Jeff Davis turned on his heels and left. It is clear the man is not accustomed to being spoken to so frankly.
Chapter 22
“What do you mean you are replacing me?”
“Caleb, I thought you would want us to move on. I never thought I would, but this little boy Noah made me realize that life is short, and I have to live it to the fullest. Music is all I know.”
“Henley, I’m right here. I’m still the guitar player.”
“What are you talking about?’
“Hen, what’s wrong with you?”
“Caleb, you are… you’re gone. You can’t play anymore.”
“I most certainly can. Watch this.”
Caleb picks up a strat and plays Jimi Hendrix’s Red House. I close my eyes as the bluesy notes wash over my soul, and the warmth from the music takes over. I feel every last riff and am afraid to open my eyes. He might be gone if I open them. I haven’t heard him play in four years. I miss the sound of him playing. When the song is over, I still haven’t opened my eyes.
“Henley, open your eyes.”
“I can’t. You will leave me again.”
“What are you talking about?”
“You always leave me.”
“I’m right here, baby girl.”
I feel him touch my face, and my eyes fly open. His face is just as I remember it. When he frowns, the area between his brows scrunches up, and it always makes him look so young, younger than he really is. I lift my hand to touch his face, but I can’t seem to make contact.
“I can’t feel you Caleb.”
“I’m always right here.”
“You always leave.”
“You haven’t been looking.”
“We have to hire another guitar player.”
“I know.”
“But you said…”
“You aren’t listening.”
“I don’t understand.”
“I’m always your guitar player. I will always play music with you. You won’t replace me. You won’t ever be able to. You have to supplement the music, not replace. It’s always been right in front of you.”
“What has?”
“You will know it when you see it.”
“Caleb, stop with the cryptic shit. What in the hell are you talking about?”
“See that right there? That’s the fire that has always burned inside of you. You will never replace me or the bond we have. You will find someone who has a different bond with you. It will fit, and it will feel more right than anything you have ever felt. You will know when Henley.”
“I’m scared.”
He kneels down in front of me, and touches my face again. I want to touch his face too. I lift my hand once again, and when I reach his face, it goes straight through him. I jump back, startled, and he fades away. I scream for him not to go. He always leaves me. I just need a little more time with him. I scream again and again. I need him to come back.
“Henley, wake up!”
I shake my head. I need to go back and find Caleb. I need to know if I can hire another guitar player.
“Henley, wake up baby.”
Someone is shaking me. I want to scream for the person to stop, but my eyes pop open and Rhys instantly brings me into his arms. I claw my way to get even closer and I sob. I sob loudly. I sob until my body can’t physically cry any longer, and I fall back into sleep.
I wake with the California sun in my eyes. I stretch and pad my way to the kitchen for some coffee. Rhys is standing in my kitchen with a cup already in his hand. He pours me a cup and adds sugar and creamer, but he sets in on the counter and envelops me in a hug.
“I didn’t know you were still having the nightmares.”
“It’s not like it used to be. I have them infrequently.”
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“Not really.”
“I get it.”
After our morning coffee and cigarette, I find my phone to call my grandfather to inquire about Jeff Davis. A text from Jagger is waiting on me when I touch the home screen.
“I saw the photos from last night. You looked so gorgeous as usual. It made me smile to see you out with Griff and Rhys. I hope you enjoyed your evening. I miss you so much. I’m so sorry I hurt you.”
I sigh and throw the phone on the bed. I miss him too. It hurts to breathe when he isn’t around. The steady ache in my chest hasn’t subsided yet, and my daily life seems forced without him here. I feel a song here somewhere. I lounge around in bed for a few hours and try to pull the song from my thoughts.
You held my hand through it all
With your gentle touch and kind eyes
I knew all I had to do was call
And you would hold me while I cried.
The days without him are so damn long
I can’t remember the last song.
Will you cut me with your words,
And show me who I really am?
Will you tell me how I failed,
And remind me of why I ran?
Will you scream my faults,
So I can know you never really gave a damn.
Seeing me through your eyes,
Shows me what the world must think.
I was once the one, who shined,
So brightly against the background.
I let it all slip away in time,
Just to find some measure of peace.
Will you cut me with your words,
And show me who I really am?
Will you tell me how I failed,
And remind me of why I ran?
Will you scream my faults,
So I can know you never really gave a damn.
I won’t stand by any longer and wait,
For the world to make sense of it all.
I can’t leave it all to fate,
And let you destroy me.
The decisions are now mine to make,
I have to leave you behind.
Will you cut me with your words,
And show me who I really am?
Will you tell me how I failed,
And remind me of why I ran?
Will you scream my faults,
So I can know you never really gave a damn.
Rhys and I spend the afternoon on the beach with his drum sticks and my guitar. We manage to write some chords and a beat to go with it. I usually write on an acoustic guitar to gain some semblance of what the song will sound like. Lyrics are words on paper until you pick up an instrument. Instruments somehow guide us into what the song will evolve into. The song begins as a ballad, and then I scream through the chorus with all my emotions pouring into the words on the piece of paper. This is the first song I have completely written and began the music process with in four years.
