I looked at her and pictured her naked in bed with Allerton. I thought of Allerton’s insane bond mate and how I would never be able to look at the man himself and think of him being charitable and good, only empty and driven, filling his hours with Council business and an ever-expanding parade of mistresses.
“I’m sorry. I’m not hungry,” I whispered.
Murphy had managed to eat maybe half a slice of roast beef and three or four mouthfuls of mashed potatoes. He’d crumbled a piece of bread onto his plate and he was on his fourth glass of wine.
His pale cheeks had taken on a low, alcoholic flush but his eyes were clear and miserable, not clouded by wine at all. He looked at me then looked away.
“Can I see him tonight? I’d like to go back to Boston. I’m not comfortable here in Connecticut anymore. It’s not my home.”
“You can see him tonight,” Allerton told me, “but I’m not sure you’ll be able to leave tomorrow. It’s snowing now and the roads are unsafe. I’d prefer it if you and Liam would stay here for a few more days.” His blue eyes bored into mine. “There’s also the matter of settling Tobias Green. Have you made a decision regarding your role in that yet?”
Murphy stopped reaching for the wine bottle, his hand arrested in midair. Kathy Manning smiled at me again and I couldn’t tell if she meant to offer empathy and encouragement or was some sort of fucking ghoul.
“I want to talk to him first,” I said carefully.
“What do you mean settle him?” Murphy sounded pretty convinced he knew damn well what it meant.
“Exactly what you’re thinking, Liam,” said Allerton in a glacially smooth tone. “You surely didn’t think he was going to Florida, did you?”
“No, I figured he’d be going to hell, but not that she’d be the one sending him there.” Murphy’s eyes narrowed. “How can you even ask her to do such a thing, Councilor? Can you not see how all of this is affecting her and now you want her to kill the old man on top of it? How are you going to have her do it?”
“In a civilized cup of hot chocolate,” I said before Allerton could say anything. “Grandfather Tobias and I always drank hot chocolate together on winter afternoons when I visited him. It’s tradition.” I flashed him what I hoped was an empty, soulless smile.
“You’re in no shape to be doing anything of the sort.” I knew he was upset because his Irish accent was more apparent than it generally was.
“You’re in no position to tell me what to do,” I pointed out and Kathy Manning’s smile faltered for a second before recovering.
Allerton went very still beside me while all the blood seeped from Murphy’s cheeks.
He threw himself backward in his chair and slumped. “Yeah, I guess that’s the truth, isn’t it,” he muttered. Abruptly, he reached out for his glass and filled it to the brim with more wine. He shoved back his chair and stalked out of the dining room.
“After you talk to Tobias, we’ll have cake and coffee.” Kathy Manning got to her feet to begin clearing the table.
I almost started to laugh at the absurdity of her statement, but instead looked at Allerton. He reached into his pocket and drew out a key.
“Last door on the left. Please lock it again when you leave.” He gave me a measuring look. “Do you want me to come with you, Constance?”
“No thank you, Councilor.” I made sure not to use his first name and I was aware he knew it was deliberate. The last goddamn thing in the world I wanted was for him to accompany me. “I can do this on my own.”
As I left the room, I could feel the both of them staring at me and I was certain they were wondering if I actually could. As a matter of fact, so was I.
* * * *
Grandfather Tobias sat in front of the gas fireplace in a blue armchair with a high back and rolled arms. He had the fire on the highest setting and a blast of heat brought a light coating of sweat to my face when I walked into the room.
The first thing I thought when he turned his head toward me was that he’d aged horribly during the past two years. His dark gray hair had thinned and turned a ghostly white. His brown eyes were faded to the color of weak tea and the lines and seams in his face had deepened and become underscored.
He’d lost weight too and his clothes bagged on his wiry frame. I’d always thought he’d looked a lot like Jonathan but now I could no longer even pretend I saw a familial resemblance. He was an old, old man.
