by Sam Mariano
She laughed lightly then covered her mouth. “That's not funny, I shouldn't be laughing.”
“Like I said,” he joked, “horrible.”
“I would’ve never… That’s not who I am. Not who I was. You fucked everything up,” she stated.
“I did,” he agreed matter-of-factly.
“It’s just been an avalanche of shit, one thing after the next, it never stops.”
Taking a little breath and sighing it out, he said, “Well, that’s the other thing I’m here about. I want to stop it.”
Her eyes widened, and she looked caught somewhere between caution and alarm. “How do you mean?”
“We need to have an honest discussion about something we’ve been putting off for long enough at this point. I was trying to give you time and space, let you work things out however you needed to… I’ve accepted full responsibility for my fuck-ups, as you pointed out, and it hasn’t… really gotten us anywhere. At this point I feel like I’ve done all I can do, I’ve been open to ideas and suggestions from you, but… you haven’t been interested. You don’t want counseling, you don’t want… anything to do with me, it feels like, and I understand why you feel that way, but at a certain point we need to come to some kind of definitive path we want to take or not take, and I think that point is now.”
Her head bobbed, lips pressed firmly together. “This is because of dinner, isn’t it? This is about that girl.”
“Don’t do that,” he said, shaking his head. “Don’t deflect. Don’t make it about that. This, right now, is about you and me. Our relationship. Right now, there really isn’t one, and I need to know once and for all if you want that to change. If you want to try to work this out, if you want to try to move past all that’s happened… I need you to make that decision now.”
Shaking her head as if a bit dazed, Amanda said, “I was not prepared for this today, Ethan.”
“I know. I’m still not sure I’m prepared for it, but I also can’t live the rest of my life on pause, and obviously neither can you. This is only getting messier and… I think we need to just figure out what we want to do and do it.”
“What are you saying?”
Ethan shook his head slightly. “Right now I’m just asking where you’re at. Clearly nothing is going anywhere without you on board, so…” When a moment passed and she didn’t speak, just staring at his thigh, he prompted gently, “I know how angry you’ve been at me, but I assume you’ve thought about it.”
A humorless smile dragged at the corner of her mouth. “Of course I have,” she said quietly. “Every time Jackson asks for you to come along on some everyday errand, every time Alison wants you to read her bedtime story but you’re not here, every time it occurs to me that only two of our three children will ever remember you being here all the time, every time I lie in our bed alone and try to sleep…”
Pain, pushed back and put on hold so many times, bloomed in Ethan’s chest. He reached out, wanting to hold her, to offer her comfort, but she flinched away before his fingers made contact.
Sniffling and blinking back tears, she shook her head. “And I’ve—” She stopped, her face crumpling, looking down at her lap. “I’ve tried to look at you and still see the man who used to read Alison those bedtime stories, and go on those errands with us, and sleep in that bed with me every night.” Her voice broke, tears falling freely from her face and dropping on her legs like acid, the pain behind each tear drop dissolving any secret hope Ethan had been keeping. “But you know what I see instead? I see a fucked up man who is capable of things that… that man could have never done. I see a stranger. I see a darkness, a depravity in you that I never saw a hint of in all of our years together. I’m not trying to be mean, I’m not trying to hurt you or punish you when I say these things, but… you asked if I’ve thought about it. And I have. I’ve thought about it until my head was so full with it that I wanted to climb out of my own body. But I can’t forgive you. Not for the cheating, that… that maybe I could have gotten past with… work and counseling, I don’t know. But the other part… the part where the man I created a family with raped an 18-year-old girl—”
Ethan reared back as if she’d dealt him a physical blow. He looked down, away, and then inched back on the couch, putting a little more space between them.
Quietly, sadly, brokenly, she told him, “That part… I’m never getting past.”
Somewhere in the sea of shame Ethan was drowning in just then, beyond anger and sadness and grief, beyond the island of regret he’d felt stranded on for so long, a new feeling surfaced.
