by Lane, Shawn;
“Dude, what are you a caveman?” Jimmy exclaimed, backing away.
Barnaby frowned. “What’s wrong?”
“We’re leaving.” He pulled his boyfriend off the dance floor and away from his group of gaping friends. Nathan was glad they’d come in a separate car from Travis and Darrell. He threw money down on their booth and continued walking with Barnaby toward the entrance.
“Nathan, what the hell is wrong with you?”
He ignored him until they were outside of the club and heading to his car. He then released Barnaby’s arm. “As I said, we’re leaving.”
“But why? Weren’t you having a good time?”
“No, I wasn’t having a good time watching my boyfriend let guys feel him up and kiss and practically fuck him on the dance floor.”
Barnaby stared at him. “I-I wasn’t doing that. They’re just friends, Nathan.”
“Right. Funny, none of my friends try to give me hickies.” His cell phone rang and he glanced at it to see it was Travis. He answered. “I’ll call you later. Sorry, but we’re leaving. Yeah, I know. I’ll tell him.”
“Tell me what?” Barnaby asked as he ended the call.
“I’ve had too much to drink. You should drive.”
Barnaby nodded. “Okay. Let’s go.”
Nathan was glad Barnaby didn’t say anything on the drive to his house. He was fuming mad and the alcohol was fogging his brain a bit. He was pretty sure any conversation he made right now wouldn’t make a lot of sense.
By the time they made it back to his house, Nathan felt like a gigantic ass and he was not proud of his Neanderthal behavior. He didn’t like himself like this at all.
When they got inside his house, Nathan turned to Barnaby. “We need to talk.”
“I agree.”
He led Barnaby into the living room and sat on the couch, pulling Barnaby down with him. “First, I want to apologize for my behavior. I was an ass. I’m sorry. Did I hurt you?”
“No.”
Relief washed over him. He would never ever hurt Barnaby and he would have hated himself more than he already did if he did so even accidentally. He exhaled.
“Those guys were nothing. Just friends, Nathan.”
He nodded. For a moment he just stared at Barnaby. He was so damn beautiful with his red silk shirt and leather pants. His full lips glossed a delicate mauve. Barnaby was so gorgeous he could have had any guy at the club. Hell, he’d seen them all panting after him. What in the world was Barnaby doing with him?
“I’ve never even had sex with any of them. Ever.” Barnaby’s eyes were pleading with him to believe him.
Nathan swallowed. “Barnaby, I don’t think this is going to work.”
“What?”
“You and me.”
Barnaby shook his head. “That’s crazy. We just had a bad night. A misunderstanding.”
“Tonight was bad. I don’t like how jealous I got. You say those guys were just friends but they were all over you and you didn’t stop them. I know that’s part of your personality, but I don’t like it.”
“Well, okay, I won’t let it happen again.”
“But that’s how you are. You flirt and you’re affectionate and adorable and everyone loves you. Why should you have to change?”
“Because it bothers you.”
Nathan sighed. “Maybe if tonight was all I had a problem with, I’d agree. It’s more than that.”
“I don’t understand.” Barnaby tugged his bottom lip with his teeth.
“We’re not compatible. I know you don’t really believe that, but it’s true. We’re too different. You like clubbing and your friends and I like quiet nights at home. You’ll be bored with me in six months. I watched my parents go through a terrible marriage and then a divorce because they were so different. I don’t want that to happen with us.”
Barnaby shook his head. “But it won’t. You think we’re not compatible. That’s not true. We’ve gotten along fine. Great, in fact.”
“Yes,” he agreed. “Right now we’re both really attracted to each other and the sex is fantastic.”
“It’s more than just good sex.”
He forced the words out, “I don’t think it is.”
The excruciating hurt he saw in those blue-gray eyes cut him. Nathan wanted to take the words back, but wouldn’t it be better to end it now than months from now when Barnaby realized he didn’t really love dull Nathan?
