“Oh, Jeff, that’s bad.”
“Well, son of a bitch, they all look the same when they’re that young.”
His look of incredulity and the enormity of what his day had been like, struck Roni all at once. She started giggling and it turned into uncontrollable hysterics. Jeff, unable to resist, soon joined in. After several minutes, they were able to stop, but only if they didn’t look at each other. It took some time before they could regain their composure. Roni’s stomach hurt and her head pounded. It had been awhile since she’d laughed that hard, and it felt good for a change. She was able to push thoughts of Selena away, albeit for the moment.
“You do know you’re never going to live that down. Beth won’t let you.”
“Neither will Mom. She was so mad at me. Probably still is.”
“Who, Mom?”
“Beth. Well, no doubt Mom too.”
“Where was Dad during this whole clusterfuck?”
“Branding calves.” He looked at her indignantly. “Dad hasn’t helped with the branding in years, and he conveniently picks that day. I swear it was a conspiracy.”
She started to snicker again and bit her lip to stop. “Dad couldn’t possibly have known that Beth was going to have the baby that day.”
“I think he had a vision.” He shook his head. “Hopefully Beth will have gotten over it by the time I get back.”
“She’s still mad?”
“You know how she holds a grudge. She swore she was never going to have sex with me again.”
Roni fought another snicker. “She told me that long before she delivered.”
“She did? Crap. She’s probably having divorce papers drawn up right now.” He followed an imaginary sentence with his finger in the air. “Seeking divorce because of irreconcilable idiocy.”
“You’re being ridiculous. Beth loves you. Yes, sometimes you get on her nerves, but you do mine too, so what’s the big deal? She’s not going to kick you out.”
“Would you if it happened to you?”
“Well, yes, but I’m not having sex with you.” She faked a shudder and smiled reassuringly. “Jeff, when Selena gets back, go home for a while. Beth needs you, and you’re not doing her any good up here.”
“I’ll think about it. Maybe I can bring Beth and the baby up here in a few weeks. We can use the same packs Mom and Dad used to put us in. What do you think?”
“I think that would be absolutely great!” She meant every word. Since Selena’s absence, her mind often wandered to Beth and the fun and mischief they used to get into. Having Beth up here would be just like old times, except with the addition of the midget.
Chapter Seventeen
THEY SPENT THE next two days cutting wood for the following year. As unpredictable as the weather was in the Bitterroots, a good supply of wood on hand all the time was essential. Jeff amused Roni with more stories of Beth and the baby, and she filled him in on the plane crash mission.
After stacking the last of the wood, she retrieved Sparky from the meadow, groomed and saddled him, and rode into the forest. Still keeping Selena’s observations forefront in her mind, she meandered through the tall old growth pines and eventually halted him at the beginning of an old elk trail that ended at a rushing creek. The path was wide and well worn, probably from generations of elk hooves. It was also very steep.
As she reached down to pat him on the neck, she said, “Okay, big guy. Let’s see if we can keep from going ass over tin cup down this hill.”
She tapped him with her calves to urge him forward, and he backed up in response. She loosened the reins and waited for him to stop and relax.
“Come on now, you can do this.”
Sparky walked toward the trailhead and backed yet again. After the fifth time, Roni was at odds at what to do. If she climbed off and led him, he’d probably follow her. But it wouldn’t teach him self-confidence while she was on his back.
Keeping a stronger leg on him, she got him to start somewhat willingly down the path. Suddenly he stopped and tried to back up again.
She yanked on the reins. “Whoa! What the hell are you doing?”
Her heart rate jumped, and her hands broke out in a sweat. If Sparky had backed off the side, or tried to turn around, it would have been disastrous. Suddenly it occurred to her what was wrong. And if she wasn’t sitting on a nervous horse, on the side of a steep grade, she would’ve slapped herself silly.