Chapter 23
I keep good on my promise to Dale, and that Saturday night, I join Shaun on stage for Broken. He is so surprised when I walk on stage with an acoustic guitar. It takes him a few moments to speak. The crowd grows crazy loud as I sit on the stool Dale places in front of a second mic.
“So, I hear your birthday is in a few weeks? I figured I would join you on stage tonight before you leave L.A. for the last few gigs of the tour if that’s okay with you?” I ask, and the crowd grows even louder.
Shaun smiles and nods.
“You originally sang this song with a very talented artist, but let’s see if we can make it better.” I begin picking the guitar. Shaun and I sing our hearts out, and the crowd is lit up by their lighters and cell phones as they sing along with us. When the song ends, I take the strap off and hold the guitar by the neck. I wish Shaun a happy birthday again through the mic and hug him. As I kiss his cheek, he requests my favorite Resin song.
“Definitely Gasoline. I like the grittiness of it.” I smile.
“Let’s do it then, yeah?” he asks.
“Yeah.”
We rock the fuck out. Shaun, Da
le, and I extend the song and shred like metal gods on our guitars. Dale eventually stops playing, and Shaun and I keep going. It lasts for over ten minutes, and the fans are wild. I’m pouring sweat from the lights and the energy I poured out on stage. God, it feels so good to be back up there. I’m back! Shaun walks me off stage and hugs my neck again.
“That is the most amazing birthday gift ever! I have a penchant for female musicians,” he says with a wink.
“I’m happy to do it. Maybe I can hit you up for some collaboration on my new album?” I ask.
He is excited at the possibility, and I exchange numbers with the guys. As I exit stage right, I follow the black curtain behind the stage and see Jagger standing stage left with Koi, Kip, and Cam. Most of the other musicians on the tour are there too. I guess they showed up to watch me play. I don’t see anybody else though…I only see Jagger. He is so gorgeous, but he looks empty. His blue eyes are void of their usual fire. I smile at him, and he returns a sad smile of his own. He steps forward as though he is going to cross the area between us and speak, but Koi and Kip jump in before he goes any further. They are full of hugs and smiles for me. I never get tired of hearing how awesome I am from these guys. The rest of the musicians are full of hugs and smiles too. As the guys trickle out, I search for Jagger, but he is gone. I really try not to be disappointed, but it is consuming me. Seeing him makes my resolve waver. I miss him so much. I miss his smell, his smile, his touch, his eyes, his body, his heart, and the sweet little things he does for me. That familiar ache in my heart is now front and center. Maybe I overreacted two weeks ago. Maybe I should’ve let him apologize and rebuild what we had. I hug my brother and Kip goodbye since they are leaving in a few days to play the last two gigs of the tour.
I wind my way around the backstage area until I find the exit. I carry my guitar on my side and am still riding high from performing. You have no idea what a screaming crowd and music will do for your soul.
“I miss that smile,” I hear him say.
He sits on the side of his Black BMW M6 hood with his legs crossed. He looks so fucking gorgeous. I want to tear his clothes off right then and there and ride him to kingdom come on that hood. I don’t care if the world watches me fuck his brains out. I need him like I needed air in my lungs. “Poor Henley.” My subconscious says. I wish she would shut the fuck up. I’m horny, but those words pester me. He holds up a bouquet.
“You looked amazing out there. The Guitar Goddess is back,” He smiles a small sad smile at me again.
The empty eyes are what tug at my heart strings most.
“Yeah. It felt good,” I finally say.
He moves the side of his car, and walks towards me. He reaches down and grabs my guitar case. As he does, his touch on my hands sends tingles down to my toes. And, might I add, all the parts down south are screaming at me that my principals don’t mean a damn thing in this very moment.
“These are for you.” He hands me the bouquet.
“Thank you,” I say quietly.
“Come on, I will load this up for you.”
We walk slowly to my car. I can see him glancing down at me every few steps, but I can’t meet his eyes. Whatever resolve I’m holding onto will snap and leave me stranded holding my heart in my hand.
He holds his hands out for my keys, and I hand them over. He opens the back hatch on my Range Rover and sets my guitar in the back.
“Will you sit and talk to me for a minute?” he almost whispers, but he won’t meet my eyes.
Jagger may have hurt me, but he is hurting too. I have known this beautiful man since the sixth grade, and the sentimental part of my heart takes over.
“Yeah.” I sit beside him.
“Whatever I say tonight, I mean from the bottom of my heart. The only ulterior motive I have is to get you back in my life. If that means I can only ever have you as a friend, I will take it. Okay?”
“Okay.”
