“What are you doing?” Caleb’s father asks.
“It should’ve been her,” she whispers.
“No, honey, no. You don’t get to make that decision. You don’t get to say that to her. It wasn’t her time, and as much as it hurts, it was Caleb’s,” his dad says.
“I hate you. I can’t even bear to look at his childhood pictures because you’re in every goddamned one!” she yells.
“Mrs. King, I understand how much you hurt. I know you miss him, and how your life was before he passed, but don’t ever speak to Henley like this again. It would be best if you remain as far away from her as possible. Her life is not yours to judge. You are not better than her, and you do not get to take your grief out on her. It is unhealthy for you, and it sure as hell doesn’t do her any good. I hope you two enjoy the rest of your evening,” Jagger says as he guides me away.
He directs me into a dimly lit hall, empty of people, turns me to him, and wipes my tears.
“You don’t listen to anything she said. Caleb would’ve given his life for yours any day of the week, in any situation. Do not let her words get to you, Henley. You are an amazing person,” he says as he pulls me into a hug.
He’s wrong. I am not amazing. I inducted my dead best friend into the hall of fame, coked out of my mind. I deserved to die, and it should’ve been me. My existence is pathetic. I touch no one anymore. The walls feel like they’re closing in on me, and I try to breathe through it. Jagger’s presence is too much right now. It makes me weak, and I know it, but I can’t have him so close when all I want to do is self-destruct, and numb the hell out of the pain. He would be collateral damage I could never live with.
“Would you mind getting me some water?” I ask. “I don’t want to put on a smile and mingle right now.”
“I know,” he sighs and breaks our embrace.
He leans down and softly kisses my lips for a long moment, and I watch the man I still love more than life itself leave to fetch water I never plan on drinking. As soon as he’s out of sight, I find the nearest exit, and escape into the dark night.
I check into a nearby hotel and pace the floor of my room. Each beat of my heart seems to bring on more anxiety and ache. Caleb’s mom was right; I don’t deserve to live. I sit on the edge of the bed and bury my face in my hands. I reflect back to the moment I got on the tour bus with Jagger in Atlanta. I feel like a different person now. How much more heartbreak am I expected to take? I’d give anything to lie down and just not wake up.
I call Noel and beg her to bring me anything to help. I notice the frantic text messages and missed calls on my phone from virtually everyone I know. I can’t deal with them right now. I don’t have the words to explain how I’m feeling. How do you tell someone who loves you, you don’t want to live anymore. I power my phone off and wait for Noel.
Thirty minutes later, she knocks. I open the door to find her with the new “it” actor in Hollywood. He’s gorgeous.
“Traffic was a bitch,” she says.
“Isn’t it always?” I ask.
I close the door behind my guests.
“Henley meet Alex. Alex meet Henley,” Noel introduces.
Alex steps forward eagerly and shake my hand, “It’s amazing to meet you!”
I give him a small smile and greet him. Noel breaks out the coke on the table and we each have our fill. The ache begins to slowly subside as the powder courses through my veins.
An hour later, I’m climbing out of Noels’ car and walking into a Hollywood mansion. I don’t hang out with crowds like these, and I sure as hell don’t party with them. The music is so loud I can feel the thump of the bass drum. People are running around out of their gourds, but seem to be having a great time. I wish I could be that carefree. Noel introduces me to a bunch of actors and musicians.
I find myself by the pool, lounging in a chair, nursing a beer. Even when surrounded by all these people, I feel totally alone.
“It really is you, isn’t it?” a male voice asks from behind.
I turn slightly to see who is speaking, but he stands in the shadows of the home.
“I’m sorry?”
Another actor steps forward… Tyler, I think his name is. He reminds me of Jagger some, with the gorgeous five o’ clock shadow and all. I feel a pang in my chest when I think of Jagger.
“Tyler,” he says and offers his hand.
“Henley.”
