by Sam Mariano
When she pulled her leg down and flashed him a smile before taking a seat, he cleared his throat and remarked, “You don’t seem very hungry.”
“Snack-hungry. I actually went out to dinner tonight, so…”
“You should have said something, we didn’t have to come here.”
“That’s okay,” she assured him. “Like I said, I love Chinese food. This is a great snack. What about you, miss dinner tonight?”
“Yeah, I had to work through dinner.”
Her expression changed slightly as she nodded, looking less light-hearted than she had a few seconds earlier. “Ah. Saving more people?” She smiled, but it looked forced.
“No,” he said. “The opposite, really. Potentially cheating spouse, so… more like destroying marriages.”
Her expression lightened and she rolled her eyes. “You’re a real-life superhero, you know that?”
A self-deprecating smile tugged at his lips. “Nah, I don’t look good in tights.”
“I’m sure you do,” she returned with a playful smile.
Ethan quirked an eyebrow in response, but caught himself before he could toss back a response he would have to feel guilty about.
Deciding to get the conversation back on track, he allowed his eye to casually travel over her outfit. “So, you’re awfully dolled up for a night in.”
Glancing down at her outfit as if she hadn’t noticed, she said, “Oh, this? Yeah, I wasn’t at home tonight, I actually went out with a friend.”
“Ah, a friend,” he said with a nod, waiting to see if she would elaborate.
“Yep,” she said.
Since she didn’t, he prodded, “Girls’ night out?”
Her cheeks flushed a little and she glanced down at her boots, absently kicking out at thin air. “No. Guy friend.”
He knew that already—he also knew that wasn’t what she wore—but instead of saying so he merely grinned and said, “Ah, you went on a date.”
Her cheeks turned an even deeper shade of pink. “No. Yes. Maybe. I don’t know, I guess.”
Ethan nodded. “Did you have fun?”
“Um, yeah, it was okay.” She took a breath and refused to look in his direction.
Letting it drop, he merely nodded.
A couple minutes later, their food was already done and since he preferred privacy—and the staff probably wanted to go home—they went out to his car to eat.
He expected her to be more finicky, but he was quickly learning that either Willow was getting comfortable around him, or she wasn’t a shy person at all. While they ate, she boldly stole a piece of his sweet and sour chicken and shared rice from the same dish he was eating out of.
As she reached over and cut off another end of his chicken and popped it into her mouth, he glanced at her in amusement. “Not a germaphobe, huh?”
Raising an eyebrow curiously, she murmured, “Hm?”
He indicated their shared dishes. “My wife and I have been married for years, she still won’t eat off my plate.”
Willow shrugged, apparently unconcerned. “That’s illogical.”
“I mean, you say that now, but when you get mono…”
Rolling her eyes, Willow said, “I’ve had your dick in my mouth, I’m not going to get precious about sharing rice.”
Choking on the Coke he had just taken a sip of, Ethan could only stare at her, eyes wide in surprise.
Willow merely shrugged and took another bite.
“Damn, Willow.”
“Well,” she said expectantly, her eyebrows rising. “Just saying.”
He cleared his throat a couple of times, but he wasn’t sure where to go from there. It was a damned unique situation.
“What did your therapist—er, how did that go?”
Twisting the lid off her Diet Coke, she took a drink and then screwed the lid back on, remarking, “It was weird for me, but she didn’t seem surprised. Which I guess makes sense. A girl gets kidnapped and sold to a whorehouse, it’s more surprising if she didn’t get violated along the way. I explained the situation though. I mean, I know you don’t know her or anything, but I wanted her to understand how it happened.”
Ethan was glad that she finally told someone, even if it made him feel awkward to have someone else in the universe know what he had done. While he also wanted to ask more questions in his own self-interest, he also didn’t want to pressure her to reveal any details about her counseling session.
“You know what actually surprised her? That we’re still in contact. I wasn’t sure if I should even tell her that, but since you said to tell her everything…”
Nodding, he said, “Well, I can see why that would be surprising.”