When he saw me he smiled and I remembered his smile. Slanted and slow, it gradually took over his whole face and emphasized the laugh lines and crow’s feet around his gentle eyes.
“Dear one, I knew you were here. I could smell you. Four parts Dior perfume, six parts unique Stanzie. Sit down.” He gestured toward the matching blue chair opposite his, as if this were just another one of our weekly visits and he was playing host.
The heat from the fireplace combined with his smile was making me sick. Was he senile? Did he not even remember he’d murdered my bond mates? How could he smile at me as if we were still friends?
I stood by the door and made no move to sit. I couldn’t talk, I could only stare.
“They aren’t with you anymore,” he said after a moment. His brown eyes were both sad and strangely relieved. “The last time I saw you when you came to my door and I wouldn’t answer it, they were with you, one on either side, their arms around you as if they were holding you up and supporting you. Maybe you don’t need them anymore. You’ve moved on and left them free to move on as well. Good for you, dear one.”
“What,” I blurted, my stomach roiling, “the hell are you talking about?”
But I thought I knew and if he said it, I would probably puke all over the floor.
“Grey and Elena of course,” he said matter-of-factly. “Or, rather, their ghosts I’d suppose. Their spirits. I can see them sometimes. I always could. I suspect Jonathan can too but he’s too damned afraid to admit it. It’s in our blood.”
“You’re a senile old man.” I clutched at my stomach. I was grateful for not having eaten anything but then I wondered if I had, maybe I would feel less nauseous.
“I’m an old man, but I’m not senile,” he told me.
“They were with me?” I couldn’t help but ask. I was fascinated, repulsed, grief stricken and appalled they’d tried to comfort me and I hadn’t even known they were there.
“They were,” he affirmed. “I’m sure if you think hard, dear one, you can remember when they moved on. Wasn’t there a time when you felt like they weren’t there anymore?”
“They were never there because they died,” I choked out. But I did remember a moment lying in a bed in a Paris hotel listening to Murphy take a shower and trying to bring Grey and Elena to mind and realizing I was missing whole pieces of them. Had they really been there with me until that time? Had they really?
Grandfather Tobias watched my face. “It’s a good thing they moved on. It means you moved on too. I knew you would. We all do. We have to.”
“I don’t want to listen to you. I wouldn’t have had to move on if you hadn’t killed them. Why? What for? I don’t understand how you could do it to them. They were your pack and so was I!”
“Of all of the people in Riverglow, Stanzie, I thought you were the most respectful of the old ways. It isn’t just wanton destruction we do, we recruit as well. We have to or the whole thing would die out, wouldn’t it?”
“Recruit?” I gasped in outraged shock. “But I’m not a grandmother!”
He shook his head pityingly. “Did you really think it was only us?”
I reeled backward against the door as if a cannonball had propelled me. I turned away from the old man who sat placidly in the chair in front of the fire and pressed my forehead against the cold unyielding wood of the door and pounded one of my fists against it weakly. “Never would I have ever joined in something that meant murdering innocent people!” I hit the door again then a third time. If Grandfather Tobias had seen something in me that made him think I was a candidate,
maybe he was right and it was a part of myself I had to acknowledge.
“It’s not murder,” he said. “It’s an unfortunate thing, but these people who die, dear one, they choose their path. We all choose a path to walk down and we all pay the consequences those paths demand.”
I let out a soft wail of despairing protest. “Grey and Elena did not choose to die. You made that decision for them. They were helping the pack. They were doing things they loved and were good at doing. Just because you don’t understand or like the technology doesn’t mean the entire Pack should avoid it.”
“There are ways to embrace the present, Stanzie,” he said in a patient tone. “You embraced it with your music. You entertained at modern weddings and board meetings and company parties and yet you remained true to the Pack. The only thing that ever held you back was your wolf. You kept her innocent and pure and childish, and that blinded you in this form to things you needed to face. I said I wished I could recruit you not that I ever would have, not with your wolf the way she is.”