Normally, when going down a hill, she would automatically hold her legs away from the horse’s side, thereby not pushing him, and allowing him to pick his own pace. Sparky apparently needed that contact. Once again she pushed him forward with her legs. He responded by walking forward, flicking his ears back to listen. She kept her legs pasted to his side and lifted the reins to encourage him to raise his head and keep his weight on his hind end. She kept up a running repertoire of cheerful words in a confident voice. In a few minutes, they were standing at the bottom, next to the creek.
She loosened the reins and let the horse drink. A feeling of euphoria swept over her. She dismounted and wrapped her arms around Sparky’s neck and praised him.
“You’re teaching me a new way to ride, mister.” She stroked his sweat-moistened neck. She put her foot in the stirrup and, in a few moments, turned him uphill and went back home.
At the cabin, her happiness dissipated when the revelation hit her that Selena still wasn’t back. She purposely didn’t talk much about Selena. With every passing day, she relinquished a little more hope that they would get to know each other better. Upon opening her eyes in the morning, moodiness replaced expectations. Jeff may not have noticed the lack of casual conversation regarding Selena, but she was sure he became aware of her increasing grumpiness.
“What the hell is wrong with you lately?” he said at breakfast the third morning after his return.
She turned a scowling face his way. “Nothing and no, I don’t want to talk about it.”
She got up from the table and stormed out the door with her coffee. She heard him mumbling something but didn’t understand anything he said except for the word “bitch.” That proved to be the final straw. She threw the remnants of coffee off the porch and went back in. He looked up, surprised. Puller ran and hid under the woodstove.
“You know what, Jeff? Did you ever think that I might want more out of this life than playing third wheel to everybody? No, it probably never occurred to you did it? You got what you wanted.”
“Roni, calm down,” he said as he got up from his chair.
“Goddammit, don’t tell me to calm down. You sit there with a smug look on your face because you have Beth. And you had a baby with her. What about me? Didn’t it strike you as weird that I wouldn’t come to your house for a while? Or want to be around the two of you because you were always hanging onto Beth?”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t realize that—”
“You’re right. You don’t realize that I’m holding myself together with spit and gum. You’re not. You’re too busy with your life, and I can’t do anything but concentrate on keeping myself together.” Tears formed in her eyes. She didn’t want him to see her cry. She didn’t let anyone see her cry. Crying was for the weak. She pushed past him, went into her bedroom, and pulled on her vest, boots, and chaps. Without looking at him, she shoved her Stetson down on her head, grabbed the rifle, and called a hesitant Puller to her side.
“Where are you going?”
“None of your damned business. What the fuck do you care anyway?”
She slammed the door behind her and marched to the pole barn. The jingle of Puller’s tags followed behind as he ran to keep up with her. Still fighting her tears, she pulled her saddle and the bridle down and headed toward the meadow. The horses picked up their heads and watched her. Chenoa nickered to her and Sparky walked in her direction. She was at odds as to which horse to use to make her escape. Since Puller was going with her, she whistled for Chenoa, who responded by cantering to her. While she’d been spending most o
f her time in the saddle on Sparky, the more experienced gelding had been given some much needed down time.
Saddle secure and bridle in place, she gathered Puller into the vest pocket and mounted. She took off at a gallop, sending clumps of sod high in the air behind her, and scattering the rest of the herd. Just before she entered the woods, she heard Sparky’s whinny. Despite her ugly mood, that alone put a smile on her face and warmed her heart. She reached down and patted Chenoa’s neck.
“It seems like you’ve got some competition, big boy.”
Puller’s tail whipped against her stomach, probably responding to her calmer voice. She stroked his head and let him lick her hand, and her mood improved a tad more.
The sky was bright blue above the tall pines. A few gray jays flitted about playfully as she rode by. She loosened the reins and let Chenoa choose his gait. The gentle creaking of the saddle combined with the soft plodding of hooves in the forest litter relaxed her like a sedative. The smell of pine resin mingled with sweat: the horse’s and hers.
