by Ines Johnson
Maurice woke with a start. His first instinct was to offer me a friendly smile. Then his brow furrowed as realization slowly dawned. He looked over his shoulder at the closed door to my room and then back to me. In a matter of five seconds, his face went from friendly, to confusion, to betrayal.
"Look," I said, straightening and holding my hands in surrender. "I'm not escaping. I just want to go and check on Morgan."
"Oh." Maurice blinked. His features relaxed into something soft and accepting. "You could've asked, you know?"
I nodded, but I didn't know. "I'll be back, okay?"
He smiled, then he closed his eyes and leaned his back against my door frame. He was softly snoring again in a second as though he didn't have a care in the world. As though he trusted that I would keep my word and return.
I took a deep breath and made my way to the infirmary. Outside the door to the infirmary stood another roadblock.
Unlike Maurice, Gawain was wide awake as he leaned against the infirmary's door. I didn't startle him as I approached. He looked as though he'd been waiting for my arrival.
"There's been no change," said Gawain. "She hasn't woken up."
"I didn't mean for any of this to happen."
"I believe you."
Unable to meet his gaze, I looked down at his boots. They were cowboy boots. It was the most mashed up fashion statement I'd seen thus far in this town. An Asian male with his torso covered in a medieval tunic, his thighs poured into dark leather pants that screamed metal band, and his feet stuffed into cowboy boots.
"No one here is your enemy, Loren."
I huffed a laugh. "Did Geraint and Baysle get that memo?"
"They're waiting for any evidence that you trust us."
My gaze jerked to his then. Both of those men had accused me of stealing, of lying, and cheating. Okay, all which I had done.
"The people in this town have reached out their hands to you and you still have your arms crossed over your chest. And, yeah, Gerry can be an asshole at times. This is his family. He'd die to protect anyone in this town. We all would."
So I'd walked into a cult. A magical mafia where if you messed with one, you messed with all. I had that with Nia. She'd risked her life for me and I'd done the same for her. But I couldn't imagine having a couple hundred besties. It sounded overwhelming.
I wrapped my arms around myself, squeezing myself tight. But then I noted that my arms were more muscled than my workouts afforded me. My arms also reached all the way around my back and were able to squeeze the opposite shoulders.
Those weren't my arms. They were Gawain's. He wrapped me up in a tight bear hug that I couldn't escape. I simply had to take the smothering affection.
"I'd die for you," he said. "I think you're worth it."
"If you think I'm worth it now, standing and fully clothed, wait until you get me horizontal and naked."
Gawain chuckled. His laugh rumbled through me and I rubbed my cheek against the opening of his shirt until I found skin.
"I know we've only known each other a short time," Gawain said, pulling away from me. "But I can't imagine not having you as a friend."
I cocked my head to the side as I peered up at his handsome face. He smiled, but there was no flirty tilt to those lips. His gaze was soft but serious.
"You are totally friend-zoning me, aren't you?"
"No." He gave a shake of his head. "I'm welcoming you into my family."
"Like, as your sister?"
"I…" That caught him up short. Then he shrugged. "Call it what you want, but it would've never worked out between us. Face it; you were only into my body."
Now I snorted. Though the man did have a good point. A very good point I thought as I eyed his chest.
"I have a lot more to offer," Gawain insisted.
"Yeah, you have really good pecs —I mean personality—too."
Gawain's grin reflected in his eyes. The spark of desire that had been there was doused, but it was still there. I wasn't sure if I'd hold still in the friendly place he'd just put me. But I could hang out for a while.
"Go on inside, Loren. I'm sure it'll help Morgan to hear your voice. Let her know her family's here for her."
Gawain let me go and headed down the hall. I turned my attention back to the closed door, took a deep breath, and opened it. The first thing I saw was Gwin tightening Morgan's sheets.