“I can change,” Barnaby whispered. “I did before. You know, with the clothes and I took off the makeup. I can do that all again and be more like you.”
His heart twisted, guessing now that the change in Barnaby’s appearance had been for him. He felt like a big prick for what he was doing. He was a damn coward and he knew it. But the more time he spent around Barnaby the harder it would be later when his heart was broken.
“It would be fake, Barnaby. You’d do all that and it wouldn’t make any difference to who you really are. You’d still be—”
“Still be what?”
“Too much.”
Barnaby gasped, such a quiet little catch in his throat he almost didn’t hear it. Nathan loathed himself.
His lover stood up suddenly and turned away from him. “I’m just going to go.”
Nathan opened his mouth to say something, but he couldn’t find the words to take it back and Barnaby had already practically run for the front door. He got up from the couch and went to the door. The younger man had already made it to his car and he wanted to call him back.
This is what you want, right?
He was an idiot. He knew it the minute he watched Barnaby drive away without stopping him. He was in love with Barnaby and he’d just sent him away.
Chapter 11
The last place Barnaby wanted to go to was his dumpy apartment. He couldn’t face it. Couldn’t face anything really. He just wanted to disappear.
He kept driving, getting as far away from Nathan as he could. He couldn’t believe he’d been so wrong. So stupid. He’d thought…well it didn’t matter what he thought. Nathan didn’t love him and didn’t want to be with him.
Barnaby realized he had driven to Calvin’s house. Knowing the hours his brother kept at the hospital, he might not even be home, but he parked, got out and hurried to his brother’s front door. If he managed to catch Calvin home, he hoped his brother didn’t have a guy over.
He knocked, waiting, his heart pounding. He didn’t know what he would do if Calvin didn’t answer.
The door opened a crack and then wider. “Barnaby?”
He nodded, feeling the tears he’d desperately tried to keep at bay, pouring from his eyes.
“What’s wrong?” Calvin pulled him into his arms and closed the door.
Barnaby shook his head, burying his face in his brother’s shoulder. His breath shook as he tried to get the words out. “Nathan dumped me.”
Calvin’s arms tightened around him. “Ah, B. I’m sorry.”
“Can I stay here tonight?”
“Of course you can. The spare room’s already set up. I’ll make us some tea and we can talk, okay?”
Barnaby pulled away from his brother with a nod, and his brother took his hand and led him to his big leather couch in the living room and pushed him down.
“I’ll be right back. Are you going to be all right for a minute?”
His throat clogged, he just nodded.
Calvin crouched down in front of him and took his hands in his. “He’s an idiot, B.”
“Maybe.”
“I know he is. I’ll bring your tea.” Calvin stood and went into the kitchen.
Barnaby closed his eyes and rested his head on the back of the couch. Maybe he’d drifted apart from Calvin, but he’d known he could count on his brother. At least someone cared about him.
Calvin came back with two mugs of tea he set on the coffee table and then he sat on the couch next to Barnaby and waited.
“He said we were too different.”
“I see
.”
“I guess I was stupid. We went to a club tonight. I knew he didn’t really want to go, but he’d had a bad week at work and I thought maybe going out would loosen him up, and Travis and Darrell agreed to go, too, so you know I thought it would be okay.”
“It wasn’t?”
“No. He was grouchy and didn’t want to dance. I danced with some other guys and he got mad and we left. He said his parents got a divorce because of differences and he didn’t want to go through that.”
“And you tried the things I suggested?”
Barnaby snorted. “Yeah, he didn’t care about any of that. He said I was…too much.”
“What does he know?”
“You’ve said that yourself.”
Calvin nodded and touched his cheek. “I’m your brother. I can say what I want. He can’t. You’re the best thing that ever happened to him and he’s just an ass.”
“I love him, though.”
His brother squeezed his hand. “I know.”
Barnaby closed his eyes. “I’m going to end up an old maid.”
“I don’t think guys can be old maids.”
He looked at Calvin. “Well, but you know what I mean. I’m going to be alone forever.”