“Was!” I swung around, fists clenched. “My wolf is changing and evolving and learning the words for things and she would be disgusted by this conversation the same way I am. You are trying to twist everything but the truth is that you and everyone who choose your path are cowards and murderers and blind. Why do you need to kill? Why can’t you talk and use reason? It’s because you’re talking shit, that’s why, and you know it. On some level you must know it!”
“I knew there was a change in you that wasn’t due just to losing Grey and Elena and the subsequent grief.” The old man smiled at me and I longed to bash his face in with my fists. Then, appalled, I shrank against the door and shuddered.
Had I really wanted to use my fists on a helpless old man? Even if he was a murderer? Was using violence against violence ever the right answer?
“Nothing is black and white anymore!” I was incensed at the way my world was changing and crumbling. The shreds that were left were all turning to dust beneath my clutching fingers. “Nothing is easy to figure out. Nothing!”
“I know, dear one, I know,” said Grandfather Tobias. He got out of his chair and walked on his unsteady old man’s legs toward me. He was so weak, so powerless, so old and frail. I remembered a vital man. Yes, he’d been old, but he’d worked on cars and kept up a huge backyard garden and had been strong enough to lift spare tires and car parts and big bushel baskets of tomatoes and corn. Now he looked as though he might fall down taking seven steps across a perfectly level floor.
He meant to take me in his arms and hug me, and if he touched me I might disintegrate. I might do anything. I might hurt him or worse, hug him back.
“Please stay away from me. Please don’t touch me!”
He had one hand stretched toward me and it would have been so easy to reach back. The path down the road to destruction could be a simple touch away. Or maybe it was the opposite. If I didn’t reach back, maybe that would condemn me.
He let his arm drop to his side and gave me a sad smile. “I’m not alone on this path. Not in the Great Pack, not even in Riverglow. And you, dear one, you ought not to trust everyone at face value the way you always have. You bring out the best in people because you’re so open and honest, but you make it easy for them to exploit you. You don’t know the first thing, for instance, about the Councilor you’ve tied yourself to or your new bond mate. You believe what they’ve told you about themselves, but most people hide things. They have secrets and those secrets could hurt you. I had hoped, Stanzie, that you’d stay away from the Great Pack. That you’d be safe on your own, but that was not to be.
“We are a social breed and we need our own. You’ve never had Others for friends and companions and you probably never will so I’m sure the past two years have been torture for you and not release the way I wished them to be for you. So be it, you’re back. I just wanted you to know that this is not Riverglow with Grey and Elena buffering you from reality anymore. You’ve put yourself on the edge of a precipice and it’s a long way down. Be careful, dear one. I was always proud of you and I couldn’t love you more than if you were my own flesh-and-blood granddaughter. I won’t be here for very much longer and you need to choose your protectors wisely. You also need to fend for yourself. I’m glad to hear you’ve woken your wolf. Just be aware that it gets much worse and darker the more she wakes up. And she can never, ever, go back to sleep again.”
He did touch me then—a light touch on the shoulder but it was electric and burned as though his fingers were made of fire.
I felt galvanized as if he were passing something within himself and putting it into me. I felt it sink beneath my skin, into my blood and bones, my very sinews and I knew he was right. My wolf would never sleep again. She would forever be on the prowl.
I keened softly beneath my breath as I fumbled open the door and slammed it shut behind me. Somehow I remembered to lock it.
Chapter 10
I found the others in the front room. At some point during the day the Christmas tree had been dismantled and the poinsettia plants taken away. Now the bay window stood revealed and a series of green houseplants in colorful pots decorated the shelved expanse beneath it.
Two cream fabric chairs with gilt-edged woodwork had been placed where the tree had been, with an expensive antique end table between them. A lamp with a Tiffany shade stood on the end table.
Aware they were all staring at me, I crossed the room to one of the chairs and sat.
Allerton and Manning were on the sectional sofa beneath the lighted cityscape portrait. They were drinking rye and soda on the rocks.