Acceptance.
He’d changed somewhere along the line. Become another person. Amanda was right. He wasn’t the man she’d shared her life with anymore. More than that, she didn’t love him, not in his entirety, maybe not at all anymore.
Willow did.
She loved every damned, dirty corner of him.
Willow, whom he’d wronged maybe as much as he’d wronged Amanda, probably more. Whom he’d certainly given far less, despite knowing how much she’d wanted him. Whose heart he’d broken in so many ways, time and again, yet she kept offering it to him like he deserved it.
God, he hadn’t done a damn thing to deserve her.
For a moment, Ethan closed his eyes. Amanda sighed, clearly misinterpreting his reaction, but after wanting to hang on for so long, all he wanted to do right then was go.
“All right,” he said, opening his eyes.
Vague surprise passed across her face, tentative. “Yeah?”
Ethan nodded, but couldn’t quite manage to meet her gaze. “Okay. That’s fair. I did an unforgivable thing.”
She was watching him like he was a little unhinged, but his thoughts were splintering and all he could think about was making right his latest wrong.
Finally meeting her gaze, he added, “I need you to understand I’m not dangerous. Whatever you think of me, of what I’ve done… our children mean the world to me. I’m not… some fucking…”
She didn’t make him finish, nodding her head and looking down. “I know.”
“We need to figure something out. Not now, but…”
Still nodding, she glanced up at him. “We will.” Then, sighing, she said, “I don’t know exactly how to do this. I don’t want to be enemies.”
“Neither do I,” he agreed.
“I think we just need a little time.”
Ethan nodded his agreement, catching her gaze. For a moment, they just looked at each other, peered into the eyes of their former partner, understanding that nothing would ever be the way it had been between them. For the first time, that was okay.
Half cringing, Ethan said, “Can I hug you?”
Laughing a little, Amanda said, “Yeah, of course. I just wasn’t ready for it.”
Wrapping his arms around her, he enveloped her, breathing her in and sighing. It felt like the last time. Even if they embraced again down the road, and he wasn’t confident they would, it wouldn’t be the same.
“I’m gonna go,” he said, pulling back and looking at her.
She nodded, her eyes searching his face, but without suspicion. “Okay.”
“I’ll call you tomorrow, if you want. So we can figure out what the next step is.”
Nodding, looking at his chest, she tucked a chunk of raven hair behind her ears. “I sort of already know. Tucker…”
Rolling his eyes, Ethan said, “Right.”
“I’m sorry, that was weird.”
“I never liked that guy.”
Smiling slightly, she said, “You never liked any guy. You’re such a caveman.”
“Yeah, well…” Returning her smile, he released her and took a step back.
“Um… I guess I’ll walk you to the door?” she said, taking a couple of tentative steps in that direction.
“You should keep that locked, by the way,” he pointed out.
Amanda rolled her eyes that time. “I knew you were coming. I usually do.”
Shufflin
g to the front door, they lingered awkwardly before he finally stepped outside. The rain still fell and she grimaced up at the sky, but he didn’t even try to cover himself that time as he headed for the steps.
“Hey,” she called, and he turned back. She stood in the doorway, leaning against the frame. Finally he saw something soft, like sympathy. “I’m sorry,” she said.
Offering a smile tinged with sadness, he told her, “Don’t be. None of this was your fault.”
She didn’t say anything else, just stood there until he turned around, and then she watched him leave.
Sitting in his car outside of Willow’s house, Ethan felt a moment of déjà vu, remembering so long ago when she’d first snuck out with him.
The phone in his hand remained lit as he waited for her to text back. He saw she’d read the message, but no indication she was responding.
The front porch light flickered on and the door eased open. He didn’t know if it was her or one of her family members, but he didn’t care.
Pushing open his car door, he jogged up to the front porch, feeling lighter the moment he saw Willow’s long hair swinging, the concerned frown on her beautiful face.
“What are you doing here?” she demanded.
