by E. L. Todd
My hands trembled as the realization hit me.
“I think that’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever heard.”
I looked away, unable to meet his gaze.
“Silke, look at me,” he said quietly.
I didn’t.
“Beauty.”
I closed my eyes at that nickname. It carried so much weight alone. I turned back to him.
“You will be alright.”
I held his gaze for a long time before I averted it.
Arsen didn’t touch me or make a move in my direction. He sat beside me and kept his hands to himself.
I wasn’t sure what I was feeling. Perhaps guilt? I felt terrible for Pike. He never had a chance. “What about you?”
“What about me?” he asked.
“There had to be someone—some connection or passing.”
He shook his head. “Not a single one.”
“Are you lying to me?” I asked.
“Have I ever lied to you before?” He rested his hands in his lap and seemed calm.
“There’s no logic in that argument.”
“No, I’m not lying. And I have no reason to. It’s already going to take immense work to get you back into my life. Even if I did sleep with someone, I don’t think it would make it easier or harder.”
The answer satisfied me.
“In prison there were no women anyway. And once I was out of prison, I was working hard to put my life back together. I didn’t have time for girls, and I was focused on one girl anyway. After having you, I couldn’t imagine ever being with anyone else. I may not have appreciated it at the time, but I can’t erase the past. Everything was right in front of me.”
At least he appreciated me, even if it was two years too late.
“I masturbated often though.” He said it simply and without embarrassment. “And I always thought about you.”
My cheeks blushed even though I wished they wouldn’t, and I looked away so he wouldn’t see. Against my will, the idea of him touching himself got me hot. I felt dirty for being so aroused by just a mere thought. It brought me more excitement than Pike ever did, no offense to him.
“Did you sleep with him?” Arsen asked.
The question brought me back to earth. I was sidelined by his bluntness and wasn’t sure what to say. Pike and I were together for six months. He really thought no sex was involved?
“I’m sorry,” he said. “I crossed a line, didn’t I?”
“You already know the answer, Arsen.”
He nodded. “I had a feeling…”
I watched his face, seeing if he was upset or angry.
He wasn’t. “I’m not jealous or angry. You weren’t mine at the time. You were in that situation because I put you there. How could I be upset with you?”
I didn’t expect him to be so mature about it. He was never that calm and understanding when we were together. If a guy even looked at me, his jealous side came out.
“Do you remember that time we had sex in the bathroom of that bar? Against the wall?”
I’d never forget it. We had a little too much to drink and we couldn’t wait until we got home. He lifted me against the stall wall and thrust into me hard. Just the thought made me wet. “Yeah.”
“That’s what I think about when I jerk off. It was so carnal…we acted like animals.”
“We were animals,” I corrected.
“For being a virgin, you sure knew how to act like you weren’t.”
I remembered the first time we were together. Arsen was gentle and slow, but not because he knew he was breaking me in. “I’m surprised you didn’t notice.”
“I just assumed you were tight because…” He shrugged. “I have a big dick, frankly.”
I chuckled for the first time. “Oh my god.”
“What?” He smiled while he nudged me in the side. “What am I supposed to say? That’s the honest reason why I didn’t realize I was popping your cherry.”
“Where’s the humility you were showing a while ago?”
“I don’t have humility. I’m just honest. And I know I have a big dick. I knew it as soon as I hit puberty and I had a difficult time wrapping my hand around my shaft when I masturbated.”
I laughed again. “Oh, I feel so bad for you.”
He laughed. “And then the ladies came flying…”
I shook my head and kept laughing.
Arsen turned serious and stared at me. “I miss this—us.”
I swallowed the lump in my throat and felt the emotion burn in my eyes. “I do too.”
His eyes bore into mine until he dropped the look.
I was aware of how close we were to each other, so I pulled my knees to my chest, like that would help keep us apart.
Arsen watched me. “Your mom and dad made it sound like Pike was a really nice guy.”
I released a sarcastic laugh.
“What?” he asked. “Did I miss something?”
“My parents were jerks to him.”
Arsen stared forward for a moment then turned back to me. “I’m sorry, I just have a hard time picturing that.”
“They were. Mom was worse. She would ignore him entirely and not even look at him. She did her best to make him unwelcome without actually saying it. My dad wasn’t much better even though he made the effort.”
“Why?”
I turned to him. “You know why. At the time, I didn’t.”
His eyes seemed distant, like he was thinking of something deeply. Then his eyes refocused. “Your parents really hoped we would get back together. They still want that.”
“Oh, I know,” I said bitterly. “But they have no right to control my love life.”
“I think your parents love you more than anything else in the world and they want nothing but the best for you. And they think I’m the best for you.” His voice died at the end.
When he said it like that, I realized it would be nearly impossible to move on from Arsen. Any guy I brought home wouldn’t be welcomed, and they would always invite Arsen over whenever I came by. I would never escape him, not until I gave him a chance.
“I understand why you’re so distrusting of me. No one can hold that against you. I just hope you realize I’m the man for you, and that I’ll always be here waiting for you, just as you were always waiting for me.”
