I felt bad for them. They were all alone in the world. I knew that feeling well. They were lucky to have one another.
Chapter 4
Cora
I never really understood what people meant when they said they had a heavy heart. I did now. My heart felt very heavy. Every beat hurt. Every beat felt like a struggle.
I wanted nothing more than to go home and crawl into bed. I wished I could wake up tomorrow and realize it had all been a nightmare. I didn’t want to deal with any of it anymore.
I kept moving, walking across the grass to where a white tent was set up for the mourners. Oakley was at my side, quiet as we approached the coffin perched over the hole in the ground. My anxiousness increased with every step. It all felt so final. The last few days nothing felt real. The idea of burying him made it too real.
I was escorted to one of the folding white chairs positioned in front of the casket. Oakley sat beside me. We both stared at the beautiful mahogany casket. He had picked it out himself, which was only a little macabre. When I first saw it, I had run my hand over the smooth wood, admiring it until I remembered what it was. I had jerked my hand away, horrified by my admiration.
“I can’t believe this is happening,” I whispered. I had not meant to say the words aloud.
“Me either,” Oakley said. “He was so vibrant. So full of life the last time I saw him.”
“I saw him that morning,” I told him. “He didn’t look great, but he didn’t look sick. He told me he ate a spicy burrito. He was always eating spicy burritos. I didn’t think twice about it. What if—”
“Don’t,” he stopped me. “Don’t play that game. There is nothing you could have done.”
“I hate that he was alone,” I said.
“He wasn’t alone. Rogan was with him.”
“That’s right,” I said, remembering the moment he caught me in his arms. “I’m glad he was there.”
The preacher began to speak, giving the final words before it was all over. People began to leave. Oakley put an arm around me as I stood staring at the coffin. I was trying to make peace with it. I was trying to get my head around the fact I would never see him again. My heart hurt. I reached out and put my hand on the coffin once more.
I couldn’t stop the tears from falling. I stood at the graveside for a long time. Oakley had drifted away, fading into the background with all the other guests. It was just me and Dad. I was thankful for the time alone with him, even if it wasn’t technically alone.
“How are you?” I heard a male voice.
I turned to see Rogan standing nearby, his hands in his pockets. I tried to smile but it wouldn’t come. “I’m okay,” I answered. We both knew it was a lie.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “Your dad was a great man. I can’t imagine how you must be feeling.”
I nodded. “He was a good man.”
“If you need anything, please don’t hesitate to ask. I’ll do anything I can to help you through this.”
This time, I did smile. “Thank you. I appreciate that.”
“I’ll leave you alone,” he said, his eyes sliding over to the coffin.
I could see he was suffering, but he was being far less obvious about it than I was.
“Again, I’m so sorry,” he said and visibly took a deep breath before walking away.
I turned back to the coffin adorned with beautiful white roses. “I’m glad he was with you, Dad. I know you liked him. Maybe you even loved him. I have to go now, Dad. I’m going to visit you all the time. I’ll bring you and Mom flowers and keep you updated with things. I love you, Dad. I hope I told you that before—well, you know—before you left. I don’t remember the last thing we talked about that wasn’t about work. I’ve racked my brain and I can’t remember what it was or if I said I love you. I do.”
I turned and walked away, heading toward the waiting limo. I realized then the cemetery had cleared out. Oakley was leaning against the car, his hands in his pockets and his legs crossed at the ankle. He had on his dark sunglasses, but I knew there was sadness in those pretty blue eyes of his. He was hiding it well, but I knew him.
“Why don’t we go get something to eat?” he suggested. “I know you haven’t eaten today.”
“We have to go to the house,” I told him. “Everyone is going to be there.”
“They don’t need us,” he said. “Besides, I really don’t think I can take any more condolences right now.”
“I don’t think I can either,” I confessed.
“The limo is ours to go wherever we please. Let’s go get some tacos and go down by the lake.”
“The lake on Dad’s property?” I asked.
He grinned. “No one is going to be looking for us on the back forty,” he replied.
“Good point. Do you think it will be okay if we don’t go? I don’t want to be rude.”
“It isn’t rude. We can do whatever we want. We owe no one anything.”
I climbed into the back of the limo and leaned my head against the seat. “Thank you,” I breathed.
“You’re welcome. You need to rest. I know you. You haven’t been sleeping.”
“It’s hard,” I told him. I didn’t tell him my lack of sleep today was due to an erotic dream about his best friend. I didn’t think he would appreciate that.
“I’m going to stick around for a while,” he said.
I turned to look at him. “What? Really?”
“Yes.”
“Oakley, I know you don’t want to be here. Don’t stick around for me. I’ll be okay.”
“Yes, you will be okay, but I’m going to be here. We need to go through Dad’s things and figure out what to do with stuff.”
I groaned, dreading the following days. “The will is being read Monday. Then we have to deal with the estate. It feels like it never ends.”
“It will get better,” he said. “It will always hurt, but it will get better.”