“I don’t believe that. Maybe Nathan wasn’t the guy for you, but I know he’s out there and you’ll find him.”
He blinked his tears back. “Thanks, Calvin. That means a lot.”
“Drink your tea. Are you hungry? I could make you something. I’ve got cauliflower.”
“No, but I am tired. I don’t think I can face going to work on Monday.”
Calvin nodded. “So don’t. Spend a few days here. I’ll be working most of the time anyway.”
* * * *
Nathan pressed the auto dial for Barnaby’s cell one more time. He’d been calling it all day. Really, since the night before when he’d driven away.
Barnaby wasn’t answering his home phone either and a short while ago, he’d gone to the man’s apartment. There’d been no sign Barnaby had ever gone home.
He was sick to his stomach. What if he couldn’t ever reach Barnaby? But that was stupid. His lover was out there, probably just ignoring him.
He punched Travis’s number. “I still don’t know where he is,” Travis answered.
He groaned in frustration. “What about Darrell?”
“He doesn’t know either. Give it some time, Nathan.”
“I’m such a jerk.”
Travis sighed. “Yeah.”
“Thanks, friend.”
“You know you screwed up. Do you expect me to say otherwise? Look, you need to figure this out. Do you want to be with Barnaby or not?”
Nathan lay down on his bed and stared up at the ceiling. He’d thought about little else since sending Barnaby away. Some things hadn’t changed. They were different. But was that so terrible?
“Nathan? Did I lose you?”
He swallowed. “No. I’m here. I just hope I haven’t lost Barnaby.”
“So you’ve changed your mind?”
“I just think I didn’t know what I wanted before. I don’t know what I was thinking.”
“Do you love him?”
“Yes. I only hope it’s enough.”
“Life is full of risks, Nathan. Yeah, you have differences. You have to decide if the risks outweigh the possibility of heartbreak. I have to go. Talk to you later.”
Nathan tossed the cell on the bedside table. He’d fucked up badly.
Barnaby.
Nathan didn’t like to take risks in relationships, but for Barnaby…only for him.
* * * *
Monday morning Barnaby left Travis a message saying he hadn’t been feeling well all weekend and was staying with his brother.
He’d spent most of his time while Calvin was at the hospital in bed. He’d cried a lot of tears over Nathan and hoped they’d dried at least temporarily
Barnaby had a decision to make about his job. He didn’t know if he could continue to work at the firm now. He didn’t want to see the man who broke his heart every day.
In the afternoon he finally took a shower. He hadn’t gone back to his apartment so he’d been wearing some of Calvin’s things. They wore the same size even if they didn’t always wear the same style.
Since he didn’t intend to go anywhere, he just put on flannel pajama bottoms with some expensive label, he noticed, and a white designer T-shirt. Who but Calvin would buy those?
He was in the kitchen fixing himself his fifth cup of green tea when the doorbell rang.
Shoot.
Barnaby put down the teakettle and walked out to the front entry hall. Probably some religious missionary or something. He peered out of the peephole but he couldn’t see anything. He stood on tiptoes and looked again, but all he could see was the back of someone’s dark hair.
Frowning, he opened the door and said, “I’m not—”
The man turned around and it was Nathan holding a red wallet folder. His lips curved up just the tiniest bit.
Déjà vu.
Barnaby couldn’t believe Nathan was here, holding a file, just like he had done all those weeks ago when Nathan was sick.
“What are you doing here?” Just the sight of Nathan had his chest hurting. He took a step back.
“I heard you were sick and needed this file.” Nathan held up the folder. “Kind of lame, I know. I just thought…can I come in? Please?”
“No.” He went to close the door and Nathan’s foot stopped him.
“Barnaby, please.”
He bit his lip, released the door, and turned away. “Fine. But what do you want? I don’t think there’s anything else to say.”
Nathan walked in and closed the front door. He set the file down on a table in the entry hall. “I love you.”
Barnaby gasped and faced him. “What?”
