‘Enough,’ Iain said, though his hand tightened on hers.
Noni knew it could be the last time they ever made love. Why not? As long as …
‘Boy scout?’
Her question made him smile and pat his wallet. ‘Yes, but no.’
She decided she was glad as they held each other until their hearts stopped pounding and gentleness returned and they could do what they had come to do. To talk.
So they lay side by side and finally, to her relief, he asked about her work, her worries and all the things he’d adroitly and not-so-adroitly avoided when she’d wanted to share her worries with him. But he didn’t talk about why they were here.
After a while, they fell silent until Noni began to notice the twigs and small stones only partially shielded by the blanket. His eyes were half closed as he watched her fidget.
‘Iain?’
‘Hmm?’
‘This bed has suddenly become quite lumpy.’
Iain half laughed and rolled onto his back to pull her on top of him. ‘Let me look at you.’ He ran his hands up the sides of her face and cupped her cheeks. ‘You are incredible.’
She stared down at this man who had permeated her life with such impact. Yes, she loved him. Probably would always love him. They should be able to work things out. She didn’t want to think further than that.
He slid his hand behind her neck and pulled her face down to his for a swift kiss.
‘Perhaps, we should devour some of that food instead of each other,’ she suggested.
‘Sounds good. Where did we leave our stuff?’ She started to giggle then sank her cheek on his chest and laughed into the solid wall.
They stepped out from the shelter of the trees and found their supplies. Noni reopened the blanket in a patch of late-afternoon sunlight and unpacked the hamper. They ate, leaning against each other and staring at the ripples in the water. Finally, Iain cleared his throat and broached what he’d wanted to say.
‘I don’t want to go back to Sydney without you, Noni.’
So, it had come. He did want her with him. But on what terms? Noni waited for her heartbeat to settle back to normal. How easy it would be just to say yes, and not worry about the future or the lies or the risk. It was hard to imagine Iain not being there, but she had more to fight for.
‘Some things would have to change,’ she said. ‘I’ve lived in the same house with you for the last six weeks and I still know very little about you. I could live with you for a year and still not know you.’
‘What do you want to know?’
‘Lots of things.’
He picked up a blade of grass and tried chewing it. ‘Shoot.’
‘If I shoot you I’ll never know.’
‘True.’
So, she asked the questions she wanted answers to. ‘Tell me why you lied to me, for a start.’
He took the grass out of his mouth and threw it away.
She went on. ‘I’d like you to explain your reasons for keeping me at a distance. I’d like to know where you met Jacinta’s mother and I’d like to know about your family.’ Now that she’d started, she found it hard to stop.
He reached out and lifted her fingers to rest them in his palm. ‘All of that and more, eh?’ He squeezed her hand. ‘I’m not particularly proud of the deceptions about my job, but I do think that’s all part of my defence against a particular blonde-haired mini-bombshell that I was trying to stop myself from racing off with.’
He leaned his head back and stared up at the branches overhead as if marshalling his thoughts. Then he looked back at her. ‘You see, here I was, finally meeting my commitment to my long-lost daughter, and there you were, distracting me. It was very disconcerting.’
He spread his hands as if asking her to understand. ‘Then there was the hospital-staff shortage, which I knew I could help with but I wanted to avoid a situation where you knew I was an obstetrician. I didn’t want to fight about it. I’m not a general practitioner who can turn my hand to all. To be honest, your one-horse town hospital is a little out of my comfort zone. I’m used to having a back-up emergency team and I didn’t want to put myself out there for litigation if I stuffed up. But I see it’s not like that here. And I didn’t need the team. I might be rusty at some things I haven’t done since my training but I could re-learn the rest. So to lie to you was wrong.’ He shook his head. ‘To do it twice was lunacy and I’m sorry. I guess it’s true that one lie leads to another.’
He sighed. ‘As for keeping you at a distance – again, that was self-protection. I haven’t had much long-term success with the women in my life. And most of it has been my fault.’
She tilted her head and looked quizzically at him. ‘This doesn’t sound like the Iain I know.’