I closed my eyes, relaxing as the hum of the car lulled me. I thought about the coming days. I dreaded going through my father’s private things, but it was better for me or Oakley to do it than a stranger. It seemed so wrong. His study was his private domain. I had been inside it a few times but never to paw through his things or touch his collectible books.
“What about your competitions?” I asked without opening my eyes.
“What about them?”
“You can’t stay here,” I told him.
“I took some time away. It’s already arranged. I need to be here. This is where I need to be. The ocean isn’t going anywhere.”
I knew it was a much bigger sacrifice than he was letting on. He loved surfing. He loved competing. He loved the water and the sun and the freedom. I hated that he was putting his dream on hold to help me. He was always looking out for me and trying to help me. He was the best big brother.
“I feel too young to be an orphan,” I said.
“We are both too young. I can’t help but feel I let Dad down. I know he wanted grandkids. You were busy with your education and I was too busy chasing a young man’s dream. I hate that our kids will never know our parents. They are going to be seriously lacking in the grandparents’ department.”
I felt a sob bubble up. I put my hand over my mouth to stop it, but it was out before I could. He reached over and took my hand. “I’m sorry,” I whispered. “I don’t know why I’m so emotional. I wasn’t like this when Mom died.”
“You were young and didn’t understand the gravity of forever. Plus, you had Dad.”
I smiled and nodded. “He was a force. I don’t want to say he took her place, but her absence wasn’t quite as big with his spirit filling the void. He was extra present. He was always trying to keep us busy.”
I sighed, remembering the weeks and months after she died. “He kept us busy.”
“We have each other. I will do my best to fill the void they have both left. I will try to keep you distracted, but I think we both need to face this head on. You’ve got to go
through it to get over it.”
A slow smile spread over my face. “Did you pick that up at one of your bonfires?”
“Actually, I did. We’re going to tackle this head on. I think we’ll be stronger for it.”
I didn’t have a better idea. He was probably right. I knew it wasn’t going to be easy. I didn’t want it to be easy. I wanted to feel the pain a while longer. My dad deserved for me to suffer a little. The limo pulled into the parking lot where a taco truck was set up. Oakley hopped out and ordered for us before returning five minutes later with two bags full of delicious-smelling tacos.
The driver took us home but went the back way, avoiding the gate that would take us to the front of the house where there would be a throng of guests. We had grown up in the house and on the property. We knew it well. The limo bounced along the dirt road that led to the small lake. We thanked the driver, letting him know we would walk up to the house later and he was free to go.
We settled in on a grassy knoll that overlooked the small lake. At least, we called it a lake. It was more aptly described as a large pond. Just the same as the back forty was really about the back ten. My father’s estate included fifty acres but there had not been cattle or crops on the property in decades. He declared long ago he was not a rancher or a farmer.
“Remember when we used to spend our summers down here?” I asked.
“How could I forget?” he asked with a laugh. “I think this is where my love for water began.”
“And then remember when he stocked the thing with fish?” I asked with a curled lip.
Oakley burst into laughter. “He was thrilled. He wanted to go fishing.”
“It was so gross,” I complained. “I could not swim with all of those fish swimming about.”
“But it was fun catching them,” he insisted.
“I miss those days when everything seemed so simple. At the time, I was convinced my life was boring and miserable. I would give anything to go back to those days.”
“I think that is part of growing up. You look back on the days you ignored with fondness. The days when getting up and doing the same old thing was taken for granted.”
He was so right. That moment with him, sitting in the grass in our funeral attire and eating tacos, was going to be a day I remembered for the rest of my life. The pain I felt subsided a bit. I wanted to focus on making good memories. I needed to fill my heart with good in order to push down the sorrow.
We ate and talked for hours, losing all track of time.
“Should we head up to the house?” I asked after a while.
“If you want.”
“The mosquitoes are coming out. Welts are not a good look for me.”
He laughed again. “You always did have a sensitivity to mosquito bites.”
“Yes, and I still do. We should go. I feel horrible for missing everyone. I hope they can forgive us.”
“It isn’t like we’re going to see most of them ever again. The few people we will see, they will understand. If they don’t, fuck them. He was our father and we have the right to grieve any damn way we want.”
I was glad to have him back. I was glad to have his company and support. I had a feeling I was going to need it in the weeks to come.
Chapter 5
Rogan
The office felt weird. There was the usual sound of phones ringing and the quiet murmur of voices as employees talked to each other and customers, but it felt off. Everyone was subdued. There wasn’t any of the usual watercooler conversations. I didn’t know if there ever would be. It felt very strange to work in an office where someone died not more than a hundred feet away.
I knew there was a lot of uncertainty among the employees. None of us knew what came next. The company was blossoming, and to shut it down would be asinine. Someone would be stepping into the driver’s seat, but we didn’t know who. I had my suspicions, but I wasn’t completely sure.
There was a soft knock on my office door.
