He wrote down the information and paid with his credit card, thanking her when he left. He felt good about doing that for Sam. He wasn’t sure when she would get them, but it shouldn’t take too long.
***
A couple hours later after Sam and Tonya finished getting their fill of ice cream and celebrating the good news they arrived back at the apartment feeling very good about themselves. Sam kept rubbing her right arm, trying to get used to the fact it wasn’t covered with that hard plaster anymore.
“Feels weird not having that on, doesn’t it?” Tonya asked her.
“Yes, but it feels great!”
After walking in and closing the door they were both still full of energy and didn’t know what to do with themselves. Sitting on the couch they surfed through the channels on the television and couldn’t get interested in anything that was on.
“You know what I meant to do while we were out?” Sam asked her.
“What?”
“I meant to go somewhere and buy a Bible. I need one, but I don’t know where to go around here.”
“Yeah, I could use one, too. I don’t know where there is a Christian book store, but Walmart or Target may carry them. Do you want to go and see?”
“We can do it later, or tomorrow. We just got back.”
Before Tonya could reply someone knocked on the door, surprising them.
“Who could that be, I wonder?” Tonya asked as she walked to the door to answer it. She looked through the peephole first and smiled at Sam.
“It’s a man holding a box of flowers!”
Sam stood next to her as she opened the door and the guy said he had a delivery for a Samantha Tyler. She thanked the guy and took the box, smiling from ear to ear and walked to the table setting them down.
When she removed the lid they both gasped at the dozen roses and how beautiful they were. Back and forth they inhaled the fragrance and admired the white baby’s breath that surrounded them. Sam couldn’t control herself and she felt a large lump in her throat.
“They are so lovely! Oh Chris!” She knew it was her husband who sent them and obviously missed her.
“Read the card! Let’s see what he said,” Tonya insisted.
Sam plucked the small envelope from the box with shaky fingers. When she read the simple but touching note, tears escaped and ran freely down her reddened cheeks.
“Aww,” Tonya expressed with some emotion of her own.
“Anything for your love,” Sam blubbered. “What a sweet guy I have. I have to call him and tell him I love him, too.”
Sitting at the table, not wanting to part ways with the flowers, she dialed his number. Sam couldn’t wait to hear his voice. She couldn’t wait to tell him that she got his flowers and that she missed and loved him so much. The phone rang six times before it went to his voicemail. She was disappointed, but left him a short message.
“Honey, I got my flowers a few minutes ago! Thank you they are so beautiful! I love them. I love the card and I love you with all my heart! I will call you again later, baby. I miss you.”
“He may still be at work or driving and not able to answer the phone,” Tonya told her.
“Probably. I can call him later. Do you have a vase I can put them in?”
“Yeah, I think so.”
Tonya looked in the kitchen and couldn’t find a vase, but she had a tall mason jar and filled it halfway with water.
“This will have to work for now.”
Setting the roses in the water, they put them in the middle of the dining room table and stood back admiring them.
“You are one lucky girl,” Tonya told her.
“Yes, I am blessed to have him.”
“Come on let’s go to Walmart anyway. I’m full of energy and you can gush over them when we get back and call him later.”
Giggling they grabbed their purses and walked out the door feeling light on their feet. It was a day they would look back on with feelings they would never forget.
***
Chris got in his car and was grateful the work day was over. His boss was in a better mood, but not by a lot. He wanted to talk to him about whatever was eating at him, but his boss wasn’t the type of guy who opened up easily. Chris knew that much about him.
His mind was somewhere else and not as attentive on what he was doing. He pulled out into traffic and started towards the apartment when he thought about checking his phone. Sam should have gotten the flowers already, and she had most likely called him and he missed it.
At a red light, he stopped and pulled his cell phone from his pocket. He saw the flashing icon letting him know he had one voicemail. He smiled, knowing it was probably from her. At the same time the light turned green he touched the screen to listen to her message. He wasn’t paying attention to either side of him and he had forgotten to wear his seatbelt. As he heard Sam’s voice on the message, he grinned and didn’t see the dump truck speeding toward him and through the intersection at the same time. The last thing he would hear was her voice.
Chapter Eighteen
When the storm hit, she was barely able to stand the rain and thunder. The thunder shook her soul and the rain continued to pour from within her. Sam could not believe or understand why she had to stand beneath a green tent as a pastor read her husband’s eulogy.
Was it possible for her to be numb and hurt all over at the same time? She asked God a thousand times in the past week why He allowed Chris to die. Why He took him from her. She had given her soul to Him the night before and this was how He showed her he cared and loved her? By taking the man she loved tragically away?
She sat outside in the freezing cold as a breeze blew around her and everyone who sat or stood near. She was sitting in between both sets of parents. She was staring at the cherry casket with bloodshot eyes. As the words from the pastor were heartfelt, she felt like dying. What did she have to live for?
Tonya sat directly behind her with her hand resting on Sam’s right shoulder. Junior was nearby as well. She could hear his tough guy walls being torn down as he shed his pain. This should not be happening. She should be the one who was lying there. She should have died at the beach not Chris right before Christmas.
