melting into him—not just his body, but his life and him. It was terrifying how often she’d wanted to whisper her love, and she knew she had to be careful. Laura hated to admit it, but even though she trusted him with her body, she knew she couldn’t trust him with her heart, not yet.
As she hailed a cab, she smiled, as she knew she’d be coming back tonight, and felt bad for wondering how soon she could come back to Paul.
Tina was shaking her head as Laura walked up to their table with a sheepish expression on her face. “That man is a genius. He sends you out looking like you’ve already been very thoroughly and satisfyingly fucked so all the guys can just keep walking.”
Laura couldn’t help it. She blushed and buried her face in her hands. “I’m sorry, okay? Please don’t be so mean.”
“She isn’t being mean, sweetie, she’s being honest,” April said. “I’m not even going to ask how things are going, because it’s obvious they are going very well.”
“Fuck that, I’m asking,” Tina said. “How’s it going?”
Laura smiled and then, without any warning, she burst into tears.
“Oh shit, you didn’t. Damn it, you weren’t supposed to fall in love with him,” Tina said as she grabbed napkins and stuffed them into Laura’s hands.
“Oh, dear, I’m so sorry, Laura,” April said. “I didn’t think that would happen.”
That got through to her, and Laura wanted to smack April. “Are you insane? How could you not think that might happen? He’s gorgeous, kind, scary smart, and he doesn’t treat me like a damn blow-up doll. You want to know why Kelly isn’t mousy any longer? It’s because he listens to you, asks you questions, draws out your opinion on business, and if he likes it, he’ll actually do it. He pushes you to learn more and think for yourself when it comes to business, not just what you think he wants to hear. He doesn’t just take from you—he gives back. Then there’s the ‘body of a Greek god’ thing and that he can make me come without even being inside me or touching my clit. I have no idea how he does that, but oh my God, how could you not see this coming?”
Tina looked up at April. “This is all your fault.”
“My fault? You were the one who practically blackmailed me into telling her about the job. No way, this is all your fault.”
A short squabble broke out before Laura couldn’t listen anymore. “It’s nobody’s fault. If it’s anyone’s fault it’s mine. I should have known better that very first week it started. He was commanding and very demanding, but he was also so gentle and sweet at times.”
“Are you sure it’s love?” Tina asked. “Maybe it’s just the really amazing sex. Look at me and Tyrone—I would have sworn on a stack of
Bibles the first year that it was love. Five years later and I’ve finally kicked his ass out and changed the locks this time. Good sex fries the brain. It’s chemical and shit; I read about it on the internet. I mean, it’s only been about six months. It’s really easy to be dickmatized in those first few months.”
Shaking her head, Laura laughed as she wiped away her tears. “I’m sorry about you and Tyrone, even though we all knew that was way overdue. I am not dickmatized. It would be nice if that was all it was. I know it’s love, I just do, all the way down to my bone marrow. Jeff, I can see it now, that wasn’t love. That was longing not to be alone and a desire to be in love. This is completely different.
“I’m sorry to bring you guys down. I didn’t mean to. I had no idea I was going to cry like that.”
“I’m sorry too,” April said. “Hey, who’s to say there’s anything to cry about? So he’s a little gun shy after one bad experience—who hasn’t been? If he’s as smart as you say he is, then he’s going to figure out that letting one bad experience prevent him from being happy with you is stupid. Don’t forget that’s he’s asked you to move in with him. That has to mean something.” April patted her arm, and Laura sniffed and nodded.
“You’re right, it’s early still. Okay, enough about me. So when did you kick out Tyrone? How did I miss that?”
“Hmm, maybe because you’re at Paul’s place more than your own lately.” Tina laughed.
The next few hours were a balm to her nerves. April and Tina were both positive she just had to hang in and give Paul more time.
***
With an eye on her watch, Laura unlocked the door. It was late, a little after midnight. Laura was hoping she could slip into bed. She had a feeling Paul wouldn’t like her out so late.
She was right. Paul was on the couch with the television on, but it was obvious he wasn’t interested in what was on. He wore only loose sweats, his chest bare. His arms were crossed as she came toward him, his face hard.