“I thought it was you. So, what is the queen of rock-n-roll doing here tonight? I’ve never seen you at these parties before.”
“I don’t normally attend these types of functions, but tonight I need to hide.”
“You came to the right place then. I guess we’re all hiding from something… the papz, fans, managers, agents, significant others, ourselves.”
“I guess we are.”
“I’ve had a crush on you since I could remember. Somehow you are even more gorgeous in person,” he smiles charmingly at me.
I burst into laughter. I’m not really sure why I’m laughing, except maybe this guy so obviously wants to get into my pants, and his pickup line could use loads of work.
“Am I funny?” he asks.
“Yeah. You are.”
“What is so funny?” he smiles.
“I just didn’t expect to be hit on tonight. I’m so lost in my crazy head that I didn’t see that one coming. Thank you though… for the compliment and making me laugh.”
“You have a lot on your mind if your body language is any indication.”
“Yes. Your assessment is correct,” I muse.
“So are you here to forget about what’s on your mind?” he asks.
“Yes. I can’t ever seem to completely turn it off.”
“Do you party?”
“Is that your way of asking me if I use?”
“Yes.”
“I prefer blow but I smoke pot some.”
“The blow must not be cutting it,” he states.
“It takes the edge off, but no it doesn’t help as much as I’d like,” I admit.
“Ever tried crystal?”
“As in meth?” I clarify.
“Exactly.”
“No.”
“Want to try it?”
“What’s it like?”
“It’s way more intense than blow. All that shit in your head takes a back seat for a lot longer. It doesn’t just take the edge off, it makes it go completely away for a while.”
I’ve never been the kind to do drugs, but sitting here now I’m not sure if I should try it or not. I just need to escape for a little while. I agree to try it and follow Tyler into an empty room in the back where he cuts it, and I snort a few lines and wait for the shit to wash away. I end up in a conversation with Tyler and feel as though I’ve known him my whole life. As time wears on, the high becomes noticeable, and the only thing I can feel is happiness. I want to talk to everyone and love them.
A game of beer pong is taking place by the pool, and I want to play. I don’t even know whom I’m playing with. I just play and drink beer and hit the occasional joint passing by. I’m not sure how much time passes, but things begin to get hazy, and now I’m staring down at the pool from the roof of the house. I take a few steps back, disoriented, and try not to freak out. I’m on the fucking roof, but I don’t remember coming up here. I’m brought back to the here and now by cheers from down below. I get closer to the steps and see bodies in and around the pool. This is my Almost Famous moment. I laugh out loud at the thought. Fuck it, why not?
I stand on the roof for a bit longer and take in the voices and cheers from below. I spread my arms and look up at the sky. My name passes as screams from their lips below me.
“I’m a golden god…. dess,” I laugh once I manage to get it out.
The cheers get louder and they make me so happy. I want to make them happy.
“I’m on drugs!” I scream.
“Almost Famous,” is screamed
out, and the crowd breaks into laughter.
“I dig music!”
More happy cheering and laughter, and then I jump. I feel the cool water around me and think how amazing it would be to stay here forever. It’s so comforting.
Chapter 24
Jagger
“I don’t know!” I scream into my phone.
Fuck! Hen, where are you?
“She probably went home. After the shit Caleb’s mom said to her, who can blame her for getting the fuck out of there?” Koi says into the phone.
I’ve looked all over this venue for her. The guests have left, and the staff is cleaning up the mess. Everyone we know and trust is looking for her. I’ve hung around here hoping she found a quiet place to hide out until everyone left. She was so heartbroken when I left her to get water. I should’ve never left her. She’s been distant and… behaving so erratic lately. Fuck me!
“Fuck!” I scream into the phone.
“What?!” Koi screams back.
“When is the last time you were around her?”
“I’ve seen her several times this week.”
“And? Notice anything?”
“Like what?” he asks.
“Have you noticed anything different about her?”