She thought about that. Christmas. The day the entire civilized world celebrated the birth of Jesus Christ. The Son of man. The man who died for everyone’s sins. The perfect man who loved all of them. That was what she had been told all her life, but at that particular moment she wasn’t feeling it. What she was feeling in her heart was anger. Anger so strong she was on the verge of hate and that terrified her.
After the Pastor finished talking and praying everyone that had shown up walked by in front of them and gave their condolences. Many threw a red rose on his casket and some gave her a kiss on her cheek telling her how sorry they were. Did they mean their words? She was sure they did. Chris had been very well liked. His boss had shown up and told her if she needed anything to not hesitate to call him.
“Chris was highly respected there,” he said. “He will be greatly missed.”
“Thank you,” Sam replied. She couldn’t say much else. She could barely speak to anyone.
When it was over Tonya and her father and mother walked her to the car. It was time to leave. She had to walk away and never see her husband again. When the thought of not being able to see his green eyes and smile again slammed into her thoughts she collapsed at her Fathers feet. She became hysterical, not caring who was watching or what they thought. As her parents and Tonya tried to help her stand, tried to calm her and get her into the car, she tried to crawl back to his casket. She wanted to open it and look at him one last time. It was killing her inside not being able to kiss his lips. To not being able to hear his laugh, see his smile or feel his touch again. None of those things would happen again and she didn’t want to accept it.
She wanted to die.
She welcomed death.
***
“She’s finally fallen asleep,” her mother told everyone
when she returned from the bedroom. “I think the Xanax kicked in.”
They all nodded at her words. They were all standing around the table in the dining room of Sam’s and Chris’s apartment. It felt very uncomfortable for them to be there, but they couldn’t even imagine how Sam was feeling. Being back in the apartment where she and Chris had shared so many memories.
“What will she do? Do you think she will be able to handle living here now?” Her mother asked everyone. None of them knew what to say. What could they say?
“I will stay here with her for a while,” Tonya told them. “I talked to my uncle in Florida and he understands. He said I can take all the time that I need. If we have to she can go home with me.”
“Thank you,” Sam’s father said.
Tonya had always liked Sam’s family. Not a large family, but a loving one. Sam’s father was a strong man. Short and slightly bald. A professor at a small university and a loving man. Sam had always talked very fondly of him. Talked many times about memories growing up and how many things they had done together.
Sam’s mother was a little taller than her father and petite, but when she was around you knew who ran the house. Not that she was rude or bossy, but more set in her ways as an Irish woman. She deeply loved Sam, her only child, and it was tearing her up inside to see her baby hurting the way she was. Grayish hair and stern but kind eyes made her look like the woman in the American Gothic painting.
“I think I need to go,” Junior said with a crack in his deep voice. “I’m sorry. Can you please tell Sam I will call her later or tomorrow?” He was looking at Tonya and on the verge of losing his grip on his emotions.
Tonya hugged him and said that she would. “She will understand.”
He nodded and said goodbye to her family and quietly walked out the door. When Junior left there was only the three of them. Sam’s mother went to the kitchen and wiped the counters down even though she did it earlier. Something to do for a minute to keep herself busy. Tonya dried her eyes and walked to the couch and sat while Sam’s father remained standing. He looked lost and Tonya’s heart went out to both of them.
The gloomy feeling was strong in the apartment. Even though the blinds were open and the sunshine illuminated it, it didn’t take away that feeling. It would be a long time before anything would.
Tonya stood and her legs felt weak and shaky. She walked to the bedroom and peered in to check on her best friend. She was lying on her left side away from the door and toward the only window in the room. She couldn’t see her face, but she could hear the heavy breathing one has when they are in a deep sleep. Tonya was glad Sam was able to fall asleep. She was glad Sam’s mother had a few Xanax on her. She only gave her one though because of her heart. She didn’t know now weak it would be.
Tonya quietly stepped into the room and walked around to the other side of the bed to look at her. She sat in the armchair and allowed her eyes to fall upon Sam’s face. The face of a woman hurting more than any one person should have to.
She was amazed at how much pain Sam had been through in such a short time. Having a life-threatening accident while on vacation. Shortly after that a heart attack and open-heart surgery. Could she withstand it? Would she be able to move forward after all of this?
Tonya closed her eyes and lowered her head in prayer. Being a born again Christian herself she was as confused about all of it as anyone would be. She knew she had to hold on somehow though. Sam above anyone else needed her to be strong.
In her mind she talked to God quietly, but knew or at least believed He could still hear her.
“God, why did this happen? I, as well as all of us, am very confused right now. I don’t know what to believe, but I do believe in You. I know You work in mysterious ways, but why this? Is there a reason for it? God, I only ask that You give Samantha comfort and strength right now. Please, help her and please help me to be strong for her. I love her like she’s my sister and I’m very worried about her and her health. Help me to be able to help her. Amen.”
***
Marion stood in the corner of Sam’s bedroom unseen and unheard. There were times she was able to allow herself to be seen as human. She was able to appear as any person that she needed to, but most of the time she didn’t appear to anyone. She was able to do as much of her work unseen than any other time. Right then she was watching Sam and Tonya and her spirit hurt for them to the point that she had to ask herself why certain things did happen.