“Yeah,” she said, but her expression was non-committal. “I don’t know. It sorta feels like you’re the only one who really understands though, you know? My parents don’t get it. Everybody else wants me to go back to the way I was before, but I don’t think I can. Besides, I’m more interested in moving forward than back.”
It struck him as a wise observation and he found himself nodding. Surprising himself with his honesty, he said, “I might be more like your parents than you think. I’ve been trying to find my way back, too, but I can’t seem to get there.”
Nodding as if she understood, she said, “Well, our circumstances are obviously different. It really hasn’t been that long though, you know? I’m sure after a little more time has passed… it’ll be easier for you.”
“Maybe,” he said, but didn’t sound very convincing even to himself. “I’m afraid it’s not possible to go back now. If I were a better or worse person, maybe, but I’m stuck somewhere in the middle.”
Willow stared at him for a moment, then she said, “I forgive you, you know.”
Even knowing she was trying to offer reassurance, hearing her say that only made him feel guiltier. “I hope you know you don’t have to protect me,” he stated, briefly meeting her gaze. “Whether or not you believe I acted with intent or under duress, it doesn’t matter.”
“I know that. I’m not worried about being a good person, Ethan,” she added with a wry smile. “If I didn’t feel like I should forgive you, I wouldn’t. I’m not really the ‘forgive and forget’ type.” Lifting her gaze to his, she narrowed her eyes just slightly, as if studying him. “I feel like… and this may sound completely crazy and I could be totally off-base, but I feel like maybe we’re the same in that regard.”
Frowning lightly, he asked, “How do you mean?”
“Well, you said it yourself, if you were a better person you would have taken a moral stand and refused to do it, even if it meant dying for your convictions. If you were a worse person, you wouldn’t be beating yourself up about it so much and you could just resume your life. We’re not good or bad, either one of us, we’re just straddling a line down the middle.”
He thought about it for a few seconds. “I can see your point about me, but I haven’t witnessed anything in you to convince me you’re not more or less good.”
Without looking at him, she smiled very slightly as she put her teriyaki beef back into the container. “I’m here right now, aren’t I?”
For a split second, his blood seemed to freeze in his veins. Unsure of what she meant by that, he regarded her semi-cautiously. “You needed someone to talk to.”
“Mm hmm,” she agreed with a nod. “And of all people, I reached out to you. I’m clearly a little more fucked up than you want to give me credit for.”
He had no intention to ask, despite his curiosity, but somehow when he opened his mouth, the words came spilling out. “Why were you a virgin?”
Cracking a half-ass smile, she shrugged as if it mattered less than it did. “I hadn’t met anyone I wanted to sleep with.”
“At 18?” he questioned.
“Is that so shocking?” she replied, lifting her eyebrows.
Immediately conciliatory, he said, “Sorry, I wasn’t trying to make you…self-conscious or anything.”
At tha
t, she actually laughed. “I’m not self-conscious. Why would I be? I’m not—” She paused, her amusement fading a little. “I wasn’t a virgin because I’m a troll. I’ve had offers, I just wasn’t interested. I don’t find it in any way embarrassing to have standards, and having sex isn’t much of an accomplishment. I know, I know, I’m a teenager so I’m supposed to be a wild, wanton creature, spreading my legs for any football player who smiles at me.” She rolled her eyes, shaking her head.
“I didn’t say that. I just wondered about it. I wasn’t trying to say you’re abnormal for not having sex, it just… I mean, you’re an attractive young lady, so I wouldn’t have expected it.”
“I could look like an English bulldog and still get laid,” she pointed out. “I’m a girl.”
Biting back a smile, he nodded. “That’s a great point.”
Willow nodded. “I take it you were not a virgin at 18?”
“I was not,” he verified.
“How old were you?”