Morgan lay with her dark hair spread out on the white pillow. Her skin was pale enough to match the sheets her sister tucked around her shoulders. But at least her lips weren't blue anymore. The forearm, which had been struck by the spear, was now bandaged. It looked as though Gwin had gotten the bleeding under control. Morgan's breathing was even. But her eyes remained closed.
I hadn't been allowed in the room when my mother had died, but I'd snuck in. Her face had been pale, paler than Morgan's. Her blonde hair had turned from vibrant to dull. Her eyes had never opened again after that night.
I shook myself to let go of that memory. The door to the sick room slipped out of my fingers and closed with a soft snick. Gwin looked up and saw me. I averted my gaze from hers. My body turned towards the door when I heard her steps coming closer to me.
Nia's voice rang in my ear. Big girl panties time. I braced for impact. A good thing because I was nearly knocked over by Gwin's embrace.
"I'm so sorry, Loren. In the chaos of last night, I didn't check to make sure you were unharmed." She took my hands in hers, running her fingers over my arms and then my face.
"I'm fine."
Gwin stared at me with eyes so like my mother's that the truth slipped out.
"Physically."
Gwin nodded, her blue eyes soft with sympathy. "We're all going to get through this."
My eyebrows felt heavy as they crinkled, squinting at her in utter confusion. "You're not angry with me because of what happened to your sister?"
"I'm furious with you both," she growled.
I tried to pull my hands away but Gwin didn't let go.
"Are you sure you're okay?" she asked, but didn't wait for my response. "I'll get you something to eat. Igraine made your favorite."
"She did?"
"Of course, she did. It's all for you. No one else will eat that garbage."
I took a deep breath, trying to hold myself still. Everything in me wanted to run away. My heart was beating so fast I'm sure Gwin could feel my pulse pushing against her fingers as she held onto my hands. Her eyes were soft as she continued to check me over, much like Maurice's had been when he realized I wasn't trying to escape. Her hold was comforting like Gawain's. My shoulders slumped as all the fight went out of me.
I looked over at Morgan. I wished she'd sit up and crack a joke. But she remained prone.
I hadn't noticed it before, but now standing nearer to her, I noted that Morgan felt different. She'd always felt so full of energy, like being near a live wire. But now she felt hollow, empty, human. What if all her magic was gone?
"She's going to be okay?" My voice trembled as I asked.
"She's going to be okay." Gwin's face was determined, but I heard the note of uncertainty in her voice.
I couldn't stand still any longer. I had to get out of the room. "You stay here," I said. "I'll go down to the kitchen and grab a bite."
But I didn't go down to the kitchen. I walked slowly down the steps and stood outside the door to the Throne Room. I raised my hand and knocked.
Tristan opened the door. When he saw me he winced in the universal language that said everyone was talking about me behind my back.
"Lady Loren," Arthur's booming voice carried into the hall. "I thought I asked you to stay in your room."
"You ordered it, my lord. And I did. Now I'd like to say something, if I may?"
I slipped past Tristan and made my way inside. All six knights were assembled, each man in the seat of his ancestor. I walked up to my grandfather's seat, but I didn't sit down. I stood behind the seat, which was exactly across from Arthur.
&
nbsp; "Okay. So here goes." I took a deep breath and did something I hadn't done in a long time. I spoke my heart's desire out loud. "I want this; this seat. And I'm not very good at wanting things. I'm used to getting them, to taking them, to faking things. But I can't take this. I can't fake it."
I squeezed the back of the chair. My gaze caught Gawain's. His dark eyes were encouraging as they rested on me.
"It's always just been me and my mum," I continued. "Then me and my dad. Then more recently, me and my bestie. I don't know how to do the group thing —and anyone who'd tell you differently, just know I had to have been really drunk that night."
No laughs. I bit my lower lip. Tough room.
"Okay, look. I don't know how to be a family. I was just getting the hang of a partnership. But I've been a fighter all my life." I took another deep breath and dug deep for words to make these guys hear me out. "Life can be a challenge. Life can seem impossible. It's never easy when there's so much on the line. But you and I can make a difference. There's a mission just for you and me."