“I had to say that before anything else. Over the last few days I’ve realized I’m in love with you. I’m just a big jerk and I’m sorry I hurt you and sorry I was such a prick.” Nathan took a step toward him. “I’ve been trying to find you since you left.”
“I didn’t go home.”
“I know.” Nathan looked miserable. “And I didn’t know how to get in touch with your brother either. I was so damn worried about you. But today when you called in, you told Travis you were here. He had Calvin’s number from your emergency contacts, so I took a chance and called him.”
“Calvin told you where I was?” He was both surprised Nathan had gone to the trouble and that Calvin had told Nathan where Barnaby was.
“I guess I made my desperation clear,” Nathan said. “I’m the biggest ass on earth, and I’m sorrier than I can say about the other night.”
A tiny spark of hope had his heart racing, but he tried to ignore it. The pain of Nathan’s rejection was still so raw. “We’re still different, aren’t we?”
Nathan was now close enough to touch him. His hand rose as though he intended to, but it dropped again. “Yes. But, I don’t think that matters.”
“You thought so before.” He turned away, not sure he could forgive and forget. Maybe Nathan had been right and they didn’t have a future.
Nathan did touch him then. His reached for Barnaby’s hand and turned him back to face him. His thumb brushed the top of Barnaby’s hand.
“I did because I was afraid. I’ve seen other relationships fail and I’ve even had a taste of that myself in the past. I didn’t think I could take the chance with you.”
Barnaby searched his gaze, hoping he would see what he desperately wanted to see. “And now?”
“You’re worth any risk. We’re different, but that doesn’t mean we can’t make compromises and learn to trust each other. I meant what I said, Barnaby. I love you.”
“Are you sure that’s enough?”
Nathan exhaled slowly and curved his fingers around Barnaby’s palm. “I hope so. And I think, maybe, you love me, too. I’ve been praying you do.”
He smiled
for the first time in days. The dark eyes behind Nathan’s thick glasses showed him Nathan spoke the truth. “Yes, Nathan. I love you.”
Nathan pulled him against him, wrapping his arms around him. “Thank God.”
Barnaby brought Nathan’s lips to his in a deep kiss.
“You forgive me?” Nathan asked, breaking the kiss and squeezing him tight. “Please say I haven’t fucked everything up for good.”
“You haven’t,” Barnaby assured him.
“Great. Come home with me.”
“Don’t you have to work?”
“I’m taking a few days off. And so are you. I cleared it with Travis. I’m going to spend days trying to make it up to you.”
Barnaby grinned. “I gotta say I like the sound of that.”
* * * *
Barnaby fidgeted next to him. He kept twisting and untwisting his hands and shifted in the passenger seat. Then he’d tap his long fingers on the car door.
“Relax,” Nathan said.
“How can I? I’ve never introduced any guy to my grandmother before.”
“Good. I love the sound of that.”
“I hope she likes you.”
Nathan frowned as he parked in front of the two-story house that reminded him somewhat of a gingerbread house. “What’s not to like?”
“Well, I love you, of course, but you know. This is all new. Neither Calvin nor I have brought a guy here at all, let alone on her birthday.”
“I get it, I get it.” Nathan got out of the car and so did Barnaby. He reached in for the birthday gift bag they brought with him. “What happens if she doesn’t like me?”
“I guess I’ll have to dump you.”
“What?”
Barnaby smiled and threaded his fingers with Nathan’s. “I’m kidding. I’m not worried.”
They approached the house and the door burst open to reveal a thin, short old woman with her gray hair worn in a bun on the very top of her head and big thick glasses that kind of reminded him of his own.
“Cool glasses,” Nathan said.
Barnaby’s grandmother laughed. “You, too. So, you are Nathan.”
“Yes, ma’am. And you are…um…Barnaby’s grandmother.” He realized he didn’t know her name.
“You can call me Kay.” She turned to Barnaby and hugged the stuffing out of him and then ruffled his hair. “Go inside and don’t touch the cake.”