“When I lost my virginity?” He laughed a little. “God. Well, I guess I was 16. My girlfriend at the time was also a virgin and she had high expectations for the first time—romantic dinner, probably some bullshit violinist going around to the tables, a hotel room full of rose petals and enough candles to light up the whole street.”
“I take it that is not what happened?” she asked with a smile.
Ethan shook his head, eyes dancing in amusement. “We had dinner at this crowded Italian restaurant on Valentine ’s Day and I gave her a pair of earrings, then when we left she wanted to park somewhere to give me my present, and we had sex in the back seat of the car.”
Grinning, Willow said, “She just didn’t know what to buy you.”
“A minute and a half of pleasure,” he joked.
“Priceless!”
“Exactly.” He was still smiling, shaking his head at the absurdity. “Ugh, it was terrible.”
“From what I hear, the first time usually is. Especially if you were both virgins.”
“Fumbling around in the dark is a real thing,” he verified.
“Had you been together long?”
“Not really. We got together around Thanksgiving, so about three months.”
“Were you together for long after?”
“Until June, I think. Actually, after we broke up she started dating a girl, so my buddies had a great time with that one.”
“Aw,” Willow said, chuckling a little. “You turned her off men altogether.”
Shrugging good-naturedly, he said, “We’re bastards, she was better off.”
“That is true,” Willow agreed with mock-solemnity. “My mom—my birth mom, anyway—dated men all her life until after she had me, but she said it always felt wrong. I’m sure your girlfriend was just trying to convince herself she was straight by being with you.”
“I think she was bi, actually. She was with another guy after that relationship ended, but you know how guys are. Never lived it down.”
“Yeah, guys can be pretty dumb,” she agreed with a roll of her eyes.
He nodded. “Your brother—was he Ashlynn’s biologically?”
Willow nodded. “Sperm bank. Ashlynn never slept with a man, to my knowledge.”
“What about you? Did you—do you date a lot?”
“I wouldn’t say a lot. The problem is sometimes I just want to hang out with a guy and not have it be a whole thing, but then next thing I know he’s calling me his girlfriend or getting all mad at me for hanging out with some other guy—but I just thought we were friends, I didn’t even realize we were dating. If I think I’m single, you can’t be pissy if I go out with someone else. Make your position clear, dammit. That’s the problem, high school guys are just…they’re not bold enough, you know? They don’t really know who they are yet, they’re not decisive, they’re too casual, they don’t let you know where you stand, and God forbid you ask, because then you’re a psycho-bitch. They’re just stupid. I don’t think teen guys are built for relationships, they’re just wired for screwing around with their douchey friends and not taking girls seriously. I have not felt like any guy I’ve ever gone out with could really handle me.”
Quirking a smile, he remembered thinking just that. He wasn’t stupid enough to admit that, though. “You don’t seem that high-maintenance to me.”
“I don’t think I am, I just think I’m going to have to hold out for college. I’ve always liked guys a bit older anyway.”
“I’m shocked,” he said dryly.
“I’ll probably end up having an affair with a professor,” she joked.
“I can actually see that,” he replied, shaking his head. “You’ll walk into class in that skirt and those boots and he’ll just fall at your feet.”
Grinning at him, she said, “You like my skirt and my boots, huh?”
“I am a straight man with a pulse, so yes.”
She looked inordinately pleased. “I like them, too.”
“I’m sure your date enjoyed them as well,” he remarked, even though he knew she had changed clothes—for him, apparently.
Without feigning modesty, Willow nodded her head. “He is also a straight male with a pulse. But like I said, high school guys aren’t that hard to impress.”
Going for casual, he asked, “You think you’ll see him again?”
“We’re friends, so I’m sure we’ll hang out again. Hopefully I won’t find out Monday at school we’re engaged, but you never know,” she added lightly.
Ethan merely shook his head. “Sounds like quite the problem. I feel really bad for you. I’m sure being desirable is quite a burden.”