Geraint cocked his head to the side and glowered at me. "Isn't that from the Pokemon Movie?"
"Only the last little bit," I snapped. "I got lost and I didn't know how to end it. Let me try again."
"That's enough, Lady Loren," said Arthur.
My heart sank. My nails dug into the top of my grandfather's seat leaving behind half-moon crescents. He was going to do it. He was going to kick me out. I'd pushed too far. This is why I hated reaching for things.
"Decisions like these," Arthur began, "decisions that affect all of us, are decided by consensus. We were just about to vote when you interrupted."
My head jerked up. It wasn't over? I still had a chance? But then my gaze latched on Geraint. Between the quirk in his accented brows and the smug lift of his mouth, I knew what his vote would be.
"My vote is no," he said. "I still say a woman can't be a knight."
"Surprise, surprise," I mumbled.
"That's not sexist," Geraint said. "Women are equal in 99% of things. Rushing into battle is the one thing I won't make a concession on. I don't get why that makes me a bad guy?"
He looked around the room. I did too, but I couldn't read any of the male faces around the table. Maybe it was because too much hair covered their features.
"I've seen our lady in battle," said Lancelot. "She proved that she can take on combat operations when we were in Mosul. She's physically capable, mentally capable."
I had to hold myself still before I rushed over to give the ginger-haired feminist a hug. But I'm glad I held still because Lance wasn't finished.
"It's her morals that worry me," he continued. "I can't trust that she'll always do the right thing. So my vote is no. I'm sorry, my lady."
I stood stunned. My palms pressed into the back of the chair trying to keep my body upright from the impact of the sucker punch. Percival was next and I had no idea which way he'd sway the count.
Percival stroked the whiskers on his beard. His irises appeared to bounce around in his eye socket like his mind was working fast inside his skull and he couldn't quite keep up. When he spoke, it was slow and thoughtful.
"Being that she is a woman, she has a particular skill set which means an increase in the talent pool. She can take on missions that we can't. That will up our odds of success. My vote is yes."
I let out a gush of air I hadn't known I'd been holding. Two to one. Three left. I turned to Tristan who was next.
"Recruitment is at an all-time low." The young man's eyes were thoughtful as he spoke. "We need to allow the mixing of the genders if we are to keep our ranks up. And we need to get with the modern times. Our way of life is dying out. We need to evolve. I vote yes."
I balled my hand into a fist and did a covert victory pump behind my grandfather's chair. It was nearly mine. That was two yeses and two nos.
I knew Gawain would vote for me. With all the sexual tension between us over the past few weeks, and that lame we-are-family talk earlier was just a ploy. He so wanted me. He was likely making sure we were covering our basis before everyone found out we were cavorting coworkers.
"My vote is no."
I leaned over the chair, turning my ear to him to make sure I heard him correctly this time. "I'm sorry, what?"
Gawain looked up at me from beneath that hooded gaze. "I've seen men act foolishly to protect a woman. I know that Lady Loren is talented, probably more than some of us. But I think her inclusion will affect the cohesion of our order. My vote is no."
Gawain took a deep breath. He exhaled it slowly, then his gaze tracked up to mine. He folded his hands in front of him on the table and leaned forward.
I leaned back. I let go of the seat. My palms felt damp. My fingertips were numb.
That was three nos and two yeses. I turned to Arthur. I didn't know if he would create a tie or if my fate was already sealed with Gawain's betrayal.
Once again, Arthur's steely gaze pinned me in place. Never had I wanted to run more than in that moment. I knew my fate before he spoke it.
"I did not like the idea of a female knight when it was first presented to us. There is an order to our way of life. The standards of physical fitness for our order is suited to men and I've always believed it would over-stretch and overtax a woman. I didn't think a woman had the longevity or the physiology or the emotional stamina to undertake this life."
I curled my hands into a fist instead of rushing to wrap my hands around his neck to stave off his pigheaded words. The only reason I didn't lunge was because I heard a but in his speech. I held my breath as he got there.