‘As you said before, you don’t know me well. Perhaps I’m afraid that if you did know me you might not like what you see.’
She tilted her head to study him and then said tongue-in-cheek, ‘You could be fine with a few minor adjustments.’
His eyes dared her. Promising her a run for her money if she thought she could change him. ‘And you think you’re up for it?’
‘I might be.’ Noni said it sedately. ‘Tell me about your childhood.’
He laughed once. ‘What’s there to tell? My father walked out and left me with my mother when I was very young. But at least he left us very well provided for. Unlike Jacinta.’ He twisted another blade of grass between his fingers. ‘I vowed I would never do to my children what he did to me. But it seems I did. Only worse.’
Noni felt his pain. ‘You didn’t know about Jacinta.’
‘That doesn’t make it right.’ His sigh came from the depths of his chest and she wanted to stroke his arm. But if she touched him …
‘Tell me about your mother,’ she said. They needed these conversations more than she needed to touch him. Just.
‘This is a far-reaching discussion.’ He looked up at the sky again as if for inspiration. ‘My mother …’ He ran his fingers through his hair, taking a few moments, as though he didn’t quite know how to start. ‘I didn’t understand my mother,’ he began. ‘And never will now that she’s gone. Such a bitter woman. I had quite a few “uncles” who didn’t stay in the picture long, and I don’t think I learned how to have a long-lasting relationship. The women I fell for, the relationships I tried, most were a dismal failure.’ He ticked them off his fingers. ‘Jacinta’s mother. Well, I was young. Seventeen and just finished school. A year early. I’m rather smart,’ he said smugly.
‘Smart alec,’ she corrected.
‘Tsk. As I was saying, my mother disliked me, and I was about to dive into my medical training when I met Adele. It wasn’t planned. I was waiting for my results when I saw her. Just saw her walking in town one day and followed her home. Adele was so funny and sweet. So different to anyone I’d met. Her age only intrigued me more.’
‘Precocious child.’
‘Look who’s talking.’ He fondled a twig he’d picked up, staring into the distance. ‘She was such a stunningly beautiful woman and I think to start with she felt amused that I’d fallen for her. I can see now I was infatuated. I asked her to marry me numerous times during those crazy few months, but she always laughed and refused.’
He took a sip of his coffee she’d poured from the thermos, seeming to savour the taste. ‘Then, one day, she changed. It was as if she couldn’t stand the sight of me and eventually, I stopped trying to see her. She gave me the impression that she had a new lover, although I never heard of anyone with her. Obviously, now, I realise she was pregnant.’
He sighed for the lost communication he should have had. ‘Not long after that I went away to uni, and proceeded to skip from one disastrous relationship to another until I’d had enough failures and simply abstained. Five years later I met my wife, Wendy, a nurse at King George Hospital, and we were married in haste to repent at leisure. The ironic part about it was Wendy couldn’t have children. It’s hard not to wonder if our marriage would have been diffe
rent if we’d been able to be parents – or if Adele had told us of Jacinta’s birth.’ He drained his cup as if he deserved the bitterness, and stared into its empty centre.
Noni squeezed his other hand. ‘Perhaps Adele felt it would have ruined your life – or tied her to a man she had nothing in common with.’
He looked up. His gaze narrowed. ‘Are you condoning her behaviour?’
Frustrated that he couldn’t look at it from Adele’s point of view, one that gelled with Noni, she volleyed back at him, ‘Are you damning her without knowing the full story?’
They glared at each other across the rug until they both saw the damage. How had they got into this after what they had just been through? It was almost as if they were on a self-destruct mission.
Noni knew she should be steering the conversation away from this topic. Or she could just get it out in the open.
Iain looked as if he was over telling his past. He was focused on the future. ‘Are you coming to Sydney with me or not?’ Back to his own agenda.
Talking just didn’t work for them. But she had to clear the air before they went any further. ‘That’s a big ask, Iain. I’m not so sure now it would work. There are so many things we still don’t know about each other.’