She knew in her heart she shouldn’t have gone off on Jeff the way she did. He had no idea she was in love with his wife. With Selena around, she’d honestly thought her feelings for Beth had diminished or at least been redirected. Maybe it was because all of a sudden she felt so alone. Not an emotion she was familiar with. She reflected on the difference of being single and being by oneself. She didn’t mind spending time on her own and actually enjoyed her periodic seclusion in the woods. But that didn’t forego the desire to have someone nested in her heart and soul.
She guessed, if she was going to be honest with herself, she might have even fallen a bit in love with Selena during the weeks they’d been together on the mountain. Selena made mundane chores fun, like doing the dishes and cleaning the cabin. She had come to trust her on their rides and appreciated her intuitiveness. She knew Selena had her back. They’d worked together so well, somehow instinctively knowing what the other was going to do. She flashed back to the morning they’d found the plane. She’d thought they were on the right track toward really getting to know each other to an intimate degree. Until Kim showed up. Suddenly her mood blackened again.
She barely glanced at the elk-marked poplar tree as she came to the stream at the base of the mountain. Because she’d been to the hot springs so many times before, she dropped the reins. Chenoa knew the way.
Normally she would’ve let Puller run the last hundred yards to the springs. But she wanted to scope out the area first to make sure the lion was nowhere near. Rifle in hand, she rode the perimeter of the meadow, keeping a sharp eye out for spore and tracks. Satisfied at seeing none, she pointed Chenoa toward the pools, already looking forward to basking in the hot water.
She dismounted, let Puller out of the vest, and tied the reins up, leaving enough slack so the horse could graze. She left the saddle on with the girth tight. She took every precaution to keep them safe while at the springs. Except for one. In her haste to leave the cabin, she’d neglected to pack a handheld radio. It was a cardinal rule she’d instituted herself, and one she’d now broken for the second time this season.
The rifle lay within easy reach on top of the clothing draped over the rock while she eased into the water, still wearing her hat and sunglasses. She put her back to Chenoa and kept a keen eye on the expanse of meadow in front of her. Fortunately, despite the ideal growing weather, the resident herd of elk and mule deer grazed the grasses too short for the mountain lion to use for effective cover. Unless it was able to hide behind the stalks of lupines and daisies, she doubted the cat would be able to make an undetected stalk.
A late morning breeze brushed her face and cooled her upper body as she basked in the superheated water. A golden eagle circled in the thermals overhead and moved off to the north. Puller sat on her clothes, keeping watch. That didn’t surprise her. After all, he’d alerted her to the initial presence of the lion the last time she’d been here. It was comforting to know Puller and Chenoa watched over and protected her.
The relaxing effect of the water and the solitude of the area erased Roni’s bad mood. Every minute, she felt more like her old self. The morning’s emotional tidal wave eventually dulled to a point where she felt she owed Jeff a huge apology. She was fortunate to have a brother like Jeff and a dear friend in Beth, and she chastised herself for thinking otherwise. Subconsciously she’d always known Beth was unavailable. But her heart just would not listen to reason. Since that bridge had been crossed, she’d come to a decision. No more would she believe a life partner was a reality for her. She’d build an impenetrable wall around her heart. Roni vowed she was done with women. Trusting herself was easier.
It was getting late and if she wanted to get back to the cabin before dark, she’d have to leave in a little while. Wispy clouds were moving in, undoubtedly bringing rain by morning. She’d been sitting on the rock in the waning sun, but the wind had picked up and had brought a chill with it. Goose flesh peppered Roni’s skin so she opted to treat herself to one more soak to warm up before heading back. She eased into the water, leaned against the rock, and closed her eyes. Until then, she’d been vigilant about keeping watch. A couple minutes of shut-eye wouldn’t hurt. Surely Chenoa and Puller would alert her if the cat showed up.
“Is this a private party?”
Her eyes flew open. Did she just hear Selena’s voice? She must have been dreaming or her mind was playing tricks on her. She sighed and shut them again. A minute passed.
“Roni?”
Startled, she twirled around, slipped, and went under. She came up spitting water. She reached for the hat floating on the surface and replaced it on her head. Selena sat on horseback with an amused grin stretching her lips.