“I have some heavy shit weighing on me. It’s not something I can share with anyone right now, but it’s there. I snapped that night. It isn’t anything you did. You definitely didn’t deserve it. When I say that I didn’t mean those words, I mean it, Hen. I don’t even know where they came from. I just saw red and was left lying at the bottom of your porch wondering how in the hell I let it get that far. I picked myself up and went straight to the bar. You know what it’s like when we walk into a place. I was alone and vulnerable, and I hurt the only woman I ever loved. I know the bartender, and he took one look at me and knew I was nursing a broken heart. The people just started hanging off me, and I tried my best not to explode. I wanted to tell them to leave me the fuck alone, but I couldn’t. The only picture that ran through my head again and again were the tears rolling down your face, and I was holding back my own tears the rest of the night. I poured as much alcohol down my throat as I could to stop seeing you cry. Everyone wanted to take pictures, and so I just smiled through it. I smiled to keep from breaking every one of their necks. The bartender finally called me a cab, and I rode by your house several times trying to get up the courage to grovel. It isn’t that I was afraid to grovel. I was afraid of what you would say. I couldn’t handle you leaving me at that moment. I checked into a nearby hotel and passed out. By the time I woke up late the next night, the pictures from that night were all over the news, and your statement ending our relationship was playing on repeat. I went crazy. I trashed the entire fucking room. I screamed and cried until I didn’t have anything left. And do you know what I saw next?”
“What?”
“I saw you on TMZ being hounded by the paparazzi. I saw the sadness all over your face, and yet you were more concerned about getting an old lady away from them than you were your own broken heart. So, all those things I said that night are bullshit. I never meant them. I hurt you, and I was a weak coward who can’t deal with his own shit so I took it out on you. While I was drinking and fucking up our relationship, you were selflessly giving yourself to others. That isn’t ‘Poor Henley.’ The girl on that TV is the girl who told me in sixth grade that I needed to toughen up against Brian Carrington right before you punched the bully in the nose.”
We laugh at the memory. “I had forgotten about that. The look on his face was priceless. He was such a mean kid, and he got his ass handed to him by a girl.”
“You made sure he never forgot that either.” Jagger smiles. It is a real smile this time.
“Hell no, I didn’t. I even wrote it in our eighth grade annual.”
“You didn’t?”
Dear Brian, middle school has been a blast. I hope you remember you should always play nice with others. I will kick your ass again if you don’t.
“I drew a little heart and signed my name under it. His mom called my mom a week later and read it to her. She took my guitar away for a month. It almost killed me.”
“I remember that. You were all of a sudden very interested in taking up the drums. She said you couldn’t have your guitar so you beat the shit out of Kip’s drum kit for a month.”
“I will never be a drummer.”
“No. You are the Guitar Goddess.” His face is full of pride for me.
We grow quiet for close to ten minutes. Both of our gazes are focused straight ahead, lost in our own thoughts. I swing my legs as I often do when my feet don’t touch the ground. He reaches down and gently grabs my hand, and we remain quiet for another little while. This man still holds my heart whether he knows it or not. His gentle touches and simply holding my hand makes my heart swell.
“I’m sorry Hen. For everything.”
“I know.”
I hear someone shouting next. “Where the fuck are you?”
It sounds like Koi. “Jagger!” His voice grew even louder. Jagger stood from the back of my SUV and rounded the car.
“Oh. Alright.” Koi sees him at my car.
“Hen?” He called out.
“Yeah.”
“You okay?”
“Yeah, I’m okay.”
“Alright.” He paused. “Jag we go on in 25. You ready?”
“Ready to go.”
“Alright. See you inside.”
Jagger walks back around the car to me. He holds his hands out to me, and the old familiar feeling takes me over. I put my hands in his, and he stands me up.
“I know this shit doesn’t go away overnight. It doesn’t go away with one apology. Time mends all wounds though. I don’t have the right to ask you for anything, but I would like us to at least try to get back to a place where we speak, and maybe eventually we can be friends who don’t feel awkward or angry around each other. If we have the chance to build something else one day, then we will just let it happen. Can we do that?”
“Yeah.”
He pushes my hair behind my ear and runs the pads of his fingers down my face. I close my eyes and my face leans into his hand. I miss this so much. He touches me like I’m the only woman on earth.
“Hey,” he whispers, and I open my eyes.
He stares into them and then looks at my lips.
“I love you, friend,” he says, and my eyes burn with tears.
“I love you too,” my voice cracks.
“Hey. You don’t cry any tears for me. I don’t deserve them.”
He runs the pads of his fingers down my face again, and then he leans down to put his forehead on mine. His lips are only a few inches away from mine. I can feel his breath on my mouth.
“I’m so sorry, Henley. I will regret that night for the rest of my life. You have no idea.”
I think I do.
I lick my lips because that’s what I do when Jagger is so close to me. I didn’t mean to. My body betrays me every time I’m around him. He leans in the last few inches, and his lips touch mine. They aren’t pursed in a kiss. No, his lips just simply touch mine. His lips are parted, and my own parted lips are between his. He doesn’t move for the longest time. His hands are on either side of my head. I part my lips a little more, because again, that is what happens around Jagger Carlyle. The tips of our tongues touch and he pulls back far enough to change his angle. His lips lightly touched mine again, and then our tongues briefly touch. This went on for God knows how long. Just our lips touching and parting and the tips of our tongues touching. I have never felt so overwhelmed by love like I do right now.
Guitar Face Series Box Set: Books 1-4 Page 23