When he said things like that it made me lose my nerve.
Silence stretched between us and neither one of us spoke. Somehow, the quiet was worse than the conversation. I could vaguely hear him breathe. My blood was loud in my ears. My muscles were tight with tension. Anytime we didn’t speak, I thought about what else we did without speaking. It made my ears feel warm and the area between my legs pool with moisture. That kiss was enough of an indicator of how good it would be.
Arsen leaned toward me then hooked his arm around my waist.
My body tightened in response, unsure what he was doing. He promised he wouldn’t kiss me so why was he coming so close to me? And why didn’t I fight it? Arsen moved me to my back and then he lay beside me. A pillow was there for our heads and we faced each other.
Arsen’s face was an inch from mine but he didn’t come any closer. He retracted his arm back to his body, and his legs didn’t tangle with mine. There were a few inches in between us, no man’s land.
He continued to stare, unashamed to make full contact with me.
I stared back at him, not wanting to look away. Even when I closed my eyes, I could feel his gaze penetrate me. He was giving me nowhere to hide. He was cornering me like a dog, telling me I couldn’t get away.
And I didn’t want to get away.
I opened my eyes and saw his again. They were bright orbs that reminded me of artic springs, new streams from the approach of warm weather. His eyes reminded me of everything I thought was beautiful in the world.
Being face-to-face was making me weak. He was there, so close and within reach. I felt the need swell up inside me, the need to feel him and know he was re
al. I trusted him in so many ways, but I didn’t at the same time.
Arsen kept his hands to himself, not pressuring me to do anything. If he were going to kiss me, he would have done it by now.
I breathed hard, feeling my body betray me. I wanted to wrap my arms around him and hold him close, but my unforgiving mind wouldn’t allow it. But the war wouldn’t last long, and my limbs were breaking free of the inhibitions. My heart had joined the battle, and there was no competition.
My arms moved around his neck and I moved closer to him, crossing no man’s land. Just when I touched him, he touched me. His arm moved around my waist and settled there, pulling me to him and never letting go. My leg moved over his hip, and like always, we fit together perfectly.
Now our faces were touching. His forehead was pressed to mine. His warm breath fell on my face. My fingers explored his hair, feeling the soft strands I used to finger while he slept.
Arsen pulled me closer until there was no space between us. His chest felt hard against mine, like a slab of concrete. Every time it rose and pressed against me, it felt thick. His hand glided up my arm and tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. The he returned it to my waist
I stared at him and felt weak. A damn had been broken and I didn’t know how to close it. Everything came out in a rush. “I needed you and you left…” I sniffed and closed my eyes.
“I know,” he whispered. “I’m sorry.”
“I thought about you every day and I just wanted to forget about you. I wanted to move on from you.”
He wiped my tears away with the pad of his thumb.
“I always tried to bring you closer to me but you pushed me away. Nothing I did got through to you.”
“You’re wrong, Beauty. You did get through to me.”
“I just felt like nothing I did made a difference. You said so many terrible things to me…”
“And I wish I could take them all back.”
“You never let me love you.”
He took a deep breath and closed his eyes for a moment. Then he reopened them. “I’m ready to let you love me now.”
“But that’s the thing…now I’m not sure if I can let you love me…”
His eyes watered. “Well, I’m going to whether you let me or not. Day after day I will. And one day, you’ll accept it just as I have. We’ll get there, Beauty. We will.”
I clung to him tighter and closed my eyes, willing the tears to stop. I hated crying. It was weak and pathetic. I refused to do it but it seemed impossible. I concentrated on my breathing until it returned to normal. Then I felt better, warm in his embrace.
“I’ll never give up as long as I live,” he whispered. “You are my family. Abby is my family. The three of us are a family.”
***
The closer I got to Saturday, the more nervous I became. I was spending the day with Abby and Arsen at the beach.
And she asked for me to come.
My feelings were all over the place. When Arsen was sensitive and sweet, I knew there was no reason to hold back. He was a different person now. He would never break my heart, and he would keep it safe. He was in a much better place. If I doubted he could let me love him, all I had to do was look at he and Abby.
They clearly loved each other.
But I still kept my distance. My heart was meshed back together, but like frozen icicles it was brittle and fragile. One small movement could shatter everything and leave nothing behind.
I had to be careful.
Arsen knocked on the door just as I put my bag on the table. I wore a purple bikini with a pink dress over it. A sun hat sat on my head to keep the sun’s rays from penetrating my fair skin.
I opened the door. “Hey.”
Abby stood at my feet, and she raised her arms in the air in excitement. “We’re going to the beach!”
I smiled at the sight of her. She was so cute it should be illegal. If she had Girl Scout cookies, I’d buy them all. “It’s going to be a fun day.”
Abby ran to my waist and hugged me. “Please come!”
“Of course I’m coming.” I kneeled and hugged her. Her nose was covered with a distinct strip of sunblock and her black hair was in a high ponytail.
“Yay! Daddy and I want to play with you.”
