‘Don’t do it,’ a voice said.
All of me rushed to him. I was too much in love to bear. So I closed my eyes and I took that gods-cursed lake and I pulled it over me even though I despised it, despised its false calm and its cold cold cold. I let it flood me, coat me, disguise me. It was the lake that made me ruthless. And when I turned to face Falco, I was hardly inside my body any more. I was covered in frost and fading.
‘Whatever you’re planning or thinking, don’t,’ he said. I didn’t know how he knew, but he did, clearly, which meant lying. ‘Come with me. We’ll sleep.’
I shook my head.
‘Izzy,’ he begged, throat raw. ‘Don’t do this. I need you.’
‘I’m not doing anything,’ I told him. ‘I’m not going anywhere.’
He took my face, smoothing his hands over it, feeling me like a blind man might. Shaking his head, he whispered, ‘But you are. You’re already gone from me and I miss you terribly.’
Something went very hard inside my chest: the iron closing around my heart and around my spine. ‘This,’ I told him, ‘was always going to happen. Right from the start, from the very beginning, long before either of us was born. We were fated to reap each other’s death. I will end your reign as I set out to, and if I can do that whilst saving my three realms and my people, so much the better.’ I paused, unable to withhold the next words. The easiest I had ever spoken. ‘But because you love me, Falco, I’m going to tell you a secret before you die.’
His eyes were black as he stared at me, his lips chalk-white.
I leant close and gave him one truth. I couldn’t tell him I loved him, so I would tell him this, and even if the rest was a lie, I could at least hope he remembered this one truth after I was gone. ‘You don’t have to be masked or unmasked. You can be neither, or both. You don’t have to be one true thing and many false. You can be all your masks, each one of them, any time you want, or you can be none. You are fluid, your identity is fluid, your life, your name, your soul. And we are all Emperor Feckless sometimes.’
I pulled out of his arms, out of his reach, and I walked down the ridge towards the wall, leaving pieces of me trailing behind.
He didn’t call my name or come after me. He let me go.
I had been walking alone in the dark for an hour when I heard it. Footsteps from behind. Whirling, I had a dagger at the throat of my pursuer only to realise it was Penn. ‘What are you doing?’ I whispered.
‘Coming with you.’
‘You can’t, Penn, I have a plan.’
He smiled; I saw the flash of his teeth. ‘Not one as good as mine, I’ll bet.’
I hesitated and thought of what I might do were it my parents who’d decided to destroy the world. I nodded and took his hand, and Penn and I walked towards the wall together.
Falco was right. The world did not forge its monsters. It tried to, of course. But if I was a monster it was because I had let myself turn into one. If I was a monster, it was because something inside me had needed to be. And now the world needed it of me. So I would be. I would choose to be monstrous one last time.
It was hate that knew no fear, after all. Love, I had discovered, came with an ocean of it.
Chapter Thirty-one
Falco
‘I knew it!’ Ava raged.
‘Keep your voice down,’ I said.
‘I knew it,’ she repeated nonetheless, seething with fury.
‘She’s always been duplicitous,’ Jonah muttered.
‘No, I can’t believe it,’ Finn said. ‘There’s no way!’
‘Of course there is!’ Osric said. ‘Is she or is she not the rebel leader of the south, intent on gaining rule over Kaya? She’s obviously made some kind of deal with the warders.’
‘But she hates the warders!’ Finn replied.
‘So she has said,’ Ava muttered, ‘but she is well versed in deception.’
I said nothing, because I knew the truth. There was no way in any world that Isadora had betrayed us, which meant there was some reason she needed us to think she had, and that meant it was best for me to play along. So I’d made the announcement this morning that the Sparrow had left to join the Mad Ones. And there was yet another argument raging around me.
‘She wouldn’t do this to us,’ Finn said stubbornly, and I could have kissed her for the loyalty.
‘What matters is not the hurt feelings of children,’ King Thorne said. ‘It is the information she takes to our enemies.’