“What the hell?” Roni looked at Puller. He sat on her clothes wagging his tail wildly as he stared at Selena. Chenoa stood half asleep, resting his back leg. “Some guard animals you are.”
She tried to ignore the pounding in her chest and the rush of adrenaline through her at seeing Selena. She was more beautiful than Roni remembered. She shook her head and silently repeated her earlier vows. But her resolve was beginning to weaken. She’d missed Selena more than she thought and much more than she would admit to herself.
Selena got off her horse and walked toward Roni’s clothes. She pulled the shirt out from under Puller and held it. “Are you okay?”
She felt Selena’s appraising eyes graze her body as she walked out of the water. She refused to feel self-conscious. Nevertheless, the cool wind caused her nipples to harden, and Roni was very conscious of that. She stood naked in front of Selena and wondered if her feelings were just as exposed.
“I’m fine,” she said curtly and took the shirt. She turned her back and put on the rest of her clothes. Selena was silent. “When did you get back?”
“Jeff said I must have just missed you this morning. He said you’d probably be down here.”
“How’d you find me?” Fully dressed except for her boots, she turned and glowered at Selena.
Selena looked at her guiltily. “I put the coordinates in my GPS when we passed through last week.”
“Oh.” Roni bent down and Puller crawled into her vest. Had it only been last week? It sure seemed a lot longer than that. She walked over to Chenoa and untied the reins from the saddle horn. “We should get going so we’ll be back before dark.”
Selena followed her to her horse. “Roni,” she said, putting a hand on her arm, “we need to talk.”
“Not here. We need to go.” She put her foot in the stirrup and pulled herself up. “It’s too dangerous to be out at night.”
“What are you talking about? We’ve ridden in the dark before.” Selena moved toward her horse and mounted.
“Did Kim make you forget there’s a mountain lion around? Did she make you forget everything?” She didn’t wait for an answer and dug her heals into Chenoa’s side. The horse grunted and took off at a canter. Roni didn’t look back to see if Selena followed. The flicking of Chenoa
’s ears told her he was listening to the horse behind him.
Just before the tree line, Selena suddenly raced past her and came to a halt in front of Roni’s horse.
Roni yanked hard on the reins. Chenoa skidded to a stop, before barely running full force into the side of Selena’s horse. “Fuck! Are you trying to kill us both?”
“I don’t understand why you’re being such a bitch to me. Talk to me, Roni. Don’t run away.”
Tears welled up in Selena’s eyes. Roni looked away. God, she felt totally off her stride around Selena. A roller-coaster ride of unexpected emotions welled up inside her.
“I’m sorry,” she said, still refusing to meet Selena’s eyes.
Selena turned her horse and moved him alongside Roni. “Please look at me. I need to talk to you. Can we spare a few minutes and go back to the springs?”
Roni turned her head and looked into Selena’s eyes. She was so beautiful it hurt. She knew they needed to get this over with. She’d already figured Selena was getting back with Kim, and the bomb was about to drop.
“Yeah, I guess.” Roni’s heart grew heavier with every step her horse took. She tried to steel herself for what Selena was going to tell her.
Before dismounting, she took a quick glance around the meadow to make sure they were alone. Seeing nothing, she got off the horse and let Puller out. Her legs felt rubbery and her head pounded. All at once she realized she’d been looking forward to, and at the same time dreading, Selena’s return for a while. She closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and let it out.
“Okay, let’s get this over with.” She resolutely sat down on one of the boulders surrounding the pools, crossed her arms over her chest, and waited.
Selena looked at her quizzically. “I’m guessing you’re mad because I was gone for so long.” Roni opened her mouth.
Selena raised her hand “I’ll talk, you listen.”
Roni nodded slightly.
“First of all, I’m sorry about what happened up at the plane crash. I would never in a million years have expected to see Kim come out of that helicopter. I’m even sorrier that I had to go with her, but because of the condition of the crash victims, I felt it necessary. They’re doing well, by the way.” Selena paced back and forth in front of Roni as though she was trying to maintain her train of thought.
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