"You've proven me wrong. But…I do not think you're ready, my lady. I don't trust my life in your hands. I still feel that I can't turn my back and know you'll have it."
He held my gaze. My eyes burned but I refused to let a tear fall. I just wanted him to get on with it, to just say it so that I could get out of here.
"My vote is, no."
I nodded once. Holding my head high, I walked to the door. I shut it quietly behind me and headed out of the castle doors.
Chapter Eighteen
I walked out into the crisp evening air. The sun was setting, slowly tucking itself into the horizon for the night. The few trickle of tourists had left the grounds as the attractions closed at 5 pm. Most, if not all, of the town's people were inside the Great Hall, sitting down for the nightly community dinner. I'd lost my appetite.
That was a lie.
I could eat. I just couldn't stomach walking into that room full of people as a failure.
I closed my eyes, shutting out this magical world. But the loss of sight didn't help. The magic was inside me.
I wanted to run across the drawbridge. I wanted to hightail it out of this town. I wanted to escape back to my life of transience. But I couldn't move.
My feet felt rooted. My gut felt settled. My heart felt heavy, but not sad heavy. The weight in my chest felt like it was tethered.
I walked to the middle of the bridge and sat down. The toe of my boot tapped the water. I watched the ripples spread from the point of my boot on out to the water's edge. It hit the brick of the castle on one end and the paved path that led into the town on the other.
I looked from one side to the other as the ripples settled and the waters stilled once more. Once the waters calmed, I was left with my reflection. A pair of eyes stared back at me but they weren't my own.
"Hey, Viviane."
The witch's face materialized out of the water. As she rose, the droplets fell from her ivory hair as though the surface of the water was a magical blow dryer. Her tresses came to rest in lush waves around her shoulders. Women would kill for a manufactured device that could perform that trick.
"I liked it when you called me Vivi," she said. "No one's ever given me a nickname. Mostly, they just shout at me when they need a transport. Or if their shoe has gone missing."
She reached over and ran a finger over my boots. I yanked them away. "Maybe I'd keep calli
ng you by a nickname if you stick around. You totally bailed on me last night."
She sunk back into the water until only her eyes were visible. They were huge, somber orbs that reflected the moon on the surface of the waters.
"Did The Arthur shout at you?" she asked.
It took me a moment before I responded as I puzzled over how she spoke out loud while her mouth was submerged in the waters. "No. He didn't shout. Which made it all the worse. I prefer the shouting to the quiet disappointment."
Viviane rose up from the waters again. She rested her elbows on the drawbridge. I saw her lame feet dangling listlessly in the moat. "He was disappointed that you didn't catch Merlin and you nearly got Morgan killed?"
I turned and glared at her. She was as culpable as me. But her gaze was fixed on her forfeited prize. "No, he's disappointed that I went off and did those things without him or the other knights. They expect instant trust. But trust is a two-way street."
"I've never walked on a street."
"Me neither," I sighed. "Metaphorically speaking."
"I was speaking physically."
My glare softened as I regarded her. Viviane rested her pale head on her arms. They were surprisingly slender, like the rest of her. I wondered that they held her up.
"Are there others like you?" I asked. "Mermaids or sirens?"
"They're not what you expect. They're not human and they're not nice. I'm not exactly like them. I'm not entirely like you." She rubbed her nose into the crook of her elbow. "Anyway, it was a stupid idea, trying to get the spear, thinking I could break this curse, imagining I could walk. I'm sorry I dragged you into it. I'm sorry Lady Morgan got hurt."
She released her hold on the bridge and sank back down into the water.
"Viviane, wait," I called out. "Vivi?"
She broke the water, a small smile on her lips, a glimmer of hope in her eyes. It was the ray of hope that did me in. That single ray tugged at the tether on my heartstrings, pulling me closer to her.
"It wasn't a stupid idea," I said, leaning down towards her. "We just went about it the wrong way."