‘She knows everything,’ I agreed. ‘Our entire plan of attack.’
‘Then the tunnels are useless,’ Ambrose said. ‘They’ll have them blocked or guarded.’
‘So all we have is an impenetrable, heavily-guarded wall.’ Ava sighed.
‘Not impenetrable,’ I said. ‘Osric is going to break the wards on the gate, and then we’ll smash our way through it. And we’re moving the second night falls. No matter what Isadora has done, we here are unified. We are one, with one purpose, one end. That is to destroy the Mad Ones and any who get in our way.’
They nodded, shoulders straightening.
‘Disperse and get your forces ready to move.’
While everyone was preparing I went to Ava. ‘I need you to lead Isadora’s army. They’re well trained, and they’ll respond to you.’
‘Because I’m scarred?’
I nodded.
Ava smiled, the wolf scar pulling at her lips. ‘Then I will lead them proudly.’
I gave her a quick hug, not bothering to point out what we both knew – if Isadora had betrayed us then her soldiers could turn on us at any moment. Until then, we needed them fighting for us – they made up the bulk of our force.
Next I found Thorne. ‘Your berserkers will line the front,’ I said. ‘Are you happy with that? You’ll take the brunt of the attack.’
‘I don’t think I could keep them from the front if I tried,’ he assured me.
‘Good. I want to draw as much fire from the wall as possible, and I want the berserkers protecting the warders in my central flank, who will in turn be protecting Osric while he attempts to smash the magic from the gate.’
‘Understood.’ Thorne stopped me by taking the back of my neck in the affectionate gesture men from Pirenti used with each other. ‘Brother,’ he said. I met Thorne’s blue eyes. ‘I’m proud of you, and I’m with you until the end, no matter how far it takes us.’
I clapped him on the shoulder. ‘I’m honoured to call you my family, King of the Ice, my hot-tempered little brother. The day I met you was when I started living again.’
He smiled, but he looked a very bad colour, and there was sweat dripping from his brow.
‘Are you sure you’re alright?’
‘Of course.’
‘What will you do with your father?’
‘You say that like I have any control over him.’
I laughed a little, turning to look for my general. Brathe was with Inga and the other warders and I ordered them to line up with the berserkers protecting Osric. They didn’t like being anywhere near the huge men, but I made it clear this wasn’t up for discussion. To settle them I had the soldiers from the warder prison placed in the same retinue; these people were bonded by their experience of persecution and imprisonment by those inside the wall. They would stand strong together and I’d be there with them when it got bad.
Next I found Ambrose and King Thorne.
Last night’s strangeness returned to my mind unbidden. I had been on my way to find Isadora after she’d left the group, thinking she must have gone back to the marshes where she seemed to enjoy the quiet. Instead I chanced upon King Thorne on his walk with Ella. Pausing, I couldn’t help eavesdropping on their conversation, hidden behind heavy trees.
‘When does it happen?’ he’d asked her.
‘When I’m indoors. Or when it’s hot.’
‘Like now?’
‘Yes.’
‘How does it feel?’
‘Like … something …’
‘Something clawing to get out.’
I swallowed, disturbed for the poor girl.
‘Do you get it?’ Ella asked her uncle.
‘No, love. But I once knew someone who did.’
‘Who?’
‘A man from my childhood.’
‘But who?’ she pressed.
‘My father,’ King Thorne replied reluctantly.
‘I’m not related to your father,’ she said. ‘I have a different bloodline.’
‘It isn’t passed through the bloodline, love. It is born in the heart of those wild and strong enough to endure it.’
‘But … what is it?’ Ella asked him, and I could hear her voice trembling. I was on the verge of interrupting them – he didn’t have any right to frighten her, no matter who he was to her.
But then I heard King Thorne say, ‘You are wolven, my love. It is a rare and precious thing, not to be feared but embraced.’
‘What does it mean?’