A little breathless, water dripping from every part of him, he said simply, “I’m an asshole.”
She almost cracked a smile, but she only swayed slightly, planting her hip against the door. “You came all the way over here to tell me that?”
Ethan shook his head, advancing on her. An answering desire flickered in her gaze, but she remained tentatively guarded, even as she took a step back. He followed her inside, and continued to follow her as she backed up against the wall. Eyes traveling down her body, his hand followed, skimming her hip and moving around to the small of her back so he could pull her close.
“You’re getting me wet,” she murmured, amused.
“That was the idea,” he murmured, looking into those gray eyes of hers, blown away at how open she was to him, still, after everything. “You’re incredible, Willow. I hope you know that.”
Surprise flickered, replacing the amusement, and then she frowned, her perception kicking in, taking note that something had shifted in him. Her hand grazed his jaw line and she let him lean into her, ever so slightly.
“Are you okay?” she asked.
“Actually, I am,” he said, a hint of a smile playing around his mouth.
“Are you sure?” She still frowned, apparently not convinced.
Ethan nodded, holding her gaze. “I thought about what you said. You were right. About everything. I went over to the house tonight to talk to Amanda.”
Willow’s eyes widened, but she didn’t draw back. Something shadowed her face, doubt or fear. He didn’t want it to sit there long enough to need identification.
“It’s over,” he said. “The… waiting, fighting, all of it. We’re filing for divorce.”
Instead of delight or relief or anything remotely selfish, her gaze softened with a sad kind of sympathy. “Oh, god. I’m sorry, Ethan. Are you really okay? Don’t lie to me.”
He smiled because he couldn’t help it. If asked, he would’ve never said he was holding back from her before, but the feeling of wanting to get absolutely lost in the wonderful woman standing in front of him, lost in every way… well, it was new.
Instead of answering, he cupped her face in his palm and brushed his thumb across her cheek. “I haven’t done a goddamn thing to deserve you, Willow Kensington.”
“We can agree to disagree,” she answered with a teasing smile.
His face was already nestled against her neck when he murmured, “Is anybody else home?”
“If they were, you would be legitimately dead,” she answered, lifting her leg to tug him against her. “Literally. Ashlynn has a gun. Never come here again.”
“I had to. It was important.”
Raising a skeptical eyebrow, she pulled back and shot him a look. “Important enough to risk your life, or at the very least, an appendage we’re both quite fond of?”
He nodded, drinking in every detail of her face, of the way her body looked pressed up against his, pushed up against the wall. His arousal surged, and he imagined all the things he wanted to do to her. He wanted to haul her ass up those stairs to that damned purple bedroom and throw her down on her bed. He wanted to mount her and kiss her and do everything to her, with her. He wanted to claim her, mark her, greedily take everything she’d give him.
“I love you, Willow,” he said, looking into her eyes. He felt both satisfied and a little guilty at the joy that transformed her countenance, at the sultry promise in her gray gaze as she looked at him like he’d just given her the world.
Instead of responding with words, she dropped to her knees, fingers hooking on his waistband and worked at the button, popping it open.
“Shouldn’t we…?” He indicated the stairs, but Willow wasn’t stopping. His soaked pants hit the floor and she repositioned herself, grasping him at the base and looking up at him, teasing him for just a moment as she flicked her tongue out to lick the tip.
Thoughts of further protesting their location lingered for a moment, but as she took him all the way into her mouth and he grasped the wall for support, more pressing matters required his attention.
Her mouth felt incredible, but after only a minute he tugged her back up. She waited for his lead, unsure why he was stopping her, and then his mouth crushed hers again, hand tucked around her waist, anchoring her body to his.
“I want you,” he murmured against her lips, his hands roaming up under her shirt, teasing the flesh beneath.
“I can tell,” she answered, a grin sneaking in between kisses.