“Yeah, I have. She’s taken this Red shit hard. She was smoking pot the other day.”
“Why did she say she was smoking?”
“Said she couldn’t sleep.” He answers.
“Yeah. When have you not been able to sleep?”
“No. Henley has never been involved in that shit.”
“Koi, she has been staying up days at a time, and she’s losing weight. She never wants to eat when we’re at the studio, and she’s distant as fuck. She’s erratic as hell sometimes. I can’t believe I didn’t see it. What the fuck is wrong with me?!” I yell.
“No. I can’t believe she would do that. Fuck!” he yells back. “Meet me at her house. I’ll send a text to our group.”
When I get to her home, people are arriving left and right. Kip walks into the garage from the house.
“She’s not here,” he says.
He’s fucking pissed at Caleb’s mom, and worried sick about our girl. Henley has a different bond with Kip than she had with Caleb, but they’re thick as thieves, and you don’t fuck with either one of them, without the other planning your murder.
“We all need to talk in the living room,” I say.
Twenty odd people file into Henley’s living room, and as I look at her dad, I say words I never thought I would have to say about the love of my life.
“I think Henley’s using,” I sigh.
“What?” Meghan asks.
“He’s right,” Memphis adds. “I’ve suspected for a little while now, but she’s pretty damn evasive when I bring it up. She’s been asking me for pot to sleep.”
“What’s she using?” her dad asks.
He’s been in this industry a long ass time. Drugs are not foreign to him, but hearing your daughter might be using more than recreationally has to make him sick to his stomach.
“Probably coke,” Memphis says.
“She’s been… I don’t know… she seems so far away sometimes,” Kips says.
“She’s lost weight,” I add.
“She’s been sleeping very little and staying up for hours on end. She played the guitar the other night until her finger was bleeding, but she didn’t know it was bleeding,” Rhys adds.
“She’s also been disappearing into the bathroom quite a bit at the studio,” Kai sticks his hands down in his pockets, almost ashamed that he didn’t think about it before.
“Fuck!” Koi screams and clears out an entire table of its contents. “How did I not know my sister was using coke? How did I not fucking know?” he screams
He’s shaking, trembling from anger and fear.
“How did I not know she had gotten to this point? She’s my daughter,” Derek says. He lets out a sob he was trying to force down, “She’s been through so goddamn much. In the past seven months alone, she’s had shit dealt to her right and left. She’s been out of the industry for four years. That’s long enough to forget how fucking brutal it is. Her personal life only added to the bullshit. I did that to her! I didn’t tell her she had a brother, and I know she has to be angry with me about it.”
“If we’re honest, almost every person in this room has contributed to this,” Jessica says, head hung, tears streaming down her face.
She’s right, and I’m at the top of that list. I’m trying to slowly win her back and show her how much I love her. I’m trying to be there for her in every way. I held her hand while we were in Georgia with Red. I tried to push her to record for him and helped with the arrangement. I tried to tell her how I felt in a language we could both understand, music. I’ve tried to comfort her when someone hurt her and not give her hell when she did shit that was out of the ordinary for her. I wanted to ring her neck when she got high with Memphis, but I didn’t because she needed the release, and she looked so fucking exhausted. Her eyes look so haunted some days. I’m not a saint. I’ve done my fair share of most drugs out there. I’m a rock star, and shit happens. I’ve always used recreationally when on tour, but Henley has always been a drinker. She’s not even been doing that lately, come to think of it. Fuck!
“How do we find her?” Kip asks.
“She’s not answering anyone’s calls,” Sam says.
“Is there a GPS on her car?” Rhys asks.
“She’s not in her car. She rode by herself in a limo and left on foot. She most likely took a cab,” Jessica answers.