She wasn’t one to question her Master though. Only He knew what was going on. Only He knew what was best and it wasn’t important for her to know His reasons. She only needed to believe and have faith in Him.
Standing in the far corner she watched Tonya pray and wished she could somehow answer her questions for her. She wished she could lay her hands upon her and Sam and remove their pain. She couldn’t remove it, but she could ease it. She wished she could tell them that things would get better in time if they stay strong and don’t lose their faith. If they don’t give up on God, but Tonya wasn’t the reason she was there. Sam was the one she was worried about. The one who needed comfort and strength and more importantly, prayer.
Marion walked around the bed knowing she was invisible to the human eye until she was next to Tonya and touched her shoulder. She closed her eyes and asked her Master to ease her pain and to help her. She felt a source of power flow from her and into Tonya knowing she would feel better and knowing she would be okay.
She then appeared next to Sam and sat behind her back. She reached over and caressed her hair and admired her beauty. She smiled at the fact that God alone was the best artist in the universe. His greatest creation was mankind even if so many did not believe. Sam was only one of millions of examples at how great an artist He was.
She laid her hand on Sam’s arm and closed her eyes and prayed.
“God. You allowed me to come here to help this child of Yours. You gave me permission to sit here with her right at this moment. You know the suffering she is going through. I ask You Master to give me the power and the ability to do whatever it is You need me to do to help her. I ask You Lord to please help this child. Give her comfort. She is weak and tired and confused. She is on the edge and I am afraid for her. The enemy is here and near. They cannot win. They cannot have her. I ask for Your power, Lord to work with her to help keep her on the right side. In Your holy name, I pray. Amen.”
Marion gazed at Sam then at Tonya and stood. She had a lot of work to do. It may not be easy. A long and bumpy road would stretch before them, but she believed with all her angelic heart that they would overcome. She had to believe.
Chapter Nineteen
Christmas had come and gone without any joy for Sam. She could care less about the holiday. The only person she had wanted to get up early with and enjoy it was gone.
Dead and gone and buried beneath the ground where she couldn’t see him. Where she couldn’t talk to him or hold him. There weren’t any early morning rituals like they had in the past. There wasn’t any unwrapping of presents and laughter and joy. There wasn’t the love they would normally share or the pictures of them being goofy or making love beside the Christmas tree. There wasn’t any of that. For Sam, it was tears and loneliness and heartache and missing Chris.
She lay in bed not wanting to move or do anything else. Like every day since Chris was buried, she barely moved and wondered if she would ever stop crying.
Sam was alone by choice. Her parents drove back to Virginia a couple of days after the funeral. Tonya had flown back to Florida two days ago, for two reasons. She needed to get back to the restaurant and because Sam told her to go. She wanted to be alone. She loved her but couldn’t deal with anything or anyone. She hadn’t been mean; she only asked her to leave. She was alone with her thoughts and feelings. She didn’t even think God was with her.
She hadn’t been talking to God lately. She didn’t know what to say. She was afraid she would say something in anger and make Him mad. She didn’t want to
be mad at Him, but couldn’t help it.
Even though she didn’t want to get out of bed, eventually there wasn’t a choice. Her kidneys were giving her no option. Reluctantly, Sam pushed herself up and went to the bathroom and relieved herself. When she washed her hands she looked in the mirror and what stared back at her shocked her. Even in the mental and emotional state of mind she was in she was taken aback. Her hair was astray with enough tangles to use as rope and the bags under her eyes were heavy. She hadn’t showered in four days and could suddenly smell her own body odor and it sickened her. She noticed she had been blessed with two pimples on her face as well. How nice. But, then again why should she care? What did she have to live for any longer? She didn’t have Chris to impress. She opened the medicine cabinet and looked at the few bottles that sat on its shelves. She had nothing that would ease her pain. Then, she saw the packet of razor blades that Chris used to use when he shaved.
Taking one from the packet she unwrapped the small piece of cardboard from around it. She gazed at the edge and how it shined beneath the bathroom light. The thought of ending it right then and there crossed her mind and she placed the edge of it against her wrist. She began to press down and as a single drop of blood appeared she suddenly trembled and collapsed into tears on the floor. She couldn’t do it.
She didn’t know how long she lay there on the cold linoleum floor. She had cried herself into a coma-like sleep. When she woke up she heard a siren going off up the street outside the apartment. Her left shoulder and hip suddenly hurt from laying on the floor and bolts of agony helped her become more aware. Slowly, she rose and remembered what she almost did and looked at her wrist. The tiny incision and blood had dried and she stared at it.
“Get a grip, girl. You have got to get a grip.”
Realizing she was talking to herself in the third person she turned to the shower and turned the hot water on. She undressed and let her pajamas lie where she had stood. She stepped in and added enough cold water as to not scorch herself. She stood beneath the stream of hot water and soaked herself. The water relaxed her muscles and washed away some of the nastiness she had begun to feel. She took her time since there was no reason to rush. She shaved her legs and washed her hair and lathered herself twice in order to feel clean again. When she stepped out and in front of the mirror she had started to get wrinkles from being beneath the water for so long.
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