Murphy had graduated from wine to cognac and stood by the drinks cart as if guarding the bottle from anybody else who might want some of what he’d clearly staked as his own.
His dark brown eyes were wide as he stared at me. His fingers clutching the glass full of cognac were white and bloodless.
I must have reeked of anger and defensive grief. They all exchanged glances in a tacit, wordless understanding that if I went ballistic, they’d act in unison to subdue me.
That pissed me off. I was not so wildly out of control that I’d lose it and start wrecking the priceless furniture. I didn’t even want to drown myself in drink like Murphy.
I shifted restlessly in the chair because I was unsure of what I wanted to do. Maybe that’s the part they were worried about. Not that they thought I would go crazy, but that they couldn’t tell what I might do which could be anything.
For a minute, nobody moved and everything hung in the balance. Then I did do something. I laughed.
Murphy nearly dropped his cognac, his eyes widening even more, and both Allerton and Manning tensed and stared. This reaction, they had clearly not anticipated.
I admit I hadn’t either. The laughter that poured out of my mouth was both wicked and dark, not the way I’d ever laughed before. There was a black hilarity about it that was just short of murder.
“Tell me the truth.” I demanded. “I’m the only person sitting here that, up until five minutes ago, actually believed it was only the grandmothers and grandfathers who were involved.” I laughed again. “You all knew it couldn’t be just them, am I right? I’m the idiot, the one who trusted everybody, especially the Great Pack. Fuck.”
“It did seem indicated,” Allerton said, his tone low and placating. “The logistics for one thing.”
“Yeah,” I agreed with a snort. “Grandmothers and grandfathers have no real power. Not like Alphas or former Alphas with friends in high places.” I cast a malevolent look at Murphy, who seemed to hold his breath. “Or Regional Councilors?” My gaze swept insolently over Kathy Manning who, for once, was not fucking smiling. “Or even the Great Council. A Councilor on the Great Council. What a coup that would be, wouldn’t it?”
I locked gazes with Jason Allerton and refused to look away.
Allerton said, “I think it is safe for you to trust the three of us in this room with you.”
“Ha. Forgiv
e me, Councilor, if I prefer to make up my own mind about that.”
“Of course you should, I’m merely stating my position. You are free to accept my words or reject them. Of course, though, I can’t have an Advisor who doesn’t trust me, can I?”
“I wouldn’t think so, no,” I agreed. We stared at each other, neither one backing down.
“You can’t seriously believe I would have had anything to do with Sorcha’s death, can you, Stanzie?” Murphy sounded as if someone had stuck a knife into his guts and twisted hard. Someone like me.
“Yesterday morning I wouldn’t have,” I said, still staring at Allerton. “But then the whole fucking world turned upside down like a ship hit by a tidal wave. I’m not sure, but I think I might have drowned. Nobody’s who they say they are. That old man upstairs, for instance, says he’s my protector. But he killed the two people I loved more than anything or anybody in the whole world. And now he’s got me thinking that maybe even they weren’t who I thought they were. Maybe they had secrets they kept from me, the way you all have secrets you’ve kept from me. And you have them, Murphy, you know you do. Why shouldn’t it be that you’re a part of this whole fucking conspiracy?”
“Because I’m not!” he yelled. “Yes, I have secrets, but not that kind. Christ, Constance, no! You know me!”
“I don’t!” I shouted back, turning away from Allerton to glare at my bond mate. A part of me needed to go to him, to turn back time and start over again, but another, bigger part of me wanted to spit at him.
“I don’t know what secrets you think I’m hiding from you, but my cards have always been on the table,” said Allerton and I swung back to him.
“Except for the ones up your sleeve,” I retorted. “For instance, does the whole world know Kathy Manning’s your mistress or just Murphy?”
For once I’d taken the man completely by surprise. Whatever he’d been expecting me to say, I don’t think it was that. I also saw by the flicker of his eyelids that I was right on target. She was his mistress and he didn’t advertise it.
Scratch the Surface (Wolf Within) Page 12