Taking the lead, she grabbed him by the shirt and tugged him into the living room, over to the couch. Before he even got the chance, she reached for the hem of her shirt and yanked it over her head. Her jeans were swiftly abandoned on the floor next. She glanced up to make sure he was following suit, but instead caught him motionless, his eyes hungrily traveling every curve of her body.
“Feel free to jump in anytime,” she said lightly.
“You’re distractingly beautiful,” he stated, a sensual smile lighting up his handsome face.
Nodding as she stood and reached for the buttons on his shirts to assist him, she said, “So are you, hence the need for clothing removal.”
For all her playful bluster, once she got his shirt off, her hands moved over the muscular planes of his body and she couldn’t help but sigh. Stealing a glance up at him, she caught his amused smile and rolled her eyes.
“God, you’re too good-looking. And you know it.”
“I have to be, to make up for being such a pain in the ass,” he told her, his blue eyes twinkling.
A short burst of laughter distracted her from his body, and he took the opportunity to rid himself of the rest of his clothes.
Pulling her nearly bare body against his, he reached around to unhook the clasp of her bra. As it fell off to the side of their clothing pile, he leaned in and brushed his lips across her left breast. Willow’s head fell back and her eyes fluttered closed as he took the peak into his mouth, swirling his tongue around her nipple.
Her fingers dug into his back. He released it, moving his attention to the right side before slowly, torturously dragging his lips up over her collarbone, then leaving a trail of kisses up her neck.
Impatient, she turned her head and caught his lips, yanking him snugly against her body. Ethan snaked his left hand down between their bodies, his fingers delving between her thighs.
Only too eager to comply, Willow dropped to the couch and spread her thighs, reaching for him. He wasted no time following, coming down on top of her and capturing her lips again.
He broke away, looking down into her lust-filled gaze. “Get up.”
A thrill shot through her as she obeyed his gravelly order, easing up and pushing her legs over the edge of the couch. Standing in front of him, naked
and eager, she awaited his next command.
"Lay across my lap," he ordered.
She licked her lips, glancing down at his cock. It stood at attention, and she wanted to touch it. As she repositioned herself across his lap, she rubbed her cheek against his cock, let her tongue dart out and just brush the tip.
Ethan’s body went rigid and he ran his hand softly over her ass.
"See something you like?" he asked lowly.
"Oh yes. I can't wait until you're buried inside of me."
He growled, his hand suddenly leaving her ass, but then she felt a finger trail between her legs. Already wet with anticipation, she shuddered as his fingertips grazed the outside of her vagina. He waited until she wasn't expecting it before dragging his fingers across again, eliciting another pleasurable shudder.
"Do you like the way I touch you?"
"Yes," she murmured, the throbbing ache between her legs decidedly in control.
His fingers still danced around, teasing, but he finally pushed one finger inside of her, giving her the tiniest measure of relief.
"Oh god." She clutched his thigh as he shoved a second finger deep inside of her. His fingers thrust in and out with a swift, steady motion, but it only made her long for the real thing that much more.
Pressure and anticipation built as she moaned, nuzzling her face against his leg as he pleasured her with his strong fingers.
She could already feel herself approaching an orgasm and he hadn't even touched her clit yet. She wanted him inside of her, but she also didn't want him to stop what he was already doing.
Apparently on the same page, he pumped his fingers inside of her a few more times, then all of a sudden withdrew them.
Her body mourned his absence as she groaned, going a little limp.
“Stand up.”
Her legs were unsteady as she brought herself up on them, and he guided her to the couch and sat her down, kneeling between her legs. Sighing with anticipated pleasure, Willow held his gaze as he spread her thighs again.
Eye contact was broken as that handsome face suddenly disappeared between her legs. Those magnificent fingers spreading and the delicious wetness of his tongue as it delved inside, finding her clit instantly and making love to it until she was crying out, drawing in shuddering breaths. The delicious pressure finally broke free, her pleasure cresting. She arched, her hand flying to the back of his head, holding onto him as she came, her stifled cries erupting from her body.