This girl was killing me. “Me too.” I stood up then looked at Arsen.
He wore a gray t-shirt that showed his bulging arms and highlighted his massive chest. It contrasted against the blue color of his eyes, bringing them out and making them sparkle. Red swim trunks hung low on his hips and I tried not to imagine how he would look shirtless.
When I didn’t say anything, he spoke. “Thanks for spending the day with us.”
“Yeah…” I always lost my cool when he was around. I just saw him a few days ago, and we slept together on the couch. In the morning, I said goodbye as he went to work. Now I was nervous all over again.
He was patient. “Ready?”
I returned to my bag and shouldered it. “Yep.”
“Let’s go.” He turned to Abby. “Come on, sweetheart.” He extended his hand to take hers.
Abby ran to me and extended her arms, telling me she wanted to be picked up.
Arsen grinned at her actions.
I lifted her from the ground then rested her on my hip. “Let’s head out.”
***
Arsen drove to the beach and parked. It was odd seeing him drive a car. All I’d ever seen him in is a motorcycle. Even though it was a Honda, something a mom would drive, he pulled it off.
Abby pointed through the window from her car seat. “I see the water.”
“We’re almost there,” Arsen said. He got out and removed Abby from her car seat. Then he shouldered his backpack and carried her at the same time. I walked beside him, feeling my toes hit the warm sand.
“Daddy, you walk so slow,” Abby complained.
He laughed. “Sand is a little difficult to walk through.”
We found a secluded spot in the sand, away from the others, and set our stuff down. Arsen opened his bag and drew out a few towels and toys for Abby. After we were set up, we lay down.
“I’m going to go swimming!” Abby stood up and began to run.
“Whoa, hold on.” Arsen snatched her and dragged her back. “Do not go in the water unless Daddy goes with you.”
“But—”
“Abby.” Arsen’s authoritative tone made me flinch. He was always so sweet to Abby. This protective and disciplinary side was new. “Do you understand me?”
She sighed. “Yes, Dad.” She called him Dad whenever she wasn’t getting her way. “Can I go by the water?”
“You may.” He released her.
Abby maneuvered across the sand, falling over sometimes since she wasn’t used to it. When she got to the water’s edge, she stopped and stared at the incoming waves.
Arsen watched her like a hawk.
“I guess being a parent isn’t as easy as it looks,” I said.
Arsen glanced at me then watched Abby again. “No, it’s not. We have a lot of fun together, but in the back of my mind, I’m always afraid something will happen to her. I’m afraid she’ll trip and hit her head on a table. I’m afraid she’ll run too fast and fall over. I’m afraid she’ll take off with a stranger. The fear never ends.”
I nodded. “Well, you’re doing a great job, for what it’s worth.”
“Thanks.” He continued to watch Abby.
“Any close calls?” I asked.
He sat up and rested his arms on his knees. “When I had her on my own for the first time, she said her mouth hurt. She couldn’t eat anything hard. It scared me so I took her to the dentist. Apparently, she had a chipped tooth that needed to be repaired. It was minor and easily fixed, but I was scared out of my mind.”
I could imagine Arsen, a brand new father, trying to figure out how to take care of his daughter. “You did the right thing. You have good instincts.”
“When she said she was hurting, it made me hurt.
All I wanted to do was make the pain go away.”
I nodded in understanding.
“Daddy!”
Arsen watched her. “What?”
She got closer to the water, and purposely being defiant, she raised her foot to touch the water.
He tried not to grin. “Don’t you dare.”
She giggled then brought her foot closer.
“I’m warning you, Abby.”
She laughed then stuck her foot in the water.
“Big mistake, Abby.” He stood up and pulled his shirt off.
Yowza.
His chest was wide and thick, showing his power and strength. The area over his ribs was chiseled and defined. Every time he moved, the muscles rippled in his wake. His stomach was hard like a washboard, and his eight pack was easily visible in the light. His shoulders were just as toned.
My god, he’s hot.
His body used to be toned and defined, and I was immensely attracted to him. But now he was thick like a bear, and strong like a beast. He was the kind of guy you saw on a firefighter calendar.
I kept staring, wishing I would stop.
Goddammit, Silke. Get your shit together.
Arsen jogged to Abby near the water’s edge.
I stared at his ass like a pervert.
Knock it off, Silke!
Arsen reached the water then snatched Abby into his arms. “What did Daddy say?”
She giggled. “I don’t remember…”
He laughed then carried her into the water. The waves were tame and Arsen didn’t have a problem carrying her into the sea. The further they went Abby became more frightened.
“I don’t know how to swim…” Abby gripped his shoulders.
“It’s okay, sweetheart. I got you.” He stopped when the water reached his chest. “It’s nice, huh?”
“Yeah.” She splashed in the water and tried not to look down.
I watched them, unable to stop grinning.
Arsen turned to me. “Come on. The water is warm.”
I didn’t want to be left out of all the fun. I removed my hat then peeled my dress off. When I looked up after kicking off my sandals, Arsen was staring at me. But he looked away in an attempt to act like he wasn’t.