‘It means you are wild. You will struggle with walls and roofs, with any climate but the far north. It means you might change one day into something feared. It means your life will be rich and full and difficult. But here is what we both know to be true: you, Ella, are very brave. You are your mother’s daughter in that regard. Nothing will be too much for you, too difficult, too frightening. You are more than all of it, not in spite of, but because you are wolven.’
I felt the stirrings of something in my own breast. I didn’t understand what he meant, but they were words Ella needed. There was something liberating about King Thorne’s particular brand of honesty.
Now I came upon him speaking to his brother, something heated between them.
‘You should get clear, Majesty,’ I told Ambrose. ‘We’ll be on the move shortly.’
The brothers were staring at each other as though I hadn’t said a word, locked in some silent battle of wills. I shook my head and continued on to find Finn and Jonah looking worried.
‘We can’t find Penn,’ Jonah blurted when he saw me.
‘Doesn’t he hide when he feels threatened? He’ll turn up.’
Jonah didn’t look convinced, but I didn’t have time for it. ‘Finn. What power can you command?’
She grimaced. Her skin looked grey with fatigue. ‘Whatever you need.’
I studied her, then shook my head. ‘You only act to open that gate if Osric fails, understood? Save your power for keeping the veil open a little longer.’ Now that we had him here, I didn’t particularly want to lose the slaughterman from this battle. Already I was seeing what a difference he made to the spirits of the people around him – he stirred some ancient hunger for battle within them.
‘And me?’ Jonah asked.
I eyed him, having forgotten that he too was a warder. Everyone always seemed to forget. The boy was easily overlooked. ‘You’re with Osric. Protect him at all costs. Can you do that?’
Jonah nodded, eyes shifting to a pale shade of green. ‘Majesty. Did Isadora say anything to you about …? Did she say anything before she left?’
Glancing between the twins, I considered quickly. ‘She told me she’d been offered a way to protect her people. Any good leader knows when to take such deals.’
Jonah’s expression fell, but Finn shook her head again, bluntly refusing it. ‘Her people are our people – we are all the same.’
I shrugged, turning. ‘If you were given the choice, would you let half live, or all die?’ I left before they had a chance to reply. The only way to convince people of Izzy’s betrayal would be by making it seem reasonable, smart even.
I was having a very difficult time keeping my mind from her last words to me. From the way she leaned in close and the way her eyes turned crystal. You can be all your masks. Some tight, tangled thing uncurled and loosened within me, some terrible pressure finally gave way and I was as light as a feather. I was free to be any damn thing I wanted to be, free even to be all the things I didn’t want to be. Free to just be.
The day wore on as I checked the ranks and checked them again. I finally armed myself and mounted up. King Thorne appeared at my horse’s flank, peering up at me. ‘Emperor Feckless,’ he addressed me.
I grinned, even laughed a little. ‘Yes, sire, that is what I tend to be called.’
‘Are you dumb as well as useless?’
‘I hope not.’
‘Then you don’t need to be informed of the truth?’
I frowned, searching his face. ‘What truth? Out with it.’
‘The truth that whatever the little Sparrow is doing isn’t what it seems.’
My smile returned. ‘She’s my mate, King Thorne. What do you think?’
He nodded, satisfied with that. ‘Don’t fuck this up then, kid.’
‘I’ll do my best.’
‘Do more than your best,’ he replied bluntly. ‘You smell calm and easy, and that’s no way to go into a battle. Find your fury. Find your outrage.’
I took a breath, trying to do so, but as my eyes scanned the line of soldiers I was distracted by an absence in the rows of berserkers. ‘Thorne!’ I shouted. ‘Where’s Thorne?’
His father’s voice was grim as he said, ‘My son will no longer be joining tonight’s battle. I will lead his berserkers.’
Thorne
While Falco spent the afternoon moving through his army and making sure every conceivable thing was ready, I sat with Ambrose, unsure what he was still doing here. Da appeared, having attached axe blades to belt loops apparently. Without asking, he started strapping these to Ambrose’s wrists.
‘What are you doing? Don’t, Thorne.’