“Come in,” I called out.
The door opened and a full head of gray hair appeared. I got to my feet and smiled. “Come in, Beau.”
The man smiled and walked in, closing the door behind him. Beau Camber, Ben’s good friend and steady advisor, looked at me with a sad smile. “How are you doing?” he asked.
“I’m fine. What about you? I wasn’t expecting you today.”
He sighed, shaking his head. “Ben wouldn’t want the world to stop turning just because he wasn’t a part of it.”
“Have a seat please.” I gestured to the chair before sitting back in my executive chair.
“Are you doing okay?” he asked me again, studying me closely. He knew about my close relationship with Ben. I trusted Beau and knew he was asking out of concern.
“I’m getting there. The first day back is a little weird, but like you said, we all have to keep moving forward.”
He nodded, his eyes full of sadness. “Yes, we do. Ben had big plans for this place and I don’t think any of us want to let him down.”
“Definitely not.”
Beau had a wistful look on his face as he looked over my shoulder and out the window. “I remember when he first brought me this idea. I told him he was crazy. I told him there was too much competition with the big dogs. He was confident his train company would be better. Back then, people relied on trains a lot more than they do now.”
“You were with him at the beginning?” I asked.
“The very beginning. He and I spent hours and hours in my tiny apartment making plans. This was before either of us were married. We were two young men with a dream. Technically, I suppose it was Ben’s dream, but he got me pretty excited about it. The man had a vision. I will admit I didn’t see his vision, but he made it work.”
“With you by his side,” I said.
He shrugged. “I went back to school for my business degree. I offered my two cents when I thought he needed it.”
“He obviously liked your two cents. You guys have built something amazing together.”
He let out a long sigh. “We did. I’m proud of it, but I still give Ben all the credit. Even when technology began to take over and people no longer thought of trains as the first method of transportation, he made it work. He kept the company relevant. That is not easy to do. This company will be one of the last ones standing.”
I shook my head. “I’m going to do my best to make sure it stays standing for a long time. As technology moves along, we will too. In fact, that day in his office, he was talking about some new locomotives. He was going to send me the details. He never got the chance.”
“I know what he was talking about. I’ll get the information sent over to you. I was looking into the tax breaks.”
I leaned forward. “Who is taking over?” I asked him directly. “Will it be you?”
“No, no,” he said. “I’m not looking to take over the running of a company at my age. I want to begin my transition out of the workforce. I’m ready to spend my days golfing and sailing.”
I felt a shiver of apprehension trail down my spine. Without Ben or Beau, the company would flounder. I would be out of a very good job. I liked my job. Mostly, I liked working for Ben. Maybe I wouldn’t like my job as much with someone new at the helm.
“What’s the plan?” I asked. “Who will take over?”
“I imagine one of Ben’s kids inherited the company.”
“I hope you are going to tell me Ben had a secret lovechild because neither Oakley or Cora is ready for this. I know for a fact the very last thing Oakley wants is to run this company.”
Beau softly chuckled. “I’m not sure what his plan was. I don’t think he was planning on dying this early.”
“What do we do?” I asked. “When will we know?”
“We keep doing what we are doing, and when the new CEO is named, we do what we have always done.”
“Which is?”
“We support them. Me and you, we know the ins and the outs. Whoever takes over i
s going to need us to guide them through the transition. You will do what you have always done and handle the operations. I will continue to advise on the financial side of things. If it’s Cora or Oakley, we have to support them. It’s what Ben would have asked us to do. We have to respect his choice.”
“Of course,” I agreed.
In the back of my mind, I was trying to picture Oakley sitting at Ben’s desk. No matter how hard I tried, I could not make the image work. Oakley would be miserable. Ben would have known that. I couldn’t imagine him burdening his son with a company he didn’t want. And Cora? Shit, she was fresh out of college and had only been working at the company a month. She did not have the experience to handle it. Not yet.
“Anyway, I came in here to see if I could convince you to go down to the yard and figure out what the hell is going on.”
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“I got a call from one of the yard mechanics. He’s my sister’s son and has my direct line.”
“Your spy, you mean,” I teased.
He chuckled. “It doesn’t hurt to have eyes and ears in places you can’t be.”
“What’s going on?”
“He says there is a train ready to go but it hasn’t left yet. He tried to talk to the foreman but was told to mind his own business. It should have left yesterday. I don’t know if it’s an engineer problem or something else, but Jason assures me it isn’t a mechanical issue.”
“I’ll take care of it,” I said. Getting out of the office sounded like a good plan. I wanted to get away from the sadness I could feel in the air. As it was, I was struggling to keep my spirits up.
“I knew I could count on you.”
“So, Beau,” I started. “How long do we do this?”
“Do what?”
“Operate with no captain at the helm?”
He offered a small smile. “I’m sure we’ll know something in the next day or two. For now, I think we both have plenty of work to do.”
“Got it,” I said with a nod.
Backing You Up Page 3