He grimaced. ‘Like what? I’ve just spread out my whole sordid early life for you.’
‘And me? You’ve never asked about Harley’s father.’
Iain sat back. The look on his face said that was because he didn’t want to know. ‘I guess I assumed he was dead.’ His tone said he hoped so.
Was he jealous? Of someone she’d slept with more than five years ago?
‘Well, you assumed wrong. He was a one-night stand.’ She met his eyes. ‘And I never told him about Harley, just like Adele never told you.’
She saw the shock. The ripple of distaste crossed his face as if Iain couldn’t believe what he was hearing. ‘So, there’s some guy out there who could waltz into your life and claim half your son? Claim you?’
Men. Seriously? ‘What? If I fancied him once I could do so again – is that what you’re thinking? That’s a pretty big leap.’ She could see he definitely didn’t want to hear this. And she wasn’t happy with his assumptions. He really did need a lot of work. She hoped her instincts were right that he’d be worth it.
But she directed her answer to his main question. ‘That wouldn’t happen.’
‘How can you be so sure he won’t find out?’
‘Because even if I did know where he was, I wouldn’t tell him.’
Iain winced. ‘Just like Adele.’ She saw it all rise up in front of him, all the pain he’d felt at his exclusion from Jacinta’s younger years. Saw him realise he’d picked the wrong woman, again. Saw him consider his options, weigh the negatives, and felt her own loss. Maybe there was no future for them. No future for her with him. He still wasn’t listening. He wasn’t trying to see her reasoning.
Iain said, ‘What if something goes wrong for you, like it did for Adele? Are you going to dump Harley in his father’s lap out of the blue?’
‘No. Aunt Win’s lap.’ Noni stood up and splashed the contents of her cup onto the grass. He couldn’t push past his own bitterness. ‘You don’t want to hear my reasons, do you?’
She gathered up the rest of the picnic and shoved it willy-nilly in the bag. She looked at the man who had infiltrated her protective wall and her heart with far too much ease and called herself a fool, again. She shook her head. ‘You’re not perfect. You’re willing to offer me a temporary arrangement because that’s convenient for you. It’s safe and if it doesn’t work out then you can blame your mother for not teaching you about long-term relationships. That way, you’re not compelled to take the rough times with the smooth. Don’t you know that the more you put into a relationship the more you’ll get out of it?’
She picked up her bag, hoisting the strap over her shoulder. ‘Well, that’s no better than if I’d trapped the man who was Harley’s father. He wasn’t interested in a relationship with me, he told me that. And I’m telling you I’m not interested in one with you. I’d really prefer if you’d find somewhere else to stay for the next fortnight until you go back to where you came from.’ It was spiteful, but she was hurting.
Now he was angry too. ‘How convenient for you if I move out. But I’m still allowed to work the next two weeks to save your precious maternity ward,’ Iain said cynically and brushed himself off.
Noni turned and walked back to the car. At least she hadn’t slept with him today, she told herself, but somehow, that only made her feel worse.
Chapter Forty-five
Noni
When Suzie and Paul went in to have their baby, they couldn’t believe their luck.
‘Imagine Iain being the doctor on call and you the midwife. That’s great.’ Paul was grinning.
Noni smiled weakly and ushered them into the birthing suite. The last fortnight had been horrendous. Iain and Jacinta had moved to Dr Soams’s house and the whole hospital was gossiping about the tension between Iain and Noni. The rumours she’d tried to quash she’d tracked back to Penelope Soams.
The worst part of it all was Iain acting so damn nice. His crooked smile as he followed the midwives in their less interventionist methods warmed her undisciplined heart, and she acknowledged how well he had adapted to the more holistic care Burra provided for their maternity patients.
Surprisingly, he was working hard at giving her his full attention whenever she had to speak to him. She knew it was all a strategic game, but she couldn’t figure out the rules and she so wasn’t interested. It was too little too late, as far as she was concerned. And too painful.