Raising her eyebrows, she said, “Hey, it can be. You would be surprised how many guys see a reasonably attractive girl in a mini-skirt and make inaccurate assumptions about her.” Then, rolling her eyes, she added, “And don’t even start; you’re hardly Quasimodo yourself.”
“I’m retired from that whole scene. I can’t say that I miss it. Dating can be the worst.”
Willow nodded her agreement and then took another drink of her Diet Coke. “Luckily I can just avoid it until I meet my professor.”
“Sounds like a plan,” he agreed. “At least aim for an unmarried one under 60.”
“Well, yeah,” she said, rolling her eyes. “Mid-thirties is probably the cut-off. I prefer not to date grandfathers before I’m legally able to drink.”
“Good God, you’re not even legally able to drink,” he said, shaking his head in bewilderment. “It’s probably past your bedtime, you shouldn’t even be here.”
Leveling a dry look in his direction, she said, “Okay, let’s not get carried away.”
“You know, you really don’t look 18,” he said, somewhat accusingly as his gaze swept her outfit briefly.
“Age is just a number,” she shot back cheekily.
Ethan merely shook his head. “I think your professor is going to be one lucky bastard.”
She winked. “I’ll tell him you said so.”
A moment passed and Ethan closed the unfinished container of Chinese food. It occurred to him that he probably shouldn’t take it home, since Amanda would wonder why he had gone out for Chinese food all by himself, and why he had ordered so much.
“So, sex in the backseat—that’s probably not very comfortable, huh?”
Ethan’s eyes widened. “What?”
She indicated the back seat with her thumb. “You said you lost your virginity in the backseat. Obviously I’ve never done that, but I always figured it would probably be pretty uncomfortable.”
“Oh.” It took him a few seconds to recover, then he said, “It can be. Depends on your position. I don’t think we should be talking about this.”
“We talked about it before,” she reminded him.
“Well, yeah… but that was different. I was just telling a story, not…”
Willow waited for him to elaborate, but words failed him. She flashed him a little smile. “I was just curious. I wasn’t suggesti
ng we try it.”
“I know,” he said, wincing a little when he heard how defensive he sounded. Realizing how far off course they had gone, he attempted to lead them back. “Anyway, we were out here to talk about your counseling, not my sex life.”
“As if there’s no overlap,” she remarked, but before he could even absorb it, she said, “I like this better. It’s nice to feel normal for a night.”
“This is normal to you?” he asked, his disbelief clear. “This is not normal to me.”
Willow closed the container with her remaining teriyaki beef, sensing their time was nearing its end. “I’m trying to reestablish normal. That’s why I’m trying to go on dates and stuff, but it’s hard because for me it’s just practice, but for them it’s real. I’m trying to regain control over certain aspects of myself, but I have no control over other people. I need a guinea pig, but when I go out with some hapless guy, it’s just like I’m using him or teasing him. I guess I don’t really know how to explain it.”
“You need a guinea pig in what way? To ease back into dating?”
“To ease back into everything. To…find my own sexuality again. To reaffirm that I don’t have to be afraid, that guys are going to respect my limits and my wants and my desires no matter what, but that isn’t true so how can I prove it to myself? I mean, it’s not the same—it’s not like my date’s likely to force me, but they still want more than I want to give and then I feel guilty. I want…to call the shots, just so I know I can. I don’t know how to explain what I mean without sounding stupid.”
“You don’t sound stupid,” he said softly. For a moment, he was quiet, then he said, “I don’t want you to end up in a bad situation though. Obviously your partner should respect your limits, but…”
He trailed off, looking for the right words, but failing to find them.
Willow didn’t need the words. She nodded. “That’s the problem. If a guy feels like I led him on, he could get pushy, and my luck I would find the one who would rape me, and then I would never trust another man ever again. The point is to prove that I can say no and a man who finds me sexually attractive will listen no matter what, not wind up in a situation where I actually have to say it and then he doesn’t listen.”