“We need to think of everyone she would contact here in L.A., specifically those known to dabble in narcs. Jessica, call the jails and hospitals every hour. I’ve got a cop friend who can help you look out on that end. Sam, Kathrine, Meghan, and Stephanie, break into groups and visit every hotel with her picture. She’s not stupid enough to check in under her own name. If she’s there, offer the clerk five grand to call us when she shows. Koi and Derek stay here in case she comes back. The two of you should be here if she does. The rest of us need to break up in pairs and hit the streets. If you think of anyone or any place, give it a visit and don’t ask too many questions. Just ask if they’ve heard from her, say she mentioned them earlier in the night and her phone is dead. Don’t let on how worried we actually are, we don’t need this shit hitting the media,” I say.
Memphis and I hit the road with Cory and Maurice. They’ve got a great deal of useful contacts in the underworld of L.A., and trust me when I say they know how to find people. Men like this have seen and done shit that would keep you up at night. They’re ex-military, and work for a high-end security company. We hit club after club scouring the crowd for her. The bouncers are always friends of celebrities, and with enough cash they promise to call if they see her.
When the sun comes up, Henley still isn’t home, and no one has had any luck finding her. I drive back to her house, at a loss for what to do next. I climb into her bed and take in her smell that lingers on the soft sheets. There are strands of her blonde hair on the pillow. Cash jumps on the bed and snuggles into my neck with a whimper.
“I know buddy. I wish I knew where she was,” I say.
I cry like a little bitch because the truth is I’m scared to death. I’m scared I did this to her, and I’ll never see her again. I’m scared I pushed her too far away, and I’ll never get to love her again. I’m such a fuck up.
***
Jagger
2 months later
I’ve slept in her bed every night for two months. I don’t actually sleep very much. I don’t eat well, and I smoke too many cigarettes. When I can’t seem to get a grasp on it all, I drink too much. We’ve all camped out here for two months. Cory and Maurice have come up with so many leads, but by the time we tracked them down, she is gone. She just vanishes, and then it takes days or weeks to find more information on her. She’s buying
dope in shoddy neighborhoods, from questionable people. We’ve gotten mixed reports on her drug use. She’s smoking meth and pot, snorting coke, popping ecstasy and some new shit I’ve never heard of. She’s popping scripts, and I mean shit doctors only give to terminal patients. I don’t know if all of it’s true, but I do know she’s in trouble. I am scared if we don’t find her soon, I won’t be able to save her.
Cash misses her, and I often cry while he’s snuggled up to me at night. I can’t explain to a dog why the person he loves most in this world just left because I don’t understand it myself. Most of all, I don’t understand how I didn’t see her slipping. How did the people who are supposed to love her let her get to this point? We should’ve seen it.
The doorbell brings me out of my stupor. I hear Kip’s voice, and then he yells for Derek and I. John Donovan stands in Hen’s living room. His daughter Noel is a good friend of Henley’s. John’s an old school rocker, and Noel followed in his footsteps.
“Sorry about the late hour,” he says. “Rumor on the street is Henley’s missing.”
“We want to keep it out of the media, but she’s been gone two months, John,” Derek answers.
“Noel’s been gone for six weeks. Her accountant called a few weeks ago and said she’s blowing through money, and he’s concerned. I’ve been calling her for weeks. Her apartment hasn’t been touched in six weeks, and I can’t pin her down. Thinking, these two might be together,” John says.
“They were together in Vegas, and Noel’s been here several times right before Hen disappeared,” Kip says.
“Her accountant said ATM withdrawals have been coming from San Diego in the last four weeks,” John offers. “Our girls are in trouble, and we need to find them.”
“They’re using,” I say.
“I know,” John confirms.
I call Cory to relay the information, and he gets to work on the new lead. All we can do is wait. Wait and hope we can find her and pull her out of whatever she’s gotten herself into. If they’re using together, it’s going to be worse. Their relationship is codependent by this point, and it’s more difficult to pull someone out of that. Two girls who feel the need to numb the pain inside of them. I don’t know Noel’s story, but she’s obviously hurting just as much as Henley is.
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