He made no effort to discuss any of the personal issues they’d disagreed on, or even tried to see her out of work hours. Not that she would have gone. Although, he still coached Harley’s cricket team.
She kept telling herself it would be over soon if the tension didn’t kill her. It was harder to work together than to live in the same house. If Noni had to have another polite conversation with Dr Iain McCloud in the maternity ward she’d surely scream.
At least Suzie’s labour progressed quickly and kept her mind occupied. It could have been the classical music that did it. Noni found out that Paul was a violinist in an orchestra and they’d been playing the music for baby during most of the pregnancy.
Noni completed an examination and Suzie’s eyes were closed after a particularly strong contraction. ‘You’re eight centimetres dilated, your cervix is very thin and almost ready to open all the way.’
Suzie looked up with the first threads of panic in her eyes. ‘I don’t know if I’m ready to do this.’ She reached for her husband’s hand. ‘I thought I’d have the baby late tonight. It should be slower with my first child.’
‘Not after all those Braxton Hicks.’ Paul squeezed her hand in return. ‘Remember the transition and the “frantic” feelings Noni talked about? That might be what you’re feeling now.’
Noni nodded. ‘I think so, too, and this is the first time I’ve had someone complain about their labour being over too soon.’ She laid her hand on Suzie’s arm and smiled reassuringly. ‘It was all that practice your uterus had before coming into labour. That annoying stopping and starting has done great things.’
‘Nice to know it had an upside.’ Paul looked more exhausted than his wife did. ‘We haven’t had a decent night’s sleep for weeks.’
‘You’ll both probably be too excited to sleep tonight.’
‘Here comes another one. Ooh.’ Suzie hunched forward on the birth ball and Paul rubbed the small of her back in a slow, circular motion.
‘You guys are doing brilliantly. I’ll give Iain a ring and let him know how you’re going.’
Noni closed the door behind her and leaned back on it. She sighed to relax her shoulders before straightening up and pushing herself off the door. She had to force herself to go to the desk and pick up the phone.
‘Dr Soams’s surgery. Hold the line, p
lease.’ Penelope’s voice grated on Noni’s ears and she rolled her eyes as she waited.
Finally, the woman came back on the line. ‘Can I help you?’
‘It’s Noni Frost. Can I speak to Dr McCloud, please?’ Noni’s voice was brisk and she acknowledged that she didn’t feel this way with any of the other doctors’ secretaries. She really should get over Miss P.
‘Dr McCloud speaking.’
Noni watched the hairs on her arms rise, and closed her eyes. How could he do that to her with just his voice? She realised she hadn’t answered and opened her eyes. ‘It’s Noni.’
‘Noni. What can I do for you?’ His voice softened and her mind threatened to wander again before she pulled herself up smartly.
‘Suzie and Paul are in labour here, and chugging along at eight centimetres. The baby’s head is fairly low in her pelvis. I don’t think you’d better hang around when I ring to say she’s in second stage because I think she’ll be quick.’
‘Foetal heart’s fine?’
‘Yes, Doctor.’ Why wouldn’t it be? He was so tuned for disaster it drove her crazy.
‘I’ll see you soon, then.’
But soon you won’t. You’ll be gone, and this torture will be over. ‘Thanks.’ She hung up.
As she turned to go back to the birthing suite, the sound of Suzie’s moan travelled up the corridor. It had that special tone that made midwives everywhere rise from their seats with a smile.
Noni pushed open the door and grabbed the odd-shaped birth stool from behind the curtain.
‘I want to push,’ Suzie said as soon as Noni walked in, and Paul looked at her with fervent relief.
‘I know. It’s great. Sit here, Suzie. You can hang onto these handles and bear down when you have the pain. Now that you have something to do with it, use your contractions.’
Noni put her hand on Paul’s shoulder after she’d settled his wife, and steered him onto a chair behind the stool. ‘Suzie can lean back into your arms.’
Suzie wailed, ‘I think it’s coming!’
Noni pressed the nurse-call buzzer once. She settled herself on a footstool in front of the birthing stool and lifted Suzie’s gown.
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