‘How else will you fight?’
‘I won’t.’
Da grunted in blatant dismissal of this.
‘Brother, listen –’ Ambrose started, but Da placed a hand on his little brother’s head and pulled his face close.
‘No, you listen to me, brother. It’s a brave man who tries to change the course of the river, but only a damn fool tries to do that while he’s submerged within it. You kick and swim and get the Sword out of there first.’
Ambrose couldn’t help grinning. ‘Good metaphor.’
‘Shut it, kid,’ Da growled. ‘Point’s the same. There’ll be time for you to build a new world after this. For now you fight because you’re damn good at it, and we need your help not getting killed.’
The smile faded from Ambrose’s lips and he stared at the axes being bound to his arms. When he looked finally at his brother, there was something startling in his gaze. Something … violent. He’d given in to the tide, or perhaps to his brother, for it was plain to see that between the two of them love ran very deep. ‘How many battles have we fought, brother?’ he asked softly.
‘Many.’
‘And how many have we won?’
‘All.’
They smiled at each other, and I felt the skin on my arms prickle. When Ambrose stood, it was to cut through the slings holding his wrists aloft, and to swing those axe blades like he was born to it. ‘One last time, then,’ he said, and I couldn’t help but wonder what this one last time would cost him.
‘About bloody time,’ was all Ava said when she spotted him.
‘Walk with me a moment, boy,’ Da said to me as the afternoon got older. I followed him into the marshes where we could speak in private. Howl came with us, nuzzling his snout into Da’s hand as though they’d been friends for years.
‘You’ve been doing the rounds,’ I pointed out. ‘Dispersing wisdom to all who’ll listen.’
He shrugged, not reacting to the playful barb. ‘I’ve done a lot of watching. And I don’t know how much time I have here. Or who’ll survive the night.’
My mouth closed with a snap. I waited for him to say what he’d brought me here to say, whatever pearl he needed to impart, but he didn’t seem inclined to speak either, gazing into the swamp while he petted Howl.
‘Was it you I kept seeing?’ I asked.
/> ‘Aye.’
I breathed out in relief. ‘How?’
‘Don’t know, boy. Maybe that tie to your wife lets you see through the veil.’
‘Then I’m not mad?’
Da’s eyes moved to rest on me. ‘Only the same kind of mad all our kind are. Mad for battle. Mad for blood. Mad enough to fight on and on no matter what harm has befallen us.’
That deep deep dark that waited below my feet for me to sink into. At least I was not alone above it. At least now I had Da.
‘In any other I’d welcome that madness,’ he went on in that scraping voice. ‘I’d encourage it – to die in battle is a great honour. But you, my boy, my only son, I’ll caution. We’re violent because it’s easy. Because it’s been bred into our nature over centuries of war. That doesn’t mean it’s right, and I learnt that the hard way.’
I looked away, folding my arms. The branches of the trees were swaying slightly, everything was swaying slightly, and had been for the last few days. Why was he saying this to me right before we were about to storm the wall of an enemy city? Why take the wind from my sails?
He surprised me by pulling me into an embrace. In my ear he said, ‘You reek, my boy. For you the fight is over.’
Before I had a chance to understand what he meant, he was squeezing my head and neck until the world went dark.
When next I opened my eyes the light was fading quickly and my entire body was bound to a tree. Roaring, I struggled against it but found I could hardly move. My mother was here, crouching over me. Da too, and the twins and Erik. They were peering down at me but I couldn’t see them well. My vision was so blurred they were barely more than moving shapes.
‘Stab wound,’ I thought I heard Ma say.
‘It stinks of infection,’ Da said. ‘I’m away now. Don’t let him free, whatever you do. He smells close to death, and that boy will fight himself into a grave.’
I watched them, the two of them. I had never seen them together, had wondered all my life how two such people could love one another, could even inhabit the same space. It was dreamlike and hazy as I watched them now, as I saw him lean down to kiss her on the lips, their shapes entwined for just a moment and then parting again.
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